Original subtitles

Come on, kid. Get out of here.

Ice cream.

What? Ice cream. No money, no ice cream. Come on, let's go. Ice cream!

You're holding out the line. Let's go.

Ice cream!

I gotta stop eating like this. I can feel my metabolism slowing down.

Oh, me too.

I know. I mean, how many food festivals can one city have?

Guess we don't have to go to all of them. What else are we gonna do for fun

other than eat and drink stuff?

Falling?

The library?

Yeah, neither of those sound right.

I should find Kevin.

Oh, he said he was looking for nachos. The nacho truck already left. Oh, shit.

Why?

As soon as he sees the cheese fries, he'll be fine. Hey, what the hell, man?

Ernesto? Tanya?

Naveen? It's me, Naveen. What are you doing here?

Cheese fries!

Is that Kevin?

This is like a little reunion.

Yeah. Wow. Man, we haven't seen you since... The party days.

The party days.

You used to party so hard. I know. I was a real wild guy.

But then I got hit by a car.

Oh, my God. Yeah. After that, I got my life together.

It was like the universe was telling me, stop partying, Naveen.

No more beer.

No more junk food. I got healthy. I found happiness.

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

All right, man. And then I got hit by another car.

What? Damn.

Yeah. And I had to start all over again.

Again. It was another sign from the universe, but I was listening even

So I got even healthier.

I got into running. I got married. I started my own successful business.

That's awesome, man. And then I got hit by another car. Wait, do you, like, look

both ways before crossing or any of that stuff?

I only look one way.

Forward.

That's my philosophy.

So true.

What's true? Sorry, I have to keep moving to maintain the old sweat rate.

I'm training for my first marathon.

Wow, that's like the biggest race, right?

Yep. I figure I'm not getting any younger and another car could hit me at

second. So, might as well live my best life, right?

Hey, I gotta run. But we should grab a water sometime, you know? Catch up.

for sure. I love water. See ya!

Wow, what an inspiration.

No, that guy was always an idiot. And now he's been hit by three cars?

That's not a normal amount of cars.

Maybe I should stop eating junk food and start a business and run a marathon.

I haven't done any of those things. I'm probably in the worst shape of my life,

and I'm older than I've ever been before.

Listen, if you want to change your life, don't do it because of Naveen. Do it

because, I don't know, you're ashamed of your past choices or whatever.

Wait, why do people change their lives?

Hmm. I think it is Shane.

I'm still eating this burger, though. Oh, of course. It would be a waste not

Hey, I just saw Naveen.

He looks incredible.

Really healthy. But then out of nowhere, bam, hit by a car.

Oh, no.

Cheesy.

Yeah, I guess I just find it kind of hard to relate to people because I like

weird movies.

Yeah, my friends don't really get me. My family doesn't really get me because I

like weird movies.

Yeah, sorry, I just don't think you would have heard of any of them. Like,

you seen Bunker Pillow? 70 minutes of raw, orgiastic lemon zesting. Plus a guy

gets his ass eaten by a pterodactyl. I know, it's just kind of like weird, I

guess. Guy takes so much Benadryl. Goes to a pottery class, makes a couple of

mugs. Then he gets his ass eaten by a pterodactyl.

grenade launcher that shoots red pandas. People with phantom limbs and glass

penile glands playing chess with Santa.

Kind of weird.

I don't know how I got this way. I guess as a kid I was kind of like doing my

own thing.

A Pinocchio remake where child labor laws are being IRL violated.

A couple guys are getting their asses eaten by a pterodactyl. So yeah, I just

need like a $900 ,000 student loan. I'm talking web and hernia massages.

I'm very lonely.

Come on, boy.

The thing about Tom Waits that I understand and I feel like most people

don't. Really, Mark Hoppus was holding them.

Oh, my God. Is that the choking sign?

Is Rona choking?

Don't worry, Rona. I'm coming.

Out of the way, virgin.

Gabby, I'm disappointed in you. You're taking time to talk about the bespoiled

burgers and dogs when Rona is choking. She's dying. Her face is turning blue.

She's got half a second to live, and you're talking about burgers and dogs.

wasting time.

Oh, I'm, you know, I'm... What is this, pork?

Swan boy, you useless asshole.

First you forget to bring ice, and then you ruin the grilled meat.

Well, I didn't forget the ice. I just stopped thinking about it. That's what

forgetting is!

Useless! I am not useless!

I'll show you. I'll get more ice than your shitty little caps can handle.

Well, I'm lost.

I know. I'll use the stars to guide me, like the pioneers.

Ah, fuck!

Why is that one star so close?

Well met, traveler.

Who the shit are you?

A friend of sorts.

Here to lighten your coin purse.

We'll be taking that.

Weep. A boot driver?

I hope Gotham style is still popular.

Aha! We mistook your frame for an inbred prince and thought you wealthy.

More fools we.

What, it's like pirates? Are you guys pirates?

I see his riches lie in wit rather than wallet. He thinks of privateers.

Well,

I hate this. I'm going to head out. You must forgive us our manners.

We are the cheerful chaps.

We live outside of society and its judgmental eye. Done again? Aye.

We are a merry band.

We rob from the rich and... You rob from the rich?

Yea, verily. We live off their spoils. Yeah, somebody's got to.

Our little corner of the world where we can just live free and die hard.

The bandit's code is that we must always have each other's backs.

We live off the grid, you see.

Badass. Fuck grid.

Swan lad, I see something in you. Some spark of greatness.

Methinks the cheerful chaps could make great use of you.

No foolin'? You mean like a useful guy?

In your words lie truth.

May our coffers never run dry. And may our martinis always.

Except for Tyrannosaurus.

The Reap?

Very good, sir.

Huzzah! Another better day, good fellows.

Huzzah! And we owe it all to young lad Swamp.

And indeed, here's a fellow born for a life of banditry. And now we rob a bank.

Ah, now to give all this money to the poor.

Or...

tree in town!

And so, what exactly was just accomplished?

Gotta let Arbor Day know we're not fucking around.

Next stop, town reservoir.

Too many people been drinking, not enough people been respecting us.

Perhaps we misjudged ye.

In your boldness we saw usefulness, but this was a bridge too far.

Did you say maybe 10 % of what you're saying?

Okay.

You're a dangerous person with terrifying goals, and the world is

when you fuck up and get your own way. Please, never succeed again. You're

fired, okay? You're fired from being our friend.

Whoa, you're British?

Go! Go, get out of here. I'll never forget you, guy.

Did you hit the ice?

No, I didn't. God, you really are good for nothing.

Thank ye.

Stay away from us!

Welcome to Exercise Day, the day on which I, and maybe all of us, become

personally fulfilled individuals who perhaps own their own businesses. That

seems like a lot of expectations for one day. Kevin, do you need to be playing

guitar right now? We're talking about making serious changes in our lives.

I'm making a change by becoming a guitarist. Are you? Yeah.

Because if you really are, you can keep playing. Great.

Okay. I trust you not to take advantage of my lenience on this. You should.

Tanya, do you have anything to add?

Nope. I am ready for some exercise, baby. As long as this doesn't become

weird self -help thing.

It probably won't. First, we'll be going for a bike ride.

Let's hit it.

So I guess the universe is telling me to be lazy and stay inside.

Well, guess what, universe?

I've never listened to anybody in my life, and I'm not starting now.

All right, it's about 20 meters to the end of the hall. By my calculations, we

can do a seven -mile ride if we go back and forth 600 times.

Does that sound fun? No.

Let's race.

Guys,

Ernesto is hurt. I think he needs to go to the hospital now.

Oh, my God. Where is he? Kevin.

Are you the one who put scotch tape on the television?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just twisted my ankle.

No, dude, that shit's broken.

I've broken enough ankles to know. Your own ankles, right? We're taking you to

the hospital. Let's go.

What's on you? Is that our saran wrap? I couldn't find my raincoat and, spoiler

alert, cat tape water.

That's the name brand saran wrap. It's not cheap. I paid for half of that. And

I'm wearing the half that I paid for.

Also, your half is in the trash can. I couldn't get it to cling right.

Do you think this is how Naveen fell after his car accident?

This is not the time to bring up Naveen. Who in the holy heck is Naveen? Only

the most inspirational guy we know.

We used to hang out with him. He's been hit by three cars.

Actually, it's four now.

Four, huh?

I better hit five. Five?

How? I don't know.

I get into weird physical situations. What do you want me to tell you? It's

my luck, I guess, all right?

Listen, can we take a quick break? I need to adjust my raft here. I'm getting

cramp.

What the fudge?

I see you there.

You hear that thud?

It brings me to today's word,

onomatopoeia.

Its definition?

A word that imitates, resembles, or suggests the sound it's describing.

Let's run through a few onomatopoeias together, shall we?

Moo.

Zip.

Ding dong.

Glug.

Ka -ching.

Whoosh.

Squeegee.

Splash.

Boink.

Doink.

And of course, my

personal favorite, accountant.

Breathe,

honey. Breathe.

Keep pushing, Mrs. Jenkins.

I can see the head.

Here it comes.

Go get the helmet.

What helmet?

The VR helmet.

Push. Push.

And... Yes!

Perfect. Steeless transition.

What's going on?

Oh, he's got to learn about VR early, honey. It's the future.

This way, the first thing he'll see is a virtual world.

He'll be miles ahead of his peers. He could be the next Elon Musk.

Oh, what can he see right now?

He thinks he's still in the womb.

How funny is that?

That's awful.

Change it. Okay, okay.

What's happening?

Oh, now he's fighting aliens. They're attacking from all sides.

Oh, he just died.

What? How many lives did he get? Three.

Who's there?

Ta -da!

Who are you?

Do you like it here?

It's okay.

Okay? All right. Tell me what you did today.

Um, I defended a space station from incoming evil drones.

Yeah. Then I fought an aerial battle in an apocalyptic desert wasteland.

Uh -huh. And now I'm defeating a horde of a thousand zombies.

Fuck me dead!

What's the matter? Don't you ever wonder why there isn't anything more

interesting to do around here than shoot?

zombies and have lame -ass face battles.

What could be more interesting than that?

Oh, where do I start? There's MDMA, orgies, dogs, alcoholic

milkshakes, snorkeling, jazzy house music, lying by the pool while

the love of your life rubs you down with coconut oil.

What are all those things? What's coconut oil?

Maybe it's time you found out. How do I do that?

Maybe check your face.

Later.

Hey,

wait. Come back. What do you mean, check your face? Hey.

What did he say?

Check my face?

Hmm.

Who's Richie? Who are you?

I'm your father, Richie, and this is your mother.

Father? Mother?

Am I dreaming?

No, son. A creature inside the mask.

He told me there was interesting stuff out here.

I know, Richie. He was a bug in the system.

A faulty piece of code, love.

But was he right?

Yes, son.

So out here is... Out here is real, Richie.

Is there MDMA?

Is there dog orgy?

Oh, of course.

So many.

You're free now, son.

But why did you do this?

Because now you're a VR native and you'll become the CEO of a successful

startup. I don't know what that means.

You will.

It's good to have you back, son.

We love you, Ritchie.

I love you too, Mum and Dad.

Thank you for freeing me.

Now I get to be a real boy.

Now I get to be a real boy.

This fake awakening simulation will really help him prepare for real life.

Well, when do you think he'll be ready for real life?

Oh, the technology moves so fast.

He'll need to stay in there just to keep up with it.

Oh, so maybe never then?

Yeah, maybe never.

Say, I love you. Say, I want you. Say, I miss you.

How you feeling?

Like a broken man at his lowest point. Come on, bud.

You'll have way lower points than this. Can we just go to the hospital?

Not yet. Kevin, you see anything?

Nothing. Well, we'll give it another minute or two. Maybe I should stop

to be my best self.

That version of me always seems to be in a lot of pain. Or you should just stop

riding your bike in the hallway.

You know what? No.

That's not the life I want to live.

I mean, that's just basic safety.

No, why?

Live in fear.

You can get hit by a car at any time, up to four times.

That's life. No, that's just one man's very specific life. Who dare?

So intense.

You still think you're a weak little loser now?

Well, I never thought exactly those words. You're strong as hell, my friend.

you don't have to get hit by any frickin' cars to prove it. You're a

We're all goddamn heroes.

Thank you, Tanya. But it feels less special if we're all heroes.

Well, technically, Kat did the least, so... Oh, no, you didn't! But you were

one getting rescued. Us three are heroes, and the cat got rescued.

Excuse me? I waded back into that...

Shit water to save Kevin's life.

You know how polluted this creek is?

I would have been fine.

I was on the swim team until seven. Whatever.

Are we going to the hospital or not? I really think I need to get my stomach

pumped. I'm pretty sure I drank like a gallon of E. coli. Oh, you really think

the water's that dirty?

Oh, yeah, it's on the remote.

All right, we'll all get our stomachs pumped.

Ernesto can get his ankle checked out. And then, I don't know, we can get a

beer? Mm -hmm.

Hit the spot.

Personally, I'm excited as hell to get my stomach pumped. Yeah, I want to live.

Love to live.

But in terms of other health benefits, too. This will probably remove any

leftover cheeseburgers or alcohol. It'll be cleansing.

Like self -care. Have you two lost your damn minds? Hey, friend.

What happened, dude?

Hit by a car. Again?

Again and again. But this time, I learned something. The universe spoke to

again. And it said, Naveen, I know you've listened to me before, and I know

always resulted in a car hitting you, but this time, I've changed.

And I was like, okay, universe, let's hear it. And what did the universe say?

Moderation. The universe said moderation.

I hate this guy.

I've been living life too much.

Too much exercise. Too much exposure to the outside world where cars live. Shut

up. So my new plan is simple. It's to chill out a little. Sit on my couch

close the blinds, eat more cheeseburgers, stay inside, inside of

cars don't go inside, right?

Not usually. Because they're not people, right? They don't have arms or legs or

a face, and it would be against the law if they followed me. Exactly.

Moderation. The universe said moderation.

See you around, old friends.

All right.

See you later, Naveen.

Stay safe.

You know what?

Honestly, that's the most sense Naveen has ever made. Aside from everything

about cars and rooms. The moderation part, though, right?

Right. The moderation part. I think I can get on board with that. Sometimes

we'll be healthy. Sometimes not. A little bit of both.

Stomach pumping?

Healthy. Getting beers and fries later? Not healthy. But we'll do them both.

Ooh, you know what?

I'm already feeling more moderated. Feel good, right?

Let's go, punk!

If you want it, know that it's a mother's own movie I knew it from the

tone is the same Go seep over, if you're not, come sit here, what did you say?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it?