Original subtitles

Two, one, two, hit me.

Do you ever get nostalgic for things you didn't actually experience?

Like the Mongol conquest?

I was thinking more like the 60s. Oh, now that takes me back. The 1260s, when

conquered Damascus. You know, personally, I've always felt like I

been born earlier.

Like... How earlier?

I don't know. Anywhere from like 100 to 5 ,000 years ago. You wish you were born

5 ,000 years ago? Yeah. Probably would have been the queen of my own barbarian

tribe or something. I would way rather do that than work in an office.

Tanya, I totally agree. I probably would have been the magistrate of an ancient

city. We might have even been friends.

Yeah. We definitely would have been friends.

You would provide grain for my people, and my warriors would offer not to

destroy your city in return.

That does sound like me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure ancient times were

filled with danger.

Uh, yeah. That's why I would be the danger, dude. And that's why I would pay

off.

Tonya, hey, is that your phone?

Oh, yeah, it's probably work. I'm juggling like 37 projects right now. But

Saturday. Unfortunately, Saturday is the new Thursday.

What's Thursday, then? Thursday has always been Tuesday.

Nobody tells me these things.

See, if this was ancient times, nobody would be able to text me on the weekend.

Yeah, and I wouldn't have to run my online t -shirt business.

I could have run an ancient city.

Kevin, you love your online t -shirt business. What about person carrot?

Designing cute things to put on t -shirts just isn't my destiny.

I want a cooler destiny than that. One that's not tied up in frivolous consumer

goods and brilliant comedic wordplay. Sadly, Kev, our destinies may lie in the

past. God.

I have an idea. How about we go to the Museum of Ancient History? That way we

can see how horrible and scary old times actually would have been.

Fine.

This can't be it. It says Ancient History Museum.

Shit, we were looking for the Museum of Ancient History. Uh, same thing?

Eh, I guess.

What terrifying lessons of the past should we learn first?

Ooh, terrifying, you say?

Oh. Sorry, is this the Museum of Ancient History? This is the Ancient History

Museum.

Same thingy. Now, what was that about terror?

Are we scared about the ancient world and its many wonders and also mysterious

causes? I'm not scared. I'm just trying to show my friends that we have it way

better in modern times and living in the ancient world was constantly horrible.

Well, what if I was to tell you that you are incorrect about me and that and

this and everything?

That's exactly what I was saying.

Well, then you've come to the right place, tasty dudes.

Who wants to see some cool swords?

I do. Oh, great.

My next tour starts right now.

Follow me. Come, come, come, come.

Oh, my God, I love you.

My name is Gil, BTWs. It's short for Galantrical.

Galantrical Carturius. Oh, weird name.

I love it. Yes, it's very old.

Just like everything in this museum.

In ancient times, pretty much everyone had swords. Really? It was as common as,

like, cell phones are now.

Wow. Swords were used to cut people, bread, lots of stuff.

Um, would any of these happen to be barbarian swords?

Several, in fact, yeah. This one here was wielded by a barbarian ruler who

almost took down all of the Romans, all of those dudes and ladies at once. It

was really cool. Come, you slow pokies. Don't touch. Let's go.

What the... Hey!

At its peak, this great ciudad was home to over 50 ,000 inhabitants, and none of

them liked each other. No, no get -along gang here!

Ooh, galantrical...

Can I ask a question? I mean, Gil is fine. Also, yeah.

Gil, theoretically,

would someone who now operates an online t -shirt business have the skills

necessary to become, oh, I don't know, a magistrate of such a great city? Oh,

yes. I think it's a very similar skill set. But why settle for bureaucracy when

you could be a god?

Hi,

welcome back to Words with Ike. You know, there's an old maxim that says,

best way to ruin a joke is to explain it. But not this time. Because today,

we're going to define the word comedy.

Hold on to your sides for this one, because they might split.

The definition?

Professional entertainment.

Consisting of jokes, sketches, and ironic juxtapositions

designed to make an audience laugh.

Ah, I'll be here all week.

So, if you're a joke, pun, gag, wisecrack, or

even an old chestnut, you might be a comedy.

How's my favourite gimp?

Don't play that silly game pretending you can't talk.

Oh, I'm not meant to talk. I'm a gimp. And such a handsome gimp. I'm not

handsome. I'm ugly.

I'm depraved.

I brought you your favourite.

Oh, really?

Nipple clamps?

Nice cold gelato.

I don't want gelato. I want maggots.

Well, you can't have maggots.

How come you never beat me?

I want to be beaten.

I'm a gimp. I'm not going to beat you.

The gimps next door get beaten every day.

Well, that's not the way we do things in our house.

Now, what DVD do you want to watch tonight?

I don't want DVDs. I want STDs. How about Love Actually?

Oh, fuck that.

None of that language in here, gimpy.

I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Why stop at soap?

Why not use petrol?

I want to be burned.

No video tonight, then?

Then I guess it's Betty, boys. Come and give me a hug.

Gimpy. All right.

Bear hug!

Crack my ribs!

Sweet dreams, Gimpy.

Don't you get it?

I am a gimp!

I want to be tormented!

What do you think I'm doing now?

These statues represent the gods of an ancient pantheon.

You've got such classics as cow person, cat person, regular cow, bear

person. What the? And of course, the kick -ass bird slash lion hybrid. That

looks like me, except even more beautiful.

Oh, he does look like you, huh? Is no one else weirded out by this?

These things look exactly like us. Which one looks like you?

The bear one, obviously.

Not really, dude.

That statue is in way better shape than you are. It's a statue. It can't be in

shape. It's made of dirty old clay or whatever.

It's actually made of an indestructible minerality found only at the deepest

parts of the ocean. Nobody knows how this ancient civilization even got

Okay, I don't believe.

Any of the shit this dude is saying. Ernesto, chill, dude.

Are you jealous because I have a hot statue and you don't? I have a hot

too. That's why it's weird.

It's just coincidenciality.

An occurrence of things that are just weird but do not mean anything, guys.

Relax -y, please.

We haven't even seen the mummy yet.

You have a mummy? Yes, yes, we got those mummies. Let's go.

Damn it.

Oh, hey, wait, you guys.

I've been getting weird vibes ever since we walked in here. And now this guy

wants to show us a mummy?

That's a literal dead body.

It's a super old dead body. It doesn't count.

It's called an antique.

Antique or not, this place is weird. Gil is creepy, and I say we go home. No, I

can't. The longer I spend here, the closer I feel to my ancient destiny as a

barbarian ruler.

It is intoxicating. And the longer I've been here, the more I realize I would

have made an incredible god. One of the best gods, Ernesto. Come on.

Let's go check out this mummy. Fine. I'll look at the dead person. But if

tries to sell us a museum membership, I am out of here. Of course.

Let's go. They make you feel really bad if you try to cancel. That's why I still

have my membership at the Kaleidoscope Museum. Oh, I love the Kaleidoscope

Museum. It's my favorite kaleidoscope -based institution.

Welcome to the mummy room.

This is the Great Queen.

The Great Queen? The greatest of all time. She ruled an empire.

She commanded thousands of loyal followers.

And she was apparently super easy to talk to. Just like a really wunderbar

personality. Everybody said so.

Damn! That kind of power?

That kind of leadership?

I bet nobody would email her about work on a Saturday.

Definitely not. They would have been immediately exiled. What was this

name? Her name was Tanya.

What? Oh, come on.

Tanya? That's your name. Are you messing with me, Galandria?

Galandria, kill or gill. And wait a minute. What are you saying to me? That

name is Tanya?

And you look like that hot birdie?

And you're also here?

What a weird series of coinkydinkies.

Which, as we all know... It's an occurrence of things that are just weird

don't mean anything.

Are you guys even listening to yourselves?

Can you not be a downer for like five seconds of this museum experience?

Learn! It's almost too perfect.

No. Yes.

Maybe. But also could be. But it can't be.

The tour is over! The museum is closed!

I'll be nothing!

Gil, wait!

Shit! What a half -assed tour.

We only saw like two rooms.

Let's just get out of here.

Oh, no.

We're locked in.

Galandrical!

Galandrical! Oh, where did he run off to?

Maybe he had to poo.

He did not have to poo, because he is me!

Oh, Gil, cool. Can you open the door so we can leave your weird museum?

I'm afraid I cannot.

Explain yourself, Galandrical!

It's Gil, excuse me, and for years I've searched for the perfect hosts, the

Queen. The bird and the bear.

Yeah, I don't know.

Doesn't really look like him. I know, this one's a stretch.

Dude, it totally looks like me. If I was, like, a little more shredded, you

would definitely see it. No matter, it's close enough, okay?

Tonight, the great queen and her revered deities rise again.

Their spirits will fuse with yours, and they will walk the earth once more

through you.

Either you come willingly, or I will. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You want to give me the powers of this ancient queen and basically make me the

new queen?

That's correct.

And then through dark magic... Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Would I get to set my own hours? Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. You would totally be

charge. And could we confirm that I would be a god? One of the best around?

of the best of all of the arounds.

Well, that's all I need to hear. I'm in. Way ahead of you, dude.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ernesto, look at me.

You're telling me you don't want to be a god?

They're even making an exception for you. Okay.

Ignoring the fact that I'm a shoo -in for the god due to obvious physical

similarities, this whole thing feels weird. We should leave.

Come on.

Now.

Oh, come on, Ernesto. You're ruining the vibe.

Come on. All right, all right. Jeez.

You guys are so annoying. Yes!

Peer pressure for the win!

One point.

Mmm, back toast.

What could go wrong?

Ah, Scott's Quest is my only weekend!

So this is hell.

Huh.

Not so bad.

George Washington. Uh, slavery.

Oh, yeah.

Big time.

There you are.

You're supposed to be in line to be judged.

But if you insist on breaking hell's rules, I suppose we can make a special

example out of you.

Here are all of the people who you wronged in life.

Who's this asshole?

This was a child to whom you sold a cigarette.

So the kid's in hell?

No, this is the idea of the kid. So the kid's fine?

Well, the kid got a little sick from the cigarette.

So he learned not to smoke? I'm not seeing a problem here.

Okay, well, here's your third grade teacher who you drove critically insane.

Turns out I had ADD.

Okay, I don't think that's on me.

You know, even if it was, better to know.

It's true.

I learned a number of coping. All right, enough!

Here's millions of iterations of your so -called best friend, Noel.

Once each time you wronged him. Oh, my God, who cares?

Okay, what's next? I'm not made of time.

Welcome to the Too Much of a Good Thing Chamber.

It's one boy in life you loved watching epic soldier fail videos.

Let's see just how much you love them.

All the videos?

Wait, there's more than one?

Okay, you know what? I'm overthinking this. Gotta do some just good old

-fashioned torture.

Ooh, my safe word is Baltimore.

What? Time city, baby.

Are we starting soon?

How?

Stretching rack.

Designed when people were like 5 '3", tops.

That's strange.

No screams.

me. Gotta go. Take care.

Pretty awful, right?

Eh, we mostly talked about his grandkids, I think. I don't really speak

Mongolian. Tell you what I did pick up on, though. That guy loved to nut.

You win!

I give up!

You are too shallow and too fair for the torments of hell!

What is a funeral?

The Unitarians believe. I know.

I know the Unitarians believe it's a celebration of the life.

But I believe in this case it's more a celebration of the death.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same to you. Go home. Scram, you drip. Show's over.

Swanboy, we thought you were dead.

I was.

What do you mean, you were?

The devil found me annoying.

Maybe. There's a lesson there. Don't I know it?

I can do whatever I want with no consequences.

Now let's go kill a bank.

Y 'all can't eat my ass.

Can you guys see anything?

I'm just staring at a wall here.

Let the ritual commence.

Yes!

Barbarian queen!

Let's start this ritual.

Let the greatest queen rise again to unite the world under her rule and to

oversee thousands of projects that will restore her glory.

Oversee what? And to be available at all of the hours for various questions that

any of us may have.

All? Ours? And it's a bird, and all is not to fail.

Rise again as well, so that their images may be printed on tens of hundreds of T

-shirts. Wait, hold up. T -shirts?

That's not very epic.

Gil, uh, Gil, wait a minute.

What? I'm in the middle of something. No, I get that, but is this actually

sounding like a knot?

great arrangement i'm really just looking for more flexible work hours and

trying to get out of the t -shirt game honestly i can make you fuse with the

ruling spirits of this dead empire but i'd rather find somebody who like wants

it you know somebody who's going to be with the team for a while because these

guys deserve that i love you as well hooded figures they do seem like

a good group oh hell yeah i would do anything for those guys All right,

everyone, let's get the hells out of here. Who wants a circular carbohydrate?

Code name for pizza. Can we get pineapple?

Yes, yeah, yeah. No more yeses.

Hello?

Uh, guys?

You're free to go, home slicers.

Hold up. Are we making the right decision here? If we walk out this door,

right back where we started. Hey.

May I tell you something that's going to sound like uber cheesy?

Sure. You can always talk to me about cheese.

Me as well. Find what makes you happy and do it forever.

I mean, look at me. I love trying to revive this ancient empire and revert

world to a pre -modern state. And do you know what? It never feels like work.

Not one day of it. I wake up every day excited to try to find suitable hosts

the spirits and to commence the ritual. Yes. Oh, thank you.

Oh, and hey, pleased to be telling your friends about the Ancient History

Museum. In terms of making our rent, utilities bills, etc., we're doing very

poorly, so spread the word, yes? We will, girl.

We actually do offer annual museum memberships at a discount if you're

interested. You can sign up right now, I'm ready.

came up out the room, combated us, right across the room.

Yeah, I think about the death, and the death of your angel.

I was a bit...