Original subtitles

You want to talk the greatest of all time.

The fifth Land Before Time was the quintessential Land Before Time. You're

an asshole.

All right, it's the third film. Oh, everyone says the third. Yeah, because

got the raptors in it and the pterodactyl in it. It's got kind of nice

I'm just saying I've seen hundreds of kids' movies. I have sat through hours.

You don't even watch the movies. All right, you sit there. You stare at a

butt. Sometimes they're ugly.

And you've got to sit through the whole film and wait for the next batch to come

in. You know, my mom used to drop me off at the theater by myself all the time.

And I'm just really glad that I never ran into you. Wait a minute. Where did

grow up? Because I was crazy about redheads.

No, I would have remembered that.

Maybe you blocked it out.

The mind is very incredible when it comes to erasing traumatic memories.

Ask anyone I've ever made love to. Hey!

Abbott and Fat Stella, quit grab -assing and get back to work.

I can only gut the souls that are in front of me, Mr. Bossman.

So rather than get a supervisor, you just shoot the shit for three hours?

got a movie blog. I know he has a movie blog. You're right about Land Before

Time 5.

Excellent foot.

Must be a blockage.

Oh, God.

Must be a couple of 660 -pound learning chattel fatties just gumming up the

works.

Well, here's your problem right there.

Yeah, obviously. There's a huge beaver dam blocking the river Styx.

Look at that. They're so cute. They've got like a little community. Just grab

the dynamite. Let's blow this shit up. Yeah, let's annihilate it. Wait!

I need those beavers.

We must not hurt the beavers.

What do you give a shit about beavers, Dr. Mengele?

Carrie, look at this rag.

I can't really see it because it's all...

What have you done to me?

Don't worry.

What have you done to me? Everything's fine.

I just sewed your head onto a beaver body. Oh, my God.

What did you do to Claude, my best friend? What did you do?

Nothing. I'm fine. I know not to look at a rag when a Nazi shoves it in my face.

You look sweaty, Claude.

You sure you wouldn't like to take a shower? I have a shower.

For the last time, Dr. Mengele, I'm not interested and I never will be. Oh,

don't be like that. It feels so good. You sure you wouldn't like it? Not

interested. Oh, give it a go. No, thank you. It has one of those pulsating

muscles. Ah, shit. You're being very polite about it, but no.

The water is refreshing. No, it's not. You love it. Thank you, but no thanks.

You're welcome, but please.

No. I want a shower. You're not allowed to take a shower because I'm just

spraying you with some very potent beaver pheromone. That's beaver piss.

want you to run into the beaver dam.

and shake it around a little bit. You know, the way the beavers like it. And

then you run out of there on your little beaver legs and you lure them into

these cages.

I hate to break it to you, Dr. Mengele, but nobody's going to want to have sex

with that, not even an animal. I'm sick of your criticisms, Claude. Benji said

if I was 20 years younger, he'd have no problems molesting me. All right?

So put me in, coach.

Yeah.

You have to at least admit that Spielberg's a great director.

Who? Oh, God, they're following me! Oh, God!

Dr.

Mengele? Are you cloning Hitler?

What?

You're crazy!

Just because I'm German, everything's Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

That's very hurtful.

You're wearing the armband.

That is heritage, not hate.

Look, everyone loves pure adrenaline thrill rides.

Why not pure racist men?

People are so PC these days. Hitler wasn't like that. He would speak his

He was a great man.

He deserves to be clothed.

But I'm definitely not trying to clone Hitler.

I knew it. You're cloning Hitler.

No, no, no, no, no. Why would Hitler hire himself?

I'm going to give you a T -shirt. I know you people love free gaudy

trinkets. The Fourth Reich, Reich back.

We would be required to wear that if we were ever to take over hell, which we

are definitely not doing. Right. Okay. I'm going to get and I actually left my

fiddler on the roof. So adios. Have a good one.

What?

Be sure to tell your Satan we are not cloning Hitler to take over hell with a

giant robot.

Okay, well, good luck not cloning Hitler.

Mangala is cloning Hitler.

Oh, cool.

That should be fun. He told me to tell you that he has no interest in invading

hell, which is exactly what they told Poland and Czechoslovakia and Russia. So

you've come to Satan to stop the genocide.

When you put it that way, it sounds silly.

Hey, uh...

Where's my body? Because I don't want to eat any more wood, and I don't want to

be forcibly group -sexed by animals anymore.

But how would you lead the army of Aryan beavers in the overthrow of hell?

Well, that's something I'm not going to do, because that is something that we

did not discuss.

It may have escaped, because I attached the beaver's head to your body.

You'll just sew any two goddamn things together, won't you?

Gary, give me back my three -hole punch.

Hold it. Okay. You can just... No, you can add it to your home.

Mein Führer. Yeah, yeah. Would you like to make a rousing speech to inspire our

loyalists to rise up against the demon oppressors?

Yeah.

No, no, no, you talk into it. I know history, Bob, but Hitler's only supposed

have two arms.

I had some left over. I gave him ten testicles. Stop playing with your

testicles! Stop that now! Because you will pay for the shot!

Maybe you should be piloting the short -and -furter.

Satan? Doc?

Gary? I'm not part of this shit. We've come for your surrender.

Here are our terms. Okay.

Bow down to the Fuhrer.

You got it?

Yeah, and I'd also like some of those porno discs where the woman takes the

on the man.

Yeah, we got some of those.

Is that the Fuhrer?

No, don't play with your buck! This goofy shit's been going on all

No, stay right there!

It's too high! No!

No!

Right into the acid fountain. I just had that

put in last night.

Oh, well.

Buddy, you don't got to cry. You got the arm.

We can clone another Hitler. I don't know why you keep cloning Hitler anyway.

You know he's here.

What do you mean?

Adolf Hitler is here.

That's impossible.

He would have reached out to me. We were good friends.

Really?

Joseph?

Thank you.

No, Joseph.

I am no longer that man.

I changed my name to Cody St.

Clair.

It's an anagram for Adolf Hitler.

No, it's not. I'm rebranding myself.

You probably could start with shaving the mustache, so, I mean, that's where I

would start. But I've been building the forthright in your name. What about...

No, I know.

I moved on, Joseph. People change.

When they pour fire ants up your dick hole for 70 years, you have time to

reflect.

I learned that we have to love one another.

Because...

I think he's trying to save me.

Claude! Claude, I'm okay.

Claude, stop shooting.

I'm telling him I'm okay and there's still bullets.

Transform into Beaver Man.

Go, Gary, go.

Transform.

This is not working.

Let's see, next thing.

Oh, yes. I am promoting beaver -headed Gary Body to senior vice president in

charge of splinters, so you'll be reporting to him directly, Gary -headed

Body. He's not management material.

He's just dark shit all day. He doesn't talk back.

He's showing his damn table.

Knock, knock. I just wanted to apologize again for cloning Hitler

and putting him inside a giant alien robot and trying to take over

hell.

So I've made some gifts as a kind of apology.

There's a candle made from talon.

No Jewish tallow, random tallow.

And there's some soap for the shower.

This is wonderful. Totally uncalled for.

Now, shut up. Yeah, yeah.

It's great.

I never noticed the shower heads in the ceiling before.

Door's locked.

And that's your clone?

Satan! Satan!

Yes?

What you talking about, Mandela?