Original subtitles

Yo, yo, Shrek.

Shrek.

Shrek.

It's Dustin Diamond, man.

I'm bored, Squeak.

Hey, why don't you squeak out one of them funny TV jokes like you used to do

back in the day, Squeak?

All right.

I got a funny joke for you.

I get out tomorrow, and you got six more years for selling weed.

You're not going to get saved by the bill.

This time.

It's Screech. Go to hell.

Hello?

Dad! Dad?

Oh, kid, I'm... Wait, what the hell? You're home!

Check it out!

who you two people are.

Hey, Levi, I think I know the name of that song.

I think it's called Noise Complaint.

See, Levi, you're disrupting the whole neighborhood.

Let Mama show you how it's done.

Okay,

listen. Don't freak out. You're in hell.

What? Yeah. Why?

For a lot of reasons that I think that you know.

Satan's a huge fan, though, and he wants you to reprise your most popular role

as lovable goofball Squeak.

You are aware that it's Screech, though, right? Listen to me. All right, it's

Squeak. The Satan thinks that it's squeak, so it's squeak from now on. All

right? I never want to hear the word screech ever again.

I'm in a sitcom.

Whoa!

Whoa!

There you are. We have to hurry, or we're going to be late for League Night.

Um...

Why is it snowing inside the house?

Honey, remember when you said, it'll be a cold day in hell before you let anyone

touch your prize bowling ball?

I've never said that. Get in here, Levi!

Papa, it's stuck.

Wow,

a hacky sitcom star being forced to star in a hacky sitcom in hell for all of

eternity?

Pretty genius, sir.

Hacky. No, it's funny.

Razzleberries!

Why the hell did I just say that?

Oh, razzleberries better not be my catchphrase.

Razzleberries! Oh, come on, I'm being forced to say it.

Razzleberries. See, that's going to be the next dynamite, you know?

What is that?

Well, that's a catchphrase, Claude. You know, like, hey, sit down and potsy.

Nanu nanu.

Plain de plain.

Jane, you ignorant slut, you.

Yeah, that's a ticket. No soup for you. I don't get any of those references, but

I was referring to that.

Razzleberries!

Boob farts!

Razzleberries! Boob farts!

It's your turn, Squeak.

What are you doing? Trying to kill myself.

Judging by his bowling game, I don't blame him.

Seriously, though, you can't kill yourself. We've all tried thousands of

Are you serious?

Tens of thousands of times. Come on, man. I've spent my entire life trying to

distance myself from Screech. Good. That's good. That's good. Because if you

enjoy it, it's not a torture and Satan will end it. So you gotta hate it, but

then you gotta, like, enjoy it.

Like life on Earth.

Boy, you're up. Come on. Make your papa proud.

All right, all right. Guys are watching, just like I showed you. Get in there.

Levi, you're killing me. What's going on, son?

Sorry,

Dad. I slipped on the ice.

Spare me the sob story, you turkey.

And don't eat that yellow snow.

See, you're getting it.

Sparing turkey are dumb bowling terms.

And the snow part, right?

I was kind of putting a hat on a hat.

Hyrule Lagoon is a sheet of ice.

Hell is literally freezing over.

All because of that one line of dialogue?

Seems like a pretty thin B -story, Satan. It's not a B -story, Claude,

What writer would think of something so dumb?

The magic I use to create the sitcom is spreading like a virus.

And if I can't stop it, hell could become a frozen tundra.

Hey, Satan!

This hot poker ain't hot anymore.

All right, well, then, just stick it on your tongue.

Yeah, but it's already been up my ass. I know exactly where it's been, Eddie.

I found something here.

In order to reverse the spell and get the snow to stop, I need the eyes of a

small child.

Oh, that's it? I thought you were going to ask for something ridiculous.

Where are we going to find a child in hell?

This child falsely accused a priest of rape.

That's not even a joke. That actually happened. I don't think an Iowa's child

going to play very well with our audience.

It's a bit of a down.

Am I right?

It's even more of a downer. Being frozen in hell for all eternity.

Now you get out there and you go find this kid and you rip his eyes out and

bring him back to me. I can't take much more of this. All right.

Boob farts.

Can we please do something about the temperature in here? We actually can.

You want to reverse the spell?

And to keep hell from freezing over, all you need to do is stab your son's eyes

out. Wait, what?

No.

No.

I'm sorry, I just don't see Squeak doing that. Really? This is weird because,

from my recollection, you stabbed somebody in real life, Dustin. Look, I

knife, yes, but it was for defense.

Some guy tried to choke me and nicked his arm. It was a big to -do.

The media just loves to spin that whole child star gone bad angle. That's why

this show is so important.

Gives me a chance to rehabilitate my image. Wait a second.

So none of this is a torture for you?

I'm acting, Gary.

Hello, I'm...

Fine, I'll stab the boy's eyes out.

It's my job!

Fart.

Boobie fart.

Alright.

Here, your eyeball.

I feel terrible about myself.

I always wanted to see life through the eyes of a child, but this is ridiculous.

Yeah, sorry, buddy.

After this whole child eye thing, your character's just not testing well with

audiences. I got like 15 seasons left in me. Funnier when he was fatter. We'll

write a scene where I'm handling a puppy.

Where I save a puppy from a bunch of snakes.

What is that?

I'll be damned.

It's a thermostat.

Somebody must have nudged it.

Snow is stopping.

Boy, is our electrical bill going to go through the roof.

Take these and go.

You guys have it.

That is funny.

I guess I'll be going.

That was funny.

I mean it.

Hey!

Let's hear it for the man with the plan. Hey!

I just wanted to tell you, I really, really love the direction the show is

going. Thank you. And I've decided to greenlight it for a thousand seasons.

A thousand seasons?

Razzleberries!

Yeah, I'm kidding. It's canceled.