Original subtitles

Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went down to Georgia looking for a

soul to steal?

Yes. Okay,

well, it's Golden Fiddle Week, gentlemen.

Sign one out with Bob.

You know the drill.

Find somebody topside and bet them a golden fiddle for their soul.

Just make sure you can win.

I do not play a damn fiddle. You don't need to be able to play a fiddle. Just

challenge them to something you're good at, like William here is a world -class

opera singer.

Thank you.

I can't believe he murdered his family.

Scoot over, you dirty roofers, because I'm the best that's ever been at

And I'll bet you a fiddle of gold against your soul that I'm better than

tent. I'm the best that's ever been at tequila drinking. I bet I can make love

to your son, and I'm the best that's ever been.

I'll beat your ass at bar trivia.

I would beg to differ.

Well, I'm good, but I'm not like a pro at nothing.

You just said you're the best it's ever been. Bottom line. Can I make love to

your son?

Just one game.

Come on, man.

Calling the police. But I'm the best it's ever been.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Steve.

Oh, my God.

Hey, hey, hey, cabrón.

I bet three dudes that I could beat them in nailing shingles to a roof.

and I crushed their asses because I'm the best there's ever been.

And they weren't even working very hard. They nailed in a couple of shingles,

and then the whole team said that their back hurt.

Where's your soles?

Oh.

They left before I could do that.

Yeah, and then they moved the ladder, and they put it in the van, and they

away out of shimmy down a drainpipe, and I got stuck in a bush.

So you basically shingled that roof for free. And I'm the best at it.

Yep, they said on their business card they were the best. As a matter of fact,

they were not the best.

I'm the best there's ever been.

Where's your fiddle gear?

Oh, I got it right here.

Mm -hmm.

Where's my fiddle?

I want all those fiddles back by the end of the week. Do you understand me? Yes.

Otherwise, I'm going to find them, and I'm going to restrain the veins in your

dick, you little shit. I'm not looking around.

I need those fiddles back.

I'm at a solid goal.

Have you seen my fiddle?

Where's my fiddle?

I'm looking for my fiddle. Where is it? I don't know. Where did you put your

fiddle?

Here's my fiddle. No, that's my fiddle.

It's got roof and tar all over it. You diddle my fiddle. I just need a bottle

Ferdinand. You reek of booze.

Did you lose your fiddle?

You've been here all Golden Fiddle Week at Burglar's Cove getting slammered?

You!

Toad! I got another Golden Fiddle for your soul. And this time, I brought a

trivia expert. No.

By night's end, I'm going to be fiddling while Troy burns.

That's a reference to Nero in Rome, 64 A .D. But if I'm wagering my soul, you

should wager yours, too.

Done. Both of ours and the Golden Fiddle in exchange for the fiddle you won from

me last week.

I... will end you.

Good Will Hunting best screenplay what year?

95.

97.

This is going to be a piece of cake.

Sarah, I'll take 30 hot wings and a diet soda delivered to my table post haste.

You can take your tip out of my bar box from last week's winnings when I took

him down.

I got a real ringer here. He knows everything about pop culture and Canada.

And dead celebrities?

I've been in hell for the last ten years. The only dead celebrities I know

Jeffrey Dahmer and Adolf Hitler. I'm the best that's ever been at bar trivia.

Yeah, you're the best that's ever been, all right. The best that's ever been at

passing out drinking jello shots while I sit there lifting Kenny Rogers' head. I

only know The Gambler. I've heard it five times. They must think I'm

I have two souls.

Tony couldn't know the difference. What are you doing?

Hi.

What the fuck are you two doing in my soul closet?

It's a really funny story. Troy's an alcoholic.

And he lost both of our souls and our fiddles in a bar trivia contest. So no,

Troy, it's not a funny story.

Hashtag golden fiddles. Hashtag souls.

Hashtag suck it, Satan. Is this the guy?

We're trending?

These golden fiddles are recruitment rules. They're bait. You are not to lose

them in a bet. You lost to Charlie Daniels.

He wears a vest without a shirt.

He's got a five -pound Confederate flag belt buckle.

And that's his proudest thing.

And he had kids.

Come with me.

We're going to get raped.

Gentlemen, behold.

Oh, is this some kind of tree? It's a tree of knowledge, you dumb jit.

Pick it up. Gobble up this fruit, all right? It's a truck full of useless

information. Come on, eat it up. You put it in your mouth, up your ass, I don't

care. Either way.

Come on. This way. Come here.

You got to help these two idiots win a trivia contest. Come on. Oh, man, I got

to eat this moldy fruit because of your dumb asses? Get in there. Get some of

this. Come on. It tastes good. Drop it. It's not right.

Keep it in, Gary.

Swallow the seeds, too. All of it.

Deep best was the fifth beetle.

There we go.

Those beetles used to be called the quarrymen.

Is that true? The Simpsons is the longest -running scripted television

I already knew that. Nice.

Work it. Work it. Keep going.

You're not the real thing. What?

I want my fiddles back, understand?

Back for more, huh?

And I see you brought reinforcements.

No, right, newples.

I'm referencing the question you got wrong last week. I know. A golf ball on

average has 336 dimples. Well, you're a week too late.

And by the end of this match, I want two more fiddles, two more souls, and I

expect to be crowned supreme ruler of the underworld.

Well, sorry, but we don't have the authority to give you anything. It's a

You're about to learn what my ass tastes like, Toad.

I think the Dimples is a great team name.

No, no, no, no. Man, that name sucks.

We need something like a play on the tree of knowledge.

The Fruity Boys.

Big Dangling Fruits. No.

The Thinky Banana Buddies. What are you talking about? Tiny G. Big R. Rapes. Big

Rapes. I already turned our name in. Our team name is Funnelingus.

Funnelingus? Yeah, yeah, because we're here to have fun. But if we happen to,

that wouldn't be bad either. All right, everybody, welcome to Tuesday Trivia.

We're so happy most of you are back with us again this week. Get started.

Our first category is music.

What is the top -selling album of all time?

Michael Jackson's Thriller.

What figure appears in the background of every Seinfeld episode?

Superman.

Superman. The musical Cats is based on a book of poetry by what author?

P .S.

Eliot. What is the world's largest island?

Greenland. Greenland. Just an update on our scores. Tied at the top, we have

Funneling Goose and Todd, Eater of the World.

Which Elton John album was the first album to ever be released?

Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

How tall is Big Bird? You have to wait. The answer

should be 8 '2", is correct.

All right, it's time for our final trivia question for all the marbles and

in bar bucks. Category is the Bible.

The question is, in the book of Thessalonians, what city did Satan stop

from traveling to?

Destroyed? I don't know what you said.

I've only read the Torah.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa.

Todd's not writing anything down. Come on, we have to get this.

We have to eat more fruit, man. There's no more fruit.

How do we eat all the fruit already? What are you doing?

I'm calling a friend.

My ear hurts. I better rub it with my knuckle like this.

No, asshole.

No.

I'm picking up the phone. He must be busy. Just use my phone. He'll answer

immediately.

Ew. Your hands are hot. Thank you for handing me that piece of gum, Claude.

My man.

Hey, hey, hey, where did you stop Paul from going to?

This is Gary, isn't it? You're using Claude's phone.

It's me, Claude. Shalom.

Yeah. All right, this is Gary, okay?

Okay, I got to go. I got to go.

Where did you stop Paul from going to?

Is your jaw locking up?

Told you those spikes would give you tetanus. Okay, yeah. Where did you stop

Paul from going to?

Paul from the Bible.

Paul from the Bible?

I don't know who that is, man. What are we doing? Where did you stop Paul?

Paul? Paul.

Paul who? Paul Simon? No, not Paul Simon. Who are you, Lorne Michaels?

Paul McCartney? No. Who did you stop Paul from going to? I don't, I don't

Paul? Your Paul?

Paul from the Bible. Why did you stop Paul from the Bible from going to?

The Apostle Paul. Yes, yes,

yes. The Apostle Paul. This is in Thessalonians, right?

Hurry the fuck up.

I need you to get me to answer.

Yes. Thessalonica. Thessalonica. Very funny story, actually.

Hello?

Thessalonica.

Funneling us back on top.

I just turned in Bethlehem. All answers are in. And the final answer to the

question is... Thessalonica.

Thessalonica. I got it. Did you get it? Oh, we got it.

Verbally. But it had to be written down, and your teammate clearly wrote

Belteen. Do you want me to go buck wilds and rip up this place?

So, got all of our golden fiddles back?

Yeah, in a way, yeah.

Absolutely. What do you mean, in a way?

Ah, is he the workman? I want a display case built.

Right here, big enough for all four of my golden fiddles and four souls.

Who is this?

I will see your face turn alabaster when you find the servant is the master.

Wrapped around your finger, the police... Job eater of the world.

Name's Todd Stoddsky.

Oh, actually, while you're at it, could you get rid of this?

Because my name's Todd, not Satan.