Original subtitles

Eddie, I called you up here because you're a tortured soul, right? Yeah.

To me, you don't seem that tortured.

Oh, no. The demons do a number on me. I mean, you hear my screams, they echo.

You hear that, right? I know those guys are buddies of yours.

Okay, you got things going on like, I mean, Gary's on his phone a lot. Their

heart's just not into it. Hot pokers again?

I think the main torture with these guys is boredom.

This little computer got a game on it where you can be your own dolphin and

can name it. Guess what I named mine? What?

Ted. Ted?

Someone be flaming open with those whips. Yeah, you're in a hurry to get

ass whipped, ain't you?

Y 'all flayed now?

Flay master?

I can go for some coffee. Ooh, coffee now. That'd be good. How do you take

coffee?

Black. Like I'm gonna make your bottom.

You're doing those miracles.

Hello? Yeah, hey, how's your torture going?

That's you guys!

Phoning it in. Open up your books, your torture manuals, your chapter one.

Don't even start with me. Understanding your pitchfork. Let's go.

as a consultant to light a fire under your asses because apparently real fire

isn't enough.

Yeah, he dead.

Gary, pay attention.

Right. All right, I assume you guys all have your books open to chapter one,

yes? Yes.

Start ripping those pages out. I want you to take all those pages, roll them

nice and tight, and then I want you to shove those pages right up your ass.

And then once you're done shoving them up your ass, then you can pull them out

of your ass because apparently that's what you guys have been doing with your

tortures, pulling them out of your ass. Gary.

Don't literally do it. Everyone take a new soul.

I want you to get to know that soul.

And I want you to design a unique torture for each and every one of them.

you guys to dazzle me with these.

More importantly, you want to dazzle him.

Because if you don't... I'll take your horns and you'll be demoted to a

soul. Where can I take a shower and get this shit off me?

Uh, diarrhea lagoon.

Diarrhea lagoon is not going to work. Well, the acidity is like an astringent.

don't want diarrhea on me. Where can I get a clean shower, clean water to get

all this muck off me? There's the donkey cum waterfall.

Donkey cum waterfall?

Yeah. If someone piss on me, I want this off me. If it's piss, I don't care. All

right. I'll take it.

Gary, you've been downloading porn this whole week? No.

Yes. But it's just this one picture.

Very disturbing, Benji. You can teach my seminar someday.

Thank you. Way too much going on here. Quality, not quantity.

I'm T -Head. My victim loves golf.

You know what? Focus on his fears, not his hobbies. But otherwise, a hole -in

-one VC. Very good.

So you must have a really great torture already figured out, right? I'm gonna

be... Staple in the head, guys.

That.

So you're doing exactly what VC was doing, except you're just using little

staples. VC's just ripping off a Hellraiser, and nobody wants to talk

that. What he's doing is an homage to Hellraiser. What you're doing is just

blindly copying off VC. It's a parody of him. I'm weird -owling what he's doing.

Weird -owling him, okay. I have nothing.

Gate for you? I have absolutely nothing.

Help me. Please help me. I need help.

Something wrong, Gary?

No, things are really good.

My torture is so scary it makes me want to cry.

I'm going to blow everybody's asses out of the water.

Okay. I like the two. Nice.

I'm T -Head. I know!

All right?

I know. Get the hell out of here.

Just think of something horrific from your childhood.

Is this Scooby -Doo?

No, I didn't have that, so I just got you this scary thing instead.

I don't know. Yeah, it's Scooby -Doo.

Okay, if your mother calls, you tell her I'm in the bathroom, all right? If you

need to know, I'm at the game.

Go Pythons, yeah?

It's a sheer delight to meet you.

I think

I got it.

Thanks, Troy.

It's a sheer delight to meet you.

You can't see, but I'm a puppet holding pruning shears.

Hello? The patient awakens.

The surgery was a complete success.

Oh my god. God, I can't help you here. No, I was going to say, this is just

that movie Sutures.

This is nothing like the movie Sutures.

Is there a phone hidden in one of five incisions in my body?

Yes. Well, I'm guessing it's in this bulge right here?

Yeah.

Yeah, let's get the phone. Take out the phone.

Cool. Is it going to explode like in the movie, Sutures? I don't feel any ideas

from the movie, Sutures.

Okay? It's a hack job film.

Sutures 2 through 8 were phoned in. All right? They lost the whole original cast

and the original director.

Okay. The only way to activate the bomb that may or may not be in that cell

phone, this sounds different from Sutures, is that you need to take out

phone. And you need to call your estranged father to get the password.

I mean, I like my dad, so it's not that big a deal.

My guy's dead.

Gotta wait a day for his body to reconstitute.

What did you do?

Pulled his skin off, made a skin suit, and then I raped him. Because I thought

it'd be shocking to get raped by yourself.

Yeah. But he was already in shock.

And then I ate him because I just wanted to top myself.

I wish I could do it again because it's just...

I'm just a little OCD that way. You did all that in seven minutes?

Yeah. It's on my record. He was tough. He was a bodybuilder. He was tender off

the bone like a toddler.

Can you get out of here so I can focus a little? Oh, sure. Yeah. Okay. Don't

work too hard. Get away from me. Get away from me.

You're so sensitive.

Do you have any other specific memories of your father that may make you cry or

be scared?

None that I'm aware of.

Do you mean to tell me your dad never, like, whacked you on the head and said,

hello, is anybody home?

No. My dad was pretty great growing up. Oh, yeah. But what about the time when

you were playing baseball and you missed the ball and he was like, Gary the

fairy, Gary the fairy.

Your dad did that to you?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

It sounds like you should talk to him, maybe. Like, tell him how you feel.

What would I say to him?

You know?

Why did you lock me up in a hot car when I was nine?

Did you not know how to open a car door when you were nine?

I didn't know how to do it.

I was told not to.

I was afraid that if I walked out into the parking lot, I'd get lost.

Well, what's your dad's name?

Lamar Bunda.

Okay. What are you doing?

Information for Lamar Bunda. No, no, don't. We...

Lamar.

You there? You there?

Oh, what should I say?

Hello?

Is this Lamar Banda?

Please take me off your list, please.

That was him.

That was my dad.

Well, I mean, I have his address. Do you want to go pay him a visit?

How long do I have before I explode? Oh, I didn't do any of that stuff.

Oh. Let's see.

Whoa.

This old fury's just like my dad.

What? Did you rent this? Oh, no, this is mine.

Want to get back?

In the back? Yeah.

All right.

You see

that? Huh? That's how it's done.

It's too easy.

I think Gary might be a little late for the meeting.

You think?

Guys, this is what I've been preaching all week. He's got a hot car and a

puppet, and he's in Gary's head.

Not everybody has to be cut up and eaten, Benji.

Somebody's watching the end of the tape here. I'm an adult. You're just a

puppet. You suck on that puppet.

Yeah, all right. I'd like to leave this parking lot. I ain't got my life. It's

the sheer delight.

Wait, where are you going?

Come on, man.

Oh.

Dad?

It's been a long time.

I didn't know you were in the Army, Dad.

Yeah, I came home from the war, had a kid.

I didn't know what I was doing. No, you did not.

I just didn't want you turning into a big fairy.

Well, Pappy, I'm not a fairy. I know, son. And I think I had a big hand in

You did.

You really did.

Apparently they're on a fishing trip together down in the Keys.

Troy, your biggest fear is being one -upped by Gary.

It was just nice to see my dad in his element.

Drunk.

On the water.

Ignoring a lot of what I was saying.

But there, me and Dad, we were pulling up Martins left and right. Easy peasy

Japanesey. Just jumping into the boat.

Game warden came over and said we had to throw all the Martins back. It's called

Marlins, Gary.

It's Marlins. I'll be a Martin in my face!

Yeah! Yeah! Coffee run. You guys want coffee?

I'd love a large macchiato. No!

No.

Get him a medium.

Ha ha ha!