Original subtitles

Dolphins are man's best friend, not dogs.

You're killing the coral reefs with bad chem -chemicals. Uh,

don't quote me, but I think you want U apostrophe R -E on that, Ted. It's not

the possessive. Then you're beeswax, Cliff. It's one R in coral, too. You're

spelling it corral.

What, are you trying to save a dude ranch or something?

It's about saving the reef. Okay.

Hey, Ted. What's up? Gary!

You got any white out? No, I do not. Satan wants you in the conference room.

you not get the email?

Are you kidding? He doesn't read emails, Gary. He doesn't even have an email

account. You don't tell me what to do. Did you grab your buddy Cliff there?

Because Satan wants him there too, so... I don't trust him.

He's not a regular man.

I don't care.

And here he is.

Listen,

I know you hate attention and you crave your privacy, so we're going to give you

lots of attention and take away your privacy.

We have a roast of Ted's honor, gentlemen.

Does anybody recognize this?

That's the tree huger bomber.

He was bombing people who made trees huger.

Tree hugger. No, no, that's correct, Gary. This was the tree huger bomber,

semi -literate echo terrorist from the 80s. The one and only Ted!

Yes! Ted!

Ted! Ted! Yeah, you saw it!

I put together a little highlight reel of Ted's important environmental work

the trees and the birds and the dolphins and the flowers. Watch this!

Yo! Ho!

You're killing the turtles.

Your? Like in days of yours?

We don't have any turtles.

Now you're not big into swimming, but to you it's to get in the water with one

of them dolphins and swim around with them a little bit.

I tell you, you love them just like I love them.

He's the only one that truly understands me.

I can talk to you about my theories.

Wait, Angela, you're a married woman.

Oh, no, no.

and a homemade acorn pie.

But no wonder the FBI had never found you,

Ted. Who'd want to go in that dump?

All right, listen, I got Ted a little present here.

We know how much you love animals.

That's your paperweight. So we put a little dolphin head in there.

2 ,162 pages of Ted's Manifesto. I hope you can read the fine print!

And that's my only copy!

I have a two million dollar bounty on my head. How much are you nerds worth,

huh? Vilch, probably.

Nerds!

You bitch!

Well,

good party, guys. Yeah, Gary.

On the invitation, you said there would be cake, that the cake would not be made

out of manure or bugs.

There would be chocolate inside of the cake. Yeah, it does have a little

chocolate holding the manure and the bugs together.

I'm a

police

siren. Really?

Has anyone seen Ted?

No, not since the roast.

I think we may have been a little bit hard on him. There he is. Ted, my man.

I get that a lot. Different Ted.

Benji?

Yeah.

Troy.

Oh, look at this. There's one for Gary?

You know me, Ted.

That must be pretty popular.

Should open those suckers up. Come on, Ted. We're sorry about the joke.

Plus, we know these are bots.

Mine is a...

pile of bat turds with a timer. That's so funny because those mines. You try

finding fertilizer in hell.

No, that's not funny.

I did.

Oh, no.

Mine's going to blow up.

Ted.

I'm all alone down here.

You're not alone, Ted.

I read your manifesto and I think you had a lot of good ideas in there.

Not the stuff about blowing up computers, of course.

What does it matter? Satan shredded it anyway.

I scanned it. It's right here.

In my belly!

And I can spell check it for you, too.

You'd do that for me?

Of course I would.

What are friends for?

I do have friends.

That's not how you spell bomb -making spilling.

Technology's not so scary after all, is it?

See? Bad guano will explode, if you know how to mix it.

It's a label template with stickers.

Now doesn't that look more professional?

Up top! I think people are going to be really impressed today.

Thanks, Percy!

Now this is how you address a package.

Ted could really learn from whoever did this.

Does that package smell like batshit?

Oh yeah.

Don't open it!

Now you know what? You should open it!

Don't you yell at me.

And where are your arms? You idiot.

You look dumb.

I may have already won, and I like those asses.

Moses? What's that prick want?

He opened it!

He got the message!

Holy moly! I may have killed Satan.

It's getting hot.

We gotta lay low.

Or lay high. Top side. Up top. Know what I mean?

Earth? Well, your body's still up there, Ted. Frozen in that shack. If we can

get your soul back up into your body, there's no limit to the number of people

we can explode.

You're right.

Let's blow this popsicle stand.

Oh, wait.

We already did.

She's talking about hell. I know. I got what you were talking about.

Just like I remember it. One room, but it's roomy. Real roomy.

Angela, you waited.

My tap shoes.

Right there on my dead body.

Hey, try it on. Let's see how it looks.

Hey, you look really good. I know we don't have electricity in here, but...

Cliff, we'll get you a phone, get you Wi -Fi.

We're going to start bombing people.

Like you taught me, more professional, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turn around,

dude. Let's see those legs working, huh?

Yeah. You and me, man. We're going to do it.

Yeah, FBI, please. Yeah, I have a tip on the tree huger bomber.

Yeah, is that $2 million reward still available?

For my last meal, I'd like one freshly baked acorn.

Two million dollars worth of cocaine and hookers. Boom. Gone. I had never tried

alcohol before. Can you believe that? It's amazing.

But all the solders came loose on my motherboard.

Burned up my hard drive. I really did.

That's what happens when you're bumping and grinding, you know.

Vegas, baby.

Yeah, sounds like you had a real wild time.

I did. I very much did. Are you getting this or what?

Getting what?

The document I'm sending to you. Hey, Ted. Troy, have a moment with your

computer? Hey, sorry about the shack, man. My CD -ROM 5 is all wonky. I'm

to gouge your eyes out.

Hey, Ted.

Welcome back, buddy. Come with me. I got a new job for you.

You don't have the balls.

New department I've started, Ted.

And I want you to run it for me.

Yep. So what you have to do is you take a hook and you slam it into the

blowhole. Take this and you cut off the schnapps. Pretty quick.

They're going to be making lots of... But trust me, they're not giggling.

They're in a lot of pain.

Get 50 of them done by the end of the day today and then we'll work our way

All right?

Don't make it hard on yourself. I don't want to do it. I know.

I

can't cut your

nose off?

God, you sleek, beautiful, genius of the sea.

Need a little help?

Cut it? Ted, man, welcome back, brother. We missed you.

What's all this stuff?

We knew you didn't want to cut off the noses of those dolphins, so we're going

to do it for you.

Guys! Satan never said anything about not sewing those snouts back on.

So what I brought was a little bit of sewing thread and a needle and some

antiseptic. And what we'll do is we'll sew the snouts back on their bodies.

They'll be out in the ocean dancing and singing for the rest of their lives,

naturally. Don't sew the snouts back on. No, we definitely won't do that.

Want those dolphins to bleed out.

Man, his hearing has gotten, like, way better. Can I just have some of the

water? No. No water.

Bit it.

Anyway. Sorry, dude.

See you guys.

Probably not.