Original subtitles

I used to make this piece of cake, and my brother would just get so mad at me.

Whoa! Did you see that?

It was a spaceship!

Where'd you get that gun?

My dad's nice, man.

Damn, you ugly slut.

Now you in hell.

So people can't catch a break. No, no, no, DJ, no. It's guys, it's aliens

from... space.

He's great.

He's here to promote peace.

He's here to save the universe.

And he doesn't belong here.

Hey, ex -files, if you die on Earth, you don't believe in Jesus, you get the

hook. Now hook him. See, that's what I'm talking about. No, no, no! I will not

face the wrath of the Intergalactic Committee.

And I refuse to gut any more molesters until you bring them down.

You all right, Eddie?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God.

You healed all of Eddie's wounds.

All right, do it again.

Thank you.

What?

Because you healed Eddie's wounds, I'm going to call you...

Healy. Hey, what's going on?

Eddie's been down here for 45 minutes. He's completely unblemished.

Well, it's because Healy's been healing him with his healing powers, you

knucklehead.

Healy? Healy is short for Healifer, and I am his Earth father.

And it's amazing.

It's proof that there's life in our space.

Yeah, I'm not really into sci -fi.

It's not sci -fi. It's just thigh.

Will you do me a favor? Will you cut his head off and stick it on a spike and

then slice his body up into pieces and make him eat the pieces? He's proved

there is life force out in the... universe.

He made my whip into a licorice whip with a peppermint handle.

Healy, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Come here, Healy.

Heal this, huh?

Whoa!

That's awesome!

He gave me hair. You look like Willy Wonka's Coke dealer.

He gave me licorice hair. He gave you licorice hair! Cut his head off. No,

from Zeta Reticulum! Cut his finger off, too, and make him eat it.

I don't want to do this.

I know you're special.

And you're my little peanut that I want to keep in a little basket.

But they don't care that you're special or that you're cute or that you're my

little peanut. Do they?

Hold his big -ass weird feet.

God bless you, little boys.

Hey, look.

What is it?

I don't know, man. Looks like plants or something.

It's weed.

Look at this, Gary.

Tomatoes. Asparagus.

It was Haley.

He made the vegetables grow in the tar sands.

That's a pepper.

A yellow pepper.

William. No, pal. Can you do me a favor?

Sure, Gary.

What's up?

I feel like my whole body's filling with energy.

Yeah, I guess that's what happens when he eats something besides chalk for a

change. Where do you get chalk from?

I get it from a comics room.

That's why I ain't no chalk, baby.

Come on.

Hey, Haley, you're in disguise.

Stop drawing attention to yourself.

What the hell are you guys doing? Nothing. You know, just hanging out with

friend William, you know, just chilling down.

That ain't William.

That it was running slow, and so he's fixing it.

He's ripping his intestines out.

Hello, Gary.

Oh, look at that. He made a little translator.

I'm not sure what part of your planet this is, but I want to go home. Well,

guess what? I want to go home. This guy wants to go home. Everybody here wants

to go home.

You're a soul now. Your body's dead.

I can get back into my body. On Earth?

Yes, I can heal myself.

We're not exactly supposed to leave, Healy. Help me get my body and I will

you to my home planet. We have a tree that grows your favorite food.

What do you mean, tell me? So you've got a tree that just grows pad thai? Yes,

and we have horny sex robots that exist only to please you. All nude. Triple X.

I want to go. I want to go. No, no, no. Shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth. Let me ask them. They do hand jobs?

Well, they'll do anything.

You can get more than hand jobs.

I'm gonna tell me they got like real hands, right? And not like just claws.

They're not gonna rip off my dick and balls.

Uh,

you know what?

You're gonna take me too because otherwise I'm gonna tell Satan.

Please don't do this. You're also fixing my eyesight because you know what? I'm

sick of wearing these glasses.

Okay, then down here.

He was a liability, so I turned his face into corn. All right, well, I'm going

to go pack my stapler, then we can get out of here. Leave the stapler. My

has plenty of staplers.

Yeah, you just hide in there. Just shh.

All right.

Yeah, I just got to take the old machine topside, get standard maintenance

underwear.

For some reason, these photocopy repair places aren't down here. They're always

up there.

You know how it is with photocopiers, because you're always using them, and

they, like, need maintenance pretty much standardly all the time, so I'm just

taking her topside with her.

Taking her topside.

See you, buddy.

According to my finger, my body's nearby.

It's you!

It's you! Oh, my God.

They're playing with your gut.

Let me wide open.

Why, you animals, why?

That is too much to heal. There are my space shorts.

I can call my brother.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Mention me.

You know, mention I'm coming with you guys. Tell him that we can have some pad

thai on me. And my tree. The tree that grows all my favorite foods.

And then I can have some alone time with that robot that's just going to give me

hand jumps all night.

Hold my translator.

No, but wait, wait, wait. Listen, hey.

I'm really excited to meet you guys.

I think it's going to be fun. I can't wait to meet you, son.

Yes,

I'm still alive. No thanks to you, dumbass.

That was just some stupid Earthling.

I do not give a shit if you have to ask off of work, Roy. This place is

horrible. I'm going to push that we have this entire planet destroyed.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, Doctor, yes, yes.

Aliens are normal to see every day.

My brother wanted me to tell you thank you for helping me. Why can't your

brother just thank me in person while we're on your home planet? He said he's

bringing the smaller ship and you may not fit inside.

Well, I can just take left up. Won't that fix the problem?

There are many sandstorms on my planet. You'll get a lot of sand in your pad

tie. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you backing out on me?

Is that what I'm hearing from you?

Hey, where do you guys think you're going with that box?

A lot of the beings on my planet are racist. You may have trouble finding

with the way you look. I'll be fine as long as there is no Satan.

What about Satan?

Who told you?

Was it Troy? Troy has a speech impediment.

Shut your cornhole!

Get that cornhole.

Come with me.

This is a soul shredder.

It'll shred your soul for good.

You fall in there, you will cease to exist.

See ya, suckers!

No!

Let me die!

Let's try it again. You gotta be kidding me!

Gilead, take a look.

Thought you might like to see this.

the big ship anyway.

Tell them to beat me up too. I got all my shit.

See you later, Gary.

It has been real.

That's bullshit!

Hey! Let go of me. You are not a good fit. I'm coming with you anyway.

Also, I don't like you. I demand immunity by the name of the Galactic

of Starfleet. Sounds like some made -up bullshit.

Your feet!

You cut off your damn feet!

Oh, don't worry. They will grow back. You promise?

Don't you have, like, a spell that can clean all this stuff up?

Yeah, I do, but I don't want to take jobs away from people.

Yeah.

You said to him you promised.

Promised.

What, uh, what did he promise?

I mean, because it looked to me like you were trying to escape.

Certainly not.

Why don't you drop trial and tell me what he promised?

That finger's not going to heal me, is it? No.

Guess what?

I'm not doing this like I normally do. Yeah. I'm doing it the Gary way.

Ew,

here comes the airplane.

Looking for the hangar. You want it less because I want it?