Original subtitles

Ice cream. Ice cream, Mom, can I?

Sure.

Ice cream!

Don't you need money?

I need money!

Thank you.

Don't run!

Okay!

Shelly, you want ice cream?

Ice cream!

All right.

There you go.

And no running.

And these loafers? Not a chance.

I was joking.

Okay.

It was turning out to be the perfect Saturday.

The ice cream man had extra napkins. I had tons of homework.

And I was about to enjoy an orange sherbet push -up, which was the only

push -up I could actually finish.

Then it all came crashing down.

There's no telling who could buy that house.

What if they have dogs?

What if they have birds?

What if they have bows and the birds learn to bark like dogs?

Sheldon, you're getting yourself all worked up.

For good reason. That house is six feet away from my bedroom window. Who knows

what kind of smells could jump the gap?

Cigarette smoke?

A scented candle?

A durian?

What's a durian? A vile -smelling fruit of the genus Durio. When did you smell

that? I haven't, and I'd like to keep it that way. It might be nice.

It might be a family with kids your age.

I already live with a kid my age. Not a fan.

What's up? Can I talk to you about serious woman stuff?

Of course. Is this an iced tea conversation or a hot tea conversation?

Definitely hot.

Uh -oh.

So what's going on?

I think I have a boyfriend.

Wow. But you cannot tell Mom.

Oh, of course.

I love not telling your mother stuff.

So what's his name?

Mark is Adam Larson. He's 11 1⁄2. He has blonde hair, his favorite color is

green, and he's learning how to skateboard.

But he's not very good yet.

Okay, well, I have to ask. Now, at your age, having a boyfriend, what does that

mean? Do you go out on dates?

No.

Do you hold hands?

I wish, but no.

So how do you know he's your boyfriend?

Because this happened.

Well, I didn't realize you had documentation.

I know.

Something suspicious is happening next door.

Like what?

Groups of strangers keep coming and going. They must be using the house to

drugs. No one's selling drugs. They're just having an open house.

What's that?

They open up the house so people interested in buying it can take a look.

That explains why 911 hung up on me.

I had no choice but to determine if any of these prospective homebuyers would be

suitable neighbors.

This shifty fellow?

He looks like trouble.

That woman and whatever dark secret is hiding in her bag?

Probably a machete.

Oh, this lady seems promising.

Not on my watch.

Excuse me, is there someone in charge here?

That would be me.

Mr. Lundy, what are you doing here?

I'm the realtor.

But you're a teacher and an actor.

And while those both pay so well, I like to do this on the weekends for fun.

Why are you here?

I live next door and I'm concerned about who the new neighbor might be.

Don't you worry. I will personally make sure that your new neighbor is whoever

forks over the most money.

Thank you.

Wait. So, if you want to be his girlfriend and he wants to be your

What's the problem?

He also plays baseball, and this weekend, I have to pitch against him.

Yeah? So?

So if I strike him out, he might get mad and break up with me.

Why would he do that?

I forgot a bunch of boys.

They all get real mad.

You gonna pitch bad to him on purpose?

I was thinking about it. That is not what you are gonna do.

You are gonna do your best. And if you strike him out, he will respect you for

it. I don't know.

When I shook out Brian Morgan, he cried. Now everyone calls him Crying Brian.

That's pretty funny.

Thanks. I started it.

Mr. Lundy, come in.

What brings you here?

I'm the listing agent on the house next door.

But I thought you were a teacher and a... And an actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. You've got to get your son out of my open house.

Why? What's he doing?

Well... This is my house.

I notice there's hair on your coat. Clearly yours is falling out, but do you

also have pets?

I detect the hint of garlic.

Do you enjoy cooking stinky foods, or are you afraid of vampires?

Is there any chance you're just fat?

Oh, dear. I'll go get him.

Thank you.

Kind of a dump.

But I could sell it.

Get out!

Hey!

Why are you reading about property code?

The house next door to mine is for sale, and I'm looking for ways to control who

moves in there. When my family moved to Texas, they burned our fishing boat.

Tam, we're talking about my problems right now.

You usually are.

Ooh, listen to this. A seller or seller's agent must disclose if a

occurred on the property.

Why is that helpful?

That could scare off any unwanted buyers.

Has there ever been a murder next door? I sure hope so.

Hello, Officer Robbins. This is Sheldon Cooper.

What's wrong, Sheldon? I was wondering if anyone was murdered in the house next

door to mine.

You mean murdered today?

No, ever. But today would work, too.

It'll take me a while to check.

That's fine. I can hold.

Tell Mr. Givens I may be a little late to class.

It's a police matter.

Sheldon's going to be late. All right.

It's a police matter. Don't care.

Yes, I'm still here. Sorry, no murder. Just one death from natural causes in

1948. How can we be sure it wasn't foul play? The man was 96 years old, Sheldon.

That's a lot of years to make enemies.

Bye.

So, you playing the Tigers on Saturday?

Should be an easy win.

Their best player's parents are getting a divorce.

He's pretty distracted.

Well, there's a lucky break.

I just hope it drags on through the playoffs.

So how do you feel about not pitching Missy?

Why would I do that?

Well, she's growing up, and she's going through some new stuff.

Oh, I don't want to hear about that.

No, no, no. She's got a crush on a boy on the other team, and she's worried

if she strikes him out, that it'll embarrass him. Well, it's too bad. She's

pitcher. She's going to do her job.

She's also an 11 -year -old girl with big feelings.

And I'm a cranky old man with no feelings.

I've always thought that underneath that tough exterior, there was a shred of

compassion.

I know what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're using your feminine wiles to get your way.

Smart and handsome.

If we got tall.

Don't say that.

Never say that.

Don't eat.

Never say duh.

Well done.

Very moving.

And speaking of moving, if any of your parents are in the market for a two

-bedroom, two -bath ranch style with an updated kitchen, Have them give me a

call.

All right, very good.

How about next week we try some monologues from actual theater?

Just a thought.

Mr. Lundy.

Oh, what now?

What happened with the open house after you had me kicked out? Were there any

potential buyers?

And if so, can I have their names so I can run a background check with my

friends in blue?

Sheldon, if you think you're going to stop me from selling this house, you're

wrong. Oh, am I?

They tried to stop me from staging The Crucible on roller skates.

A lot of understudies went on that day.

But so did the show.

You do not want me as an enemy.

Or as a friend, sibling, or student, I've been told.

All right, look, if it's so important to you, why don't you just go out and find

a buyer that you'd be happy with?

So if I find someone I deem acceptable, you'd sell them the house?

If the bank approves, so do I.

Excellent. I wonder if Stephen Hawking would like Texas. It's very flat.

Oh, I can't afford a house, but I'm flattered you'd want me next door.

Of course I would. You don't have enough friends to throw a party.

Yeah, well, neither do you.

So you think after seeing you every day at school, I'd want to go home, look out

my window, and...

Be more of you?

Yes.

Maybe we could ride to school together.

We could play car games.

You're killing me.

I'm sorry.

Why would I want to live next door to you?

Ask Mr. Givens. Apparently I'm hilarious.

That's sweet of you for asking, but I'd rather stick my finger in a pencil

sharpener and crank away.

I would love to, Sheldon, but there's a...

District rule that says a principal can't live next door to a student.

That makes sense.

Does it?

Good.

Hey, Robin said the house next door to y 'all is for sale.

Oh, yeah, it is.

Is it nice?

Uh, nice enough.

Why are you thinking about moving?

I wasn't, but Robin's not crazy about living in a house I share with my ex

-wife. That's understandable.

I want her to be happy, because I love her. Not just because she's a cop with a

gun, but that's part of it. Well, I'm sure there are lots of wonderful houses

out there.

I'd be happy to help you look.

Do you not want us to look at the one next to you?

Oh, no, of course not.

You should absolutely look at it, as well as other houses.

I have to say, this isn't the reaction I was expecting.

No, it is the reaction you were expecting.

Excited!

My boss might live next door to me.

Yay!

Well, my boss lives everywhere, and you don't see me getting weird about it.

And then after you buy the house, you rent it out to people who are pre

-approved by me.

I can't afford a second house.

Georgie, you make as much money as Dad. Why don't you buy it? He does not make

as much money as me.

No. But I don't have to spend mine on stupid stuff like food and kids.

Mary, where's dinner?

So is that a yes to buying the house?

Sorry, when I move out, it ain't gonna be 20 feet away.

And it's gotta have a hot tub.

Sheldon, you need to stop involving yourself in this.

You upset Mr.

Lundy and you were rude to the people at the open house. And he was bugging his

teachers at school all day.

But Mr. Lundy said I could help him. I don't care.

Even Pastor Jeff is talking about buying that house now.

That could work out.

His wife's a police officer, so built in security.

And whenever I have a theological zinger, I can call it right over the

You want your boss living next door?

Not exactly.

You don't have to worry about your boss. There's a district rule that says that

Principal Peterson cannot live next door to me.

That sounds made up.

A principal who tells lies.

What are we going to do with this one?

Here's the payroll check.

Thank you. If you need anything else, I'll be in my office, which is next

Sorry it's so close.

Lord, I am trying my best. Please help me with this situation.

Amen.

I meant fix him, not me.

Excuse me, Mr. Lundy. I'm afraid I have some bad news.

What's going on?

My mother has forbidden me from helping you sell the house.

That is beyond bad news.

I don't think I can do this alone.

I'm sorry, it's not me.

No, I know it's not.

I just enjoyed being in the trenches with you.

As did I.

All right, Sheldon, I guess I'll see you in the hall.

Again, I'm sorry.

Me too.

And scene.

Hey, uh, Cooper.

You know, I think I'm going to have you sit this one out and let Powell pitch.

Really? Yeah.

I'd kind of like to save your arm for the playoffs, okay?

Okay.

Do you want to save my arm, too?

No. How about my legs?

You know, Billy, you never fail to brighten my day.

Cool.

Pastor Jeff, you got a second?

Of course.

I might have called before dropping in, but that's just how I was raised.

I owe you an apology.

I was worried about us working together and then living next door to each other,

but I like you and Robin very much, and if you want to look into that house,

we would be lucky to have you as neighbors.

Thank you.

Nice to hear.

I mean it.

Good, because Robin already looked at it, loved it, put up police tapes, and

one else could get in.

Ah, damn it.

We're gonna lose.

Oh, we're gonna be fine. Powell's got this.

I'll check Marcus out. Put me in.

Time! Time.

I thought Marcus was your boyfriend.

Meemaw told you?

She's my girlfriend.

You know, we talk about stuff.

So all that about saving my arm for playoffs wasn't true?

I'm just being nice.

Since when are you nice?

Well, don't get used to it.

Just go strike out your boyfriend.

Player change!

Come on, Cooper.

Good job.

Kinda.

Two more, Coop. Two more. Come on.

I thought we were saving her arm.

Not now, Billy.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, okay. You got this.

Like you.

Hang in there.

No problem.

Come on, Coop.

Three. Girl. That's my girl!

Yeah!

Good game?

Good game.

We've got some exciting news. They accepted our offer on the house. We're

to be neighbors.

That's wonderful.

Come in, come in.

What's going on? It looks like Pastor Jeff and Robin are going to move in next

door. And that's not the only news. We're expecting.

Oh, what a beautiful blessing.

Hey, Sheldon, maybe someday you can babysit for us.

Bye.

college. When he sees the baby, he'll come around.