Original subtitles

previously on Young Sheldon. I saw Connie for the first time since I broke

with her, and it's making me wonder if she also is feeling lonely, and I made a

bad decision for both of us. I hate to be the one to tell you this, John, but

she's kind of been seeing someone new. She seems to be doing okay.

I hope he gets lost at sea and never returns.

I'm having a lot of feelings.

Hey. Connie.

I thought I'd just, uh, say hi.

Would it be awkward if I asked you to join us?

Oh, couldn't be any more awkward.

In many ways, a high school is like an academic house of horrors.

There's the cafeteria, which, when even freshly cleaned, maintains a subtle

aroma of tater tots and throw -up.

The schoolyard, where one is exposed to bullying by delinquents and attacks from

above by eye -pecking demons.

But all of these pale in comparison to the most horrific location of all. A

place teeming with the sweat and secretions from hundreds of unwashed

The swimming pool.

Sorry, Sheldon. Water safety is a required part of your P .E. class.

But other kids use that pool. It's basically a big bowl of teenager soup.

It's out of my hands. It's a state requirement.

If you don't like it...

Take it up with your congressman.

I did. He won't return my call.

Then I guess you're swimming tomorrow.

Except for the laughter, the glowing eyes, and the lightning, that's exactly

it happened.

Yesterday I moved a mountain.

I did not to be your hero. I am a mighty little man.

I am a mighty little man.

I'm a little nervous. You're the first ex -girlfriend I've ever been friends

with. And you're also my first ex -girlfriend. And that's because you...

about you just think of me as your friend?

Okay, yes, that's good.

So, I understand you're seeing someone new.

Tell me everything.

No. I assume that as friends we could tell each other about our personal

Trust me, John, you don't want to hear about these things.

Actually, I do.

Your happiness is very important to me.

What the hell?

His name is Dale.

He owns a sporting goods store, and we've only been out a few times. But so

so good.

Well, that sounds wonderful. Good for you.

Thank you.

Now, would you like to hear about the women I'm dating?

You're dating other women?

Heavens, no.

Come on, Jesus. This is for your birthday. Help me out.

Boy, Sheldon is really worked up about this whole swimming thing.

Don't you think he should learn for his own safety?

You really think he's ever going to go near a body of water?

Yeah, it's only a matter of time before someone throws him in one.

Well, break it to him gently.

Me?

Swimming's a sport, and you're a sports person.

And he's a mama's boy, and you're his mama.

How about we do it together?

Fine, but you can't hang me out to dry.

Of course not.

We're a team.

We're in this together, right? You bet.

She's going to hang me out to dry.

Observation is an important part of the scientific method.

Darwin observed the finches.

Jane Goodall observed the chimpanzees. And for some reason, Dr. Sturgis wanted

to observe my Meemaw's new suitor.

Excuse me.

Howdy. Can I help you? No, no. Just browsing.

So any particular sport you might need that for?

Depends. What the heck is it?

It's a cup.

A cup?

What kind of a cup has holes in it?

Well, it protects your private parts.

Oh.

Well, I can see how that might be useful.

Well, this has been very informative.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

If you have any more questions, you let me know. I certainly will.

All right.

Georgie, I want you to keep an eye on that weirdo over there.

I know that weirdo.

He used to date my Meemaw.

That guy?

Yeah. He's, like, super smart.

I'm not sure I believe you.

Hey, Dr. Sargis.

Hello!

Wait. Uh -oh.

Hello? I may have made a questionable decision regarding our friendship.

What have you done, John?

I went to the sporting goods store to check out your new fella.

Did you speak to him?

Oh, yes. In fact, he sold me an athletic supporter to protect my genitals.

Good. You may want to be wearing that next time I see you.

Okay.

Shelly, can you turn the TV off for a second?

But after this commercial break, Professor Proton is going to use a

suck a hard -boiled egg into a milk bottle. We'll make it quick.

Go ahead.

Your mother has something to tell you.

Your mother wants you to swim.

George. Mom!

Who's ready to suck egg?

That was the lamest tantrum I've ever seen.

I'm being forced to swim tomorrow in P .E.

Poor baby. You have to play in a pool instead of sit in a classroom.

A pool of sweat, germs, and dead skin cells.

Still better than learning.

Maybe it's time for me to run away from home and join a traveling math club.

Just pretend to be sick.

That would be lying.

I'm not a liar.

Well, you better be a swimmer.

Or a drowner.

Ugh. Why don't you like me?

You're full of bacteria.

So are you.

But you don't hear me saying, ugh, it's rude.

Look, I may just be pool water, but I still have feelings.

Sorry, water.

Come on. My pH level is 7 .4, and with three parts per million of chlorine, I'm

cleaner than your daddy's plate after Thanksgiving dinner.

Wow, that's pretty clean.

Look how clear I am, Sheldon.

You can see all the way to the bottom.

Closer.

A little closer.

A little closer.

Gotcha!

Pull monster!

I don't feel well.

What's wrong, baby?

I don't know. I just feel awful.

Well, there is something going around. Billy Spark's got some kind of bug.

That is consistent with what I said.

Good.

You're staying home today. I'll go make you some tea.

Welcome to the dark side.

Mom says you're sick.

Really? Why? You love school.

Swim test.

Oh, sure. You would die.

If you're going to do this, let me give you some pointers.

You've done this before?

Tell him.

Oh, he's the master. He coached me through my last two... I slipped on the

during those.

I know.

First of all, you've got to cough even when Mom's not in the room.

Got it.

And don't put the thermometer in the tea.

114 fever is a giveaway.

Smart. Told ya. Oh, don't be afraid to let her look in your throat. She's

checking to see if it's red. But it's always red.

You are good.

Here, try spitting up a little phlegm.

We got work to do.

I'm sure he'll feel better tomorrow. And you can send any homework that he needs

to do with his brother.

Thank you.

Doesn't this all seem a little convenient?

You think he's faking it?

Today's a swim test. It's pretty suspicious.

Jonas pops up something gross in a tissue.

See? And that's why he's staying home.

Mary, come on.

No, I'm not changing my mind. My little boy's not alone.

Connie Tucker?

Yeah? Here you go.

Thank you. You're welcome.

I overstepped the bounds of friendship.

Sorry, John.

Hello? So why the hell would your ex -boyfriend send me a giant cookie?

You don't have a temperature. That's good. You want to get comfy on the couch

and watch your Star Trek tapes?

No, thank you.

I know what'll make you feel better.

Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Soft liar, warm liar, little ball of fur. Fib.

Happy liar.

Sleepy liar.

Fib. Fib. Fib.

Feel better?

Uh -uh.

Really? Cooper's out thick?

What a baby.

Really? Cooper's out thick? Oh, baby!

Hallelujah! Happy birthday to me.

Shelly, I'm going to run to the grocery store real quick so I can make you some

soup. Okay.

I had lied to my mother and gotten away with it. The guilt was more than I could

take.

I had to make this right.

I could confess and break my mother's heart, or I could turn my lie into the

truth and actually get myself sick.

Hi, Sheldon.

Hello, Billy. I hear you're not feeling well.

I'm not. I have a cold.

That's too bad.

Put her there.

Why? Shake my hand, Billy.

But my mom says that's how germs get spread.

I know.

You do? When did you talk to my mom?

Is that for your patient?

Yes. He's still under the weather.

Oh, that's too bad.

Running a fever?

No. Sniffly nose?

No. But he couldn't even bring himself to watch his Star Trek show.

Oh, dear. I better go call an ambulance.

You're not funny.

He ain't sick.

Here? Here.

Now, don't fill up on those. We've still got two giant cookies to finish.

I'm sorry about all that stuff with John.

He means well, but sometimes he can just be a little quirky.

Yeah, I kind of figured that. Yeah, I watched him play ping -pong with his own

crotch. I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he did it.

Well, I mean, how'd you meet this guy? Did you try to steal his pot of gold at

the end of the rainbow?

Okay, okay. He's a very sweet man.

Well, I bet he is.

If you must know, he's Sheldon's college professor.

Smart, short, and weird.

That's a whole package right there.

Okay, that's enough.

Well, I gotta ask.

Do you feel like you're dating a supermodel right now?

You didn't touch your soup, baby.

I'm not hungry.

You aren't feeling any better?

Well, it'll be in the fridge if you change your mind.

Young man.

Yes, you.

Pretending to be sick. You should be ashamed of yourself.

But I was afraid to go in the pool.

You are in a pool. A pool of your own deceit.

If my mother were alive, I'd never lie to her.

And I'd always eat her soup.

My grandson's trying to steal home, and he trips and he falls and lands face

first on the plate, lost the tooth. We won the game.

Get this.

He finds a tooth two days later when he goes to the bathroom.

That's it?

You don't understand.

He found the tooth. I got it.

What's going on? You okay?

Actually, no.

I don't like the way you've been talking about John.

I was kidding around.

Well, it bothered me.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Your weirdo ex comes sneaking around, checking me out, and all of a sudden I'm

the bad guy here? You don't get to call him a weirdo.

You don't think he's a weirdo? Of course he's a weirdo. You just can't say it.

Oh. I didn't think it was that big a deal. Well, it is.

He and I are friends. And if you don't stop making fun of him, you and I are

going to have a problem.

Are you saying that I'm being naughty and you're threatening to punish me?

Because I might like that.

Uh -huh.

See, you're trying to be mad at me and you can't.

Now you are getting punished.

Check, please.

Mom. Oh, baby, what are you doing out of bed?

I don't need to be in bed.

I'm not sick.

What? I lied to you so that I wouldn't have to take the swim test.

You lied?

I feel terrible about it.

You should feel terrible. I trusted you.

I'm sorry.

It's just that I was so afraid to get in that pool, so I let Georgie and Missy

teach me how to fake it. They said it was easy, but it wasn't. It really

Georgie and Missy taught you how to do this? I cannot tell a lie. They sure

Okay, calm down.

Now, you listen to me. You shouldn't have lied. It's always wrong.

But you made up for it by telling me the truth.

So you forgive me?

I do, but I need you to do me a favor.

As far as your father is concerned, you were sick.

Isn't that lying?

Honestly, no.

The following day, I returned to school. I had no choice but to fulfill my

swimming requirements.

Much like Batman, I suited up and faced my fears.

Unlike Batman, I did it with a doggy paddle across the shallow end of the

Regarding pool sanitation, it turned out I was right. It was teeming with germs.

Only I was the one who put them there.

As it happens, my interaction with Billy Sparks did get me sick.

I, in turn, created a small epidemic, taking down 128 students.

Four teachers.

And one principal. It didn't stop there. I also infected my mother.

Father. Sister. Brother.

Meemaw. And Meemaw's friend, Dale.

The newly established boundaries of friendship help keep Dr. Sturges

However, in an unrelated incident, he crashed his bike into some garbage cans.

Luckily, he landed on his recently acquired athletic cup.

That was a wise purchase.