Original subtitles

There we go.

For many kids, Christmas morning was the most exciting day of the year.

That's only because most kids don't know the joy of getting their college

midterms back.

It also didn't hurt that Dr. Sturgis looked like an elf.

Nice work, Sheldon.

Now, you'll notice that your grades are lower than expected.

That's because Sheldon did so well...

He broke the curve, turning your A's and B's into B's and C's.

They don't seem happy about it.

Maybe you can give them candy.

Nobody else is stronger than I am. Yesterday I moved a mountain.

I did not be your hero. I am a mighty little man.

Okay, this is where I spend all my time, yet somehow my ex -wife owns half of

it. Not bitter at all. Good for you.

We got baseball over here and got football right there and then hunting

fishing in the back.

Well, and this hockey puck has been here since Jimmy Carter was president.

You'd think a sport with a bunch of white boys beating each other up would

more popular in Texas.

So you want to head out?

Oh, my grandson's been wanting some weights.

Sheldon?

Hell, can't he just lift a soup can or something?

The other grandson, the pretty one with the hair.

Huh? All right, well, send him by. We'll give him the family and friends

discount. How big a discount?

Well, it depends on how much fun we have tonight.

Are you putting a price on my affection?

Yeah, kind of.

You're going to regret it.

I'm really fun.

The fever down. Try to let the body heal itself.

Keep advised.

Got out.

Captain, the neutrino.

Cooper, residence.

Hello, Sheldon. Dr. Sturgis. I'd love to talk to you, but I'm right in the

middle of Star Trek The Next Generation.

It's a good one.

Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Korscher has a plan to use neutrinos to locate

him since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor. I was actually calling to speak

to your father.

but I'm glad you're having fun with your friends.

Hang on. I'll go get him.

Dad, phone call!

Even though Dr. Sturgis was confused, one day, Wesley Crusher really would be

friend. Neat, huh?

Hey, John.

George, Tom Sturgis here.

That's why I said, hey, John.

Great. I was wondering if we could go out for a beer and talk.

Aren't we talking right now?

Yes, but we had so much fun last time, I thought we could do it again.

Gee, John, last time you got drunk and threw up in my glove compartment.

Did I?

Well, while I don't remember any of that happening, I promise to be on my best

behavior, and the drinks are on me.

Astrovia!

That's, uh, to our health in Russian.

It's not the place to talk Russian.

So what's up?

Well, Sheldon has been doing extraordinarily well in his college

I know. He maybe put his test up on the fridge next to Missy's drawing of her

hand as a turkey.

So the university has taken notice of Sheldon's talents, and they would very

much like him to enroll full -time.

Now, we've been down this road, John.

Sheldon's only 10.

Mary and I both have jobs. We just can't make it work.

Well, that's why they asked me to speak to you. They're looking to sweeten the

pot. That's a gambling metaphor.

A lesser -known version is sweeten the kitty. I assume the difference is

regional, but I'm no entomologist. This beer is yummy.

So what are they offering, John?

They thought it would be easier on the family if you were employed at the

university.

Really? Yes, that way you could drive Sheldon and keep an eye on him while

there. But I'm a football coach. Does this school even have a team?

Oh, yes, they do. They don't win much, but they lead the league in injuries.

Well, I guess that's a thing.

Okay.

Anyway, I believe they're willing to exceed your current salary by a

amount. Is that so?

Yes. They thought it would incentivize you.

Well, John, they're not wrong.

Excellent.

Dystrophia. What the hell?

Dystrophia.

How is Dr. Sturgis?

He's fine.

What did you two talk about?

I don't know.

Stuff.

Science stuff?

No, just regular stuff.

I bet he talked about me. What did he say about me?

Sheldon, everything isn't about you.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

What did you all talk about?

Sheldon.

The university wants to offer me a coaching job.

It'll help to get Sheldon to go there full time.

Oh.

We talked about this. College might be too much for him. I know, and that's why

I'd be there. You want to help him over the rough spots.

I don't know, George.

Can't hurt to see what the offer is.

There are more important things than money.

That's cute. You should nip that on the pillow.

Maybe I'll push that pillow over your face.

Excuse me. You Mr. Ballard?

Yeah, that'd be me.

I'm Georgie. Connie Tucker's grandson.

Oh, yeah.

The hair. Very pretty.

Hang on a second. I gotta deal with this guy, okay? Take your time.

So, here you go. Here's the rod you were asking about. Now, that's a good

choice. Very solid.

And then I just brought this one along to show you.

Just in case later, you know, you get serious about fishing.

Well, I'm pretty serious.

Yeah. You know, I had that feeling.

What's your name?

Jim. Jim.

Well, Jim, this rod's a little pricey. It's double the cost of that one, but

it's worth every penny.

And that's the rod I use.

Well, then that's the one I want.

Well, that's a good choice.

Thanks.

Now, with a rod like this, you want to use live bait, and we don't carry that

here, but down the street...

It's Ed's Bait and Tackle Shop.

And if you tell him Dale sent you, he'll take care of you.

I appreciate that.

So take her over there to Bernice, and she'll ring you up. Thanks.

Hey, and bring me back some catfish. You bet.

You're a really good salesman. Well, yeah, not only that, I get a kickback on

everybody I send down to Ed's.

You're awesome.

I know.

Ooh, 35 cents off goober.

What's goober?

Peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.

Think about how much time we'd save.

Hey, Dale gave you a good price on those wastes.

Better. He gave me a job.

Damn, he did have fun last night. What kind of job?

Salesman. Well, congratulations.

I'm gonna learn a lot from him. He's real good at getting people to spend

on stuff they don't need.

Well, I don't know if I like the sound of that.

You know what I like the sound of? Ka -ching.

Well, thank you.

That's a very generous offer.

Let me discuss it with my family and I'll get back to you.

Bye.

What was that about?

Are you my family?

I don't know.

I like to think of myself as your work wife.

So that's why I wanted to give you a heads up.

I gotta tell you, George, this is a real blow.

Appreciate it, but, uh, yeah, you'll find someone. There's a lot of good

out there. Not you.

Sheldon.

Sheldon? I thought everyone would be thrilled for him to leave.

Don't get me wrong. Your kid is a royal pain in the ass.

I have a problem with this permission flip. You didn't cut them in half

Mine has two holes, and Derek here just has one. Then trade.

Then Derek will have two holes, and mine will have one. You're not going to the

water park anyway!

However, his state test scores are so extraordinary, the school actually gets

more funding because of it. You serious?

Serious as the fire alarms, which are now functional, and always were, if

asks.

I don't know what to tell you. Tom, they're offering me a pretty nice raise.

Well, I can't afford to lose Sheldon, so what's it going to take to keep you all

here, George?

Thank you.

I will discuss it with my family and get back to you. Good.

Bit of a kerfuffle at the church today. Pastor Jeff promised Patricia Richards

she could sing How Great Thou Art on Sunday, but I had already printed in the

bulletin that Karen Baker was going to sing it.

They agreed to a duet, but it was touch and go.

What's a kerfuffle?

Not that.

Hey. Hey, how was your first day at work?

Amazing. I made $38 on commissions alone.

Well, good for you.

What's for dinner?

Meatloaf.

Oh, I think I'm going to go out to eat.

No, you're not. We're having dinner as a family.

Yeah, but I got money now, and I can do what I want. And what I want is a

chimichanga at Chi Chi's. I want a chimichanga from Chi Chi's. They do have

good margarita.

You were eaten here.

So were you.

I don't care what you do.

Later.

Georgie Cooper, do not walk out of that door.

Georgie.

That's a kerfuffle.

Missy, let this be a lesson to you. The love of money is the root of all evil.

Hey, you would not believe the wheeling and dealing I did today.

I'm playing the high school and the university against each other.

What do you say we go out to dinner?

Chee -chee's is good.

Ooh, chimichangas.

I've asked you all here because we've got a situation.

George Cooper's considering a job at a college and... taking Sheldon with him.

Yeah. Is it far away? I hope it's far away. Maybe it's overseas.

Oh, let's feed you. Hold your horses.

If Sheldon walks out that door, our test scores drop hard.

That affects funding, which affects your salaries.

Well, how can we help?

Y 'all need to make George and Sheldon so happy here.

They want to stay.

Oh, come on. Isn't there anything else we can do?

Yeah, Mr. Gibbons. You could do a better job at teaching the other students so

we don't rely on one boy to pull up everyone's grades.

Fine, we'll be nice to Sheldon.

I've been working for the big man all the long day.

I've been working for the big man just to wash my sins away.

Hey, Mary. What's up? Can I speak with you about a spiritual matter?

My sweet spot.

Sit.

What's the buzz?

Tell me, what's a happening?

Jesus Christ Superstar. It's a great show.

Well, um, I'm concerned.

George and Georgie might be succumbing to the sin of greed.

That's biggie. Ever since Georgie started making money, he's been very

disrespectful. Meanwhile, my husband's so busy trying to land a better job, he

doesn't even care how it might affect Sheldon.

I'm sorry to hear that. In Luke 12, 15, Jesus says, Watch out. Be on your guard

against all kinds of greed.

Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions. I know, but it seems like

the whole world is sending the opposite message.

Don't I know it. Just the other day I was at the mall, and a toaster oven

my eye. Next thing you know, I was in line to buy it, and I realized, I have a

toaster, and I have an oven. What am I doing?

Turns out Satan doesn't just hide out in honky -tonks and casinos. Sometimes

he's in the appliance section of Sears.

Well, if it's everywhere, how can we fight it?

We may not be able to control the world, but we can control our homes.

It's up to us to create an environment where the sin of greed can find no

purchase. Is that what you've done in your home?

Well, I do make my toast vertically, two slices at a time.

Take that, Satan.

Then Geordi goes missing, but Wesley Crusher has a plan to use neutrinos to

locate him since they'd be visible to Geordi's visor. Say so.

It is. I recorded the episode. I'll show it to you tonight.

That's okay.

You did such a good job explaining it, I feel like I saw it.

You're still seeing it.

What's this?

Reserve for Coach Cooper.

Would you look at that? They gave me a parking spot right by the door.

Why? I guess they're starting to appreciate my talents around here.

Why?

Oh, there's my man.

Where?

I'm neither a man nor silly, but all right.

You're so funny, Sheldon. Oh, well, that I am.

These are the flyers for the canned food drive.

And, Sheldon, you'll be happy to know I made sure they were cut perfectly so

that each one has exactly one and a half hole.

But mine has half a hole on the top, and Derek's here has half a hole on the

bottom.

What do we have here?

Hey, how come you get to park by the door?

Don't bother me, Wayne.

I'm sitting.

Hey, you got a new chair, too?

Are we going to watch an educational film?

We're going to watch Star Trek.

Star Trek in school?

Wow, he's out.

What's this?

Ooh, a golden whistle.

What the hell is going on?

You wanted to see me?

When don't I want to see you, Sheldon? Come in.

I have something I'd like to give you.

This. is a key to the faculty restaurant.

No students allowed.

One person at a time. And unlike the other restrooms, this one gets cleaned

every night.

Thank you.

No, Sheldon.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I think this show is teaching you bad lessons.

Don't worry. I'm a slow learner.

Is that Goober? Where did you get that?

Georgie got it for me. He's rich now.

That is it. I am taking this house back from the devil.

I've been accused of overreacting from time to time. But perhaps it's

hereditary, because look at my mommy go.

What happened to all our stuff?

Mom went nuts and took everything away. How am I supposed to watch Professor

Proton? All my music and magazines are gone.

Where is your mother?

You want to explain yourself?

I am taking our house back from the forces of evil. What's evil about Black

Sabbath? You're not helping.

Greed has entered into your hearts.

Especially you two.

It has not.

Is that a gold whistle?

Huh? No, it's a gift.

Now, where's our stuff? We want it back.

I'm not telling.

Mary, don't make me ask again.

Or what?

What? Your daughter lost her mind and we want to watch TV.

But Dale's coming over.

Great. Love that guy.

gobbledygook you're going through, but it is starting to affect me.

Your hands aren't clean enough.

I beg your pardon? Your new friend Dale is encouraging Georgie to be obsessed

with money.

Your husband's no good at it. You ought to be happy your son is.

George is no prize either.

Not worrying about what's right for Sheldon. Well, what do you think is

for him? Honestly?

I don't know.

I know that he's bored in high school, but he's just... So young for college.

Well, it sounds like they're trying to set George up there for him. I know.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm not ready for my baby to grow up.

No mother ever is.

I just want to keep my family safe.

I know.

But at some point, you've got to let them go.

And then one day, if you're lucky, they'll move across the street from you

absolutely ruin your life.

Seriously, get those people out of my house.

Okay. Eventually, my mother relented and returned our things with a few minor

adjustments.

What's the Moosewood gang?

They solve mysteries while they learn about God.

Georgie got his music back.

What the hell is this?

And as for college, my mother and father discussed it and decided that 10 was

too young. So I didn't start till the ripe old age of 11. In the meantime,

I had the key to one sweet bathroom.

Give me strength.

Sorry, God, I'm weak.