Original subtitles

It's the festive season, and for some partygoers, RBT might stand for Really

Blasted Today, which is why Officer Smythe is in Quakers Gulch administering

RBT's, which, in this case, stands for Random Breath Test.

Evening there, sir.

Hello. Have you had anything to drink tonight? Yeah, just had a couple of

drinks. You have? Alright, I'm going to get you to breathe into this.

Sure.

Thank you.

Everything all right then?

Listen, my concern here is that your blood alcohol reading right now is 0

.058008.

If you turn that upside down there, sir, what does that say?

It says boobs. It says boobs, doesn't it? It says boobs. That's a very rude

mate. A very rude BAC indeed, okay?

I'm going to need you to stay in the car, sir.

Please, we interrupt this broadcast.

So for last year's Met Gala, I wore Marilyn Monroe's dress.

It was an iconic piece of history and it was really well received. It had

absolutely no negative feedback whatsoever.

But my sisters are always trying to outdo me.

Okay, so for the Met Gala this year, I'm thinking of wearing this.

Okay. It's literally the suit that JFK was shot dead in.

I can't.

That's a sexy piece of history.

Literally dead.

So I'm going to wear this fur dress, but it is made from Tasmanian tiger fur,

which is cute.

It's like a wild woman.

Well, I'm going to be wearing another hat. And this one is literally made out

the Mona Lisa, like the actual Mona Lisa.

So the Lou has let me destroy it for just one night. Amazing, right?

I love Leonardo DiCaprio's work. Wow. And of course, Kenny, looking perfect as

always.

Hey, Kim, what are you going to wear?

Oh, I think I'm just going to wear my Yeezy. Oh, Leah.

Okay, but you said it was definitely our turn to be tasteless and controversial,

so what? You literally cannot share, can you?

I am literally screaming.

Yeah, after we lost the challenge, I knew my name would be on the chopping

tonight and I knew that my number one threat, Bradley, would be out there

to get everyone to put my name down.

So I did what I had to do. I went looking for a hidden immunity idol and

wouldn't believe it. I found this rock, which I killed Bradley with.

And I think it's really improved my game.

Sorry. Any other questions?

This next game is simple, but as usual, deadly.

Get ready to play Hopscotch!

Uh, sorry, we already played Hopscotch yesterday.

Oh. Yes. Okay, alright, well let's play Handball!

Uh, no, we've done that.

Yeah, because Jess died.

Yeah, Jess died. Oh, yeah, she did die. Yeah.

Okay. Let us play Marble!

Yeah, we played marbles. That was literally the first game we played.

first game. Really? Yeah.

Oh. Hmm.

Stop it. Let's play whoever's tallest wins.

Oh, yeah. That's a good one. No. No, that's a good game, actually. No, it is.

That's a fun game.

Just when you thought it was over, Peter Jackson unearthed another thousand

hours of mind -numbing Beatles footage.

The Beatles.

Get back again.

Featuring Lennon's legendary lyric, Coming to life. I know how to fix the

Woo -hoo!

Get that?

Great. That's my contribution to the soul.

You finish it. What can I say? The man's a genius.

And including arguments over 50 years old. Don't even get me started.

That's what I was doing.

Where's John?

Hiding in the toilet.

You're quite scurvy. I knew it.

Yoko was dragging this pond apart.

Get back again.

While there's still a few quid in, can I have my drumstick back, please?

As relationship experts, we know all about compatibility.

Matchmaking couples is about science. It's about chemistry.

But mostly, it's about having good instincts.

Simply put, we know when things belong together, which is why we always begin

every season with a quick word association exercise.

Bacon and... Goblins.

Sauce and... Tissues. Fish and... Mount Kosciuszko.

OK, we're ready. Let's make some matches.

I'm thinking 25 -year -old party boy and...

Woman in her late 30s desperate for babies.

Nailed it. Here is to a great season.

Chin chin.

Cheerio.

Yeah, so this is my dad. He passed away last year and I'm finally ready to part

with some of his stuff.

Lovely, lovely.

Now, the thing I love most of all about antiques, above anything else, is just

what they can say about the person who owned them.

Now, in this case, in your father's case, I can tell from these small stains

here that he had a love of gardening.

Yeah, he...

Yes, I can see he was interested in DIY and barracked for the Carlton Football

Club. Wow, that's true.

I believe he was quite rude to waiters in restaurants and the type of neighbour

that would borrow something and just not return it.

Often abusing young volunteer referees at children's soccer games. I can't

believe what I'm hearing.

A loud talker, quite ignorant, noisy, smelly. You don't know how could you

possibly... Never really wiped his bum properly. Okay, well, you don't know

you're talking about. I tell you, it's worth $30 ,000.

You, sir, are a genius.

That's good.

Well, here we are.

Welcome back to the block finale.

Now, Karen and Jim, we all got hit by the old runaway inflation and

crippling supply chains and the whole construction industry was basically

rooted. So with the market in the middle of the old free fall and the house

unfinished, that put you, Jim, in a bit of a...

sell one of your own kidneys on the black market type of situations, didn't

mate? Yep, that's right.

But after the block's first ever kidney sale, your team was back on track.

And the back alley surgery revealed a previously undiagnosed illness for you,

didn't it? Yeah.

Then experimental treatments were expensive.

Turnout based with eye -watering deaths up to $2 .5 million.

as well as now being the proud owners of three functioning kidneys.

The winners of this year's title of Block Champions are...

Karen and Jim.

Congratulations. We hope you enjoyed your time.

He doesn't look very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to have a water? Thank

you so much.

at the airport, where drinking a beer at 8am is acceptable for some reason.

It's Good Friday, but for one passenger, it's a Bad Friday.

No, he's clean.

Can't find anything on him.

Alright, so you're free to go. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Hang on.

Great Easter bonnet, champ.

Good on you, mate. Have a good Easter. Cheers.

Well, this is a little embarrassing, but I have...

No idea what this item is worth. I mean, where was the picture made? Who was the

artist? What was the year? Without any of these, it's impossible to put a

numerical value to the piece.

It's Leonardo da Vinci.

This is a very, very famous painter. Well, this Leonardo del Winky, of whom

speak, I mean, perhaps if he were dead, the price would appreciate, as sometimes

happens with art, but...

He is dead. He's long dead. He's extremely dead. Sorry, has this guy got

manager or something I can talk to? What I can say is this.

It is a very nice painting.

I mean, it's a little dark. She's not really smiling properly, but I would say

you could be confident of $20.

$20?

For the Mona friggin' Lisa?

Yes, and I can see that you're thrilled.

Okay, next.

Now, what's this over here?

Dogs playing poker.

Well, that could be worth millions of dollars.

When the medical system fails patients, the patients turn to Dr. Seuss.

Oh, Dr. Seuss. What are you doing at this hour? What are you doing with that

glower? I know I shouldn't be here. I just, I can't figure out what's wrong

him.

He has not woken and he has not stirred.

He is not a fish and he's not a bird.

No, he's not.

He is not an egg and he's not a tree.

He looks just like you and me. Yeah, Doctor, first listen. I know he's not an

egg or a tree, right? I'm just trying to do my job and figure out what's wrong

with him.

Tell me something, Dr. Josie.

Have you ever heard of the jumping grossie?

It's a kind of toxic bug.

You get it from a spotted glug.

Dr. Josie?

She's not here.

She's not there.

I cannot find her anywhere.

Chefs, you've shown us what you can do.

But tonight, one of you has to go home.

Could the time be up for you, Murray?

Or you, Buzzsaw?

Murray, duck was a risk.

But you knocked it out of the park, mate.

Well done.

Now, Buzzsaw.

Yeah, what?

What do you call this?

Great possum.

Okay.

We haven't been able to test it.

But just on presentation alone, it looks absolutely wonderful and very

moist. Great plaiting. Yeah, the possum was really the hero.

Murray.

I'm sorry, but your journey is over.

Well done, mate.

Gardening can be a great activity for the whole family. Just ask Graham here.

G'day, Costa.

Yeah, a year ago, my wife and I didn't know our roses from our rhododendrons.

Didn't we, Judy?

Not a green thumb between us, but we watch your show every week for a year

we have copied the lot.

Beautiful, beautiful family, beautiful kids, just sublime. The whole scene is a

knockout.

And they've even attracted some local birds.

Squawk boys!

Good evening, ladies.

This week, we had the chance to take Luke to your hometowns.

and introduce him to your nearest and dearest.

Ladies, there are five of you remaining on this journey.

Luke only has four.

So, what was that last bit?

He has four.

Did he say Luke's going to start a fire?

No, I think it's Luke's going to fly a kite. No, Luke doesn't go out at night

because his pants are too tight.

Stand by.

Who left the hospital whisperious?

Hey, everyone. Wolf Target here with my ungrateful son,

Banjo, with another survival video for you. But let's get stuck into Wolf Mail.

Wolf Mail.

I've got a...

Comment here from DrillOps83, who says, is it true that if you run out of water,

you can drink your own urine?

Yes, that is absolutely true. It's obviously not an ideal situation, but if

things are dire... Yeah, so I've got the fresh urine here.

Oh, and it doesn't taste good, to be honest. I'll be honest with you, it

bad. So I've bought some stuff that make it more palatable. I've got some sugar

syrup and some grenadine.

Lime juice and white rum. So, yeah, even some maraschino cherries. So, yeah,

we'll hopefully make this urine taste a bit better than what it does.

So there you have it, a Cosmopicitin.

How's it taste?

Oh, it tastes all right, actually.

Oh, my son's filming me too. He's getting involved.

I'm the proudest dad in the world. I'm on Bloody Cloud 9.

And on TikTok.

Oh, I've gone viral.

Please,

everyone, like and subscribe.

And no more downvotes, please. I'm begging you.

Woof. Target.

the Royal Prince Albert, visiting English doctor, Dr.

Doctor, is doing doctor -y things.

OK, patient is losing consciousness. We're going to need a doctor in room

Stad. Hang in there, OK?

All right, I'm here. Give me an update. Oh, sorry, who are you?

Dr. Joanne Doctor.

I'm a doctor -doctor on loan from the doctor hospital in London.

Right, well, the patient... I'm so sorry, it says here that the patient is

accountant. Yep. I can't help you.

Sorry, are you the doctor?

As I said before, a doctor doctor.

I'm Doctor Doctor, a doctor doctor, on loan from the Doctor Hospital in London.

My job is to look after the doctors, and if he's not a doctor, then I can't be

his doctor. I don't know how to be any clearer with you.

I'm a doctor.

Real doctor or a fake academic doctor?

That's what I thought.

Welcome to Daybreak and good morning to you wherever you are around Australia.

Tell you where I was this morning, fairly early doors, getting in a few

kilometres down at the lovely Bayside Park was just beautiful.

Great news. Dr Kumar will be in after the news with the latest medical tips.

Hopefully she can give me a hand with these pins because they're a little bit

stiff and sore. Okay. And to politics later on, we have the Shadow Treasurer.

joining us to discuss all things... Well, let me tell you, a run like that

easy for someone, anyone of my vintage, but I think you'll agree that it was all

for a very good cause.

Are you just going to keep doing this until I let you talk about your charity

marathon? I wasn't even going to mention it, but... Take it away. Off you go.

Here we go.

Stingy penis syndrome is no laughing matter, and that's why the organisers of

the Flesh Ribbon Foundation got in touch with me to be an ambassador for their

upcoming Maradong.

event. Stingy penis. Do you know a lot about that, Trent?

You know a bit about stingy penis syndrome?

Finish. You're okay telling everyone watching this morning that you have a

stingy penis.

You pay them. You do the crime. You do the time.

Holidays sure are fun.

But did you ever forget to get everyone back home gifts?

Why not get them from your holiday rental?

It's quick, easy, and best of all, free.

I'm going to take this from my mum.

She can put it up in her bathroom next to the toilet, like, welcome aboard.

She loves toilet humour.

A remote for my Uncle George, because look at him, a tech nerd.

Oh, my granny has always wanted a pet, so that'll be good for her. Oh.

One thing to remember, it's always nice to leave a little something for your

host to let them know you've enjoyed your time here.

Oh,

I've got to get this for my niece. She's annoying, but...

Hot deals!

Hot deals, man.

It's an absolute pleasure to be with you here today.

To describe what is truly a hot bargain, mate. Yeah, man, you've got to get in

quick because this one's going to be going out the door, brother.

It's not one, but it is two cool items in one, actually.

It is a full steering wheel with club lock.

This one we need to move super quick smart due to supply chain issues on our

side. But today it can be yours for a song of 20 bucks.

Yeah, also, totally unrelated.

We're also selling a 98 lime green Commodore with no steering wheel or

It looks sick and it runs all right, eh?

$100 for that one. Yeah, or we'll trade yous for any kind of snake.

Thank you.

While others relax, the lifeguards have to be ready to go at a moment's notice.

Bad situation developing, Nugget.

What is it, Chopper?

Oh, no, let's go, go, go!

Man, man, man, please!

Please don't shake sand! It's going to get in someone's eyes!

I see a bit of sand in my eyes.

Calm down! You're in shock!

Nugget, I need something... flush out his eyes. But there's nothing on hand. I

don't have any liquid.

Try that esky.

Okay,

there's a bottle of water or there's a can of lemon fizzy drink. There's no

to pick one, man.

What did you do?

Pour that lemon fizzy drink directly into his eyes. No, do not pour that

fizzy drink directly into my eyes.

Another cross is averted by the beach rescue team.

All right, Sam.

All right.

The Beatles get back again.

Good news, lads.

I've written a new song about an airplane in the sky.

Showcasing Ringo's role in the world's greatest band.

You're the underwater guy.

Every band needs an underwater guy.

Octopus's Garden, Yellow Submarine, underwater songs.

Ringo, I've got your contract. It says it here. You agreed to sing underwater

songs only.

Do I have to play with these bullets instead of drumsticks?

It's in your contract, Ringo. Let's go.

Okay. Fish one, fish two, fish three.

Get back again while there's still some coin to be made out of it.

G'day, Wolf Target here with another survival vid with my son Banjo.

Today we're just trying to start a fire.

Why don't you just use a lighter?

Well, I don't have a lighter.

Doing things the old -fashioned way.

Why don't you...

Why do you have that?

I don't know. Mum's boyfriend gave it to me.

You don't need to specify gender when you say friend. It's just mum's friend.

It doesn't matter that he's a guy. He's just a friend.

This tips.

Okay, so the best way to light a fire is to actually just use a lighter.

You get a lighter in there. It makes things a lot easier. You don't have to

stuff around with the grinding of the wood and everything.

Total fire ban day, idiot. That's your third warning.

Please, everyone, like and subscribe.

Wolf target.

You can't ask that. Where viewers ask provocative questions to Australians

underrepresented groups, but all the good ones have been done.

Gullible people.

You're here because you self -identify as...

Gullible people, yeah? Guilty as charged.

We are both gullible.

Here comes your first question.

Gullible people can't remember their internet banking passwords.

I find that a bit offensive. I remember my password fine.

It's a password.

Your password is?

Password. Well, here comes another question.

Oh,

no, no, no. This is serious. Can we stop? There's a Nigerian prince who

help. No, he says he needs my bank account details immediately.

Say hi to me. I hope he gets better soon.

No, I have forgotten my password, though.

Yeah, right. Try password.

People of Earth.

I am the supervillain, Dr.

Armageddon.

If you are watching this, then I am dead.

Either the establishment finally found my ideas too threatening and hired an

elite team of the Satans to take me out, or I slipped getting out of the bath

because my non -stick bath mat never arrived.

Thanks a lot, tourism.

Either way, I have one final demand for the people of Earth. From beyond the

grave, you are to go to my island fortress.

Inside my fortress is a little computer room.

Open my computer and find a folder labeled Just...

documents on the desktop.

Do not look inside the folder named just documents, people of earth. Simply

delete the folder and also throw out a box in my garage labeled fishing

magazines. They are merely magazines about fishing, but do not open the box.

Welcome to Millionaire Hot Seat. Let's meet the contestants competing for some

big bucks tonight.

Kathleen Donaldson has poor temperature regulation and thinks this icy cold

studio is boiling hot.

Wow.

Flames on it.

Kristen Rogers hates being called Kristen because her confusing name is

It's not that hard.

Also competing for a million bucks is Roberta Hitler.

No relation.

Kevin Dixon once ate two meat pies for a day and believes that's interesting.

And finally, this is Michael Jones. Apart from being a keen trivia buff,

Jones works as a spy for ASIO. So we probably should have pixelated his face

well. Good luck with your next assignment, Michael.

Hey, Wolf Target here with another survival vid. As I always say in the

wilderness, you need to survive with three things. Wit, grit and your

kit. So I've got my bag here. Let's itemise.

OK, Banjo, I told you to grab the bag from near the door.

That was the bag near the door.

I have got my wife's paint and sip bag here.

But, you know, that's actually better because a survivalist knows how to

improvise. So let's take a look at what we can use here to survive.

Paints.

We've got... Oh, here we go. Bottle of wine.

Antiseptic. Alcohol.

Another bottle of wine.

Spider bite.

Packet of... I don't

know why you should have these.

I know, because I've had a vasectomy.

Please, everyone, like and subscribe.

And no more downvotes, please.

Wolf target.

All

right.

We've been at it back and forth a couple of hours now. I've just got one

question left.

Looser says what?

Huh?

Looser says what?

I'm sorry.

What?

There you have it. We've got you, mate.

Dead set loser.

Now, hang on just a second. A loser says what? And you, mate, just said what?

No, man, I didn't mean to say what. Oh, you just said it again. Double loser.

She just said what?

How strange life is for you mortals.

Yesterday you were a humble schoolteacher, Jenny.

And today you're joining me in the struggle to save the Nine Realms.

Come. The Tesseract is the only way to rebuild the Bifrost.

Sorry, that sounds really good and everything, but you're just saying all

words like... But I don't understand. It's like the Tesseract and everything.

Tesseract. You're saying it like I'm meant to know it already, but I don't

the context.

Well, you've seen Thor 3, haven't you?

Yeah, I saw it, and it was really funny. It was great, yeah.

Did you save for the post -credits scene?

No, I just left after the movie like a normal person. I mean, there was no

signs. Was it important?

I don't know. Was it important?

Important? Yeah. Every scene is another piece of the puzzle.

How can you expect to enjoy yourself if you haven't done your homework?

Okay, that seems like unfailing. Have you even seen the Avengers?

I've seen two Avengers.

Do you even know who I am? Fabio.

No, but thank you.

We're best friends.

Hi, I'm Professor Blake Calla, and welcome to The Mysteries of Space.

Now, space is really, really big.

So big, in fact, it's bigger than some of the biggest animals, including

elephants and even a dog.

Here's a photo I took in my backyard.

And just look at all that space.

So where does it go during the day?

This has always puzzled me.

Hello, everyone.

Julie Phillips, where does space go during the day?

Very good question. Space actually doesn't go anywhere during the day. It's

actually just the light hitting the atmosphere which changes its colour to

Unfortunately, even Professor Phillips, one of our greatest scientific minds,

has no idea where space goes during the day. No, I answered the question. Some

mysteries, it seems, must at least for now remain mysteries.

I answered the question.

Join us after the break when I ask... You know I answered.

Why do I have to go to the bathroom?

This

season we

have recruited a new expert and he is as passionate about this experiment as we

are.

I have conducted a great many experiments.

And I believe that Sandara and James' relationship should be tested by

them within a pool of acid by which we may extract their fluids. I was more

thinking like a horse riding date.

If you are interested in the effects of equine exposure on relationships...

Might I suggest we inject their eyes with a serum harvested from a horse's

sacs? Dr Armageddon, I like your thinking, but our experiment is more

cheeseboards and massage oils and less horse serums and bile sacs.

What about a nice trip to the countryside?

Or get away in the mountains. It's cold. It's romantic. You need someone to

snuggle up with. That's great. That is exactly why I love this experiment.

And then we drug them and put them inside the large hadron collider at the

facility by which we may dissect their bodies on a subatomic level.

Gorgeous. Love it. Wonderful.

Team Dr. A.

Thank you.

The Beatles get back again, featuring more footage of Paul making it all about

him. Once again.

Now, has anyone written any new songs? I have.

Anyone? I've written dozens.

Well, if no one's written any new songs, I guess I'll keep working on my one.

Bear witness to what inspired his musical genius.

Afternoon, lads. Yoko and me have decided to start wearing the same

Literally.

What do you reckon?

That's brilliant. That's so inspiring. You've given me an idea for a song.

Oh, silly Mr.

Fumble had a giant pair of trousers. That's bloody brilliant, Paul. It's a

metaphor for the end of the Vietnam War. We've done it again.

Oh, silly Mr.

Fumble had a giant pair of trousers. A giant pair of trousers. Why are they so

big? Silly Mr.

Fumble had a giant pair of trousers. Well, there's one pair of trousers, but

there's two pairs of legs. Get back again.

The ultimate documentary on that band your dad liked.

Well, girls, I'm very excited to see the science project you've got for us

today. No, sir, we couldn't in good conscience do the presentation on the

we were given.

Why not?

It's just ants, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And turns out ants are super probo.

Really? I thought you would have loved ants. I mean, they're led by a queen,

know? It's like, um, yes, girl boy.

Okay, first of all, that's our word. You can't use it. And secondly, yeah, when

we first heard that they were led by a woman with a big butt who, like, sits

around all day getting looked after, we were like, slay. Slay. But then we found

out that ants live in a colony, which is like, mm, no thank you. And then also

we found out that, like, most of the female workers are unpaid, which is

just can't leave them.

Yeah. It's like maybe a flex, but it's not a mood. Mm -mm. Not a mood. It's not

even a vibe. Mm -mm. You feeling?

Did you at least identify the species of ant I gave you? Okay.

We forgot to feed them all and they died.

Rip that.

Rip that.

G'day, bargain hunters.

Bevan here.

Now, I have been having a field day at the auction house like a pig in the

The winner, though...

is this vintage wine.

Now, I'm pretty sure I can get a collector to pay at least double what I

and that is something to drink to.

Okay, cheers.

Have a good day, hunters, and I'll see you next time.

See ya.

And cut.

Okay.

Well, I'm going to go home now.

Are you guys going to the pub at all?

evening approaches, so Banjo and I are going to weave some of this spin effect

here into a comfortable two -man bed.

Yuck. There's nothing yuck about sharing a bed with your old man.

Yuck. I'm sleeping in the Nissan Cube.

What are you talking about, mate? There's no Nissan Cube here. We're out

wilderness.

Why are you wrecking this, Banjo? Like, do you want your 50 bucks or not?

Please, everyone, like and subscribe.

And no more downvotes, please. I'm begging you.

Oof, target.

Woo! Stop touching.

Hi, I'm Professor Blake Carlyle, and welcome to The Mysteries of Space.

One of the fundamental forces of the universe is magnetism. But how do

work? Some kind of glue?

Velcro?

Or is it a trick everyone's playing on me, like the time they told me that a

lives in the television?

Magnets only attract ferromagnetic material, like this.

Oh!

Interesting. Hmm?

It startled me.

Of course.

That was spooky.

It's okay, just breathe.

Of course, magnets don't work on any other metal.

Let's give it a try.

Simply won't work.

I've actually done it. Wow.

That's not how magnetism works. He's not done it.

That's just him stabbing the wire with his magnet. That's not how it works. The

magnet powers have essentially passed on to me, making me a big magneto from an

X -Man.

Join me later as I put on metal boots and fly off the building.

That actually sounds like a really good idea.