Original subtitles

Yeah, so we found these in Grandad's roll top. They've been in the family for

years, and we're not really sure, but I think that these might actually be

Captain Cook's last letters to his wife before he died.

Astonishing.

Now, if these are indeed the genuine article, we may be looking at the most

important find in colonial Australian history right here. Now, excuse me.

Didn't really have time for lunch, so you don't mind, do you?

These have been rumoured to be in existence for a long time.

But are they genuine?

Well, the paper is indeed 18th century stock.

So that checks out.

Here's the rub.

Cook was rumoured to use a different coloured ink to that of his official

dispatchers when communicating with his wife.

And as you can see here, differently.

I think we have the genuine article with us here today.

Wow, that's very exciting.

Oh, gloves.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

It's important to know how to stay under the drinking limit.

For men, it's two drinks in the first hour, unless you're really, really fat,

which case, basically have at it.

G'day, mate.

Hello. Do you know why I've pulled you over today?

Uh, no, actually.

Couldn't help but notice your stickers there, your stick figure family on the

back. It's just a bit of fun, you know. It's a bit of fun, yeah. What's the

point in it? I see it all the time. I'm like, what's that for? Just to signal to

everyone you've got a family.

I can.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Really, you know. Yeah, don't read it. Really.

Signalling.

It is good fun, isn't it?

It would not be good fun if you had some way of, like, signalling, I don't know,

that you're about to change lanes, mate.

Sorry, what do you mean?

Oh, hang on a sec. Oh, just, oh, sorry. Hang on a sec. I just.

Wow. Wow.

That's my Subaru.

Yeah. There was a way to change it, wasn't it? There was a way to go, oh,

changing lanes.

Could have signalled with this, couldn't you?

Stick it up your ass, mate.

I'm walking up to the judges and I'm really nervous and I'm hoping they're

to like my ice cream.

The pressure is really on for Julie.

She knows she has to get this ice cream perfect.

Even for us judges, this is the toughest part. The long, slow wait.

It really builds tension.

Boom, boom, boom.

My heart is just thumping with anticipation.

I hope my thumbs up helped her. It was a nerve -wracking walk to the judges.

Um, I think you already did me.

Presenting my vanilla raspberry ice cream with balsamic berry compote.

It's melted.

We did too many interviews this time, didn't we?

Seemed to do that a lot.

There really is no greater joy than making your own clothes.

Damien has been making his own shirts for years.

Many people think making clothes is too hard, but to make a poncho, all you have

to do is cut a hole in some material.

And if you can cut one hole, you can cut two holes, assuming you still have a

basic level of hand strength.

And that's all it takes to make today's project a reverse poncho.

Now, a poncho is great while I'm standing up.

Because the material falls down my body, keeping it warm.

But what about when I'm doing a handstand?

Now, if I put this on my head, it looks like I'm a big Scottish ghost.

Oh, no, you mustn't. You'll be cursed.

No.

But it doesn't go up there.

Those holes are for my legs. And if I slip my legs through them and do a

handstand, my body will remain toasty warm.

So there you have it.

The reverse poncho, or the upside -down person's moo -moo. It's not perfect, but

it's the best thing that we've got until someone invents an item of clothing

that covers you no matter what your orientation.

Oh, sorry.

So I've officially lost track of which one is which. And I thought if I could

hand out presents, then I'd be able to tell who's who.

I have a present for Ken... Kendall?

I don't know how to pronounce that. It's Kendall.

Oh, I can't. Kendall. Yeah, like, hey?

Um, I have a special gift for Chloe.

My face.

I'm not even sure if they know anymore.

I thought I was Chloe.

Oh. You could be Chloe.

Merry Christmas, sweetie.

Thank you.

Who's Rob?

Rob. Rob.

Rob.

Rob.

Rob. Rob.

Rob.

Robert Kardashian, our dad.

Yeah, he's dead. He died.

Yeah, he's dead.

Oh my gosh, you guys.

I was like so sad. A long time ago. I was at my sweet 16th. Oh, okay.

Merry Christmas.

What's my biggest advantage?

Well, I found a way to dominate the social game.

See, I've got a particular set of skills that draw people to me, make them like

me, but also put them off guard.

Hang on.

What's this?

Found this behind your ear.

Yes, I am a magician, and, uh, you know, when Michael the Mysterious is around,

things aren't always as they seem.

And the first person...

To be voted out unanimously is Michael.

Oh.

It's time to leave.

Mistake per chance?

No. Even I voted for you. That's how much you suck.

Why don't you have a look at that piece of papyrus again, my friend?

No. No.

Where did it go?

Nobody likes you. I don't like you. The crew all hate you.

I beg to differ.

She's hot.

Oh, God.

Back

at

Triple Zero HQ, Operator Graham is in the middle of a tense call.

Okay, please.

Listen to me, all right? We're going to get through this together. The important

thing is that you do not panic.

Don't panic.

Now, are they still in the house?

Okay. All right. We've established that your keys are still somewhere in the

house. Have you checked your handbag, Mum?

All right, see you, Mum. Hey, I'll see you on Sunday. Yeah, for John's thing.

Okay, love you.

Sorry to keep you holding.

So can you describe the crocodile that is currently eating you?

Hello?

And what is it that you have brought with you today?

Okay, so this is summer greens with pickled grapes and radish, micro shiso

lemon myrtle emulsion. Ah, well, this is interesting.

It's not something that we see often here on the program. And that is because

here are from the Antiques Roadshow. Whereas I believe you have mistaken us

MasterChef. Yes, yes.

I don't smoke while we're here, if you want to... No, no interest whatsoever on

that. Unless, of course, the plate itself could be an antique, in which

could be... You can see now it isn't just a plate.

Oh, well, good luck on the rest of your MasterChef journey.

Thank you.

Next. Brickman, I've completed the pirate ship challenge. No!

Walk away.

It's... another stressful day at the Royal Prince Albert Hospital,

with all the camera crews blocking the corridor.

And Dr Mum, the mum doctor, is fed up with this nonsense.

Okay, simmer down, Took. What's the problem here? It's all time, is it?

Have you had enough to eat?

Look at you, skinny as a rake. My goodness.

Nurse, can you please prepare 2 ,000 cc's of beef stroganoff? Thank you.

What? Pardon,

isn't it, darling?

Oh, thanks so much.

Always beeping and booping your generation.

The patient is unconscious, Dr Mum.

Oh, throw up.

For goodness sake.

Welcome back to Small Death, big boys.

We were just having a bit of a bark there.

Sorry, I'm just... I'm getting word from my producers there's some breaking

news. They want me to... Read out some breaking news. Sorry, I've got my

out here.

Apparently, NASA has just confirmed that an asteroid is going to hit the Earth

in the next hour. Jeez.

What in the world? Apparently,

the entire planet's going to be destroyed.

Tra -la -la -la -la -la -la.

Daddy's sweetie boy is here.

Hold off, Grogan. We're not going to do the sweetie boy bit. Apparently, the

whole planet's going to be destroyed.

What do you mean? Well, I mean that it's over. Our entire existence, everything

we've ever loved and achieved, it's gone.

That's a bugger.

Righto, we've got to crack on with the show anyway. So, like, obviously this is

a bit of bad news, but, you know, before we pop off, let's flip around and see

some final thoughts. Budsy, what do you reckon?

Um, uh... Good innings.

Well played.

Yeah, right, right, I suppose. Yeah, school doesn't reflect... Again.

I just want to say, I love you all.

In the words of Maya Angelou, family isn't always blood, and I don't want to

face this with fear in my heart, but true and pure love.

Fogo's gold, sir!

Let's hit it with Pog! Yeah!

Come on, get in!

Oh, stick around.

We've got a bit of time before the world ends. After the break, we're going to

have John Chubby Stevens and a couple of pink Greeks. Come on! Come on, get it!

I'm over bad boys.

They just don't interest me anymore. I just want someone sweet.

You know, I just want a sweet guy.

Just a sweetheart, that's all.

Daddy's little sweetie boy's here with a sweetie for my sweetie.

Oh, well, more yummy lolly for Daddy's little sweetie boy.

Yummy, yummy.

I should go, shouldn't I?

Well,

it's

the end of week one.

And I'm imagining there's some few tired limbs here on the block.

And obviously the first week kick -starts a 26 -week marathon of gruelling

yakka. Now, this season of the block...

We welcome our first ever Amish couple.

Now, how was your first week on the block, folks?

Brother Scotty, we are done.

Done unwrapping your tools? I mean, we've just got started on the bathroom

reveal week.

Dear overpaid tradesperson, our suburban barn is complete.

Complete? You're better off leaving the jokes to me there, young lady. The lady

spaketh not lies, Brother Scotty.

Whilst the others did squabble and rant and do their master interviews, my fair

lady and I did toil in the glory of the Lord.

So when they started a week ago?

Regrettably, it took longer than we expected.

And how were you able to use some of the sponsor's products?

We used not but the hands the Lord gifted us.

So you weren't able to use the Mitre 10 vouchers?

No, no.

No, we didn't. Well, I'm awfully sorry, but that does mean you're eliminated.

You, Scott Cam.

Oh, yourself, Scotty Cam.

Scott Cam, you and your tiny little hole eyes.

We'll be back after the break.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Oi, do we have like a fantastic deal for these guys or what, Jase? This is like,

I should never be telling them about it. It's such a good deal.

Yeah, man. It's like full surround sound system, brother. It's even got most of

its cords. This represents the pinnacle of technology today.

These sounds coming out of this system will electrify your ears and also your

heart. Yeah, it's got most of its cords.

60 bucks. 60 bucks, man. It was just like a missed delivery because...

My cousin, he found out about it because he worked fitting out to fit out to the

shopping center and they found it.

Yeah, it's like his cousin's like a full electrics guy and it's like absolutely

just no one showed up for the delivery. So it's like, it's full above board,

man. Just 60 bucks.

Just kiss it. Give us it. Give us it. Give us it. Kiss it. Kiss it.

Give us it. Kiss it. Give us it.

60 bucks.

60.

It is not complicated, Hightower. If those in House Crane continue to wish to

fight in the marshes, then they are going to have to attack through dawn.

that is going to anger the, um... The, uh... Nerd!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

It's a nerd.

I thought they were legend.

My newest advisor has knowledge both great and terrible.

They have read all of the books, including all of the spin -off ones that

has heard of. Too close. Impossible. No mortal has such a thirst for fantasy.

Well, let me think about that. Nerd, we were just speaking of Dawn.

Now tell us, who do they pledge allegiance to?

Believe Lord of Dawn, a house Martel, and their sigil words are unbent,

and unbroken. So they owe their allegiance to nobody in Westeros. Thank

much, nerd. That's terrific.

He knows trivia.

Nothing of the politics of the realm.

I don't hide our plans to dethrone Rhaenyra Targaryen in favor of your son.

too close again, thank you, but that's useful information.

Mere rumors, I assure you, my lord.

Actually, the evidence on Reddit is pretty irrepeatable, Your Majesty.

Sire, I tire of this nerd.

He smells weird.

Like a phantom.

Well, at least I'm not going to get eaten by a dragon next week.

Oh!

Spoiler! Spoiler! Did you just say that out loud? It's a spoiler alert!

Not cool!

Just get out of here!

No, no, no, no, no! Back to the shadows with you nerds! No!

What up, dog?

Oh.

Hi,

I'm Sophie. It's my first day.

Oh, my God.

What are you wearing?

The school uniform.

A what? I don't know this one.

I think school uniforms are pretty standard in Australian schools.

Where was your last school?

Prison?

Hey, rack off and leave her alone.

Yeah, don't worry, babe. We've got your back. Just go to the vintage clothes

office. The vintage clothes office?

It's where we get all our threads.

You just walk down the hall past the sickbay.

Past the fully sickbay.

Keep going, then you hit the riddle and vending machine.

And then just left at the school astrologist's office.

And keep going until you reach the stairs near the vape station.

And then at the top of the stairs, you'll find the personal brand advisor.

Okay, maybe I should just, um, maybe I should just find the school office?

I have no idea what that is.

When the RBT cops find liquor in a car, they confiscate it and have a cheeky

after -work drink on the median strip.

But first, they've got breathalysing to do.

May I ask where you've been tonight, sir?

Oh, yeah, just out at a restaurant.

Just have one glass of wine. Great, no worries. I'll just get you to breathe in

that one. Yep, not a problem.

That's great, thanks.

Everything all right, I think?

Yeah, mate. Do you have a bit of garlic for dinner?

Yeah, the restaurant was Italian, so... Yeah. All right. Yep.

We're going to need some mint.

All right.

You won't respond to threats. How about food? What do you want to eat?

I want my lawyer.

I'm not going to let you eat a lawyer.

You're in enough trouble as it is. I'm not going to eat a lawyer. I want my

lawyer present.

All right, here's your lawyer present.

It's a new wig. She'll love it. Give me my call.

What was that?

Warbling wood thrush. Oh, I thought that sounded like... Pterodactyl.

Yeah, I'm going to confuse it.

All right, I confess.

Oldest trick in the book. Good cop, pterodactyl cop.

Well, a very controversial poem there.

Sincere apologies to any dog owners who were offended, especially by that last

verse. Yeah.

Now let's go to a press conference now where halfback Paddy Jones is addressing

the recent allegations against him.

I would like to own up to the fact that it was me who was caught in the

accessible toilet with three models.

I will admit that.

Afterwards, I relieved myself on a patron.

and declared myself to be the fountain of youth. And I would like to say that

behalf of me and the club and the sport, I would just like to say that it was

the best weekend I have ever had.

Like, seriously.

My bucket list stuff popped here. It was actually sick.

People of...

I am the supervillain, Dr.

Armageddon.

My demands are simple.

We need to fix the password situation.

Every time you try to log on for something, you type in your password,

it doesn't work, and you go, oh, I... Maybe I have to put one at the end of

And then you try that. You're trying different combinations with capital

and characters.

And then you're like, fine. I have to just reset the password, I guess. I'm

constantly resetting passwords.

That's all I do all day long. And you reset the password. But then you write

like, sexydoctor007 for the new password.

And then it goes, that's already a password. And it's like, but I already

sexydoctor007. And it didn't work.

Also, don't.

Write down that my password is sexydoctor007.

That's not it. Anyway, that's just an example.

Tonight

on

60 Seconds, the doctor who's Australia's newest Nobel Prize winner.

How did you get into medicine?

Ah, well, actually, it's quite a long story. Well, we don't have time for

Give us key words.

Child. Fishing accident.

Father.

Dad. Just say dad.

Dad.

Well, don't say it again.

Can I ask you one last question?

Of course. That was it.

Don't take my hand, just wave.

At RPA, Dr Mum, the mum doctor, doesn't want to interfere.

But she just can't help herself.

Hello, possum. Sorry I'm late. It's a bloody madhouse out here today.

Looks like the patient may be single.

How is that?

Hey, which doesn't make any sense because she's so pretty and so lovely.

her mum.

But my fainting has gotten worse and the migraines have just gotten really

unbearable. All right, what I'm going to do is I'm going to refer you to my

friend Liz.

Okay, now Liz, she's got a nephew. He is gorgeous. He's single. He's a lawyer.

So I'll send you along to him. Okay, now, Nerf, can you make sure she does

follow up with me? Let me know how that goes. You just keep me updated. And what

a text I'll do, bloody kill ya.

Okay, pet, I'm off to make a pun.

Um, but is it still incurable?

Yeah.

Tonight.

Underbelly Delivery Wars concludes the most exciting installment of television

you've ever seen.

Like, ever.

As the find -a -feed crew take action against one of their own.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't two -timing Tommy gracing us with his presence.

See you in your true colours, too.

At least it isn't pink.

It's not.

Pink, you idiot. It's Usher. Battle lines are drawn.

Say hello to my little Freon.

And it's a fight to the finish.

The overhyped conclusion to television's tastiest drama.

Underbelly Delivery Wars.

You can't ask that.

where viewers ask provocative questions to Australians from underrepresented

groups, but all the good ones have been done.

Bad Impressionists.

Wipe it from your mind.

We can do it, we can do it, we can do it. Are you happy to answer questions

us now?

You're excited?

Yep.

You can't handle the troll.

I don't have one.

She's having.

But him.

I feel the same.

Jack Nicholson. Don't. Never let go, Jack.

Yeah. I just was rolling off that. Never let go, Jack. Do you do any other Jack

Nicholson's? Daddy's Angry from The Shining.

Yes. Daddy's Angry from The Shining.

All work and Daddy's Angry. I want you to draw me like one of your French

That's a great Jack. That's Jack Nicholson from Titanic. I don't think

He won an Academy Award. He won an Academy Award.

This is old Prime Minister's home for four -year -olds.

OK, teams, let's see how you're going with your paddle pop dick. The

Tower. Kevin, Julia?

I was constructing a robust tower and Julia smashed it.

What I did, I did reluctantly and for the good of the team.

Okay. Let's see how Henrietta and Scott are going.

Well, Henrietta and I really gave it a go and I think you'll be impressed.

I actually did everything.

Well, I just don't accept that.

You didn't even open your pocket. I'm not interested in that.

Malcolm, Tony, I see that you also haven't built anything.

Well, Tony ate them.

Tony, you're not supposed to eat the marshmallows. No.

He ate the paddle pop sticks.

Tony. Tony. I,

of course, know us human beings can't eat wood. I'm a normal man.

Fortunately, I was able to purchase this glorious construction at a very

reasonable consideration. But you can't spend money on completing this task.

Can't spend money? I'm sorry, I can't understand what you're saying.

What I'm saying is that you can... Tony!

Tony, for heaven's sake.

What? Not in front of the kids, Tony. Not in front of the children, Tony.

While others relax, the lifeguards have to be ready to go at a moment's notice.

Don't worry, man. We'll get it back for you. Here, stay calm.

Okay. Let's go, go, go!

Is that one?

Is it? Oh, no. Is that? Sorry.

Oh, it's a white.

Okay, it's a white. It's one of the white birds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. The white bird. One of the white birds.

Which one is it?

In the sky.

The one with the sky.

We're at the airport where I once saw Lisa McHugh.

And our border force agents are questioning a returning traveller.

Did you pack this bag yourself?

Yep.

Because you have absolutely nailed it.

Truly, the roll of the socks, I enjoy it. So neat. It's really great work, and

we see a lot of bags here. We see a lot of bags here.

Oh, my God. I've been practising this for a very long time, so it really makes

lot of sense.

Thank you so much. Hey, you're going to Sydney.

Yeah. Oh, well done. Legitimately, you're going to Sydney. Yeah.

Love that. Clap them off. I say.

Just love that.

OK,

guys.

This monster has been dominating our lives for too long. So we go over the

one more time.

I am going to ride my bike out to the portal and then lure him into my mom's

place. Yeah, and then I'll blind it with my He -Man flashlight.

Then I'll send it back to the Upside Down once and for all. Guys, can we just

use the power of friendship first this time?

What? We always do this. We have this crazy plan to defeat this all -powerful

monster using recognizable merchandise from the 80s. It looks like we're going

to win, and then the monster starts to win, and then we win using nothing but

the power of friendship.

So why don't we start with the power of friendship first this time?

You guys are my best friends, and I know that if we were together...

We can overcome anything.

Yeah. The one thing that scares me more than this monster is losing you as a

friend. All this friendship is powering me up!

First week of rehearsal and Kiki is in the dance studio with her mother and

dance partner Darren is facing some obstacles for this week's routine.

Yes, girl, yes.

And now bring some hip -hop into it. Kaka!

Kaka! Amber Rose,

this is your final warning. What are you doing here? This room is for

contestants only. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Well, yes, I know

Darren, but this week on Dancing With The Stars...

What style is that?

Everything. It's like all the dance styles together.

Ladies, you know how this show goes. Every week, it's one dance style.

Yes, I know. Maybe for regular contestants, but Kiki can do all the

Viennese waltz.

Tick -tock.

Hip -hop.

Irish dancing.

Irish dancing. Look, make eye contact with her while she Irish dances, please.

Look at that. She's a 20 -throttle threat.

It's like a triple threat, but 23 threads.

She's not 23 threads. She can do 22 styles of dance.

Your Majesty, if you'll just sit still. Oh, fine.

What's this?

It's the first design for the new coin featuring your royal likeness, sir. Ah,

picture of me.

I love it.

But may I query, what's this big round thing that it's on?

That's a coin, sir.

Yes, yes, exactly.

What is a coin?

It's money, sir. Currency. No, no.

Currency is a gold bar or a small velvet bag with conflict diamonds.

I don't think I've ever heard of these.

Coin. Well, sir, when ordinary people want to buy something at the shop, say,

they pay for those things with coins.

For example, this five -pence piece.

Ah.

So the commoners think these trinkets have special powers to buy things.

Oh, well, the little folk have their superstitions. I'll leave them to it.

Excellent, sir. Now we'll move on to stamps.

Hold on, I'm keeping this. If they think that's worth five pence, then this must

be worth a fortune.

Weekends away with friends are a great way to blow off steam, but a lot of

homestay rentals demand that you leave the place looking clean, like just as

you've found it.

I have a hack for getting your deposit back without having to lift a finger.

Just wake up before all your hungover friends.

Bye, guys.

Love you.

At 000 HQ, operator Graham is once again mounting the phones.

Hello? I need the fire department. My house is on fire. Your house is on fire?

That's right.

The address is... The house where you live is on fire?

How the hell did that happen?

I don't know how it started. Oh, jeez.

Oh, man, that's insane.

Oh, my house is on fire. Oh, boy.

You know, because that's where all my stuff is, you know, my bed and my TV

I just bought and my fruit.

Yeah, so can you send a fire engine to... I can't stop thinking about

not my house is on fire. It's really stuck me up. No, listen... Sorry, can I

just... I'm just going to call my neighbour real quick. Can you just hold

sec? Wait! Just one sec. Hang on.

Hey, Maureen, how you going? It's Graham.

Yeah, good, good. Hey, listen, this is going to sound crazy, but can you check

if my house is on fire?

Apparently that can happen.

OK. Oh, awesome. That's good. Thanks so much. All right.

Hello, you still there?

Yeah, good news. My house is not on fire.

How's yours going?

It's burned to the ground.

Don't worry about a fire truck.

Oh, cool. All right. Problem solved.

See ya.

This is Mordor on the Border.

Well, now that we have closed the case of a sauna killer, it is time for some

pleasant and exciting news.

Our numbers in the Swedish National Lottery have finally come up.

Our syndicate has won the first division prize of 934 million kronor. We are now

all rich beyond wild dreams.

At last I can afford the fjord. I am so happy.

For me, it will be having a different cardigan for every day of the year.

Hooray. Wait.

I have played a practical yoke on you all.

Our numbers did not come up. We are not rich.

It was an amusing yoke, Detective Salvaldo. I thank you for it.

Ah, I am laughing very much.

Well,

I am very upset and I want to kill you all.

Some people don't have sense of humor.

Big catch Barry here.

Now I'm a skilled fisherman.

Probably the most skilled in my local government area.

Sometimes skill isn't enough.

Sometimes you need a bit of luck.

And this rod right here has given me a lot of luck.

It was passed down to me by my late grandfather.

And every time I use it, I think of him.

The great angler who taught me everything I know.

Oh, actually, I've got a photo of him.

Him right here, handsome devil.

This

is

old Prime Minister's home for four -year -olds.

Malcolm Turnbull is teaching children to pronounce words the way he does.

Okay, O is for ocean, as in if we don't stop climate change, the

ocean will swallow up my mansion.

That's where I used to live, a big pink house on the harbour. Can you say ocean?

Ocean. Very, very good.

And Kevin is teaching them words they've never heard before.

As soon as I heard, was the part really on the thick?

He needs a transplant, but there is a parts shortage.

Supply chain issues.

So cold.

So cold.