Original subtitles

We're at the airport where people walk around with pillows on their necks and

all just act like it's not completely insane.

This morning, our border force agents are questioning a returning traveler.

That appears to be some sort of bag.

Go on, open it up.

So did you pack the suitcase yourself?

Yep.

What do you call that?

That's a present for my girlfriend.

Okay, how long have you been together and how long have you been away?

We've been together for two years and I've been away for a month.

I'm sorry, am I in trouble?

No, not from us, mate.

Maybe from your girlfriend.

One month away, the best you can do is an airport teddy bear.

How do you know it's from the airport?

It says I love Sydney Airport on it, mate.

Sir, would you be happy with an airport teddy bear if she'd been away for a

month and where have you travelled from? Venice. Oh!

Here we go. Here we go.

Woody, we interrupt this broadcast.

It's Tuesday in Cooker's Flange, and Officer Kelly has stopped a motorist for

quick chat.

Excuse me, Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?

Um, no, I'm really sorry. Yeah, about two blocks from here, you were trying to

pull into a main road, is that correct?

Uh, yes, but I... Now, someone let you in, didn't they? Yes, yep.

Yeah, that someone was me.

Yeah.

So, um... You didn't... You didn't do the

wave.

I'm sorry? The wave.

You know?

The little waves that you do when people let you in.

It's not really a wave. It's more just a, whoop, thank you. You know, just a,

yep. Or if you're country, it's more, yep.

You know? That little. It's all we kind of ask for, you know?

And it costs you nothing.

Yeah. Okay? It costs you zip.

Yeah. Zilch.

Yeah. So, yeah.

Yeah.

No, don't do it now.

Well,

it's bedroom week.

How did you go, Warren from the nerd team?

Bought a Blu -ray box set of Hunter X Hunter.

I got this pretty sweet broadsword that I use for laughing.

And I also bought this gaming rig.

Ah, there she is.

Hi, Starfire.

No, nothing.

How long has she been gaming, mate?

72 hours. She's playing Elden Ring and hunting AFK farmers.

Right.

Well, in all our years of judging here on the block, The judges and I have

seen a single mattress on the floor adorned with a Star Wars sheet.

Um, it's actually Deep Space Nine, Star Trek, and it's a King Singleton.

Well, whatever way you cut it, you're the experts.

But suffice to say, you've won this week's challenge.

Thanking you, gentle sir.

And your prize for winning this week's challenge...

is a romantic off -the -grid log cabin weekend with no internet.

No! No!

Easy now, Starfire.

I have made a char -grilled filet mignon with a smoked coffee rub, crisp Kipfla

potatoes and a steamed rainbow chard, all finished off with a smattering of

crushed almonds for that all -important crunch factor.

Voila.

All I see is an empty plate. Yes, that's because I reduced the food to a

molecular level.

Huh? It's nano cuisine.

Nano cuisine.

You've never heard of nano cuisine?

Um, no, of course I've heard of nano cuisine. Yeah,

I adore nano cuisine.

Let's tuck in.

Oh, it's hot.

Janelle, that is simply divine. The bonding of the filet mignon with the

molecules really makes the dish. I've never had rainbow chard reduced to a

subatomic level quite so expertly.

You got a little something on your... Oh, excuse me.

It's great nano cuisine.

Bravo.

Thank you so much.

I've stuffed up my dish.

Last week on the show, I put a question to all my viewers.

What is the best smell in the world?

And let me tell you, the response has been overwhelming.

And after we weeded out all the perverts, the winning smell was clear.

That's right.

Roast chicken.

Well, today we're going to show you how to make that delicious chickeny aroma

last all week by making a roast chicken candle.

And to help me, please welcome our stagehand, Damien. Damien, come.

Drop. Now I'm going to hold this chicken upside down, like this.

I'm going to pop in a little wick, and then you're going to pour all of that

wax into its big bum.

Your what? Into its big bum, Damien. Don't be squeamish.

There we go.

Good work, Damien. We will make a crafter of you yet.

Once it sets, the divine smell of your candle and the poultry will delight your

senses all day long.

Doesn't that smell delicious?

I'm Jim Billy. Liam.

You ready to get married?

Why don't you ask your husband to be?

Papa, papa, baby!

Whoa! Is it me, or did I just get a little bit more wooden?

Matchy, matchy!

So, so am I marrying the puppet?

Me, toots!

Whoa, are those things real?

Naughty Nelson, behave.

And Liam is... Taken. And gay.

It's now time to exchange vows.

I don't want to marry a puppet.

It's either Naughty Nelson or back to Tinder.

Naughty Nelson, I promise.

to love you for the rest of my life.

Why didn't you stop me?

I regret nothing.

You

can't

ask that.

where viewers ask provocative questions to Australians from underrepresented

groups, but all the good ones have been done.

Therapist.

Do you enjoy being a therapist?

Now see, I'm more interested in why you asked that question.

Let's start with your father.

Wonderful. Absolutely.

My, my, my, my, my.

He's a ten.

Yeah.

Oh, he is thinking of starting a podcast.

He's an eight.

And he calls dinner nom -noms. He's a six.

His sheets are black.

Oh, we've got four.

What else have you got? He calls his father papa.

Oh, God.

Yeah, and he brings Bluetooth speakers with him. He's a zero. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. You've got to check.

I will. Bye.

Coming soon, the shocking true story of Australia's most notorious bikey gang,

Underbelly Delivery Wars.

Betrayal amongst the find -a -feed delivery crew as they discover a

Andy, Jake, what are you guys doing here?

We found this in your apartment.

I've never seen this cube in my life, man.

You've been doing grub run runs on the side.

Hey, grub.

What's that?

Bred my heart, Tommy. Why do you betray the Finder Feed family, mate? Grub run

contracts to all the pokeballs in the city.

No, the friends were... One star rating.

Tommy Day, the number.

Stop crying.

Why'd you do it, Tommy, huh?

Don't we pay you enough?

No. Absolutely not. Are you crazy?

No.

Underbelly Delivery Wars.

Coming soon.

Just taking forever to get here.

I don't know. I just feel really sad.

Oh, no.

Coco. You should use one of my Kim Kardashian crybaby with a K face

honey.

No, it's okay.

Oh, hey, Court.

Coco's sad.

Isn't that so sad?

Oh, thank you. It's for my new vegan pickle leather line.

Oh, I know you said someone's sad, but I heard I like your bag.

It's really insensitive.

Okay, well, if your skin is sensitive, then you can try my new pickle juice

mist. It's made from 100 % sweet potato.

Why aren't there any pickles in it?

What? Like, if it's 100 % sweet potato? Yeah, it's 100 % sweet potato pickle

face mist.

So why don't you put a pickle in it?

What? It sounds amazing.

Thank you.

It's going to go great with my plant -based finger puppet ring.

Love. I get 10 % of all that.

Anyway, why are you so sad, sweetie?

Today was supposed to be about my brand.

Oh, hey.

When you say your brand.

My brand, trauma.

Sick. I'm so sorry. I'll get that.

It's a sick song.

Of course.

You're welcome.

That is disgusting. I smell like a potato.

Thank you.

Tonight, celebrities are pushed to their physical and psychological limits by a

very shouty Englishman. This is SAS Australia.

You are making it, sir.

To any of you. I've what it takes.

To be a big S .A .S.? Yes, sir!

Then prove it.

Take a fizzy drink.

Now, open it up and drink it.

Four!

Why are there so many bubbles?

You shook this up, didn't you? Welcome to the University of Life!

when you're behind enemy lines and you've got nothing but fizzy, bony drink

and only two seconds to drink it?

When would that even happen?

Shut it!

I did it!

Drunk drivers may think that they can dodge the RVTs, But the cops know all

back roads too.

They pretty much never patrol them, but they're aware that they exist.

Evening, sir.

Hi there.

Have you had anything to drink tonight?

Yeah, just a couple of scoons down at the pub.

Down at the pub, were you?

Yeah. Oh, a couple of friends or...? Yeah.

Yeah, right.

Must have been nice.

Yeah. Yeah, guess my phone's broken. Must be.

Oh, no.

No, because, yeah, there it is. It's on, ready to receive calls or, you know,

invitations to WhatsApp breaks or whatever.

That's so weird.

I guess you just didn't invite me.

It's fine.

I'm fine. I'm all right.

I don't know you.

It's a fun, like, thing that we do.

Yeah, well, it was just a spur -of -the -moment thing. I mean, next time, if you

felt like it, you can come. Was Miss there or no?

I just want to know.

Yeah, yeah, there was a Miss there, but... You know what they say.

Always the breathalyzer, never the breathalyzed.

Here at Notflix, we've already given a stand -up special to every comedian we

could think of. Which is why now we've given one to...

That guy at work who thinks he's funny.

Is this thing on? Let it call IT.

Better call those guys, those nerds.

It's repetitive.

Second cup of the day. Watch out, I'll be blasting off.

Passive aggressive.

We just want you to have a good time, but make sure that you log when you go

the bathroom.

And a little bit sad.

Yeah. My wife has left me.

called That Guy at Work Who Thinks He's Funny, a chilling reminder that you

spend more time with that guy than people in your family.

Bloody happy hump day!

Good on ya.

That Guy at Work Who Thinks He's Funny.

TGIF. Coming soon to Notflit. Good on ya.

Thank you, Julie.

I really love the way you've showcased the scallops. They've really become the

hero of the dish. Well, the scallops are definitely the hero, but for me it's

like the ensemble cast that really stand out, and I'm talking about the

parsnips. Well, what are the villains, you know? That celeriac cream really

sneaks up from behind. That's the hero right in the back, like you say.

Villain, but I think it's a little bit misunderstood. I think it's like a anti

-hero. The celeriac cream is like the metaphor of the dish. You know, it's a

metaphor for you. It's a metaphor for me.

It's a metaphor for society.

That's brilliant.

It's masterful storytelling.

And the apple is like the love interest of the dish.

I don't know what you mean.

I'd say the apple is more just the sort of second call to action after the hero

has rejected the first call.

And then his...

sort of metal has been tested, do you know what I mean? Well, like an allegory

to the Garden of Eden with the apple and, like, women falling from grace.

story structure, you know, more about there's a guardian that has to help the

protagonist, which I think is the tide.

Yeah, it's like In Sex and the City, how New York City is itself a character.

It's exactly like that.

Thank you.

Definitely more of a Samantha.

Yeah, I've always said that about you.

Yeah. I've always said that about you.

Sorry, am I in the next round?

Hey, kids.

I was just wondering if you could do me a favor and maybe, like, stay home with

your parents instead of riding around unsupervised all the time. What?

No. It's the 80s.

It's a simpler time.

Yeah, okay.

But kids are literally disappearing.

Constantly. Independence is a really essential part of growing up, of

That's true, but so is not being torn apart by a literal monster.

If we can't make mistakes, we can't learn.

Yeah, but it's also hard to learn when your head is separated from your body.

Just stay home with your parents. Our parents who spend all day chain smoking?

Second -hand smoke kills.

Yeah, but so does first -hand monster attacks. And attacks from the second,

third, and fourth hands. Let's just be kids, Hopper. Okay, it's just the mind

-playing demons literally melting kids into a giant flesh monster.

I'm yours, geek.

It's hard to see how I'm the bad guy here.

God, I'm up to my elbows in dead kids.

And here's a new date for your calendars, the 12th -teenth of Jan

Good one.

And now we're crossing live to a press conference with team captain Dave

Donoghue.

Thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, I'm bound to do some grubby things

this season, so I've decided to provide this sort of all -purpose apology, which

you can just edit up as needed. Thank you.

I reflected on my actions at the nightclub slash taxi stand slash penguin

enclosure. I deeply regret my words slash actions slash 12 -year affair with

fans slash teammates slash archbishop and or pope.

I can only say in my defence that I was under the weather slash under a lot of

pressure slash under the influence of enough drugs to kill a horse, which I

apologise for.

In response to this, I will be attending counselling slash rehab slash the war

crimes tribunal.

I will also be making a donation to insert charity here.

I would like to thank those who have stood by me during this time,

my wife slash side chick slash side side chick.

Thank you slash I regret nothing slash you'll never take me alive.

gardeners. Now, usually, I would tell you what you can do to get a beautiful

garden like this one. But it's also important sometimes to tell you what not

do. For example, I would never recommend stomping on these beautiful marigolds.

I would never say, oh, stomp on these nests. What the hell are you doing?

stop. Oh, cop that, Ian. Cop that. That'll teach you, mate. That'll teach

borrow my lawnmower without returning it.

Perhaps you'd like to come up and try and solve this problem on the board,

please. I'm actually sick of your generation leaving problems for us kids

solve. Yeah, it's climate change all over again. Climate change AF.

Beth, what does it say about our priorities that a math equation is more

to be on the board than a female CEO?

OK, look, if you kids want your grades to be above a C level in the future...

the future, I want my house to be above C level. How about that? Yeah, this is

what Greta Thunberg is talking about.

So I take it you didn't do your readings then? It is not our job to educate you

about whether he did or did not do the reading or whether or not we were maybe

at home watching the 1997 film Cruel Intentions, okay?

But yeah, no, we didn't. We didn't. We didn't do it.

Question.

Have you ever seen a dog fully close its eyes?

I don't know what to tell you, Miss Mabel. I told that police fella

know. Well, I'd like to go over it again if that's all right with you.

So, you were having your tea.

No, I was having my dinner. Yeah, sorry.

Tea is what we in England call what you in America call dinner.

Right.

Okay, so I was having dinner. Of course. Dinner is what we here call lunch.

And, uh... Wait, what?

Dinner is lunch and...

Tea is dinner?

Sometimes it's meat.

Tea is meat?

No, not unless, of course, you mean bovril, which is kind of a meat tea.

This country makes me sick.

Please do continue.

So, you've just finished your tea. Did you have pudding?

Did I have pudding for tea? No, after. After what? After your meat.

You're asking me if I had pudding after meat. No, not necessarily.

A pudding isn't always pudding.

Now, what do you suppose you mean by that? Pudding is just what we call

Which is different than meat? Of course, you can never have meat in your

pudding. Unless, of course, you went to blood pudding, which you would eat at

meat. If I confess to the crime, will you stop listing horrible English food

things? Yes.

I did it. You happy?

I killed the vicar. Now, would you just knock it off?

Works every time.

Just in time for gravy.

I cracked it, man. I cracked it.

Hot deal. Hot deal, yes.

Man, I don't even know if we should be selling you this deal, dude. It's too

good. Dude, it's unbelievable. We've got like 250...

Concrete blocks for anyone in the construction game out there.

Yeah, these concrete blocks, we've got so many of them. Most of them aren't

broken, dude.

Exactly the type of materials that you find on a traditional Australian

construction site.

In fact, that's exactly what they are.

Yeah, so like... Getting quick. Getting quick.

We can't hide them. I mean, we can't store them for much longer.

And there's like tons of people looking for us, man.

Like, I mean, because they want the deal, eh?

Like... Come and get them now, $100.

And if you call in the next five minutes, we'll do you another deal, ma

We'll throw in these couple of padlocks, ma 'am. Heavy duty as hell, ma 'am. Hot

deal.

Congratulations on coming this far.

But now the real game begins.

For this round, cast your mind back to your childhood.

I hope you're ready to play Spin the Goose.

Spin the what?

Goose. Spin the Goose. Like a bird?

Yeah, everybody knows Spin the Goose.

Sorry, I don't know that one.

Okay, how about we play Front Foot Back Foot?

Sorry, what is that?

Oh, come on!

Seriously? You were with the spoons and you put your front foot in, you put your

front foot back, you put... Do you mean the hokey pokey?

Yeah. No, it's not the hokey pokey. Okay, how about this?

Blind donkey lollipop.

Jurassic Parliament.

It's just like Dinosaur Parliament, it's just... No one's even heard of Dinosaur

Parliament, let alone Jurassic Parliament.

Can you help me out here?

Alright, um...

King of cheese, queen of bread. Oh, yes.

Yes. Yes.

Great. Oh, no, no, no. Really? I got confused. I was thinking about something

else. Sorry.

Okay, there's this really weird one that you guys probably have never heard of.

It's called Scissors, Paper, Rock. Scissors, Paper, Rock. Yeah. Really?

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Let's play Scissors, Paper, Rock. Yeah. All right.

Sweet. All right, everybody get into pairs.

And if you lose, you get killed.

The killed part. That's the worst part. In Scandinavia,

crime always seems to occur at the Flatback Furniture Museum.

This is Mother on the Border.

He is smart.

And he's getting smarter.

If we don't find him soon, it will be bad.

Please, Detective Sarpolver, we all want to catch this man, but there's no need

to yell.

I'll yell if I want to, Umlau.

This madman is dismembering his victim, tearing them apart piece by piece.

None. Drawers destroyed.

Hoang never saw it coming. You have made your point, Detective.

Flat pack furniture is supposed to be put together, not taken apart.

Where is this Allen key?

Nobody knows where the Allen key is.

That's enough, detective.

You're right.

I lost my cool.

I'm sorry I yelled.

I got too emotional.

And for that, I am very sorry.

As you can see on my face.

At Triple Zero HQ, operator Phil is dealing with another high -stake

Emergency services, Phil speaking.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Why are you whispering?

There's a burglar in my house right now.

I need you to send the police. Why did you let a burglar in your house?

He's going to steal your stuff. Let me sort this out. Put him on. I can't put

him on. Put him on. Go on.

It's for you.

What the... Hello?

Hi, Phil here from emergency services.

Heard you were stealing this guy's stuff. Yeah.

Well, can you not? Because they're kind of his.

It's mine now.

All right, tough customer.

Let's negotiate.

You can steal his shoes and his DVDs, but let him keep his javel maker.

Nah.

Okay, were you planning on murdering him?

Probably not.

Great, okay.

Awesome. Can you put him back on?

Oi. He wants you back. Here you go. Hey, mate. I've got him to agree to not

murder you. What?

Thanks. No, no, no. That's okay.

No, it's all part of the service.

What? Are you serious? Yeah, you take care. Okay.

Bye -bye.

Nothing more satisfying than a job well done.

Russell Crowe, Masterclass, take one.

G'day. I'm Russell Crowe. And people often ask me how I became the actor that

am, how I became so great. They also ask me why my middle name is Ara.

and I tell them, that's none of your business.

This masterclass is designed to give you an insight into how to become

Australia's most beloved actor, way more than Hugh Jackman or Kate Blanchett or

that young upstart, Chris Hemsworth.

I should have had three of you.

I played Harry Power, the man.

that taught Ned Kelly how to be a bush rager, which meant I had to grow a

and that takes time.

I played a boxer. One, two. One, two.

I played Robin Hood, Tally Ho, and, of course, Gladiator.

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, father to a murdered son, husband to a

murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the...

That's going to need a wet wipe.

Now, if you're serious about acting, you'll need this masterclass.

Sure, you'll never come close to achieving anything that I've achieved,

least you'll be able to see how good I am.

Because I am very, very good.

And I can't stress that enough.

And never punch a concierge, even if they've asked for it.

Tonight's episode of RPA contains medical procedures, which is why we

it at dinner time.

One of our dad doctors will be with you shortly.

I'm in agony here.

I'm in agony here. I'm dad.

Right, what's the problem?

Well, I was just out in front of the pub and... You were mucking about, weren't

you? The patient was mucking about, being a bloody idiot.

Then what happened?

I rolled my ankle in a pretty bad way. It really hurts. How did you get here?

I walked. Oh, you walked? Okay, so it mustn't be that bad then. It really

Doctor. All right, all right, all on.

I'm prescribing you 60 milligrams, so stop having a big soot.

Now, nurse, who do we have next?

Mr Milligan? Mr Milligan died last night, Doctor Dad.

Bloody winder. I'll see about that.

Milligan!

Milligan! He really is dead.

Milligan! Very sad.

People of Earth.

I am the supervillain, Dr.

Armageddon.

If you do not do what I ask, I will destroy the world, or the moon, or one

the other things you like.

I was making a sandwich the other day, and I ran afoul of this.

So -called easy -peel ham.

Look, people of Earth.

I demand they make these packets genuinely easier to peel. But if that is

the realm of human science, at the very least, I demand that they take the words

easy peel off the pack. It's bad enough that I can't make my sandwich. I have to

be lied to as well.

Oh, it's just regular ham. I wanted the honey glaze.

Tonight on 60 Seconds, an expert joins us to break down some important data.

Can you take us through the first graph?

Yes, well, this graph shows some really unprecedented data, and I think it's

really... We don't have time for this. Show the graph.

This looks deeply concerning, or very good, depending on the context.

Next graph.

Okay, well, if I can just explain this one... A huge majority of red, it would

seem. I imagine this could have big implications if this was an election,

then again, it could just represent an actual pie.

No time to get into it. Next graph.

Wonderful. Australia's number one. This is your drink driving per capita.

That's all we have time for. Good night.

Welcome back to Pick Which Hand.

I'm here with Dale. He's from Baselton.

Dale, are you ready? As ready as I'll ever be. Good.

Because it's time to pick which hand.

Which one, Dale?

Left. Nah. Good luck in your endeavours, Dale.

Good night, Australia. I'll see you tomorrow for yet another episode of Pick

Which Hand.

Your Majesty, this afternoon there's a charity event outside the palace.

Chariot? I adore chariots. Jolly love being pulled about by horses. No, sorry,

sir. A charity event with members of the public.

Oh, the public. Those guys.

I hoped that once I'd become the king, all that was behind me. I'm afraid, if

anything, you'll be seeing them more. Abolish the monarchy.

It won't be that bad.

Not that bad. Julia, have you met the public?

Yuck. No offense.

Well, I'm afraid it's your duty, sir. All right.

It could be fun. In fact, I do remember having a chat with a member of the

public one time. His name was Bonner.

Is he out there?

Possibly, sir. Well, let's give him a good day lousing and let's get on with

You're not allowed to do lousy wishes anymore, sir.

Soon.

And that's my grief yodelling that helped me get through my father's death.

Well, we are very sorry for your loss.

Yes, and at least he didn't suffer.

And speaking of suffering, how annoying are mozzie bites? Coming up next, we'll

meet the Sydney mum who's biting them.

And up until then, Troy, why don't you take us out to the break?

update on the AFLW.

Yeah, I do. I do. Girls going home!

Footy boys, footy girls.

Come on, yeah.

Come on, yeah. Alright, you know what I'm saying. That's a good point and I'm

going to cut you off there though because I'm getting word. It's Demi

Our wonderful sponsors at the Brisbane Dem Sim Company that supplies us with a

glistening, beautiful, plump plate of Demis. Now who wants to see these

champions tuck in?

Hold!

Wait.

Sit.

Go get them.

Oh, yeah.

Look at them go.

Look at these boys just allow this plate of beautiful, plump, frizzy, dim

simmies. Oh, get a couple of close -ups, John.

Oh, get a close -up of that. Oh, my God.

What a delight.

What an absolute treat.

Oh, we're going to take a break.

But coming up next, we're going to put... I'll go in a wedding dress.

Get another one, fool.

Get another fool one.

Well, I can tell you that a piece like this in mint condition would reward you,

you know, 50 ,000 pounds.

Oh, yeah, sick, dude. But, but, but, but, but, see this crack right there?

Oh, here we go.

That will unfortunately reduce your estimate quite significantly. What the

man? That crack wasn't there when we gave it to you, brother.

I can assure you. Oh, this is bull crap. This bloke here is trying to rip us off

on our bars here. It was worth a lot.

Okay, no, no, no, look here. Yeah, dude, how are you going to make this right?

You said it was worth 200k before that crack. I said it was worth 50 ,000

pounds.

It's not mine to give. It's a dainty teapot. Give us it.

Give us it. Give us it.

Give us it. Give us it. Give us it. Take the plinth. I'll take the plinth. No,

I'll take the plinth.

I'm taking the plinth, man. It is a plinth.

Tonight on RPA, more medical stories to put you off your dinner. Dr. Dad, the

dad doctor, has had to cancel a pressing golf game to check on a patient.

I'm just so cold. Can we make it fit? Oh no, don't touch that. The dad doctors

don't like it when you fiddle with the thermostat. Please, just, I'm so cold.

Who's been mucking around with a bloody temperature?

I'm just so cold.

Well, put on a jumper then. Right, what have we got here?

Okay, hypothermia.

Yes, the patient was lost in the wilderness. All right, so you're playing

buggers in the bush then, eh? What? No.

All right.

I'm not angry at you.

I'm not going to yell at you, all right?

But I am a bit disappointed in you.

So, Lena and Lana, I assume you know why I've kept you after class.

Is it because we never do schoolwork because schoolwork is not fire?

No, it's not that.

Is it because we yeeted you off TikTok for being choogy? No, it's not about

attitude. Oh, I think I know. The underage drinking.

No, but I do want to talk about that. Hooking up in class.

No. The illegal tattoo ring. Does that look like your mood?

Huge mood.

No, no, no.

Well, then what, sir? Why are we here?

Well, according to this memo, you have both been elected as school captain.

We think all hierarchical structures are toxic, actually.

But also slow.

Yeah, like this is not fire.

But also slow.

So do we get a badge?

Yeah, I assume there's a badge involved.

Oh my God, don't force me to wear the badge.

You won't be forced. I'm not going to be forced.

Give it to me. Yeah, give it to me.

Back at Triple Zero HQ, it's a stressful morning for Operator Graham.

Yes, hello, what is your emergency?

My kitchen's on fire!

Oh, jeez, that's no good. I'll send the police out right away. No, fire!

I said there's a fire!

Oh, yeah, no, the police can handle that. They're very good.

What? Can you just send a fire truck, please?

Yeah, the thing is, I just... I went on a couple of dates with Tara.

You don't know Tara, but she's the girl who works at the fire station. And it

was just... I don't care about that. It was very awkward, you know, like just

really stilted conversation.

I just want to avoid that whole weirdness, you know. So police or

those are your options.

Do either of them have a hose?

Ambulance has like a little tap. Well, that one then.

That's three votes, Norell.

Three votes, Terry.

The eighth person that will be voted out of Australian Survivor. What is the

meaning of these proceedings? Who are you?

I'm Jonathan LaBalle. Silence, Jack.

I am Dr Armageddon.

This has been my secret lair for nigh on 80 years.

I have scrubbed its very existence from every map. It is undetectable by

satellite technology.

How did you find this place?

Uh, I guess a location scout found it.

What are you doing here? Is this some sort of satanic ritual?

It's a tribal council. We're just about to eliminate someone.

Eliminated? Good.

Shall we vaporize them?

Uh, no. Or explode them?

No, we don't. Or turn them into some kind of goo.

We just usually send them home.

Send who?

Oh, that's not very dramatic.

Well, Raymond, he won't be going home this week because he's got this necklace

from the immunity challenge, so he can't be eliminated.

Do not make me laugh.

Cannot be eliminated?

What, does he have some kind of laser -proof hat?

We could just get on with the show.

Show? This is a... Oh, a show.

Yeah, like a bunch of us get sent to, like, an island and there's no fire or

shelter and the last person standing gets money.

That sounds pretty psycho, actually.

Anyway, Narelle, you've been eliminated. If you could just... Oh, are you going

to turn her into a goo?

No, no one's going to... I've got to think. You'll be like, oh, yeah, let's

a goo going. No, we're not going to get a goo going. There's no goo that's

going. The big new comedy where no show is safe.

The first person to be voted out unanimously is Michael.

Mistake per chance?

No, even I voted for you. That's how much you suck.

Nobody likes him. The crew all hate you. I beg to differ.

He sucks.

Oh, the biggest new comedy in decades.

Are you okay?

Not really.

We interrupt this broadcast next Tuesday after Farmer Wants a Wife.