Original subtitles

non -billionaire look at you amazing i know right

well i'm super into body positivity so after the second baby i've just been

working really hard with my plastic surgeon so what did you get

just something super subtle i got my boobs my navel my cheeks my toes elbows

pancreas butt and

And, okay, I might have got a little bit of work done on my hoo -ha.

I got a whole new hoo -ha.

I got a whole new hoo -ha.

I knew when I said I got work done on my hoo -ha that Kim would want to get work

done on her hoo -ha.

Because she's always cubbing my hoo -ha.

I have a surprise for you, sweetie.

Hip, hip, hooray!

There are nine of you remaining, but Luke only has eight roses.

Sadly, that means one of you will be leaving us tonight.

Or we could just get another rose and then everyone would be fine.

No.

Well, I feel like I've known you forever.

Will you please accept this rose, Katrina?

Karina.

Karen. Candles.

Caroline. Caroline.

Of course.

Oh, mate, the hardest day of my life. Like, I'm just much better with faces,

know? You're doing a great job.

Thanks, Andrew G.

Sasha.

Now, Chloe.

Claire, I just get confused because there are so many of them and they are

personal trainers.

Now, if you're one of the Australians who wants to grow their own fruit and

but doesn't know where to start, you're not alone.

Don't worry, permaculture doesn't have to be a dirty word.

It all starts with the soil.

The type, the temperature, and the taste.

Mmm, yummy.

Please. Yum, yum.

He's back.

Yum, Australia.

He keeps eating the type. Yum, yum.

Fantastic.

Is there a caffeine?

I thought there was a caffeine.

I think he's just pouring it down.

Okay.

Okay. This one?

Me? All right. This one. Just on the other earrings.

Me? Yeah.

It's Jess, right?

Yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. Actually, you're the go -home one. I didn't... I should

have done the rose first.

Oh. Oh.

What the... I knew it was Jess.

It's all killer, all filler.

You're watching Australia's favourite reality show, Lip Island.

Lip Island, where Destiny with four E's is trying to open a can of fizzy. I

can't do it. Right?

And just like Pandora's box... Ow!

Oh, my God!

You know, trouble is coming.

Looks like Jasmine with a six has been stung by a bee.

Is it a disaster or is it a happy ending?

Uh -uh. Good.

We've really, really got to impress Manu on this one.

And we don't know what he's thinking.

He just has this poker face.

We're just watching him and going, does he like it?

I'm watching him for any clue as to whether or not it's going well or it's

bad.

I just can't get a read on the guy.

Is that good?

I think it went well.

Yeah, I think so too.

I'm ready for love and I can't wait to see who the experts have picked for me.

Yeah,

that's my cousin.

Not even my hottest cousin.

It's really nice.

Lovely, yeah.

I've got a really good feeling about this one.

Um, well, I, uh, yeah, I've just started dating again after six months. I was

posted overseas.

Oh, right, so you're in the army.

No, I, um, I fell into this big cardboard box at the post office.

What?

Did you... I think I fell through my clothes.

You're pretty good, though. Right.

Oh.

Just for me, was that foam from the box?

Yeah, they call them a packaging peanut.

It's time to read the votes.

I know my head's really on the chopping block this week.

I betrayed my alliance.

I never help out at camp.

I did a wee on a fire.

And I bought a ukulele to the island.

I'm just generally like an intolerable person.

But I do have something up my sleeve.

My Irish name.

No one knows how to spell Siobhan.

Siobhan Bon.

Sorry, but there's no one named that here.

Siobhan Bon.

Also no one.

With that name.

Oh, come on. We're trying to spell Siobhan.

Siobhan.

That is not a person.

That is a bread.

And the fifth person being voted out of Australian Survivor.

Matt. Oh, what?

No. It's time to say your goodbyes.

Let's see if the dragon... Yes, that's right.

Dodgers, what did you think?

Bloody love the dragon. You're a bloody dab, and I've got no idea who you are.

I'm kind of suffocating. I can't really breathe in here.

Okay, so he's saying he can't breathe.

Oh, every breath you take, it stings. Oh, my God, it stings.

Please, please get this off me. Oh, I'm getting very dizzy.

Dizzy. Dizzy Rascal.

You got the moves.

It's Timomatic.

Or Slay Dragon.

I think I'm going to die if I can't get out of this costume.

Whose bloody song was that? I think I'm going to die if I can't get out of this

costume. I think I'm going to die if I can't get out of this costume. Nikki

Webster? Nikki Webster.

That must be it.

I think he's dead.

Dead? Who else is dead?

Oh, it's the buddy Kirstie Alley!

Tonight, celebrities are pushed to their physical and psychological limits by a

very shouty Englishman.

This is SAF Australia.

You don't think you can do it?

Don't think you can do it?

Oh!

My sweet little angels.

Would you like a picnic?

Would that be better?

Is that all your speed, mate?

No. How about you, eh? How about we just sit down and have a nice picnic?

Would that make you feel better?

Would that be more enjoyable?

Do I have a problem with tone?

Do I?

Out here on the main road, anything can happen, especially cars.

Yeah, excuse me, ma 'am. We've just stopped you tonight for a random breath.

Isn't that telly?

Am I on telly right now? Why don't we just pretend the camera's not there?

Carla! Carla, I'm here. I'm your telly. Well, she can't see you. It's not right.

If we could just blow into this tube, please.

I'm doing it. I'm over the go.

I'll ask you again, thanks, man.

Oh, sorry.

Can I have a go of your hat? Here we are. Bloody Nazi Germany.

No, you're all right.

Well, a lot of the time it's absolutely clear whether someone is heavily

intoxicated. In tonight's case, we just had a sober moron.

All I'm saying is, is that whenever I get a blood nose, it's because I've been

picking it. It's caused by the effort of using my telekinesis. Yeah, you would

say that. But whenever you use it, something amazing is happening. Like

opening up an interdimensional portal or something. But I bet that while we're

distracted, you're picking boogers. I am not! My epithelial organ is nearly

here. Okay, whatever happens, I've got my...

You might got to eat it.

And now from the archives, it's Play School, 1958.

I'm really enjoying using this lead -based paint, Peggy.

Oh, hello, children.

Hello. Fiddly day and top of the morning, as the Irish, who I dislike,

say. Today, we're doing some painting. And as you can see, I'm using... Some

green paint.

And I, red paint.

Now I'll add some dried asbestos to make it even more colourful.

Wow.

It looks and smells beautiful.

Now for the bleach.

Now remember, children, if you have designs on drinking the bleach...

Be sure not to do it on an empty stomach.

And always remember to pack up neatly and dispose of your waste in a

manner in any good river or wetland.

We are at the airport where the aeroplanes live.

In Melbourne.

Customs officials have received a tip -off that a passenger arriving from

Auckland may be in possession of prohibited goods.

Could you open the suitcase for me, please?

Is there a problem?

Could you open the suitcase for me, please?

Hobbits are not permitted outside of Mordor or Queenstown. We can't let you

through. So, uh, I guess you could say...

Oh, come on.

I guess what it means is that you could say... Don't make me say it! Come on,

come on.

I shall not fight!

It's in the book as well. Where?

Can I go?

No, we're detaining you. That was the whole thing.

Sorry, I got this for you.

Oh, thank you.

Sorry I'm late.

Surgery ran over.

Yeah.

He's rich, handsome, considerate.

What's the catch?

There's more, there's more, there's more.

Honestly,

at this point I'm about ready to give up.

What have you prepared for us tonight?

Well, we really wanted to do simple food done right.

It's Nesquik and milk.

A very bold, very risky choice.

Well, this was actually based on my grandmother's recipe and it means a lot

us to honour her in this way.

The recipe is Nesquik and milk.

Bon appétit.

Well, you can't ask that, where viewers ask provocative questions to Australians

from underrepresented groups, but all the good ones have been done.

Boring people.

This should be a bit of fun.

Nothing on... Did anyone have any questions for me?

None.

None.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Alright, two of our targets have just moved into a heavily populated area.

Finding them is going to be like trying to find a needle in a gigantic stack of

needles, alright? This could be the toughest one yet. Found them.

What?

Right there.

How do you know it's them?

Seriously? There's a whole camera crew following you.

The ones with the full camera crew following them are probably the ones

looking for, yeah?

You're not supposed to point out the camera crew!

Thanks for wrecking it!

There's a camera through there. I mean, I can't not see it. Yeah, but you're

supposed to pretend.

She's wrecked it.

Sarah's wrecked it. All right, she's wrecked it.

Perfection Your grandmother would be proud

This is

lion's

share where we throw lots of money at ill -conceived ideas

Ah, jaunty. Hey, how's it going, Lions?

I'm Toby.

Give it to us straight.

Wow, Toby, you walked in here with so much confidence. I like it. He's cocky,

and that's what it takes to make it in this industry.

All right, how much do you want?

Well, let me tell you my idea.

Look, I'm going to stop you there, Toby.

I made my first million buying a pie shop.

And to be honest, when I signed that deal, I had no idea what a pie was. I

don't, to be honest. It doesn't matter. I'm stinking rich, and I like you. There

is something about you. I love your business talent. I want a piece of your

whatever it is. I will give you $500 ,000 right now for 30 % stake in your

company. I'm loving your offer. What else have you got, Lyons? Toby, sorry.

I will give you $600 ,000 cash today.

for a 20 % stake. Okay, quiet, you. I got a watch. You want it, Toby? It's

yours. Hey, you want my car?

You can also have that. All right, Toby, please, for the love of God, I need to

get on the Toby train.

I'm loving your offers, Lyons. I'm frankly excited.

But I'm going to have to go with Belinda. Oh, yes. Good decision, Toby.

you. All right, what have you got?

Behold, the future of pants.

This is SAS Australia.

Number two.

we go magician, right?

Now what do we have here?

Oh, a new manila folder.

Ooh, black and white photo.

Not from a named photographer, mind you. They seem to be taken with a telephoto

lens out the front of a motel.

Yep. The picture depicts a man and... ..and a woman.

A bit hard to... A bit hard to tell their faces.

And, um... They don't seem to be married and they seem to be on a romantic

trend.

They're fascinating.

Fascinating photos.

What did you want to know about them?

I guess I just want to know how much they're worth, you know?

Very valuable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very valuable. If you could just provide

me the photos and the negatives, I could value them at two thousand pounds.

Five, five, five, five, five thousand pounds.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Word about town is that Daphne Fridgerton is being courted by none

the Duke of Westinghouse.

Will he open his doors for Daphne and turn his little light on?

Excellent shot, Duke Westinghouse.

Isn't he a magnetic mother?

Really? I find him to be rather cold and his repartee monotonous. But he has a

five -star energy rating, Mama.

I just think how angelic our children would be.

Good luck with that, my dear.

Whatever do you mean, Mama?

Well, from everything I've heard, he's absolutely frigid.

Frigid? Oh, no.

But you know I wish to be a mother.

You know how I adore children.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear indeed.

I'm Louis Roof from the BBC.

I was just wanting to understand a little bit more about why you wanted us

eat these pies. I'll explain everything, please. Take a seat, my darling. I

know, and now might not be a good time, I understand that. Just go and sit down

like the rest of them. I just thought that maybe... Shut your pie hole, Louis,

before I stab a cockroach in it. All right, everyone, now what do we need

As I walked away, I still wasn't any closer to understanding Julia's

with feeding D -grade celebrities gross, slimy buggies. I need someone to be our

first volunteer to try a little...

As Julia spoke to us.

Louis, you cannot narrate this show. This is my show, not yours.

I could tell that Julia was... Louis... But I just want...

My time in the jungle had been fruitful, and not just from making an

AFL player cry, but I was no closer to understanding Julia's... thick

fascination with feeding D -grade celebrities gross slimy bugs. No

Turns out, in the end, his first name was Angus. Whoa. Angus MacGyver.

Mike, you're back!

Yeah, it was awful. It was just like here, but cold and dark and wet. It was

like a place with no joy.

And there were these humanoid creatures there with these mangled, horrible

teeth.

Did they take you to the Upside Down again?

No, he was on student exchange in the UK.

Gross.

All killer, all filler.

You're watching Australia's favourite reality show, Lip Island.

Tonight, love is in the air.

Hot new couple Jasmine with a six and Taj with two Js are getting all goo -goo

-ga -ga with four Os and four As. Honestly, though, you've been talking

Like, who would be, like, your number one in the villa?

Who's that?

It's got to be you.

James!

Are you joking?

I swear to God. I'm your number one.

I swear to God. First time I walked in the villa, I saw you. I was like, this

chick's so fit, like crazy.

You'd be my number one as well.

So you're going to stick it on me or what?

I'll be.

Is their first kiss going to be a fairy tale moment?

Brings a tear to the eye.

That was great.

Congratulations on making it this far!

For this round, you will play another favorite game from your childhood.

This one popular the world over, so no need to explain the rules.

Let us commence.

Horsey Corsay!

Oh, fun!

I love Horsey Corsay! I used to love this game! Come on, everyone!

Yeah, I love this.

Sorry, could you please explain the rules?

It's Horsey Corsay! It's Horsey Corsay! You know, Horsey Corsay, like Horsey

Corsay! Sorry, saying the name over and over again doesn't help me. I don't

know... Okay, everybody happy?

Yes! Let's begin.

Ready, set...

It's just, it's easy.

You'll pick it up as we go along.

I want to play Horsie Corsie.

I could, the stakes could not be higher, right? I could literally be killed if I

don't get this right. So can you please explain how to play?

You know, like this, like Corsie.

Corsie.

Yeah, see, he's got it. Yeah, yeah.

You know? No!

All right, let's begin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No!

No! We could not have explained that any clearer.

You can't ask that.

Clumsy people.

Okay, uh, let's go.

Everybody to battle stations.

Okay, um what because he rules it's fun, right?

No,

no, no, no, hey he's gone he's just gone How can he be gone? We've been tracking

his every move. He's just dropped off the map. Okay, you have to tell the

Me? No, you're telling the chief. Sorry, telling me what?

We've lost him, chief.

You what?

You call yourselves an elite hunting unit?

You know who could do your job better than you?

Babies! Dumb, stupid babies!

Ring, ring! Hello, who's this? Oh, it's a dumb, stupid baby! Can I have a job?

Yeah, you can!

You can have si -

Right now. Target, travel down Smith. He went on to Johnson, back to Smith. He

idled there for about ten minutes, and then he sort of just spun around for a

while. This is the pattern of a diseased mind.

If he doesn't get here soon, Chief, your pad thai's going to be weird and

gluggy. You think I know that, computer girl?

Got a delivery?

What took you so long?

I'm sorry, Chief.

The food's gone all cold and gross.

Oh, no!

We could microwave it.

Just make it work.

We're at the airport, where the boarding passes are printed on paper that's far

too flimsy, and the luggage carousel is not as fun as it sounds.

It's morning. Our border force officers are questioning a returning traveller.

Could you open the suitcase for me, please?

All right.

Okay, what's this, ma 'am?

That's a sarong.

What's that?

painting of a wave, but it's not valuable. It wouldn't incur duty or

like that.

Okay, and this?

Coconut bag.

For your acai bowls or, you know, sort of, but it's treated wood, so it's not a

biosecurity risk.

Miss, where have you travelled from today?

Bali.

Miss, are you aware of the dangers of purchasing items overseas in the hope

they'll seamlessly blend into your life back home?

I'm a changed woman since Bali. You know, I'm going to make my yard into

cabana club. How long have you been away?

Nine days.

Hi, I'm Malcolm Turnbull. If you're over 55 and on a pension, retirees insurance

is here to help.

Over 55 and on a pension?

What? Why didn't you invest in Aussie Mail and walk away with a $50 million

profit? That's what I did, and it worked out okay for me.

Why people don't invest in their own future beggars belief.

I mean, the poor.

Where are they? I don't see them around Point Piper. They must live in Double

Bay.

Luthie, do the poor live in Double Bay?

Retiree's insurance.

Good on you. Bye now.

This is all very tawdry, isn't it?

Terrible people, the poor.

You can't ask that.

Dungeons and Dragons players.

Yeah, so basically to answer your question, I think there's actually

more satisfying than a weekend spent playing Dungeons and Dragons.

So, yeah.

We might just get you to stay in for our next episode, if that's all right.

Indeed. What is the nature of the next episode?

People who've never had sex.

Do anime body pillows count?

I did it.

I'll tell you everything.

Everything?

Everything.

What's the capital of Iran?

Tehran? What's the average depth of the Mariana Trench? 11 ,034 metres.

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

Oh, no, that's like... Well...

That's it.

You're coming with me.

Back to the smells? No. We've got pub trivia in 15 minutes.

We're going to smash it. Let's go.

Okay, because we need to establish if you have any intention of wearing this

sarong outside of Bali. I do. I've really gotten into the relaxed, chilled

vibe. You know, I'm going to wear it to the shoppies. I'm going to wear it to

the shop.

And parent -teacher interview.

Border security can't allow delusional purchases back into the country. Do you

have anything else you'd like to declare?

Well, there's this big golden Buddha I thought I'd do. You and the gold Buddha.

That's enough. Put it down. Put down the golden Buddha.

You know, I'm hoping for a bit of romance.

My favourite film is Love, actually, and I think we all deserve a love story.

So, what do you, what do you, um... That

sounds... Oh, that's lovely.

Oh, my God, the fish!

Did you know I... I mean, it's April, but...

You know, we could just have, like, a conversation or something as well. I've

got to know... Sorry, what?

You wrote them an advice.

Thank you.

Welcome to Millionaire Hot Seat.

Let's meet tonight's contestants.

Competing for a million dollars, we have Jeff Lyon. Jeff invented kombucha,

brought an end to the Gulf War, and is a pathological liar.

Leanne Sharp is a personal assistant who doesn't know which camera she should be

looking at.

That one. Yep, there you go. Not that one. There you go, Leanne. There you go.

This is Stella Peters.

She's a real piece of work.

Next up is Barbara Horton.

Barb is recruiting for a pyramid scheme and has some fascinating brochures I

think you should read.

Really great business opportunity.

And Michael Calione is in witness protection, living under an assumed name

can't have his name read out on air.

Whoopsie daisies.

G'day gardeners, Cocter here.

Have you found inspiration this week? What's your current gardening project?

Maybe you're growing some juicy veggies.

Whatever your gardening ambition, I'm here to help. Help! Help me!

Help! Is anyone here? A barber?

Help! Help!

And thank you to the Bangara Dance Company for that moving performance.

Now, let's talk about last night's big game. Let's go around Buffhead. Yeah,

there were some tight legs out there. And how about that scoring?

Absolutely, Grogan. Yeah, well, both sides turned up at the end of the day.

I think you'll find that that young fellow we saw a lot of, he's got a great

future in the game. He was absolutely a young fellow. Woman. I can't feel my

legs anyway.

Absolutely right.

Fuzzy. They went right up the gutter until they had back loose.

Good point, well made, son.

Bogo!

Bogo, that is the most insightful thing anyone has ever said at this desk. And

we are all richer for having heard it.

Right now, we're going to look at some viral videos of little kids getting

Playing sport?

Nah.

This is lion's share.

Tricia has come to the lions with her sports drink, but the lions smell blood

the water and they are circling.

Basically, it replaces all the minerals that we lose in the body when we sweat.

Looks like you could do with one of those drinks right now.

Yeah, I'm a bit sweaty.

The nerves.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to stop you there. I think you've got a good

product, but you have no idea how to sell it here. Let me show you.

All right, let's swap places.

Sit down.

Learn from an expert.

Okay, Lions, this is an innovative, delicious sports drink that consumers

are going to love.

It's really interesting, actually.

What ingredients do you have in there? Good question.

The winning ingredient in this is broganberry.

Now, this berry.

Sorry, just with this broganberry, I mean, have you done any tests with the

Because I've read some studies that show that it produces uncontrollable

diarrhea in 80 % of the population.

Oh, that's a very bold statement.

But do you know what?

This is a full -body cleansing sports drink. Energy in, toxins out. Now, Lion,

come on. Are you in?

Well, I, for one, Davina Barker -Jones, would love to be in at 50 % of

an investment of $40 million.

Duh! All right. Yeah, and that is how.

You sell a product. You look so good. Thank you. You just got to remember

Thank you very much. Damina, you have taught me a lot. Thank you.

Hang on a second.

Well, as you know, I'm a modern woman. I run my own business. I'm addicted to

cardio interval training.

And I'm just... You know, looking for a partner who's on the same page, whereas

I don't know that there's much of a spark going on with Og.

Og is sort of all hunt, hunt, hunt and wants me to gather.

And I'm like, well, you know, I didn't pull all -nighters at business school so

that I could become a gatherer.

Tash, Tash, Tash. We're a bit concerned that you're not taking the time to make

this relationship work.

Now, what activities have you been doing together?

Well, that's the thing. I mean, I'm the kind of girl who likes to just go to the

market and have an avo smash for brunch on the weekends. But I don't even know

what Og likes to eat.

Fresh.

Now I know.

Tash, you've struggled with your own impossibly high standards before. Is it

possible that you're repeating old patterns?

Decision time, Tash. What's it going to be?

Well, um, I know that you put it together for a reason.

And I want to try to respect the process, so I'm going to stay.

Oh, wow.

Stay or leave? Or

leave.

Bah.

But, you know, he is sharing himself with you.

The big new comedy where no show is safe. Back there, I saw you apply make

I wasn't, I swear.

You sure about that? I don't put make -up on, I don't wear make -up for work.

Something funny is happening to Tuesday.

Loyalty is actually really important to me. You sound like my wife.

You're married. Please, I get enough of that at home.

Australian new comedy obsession.

Our new Australian cousin Craig is coming over.

Are you saying Craig or Greg?

We're saying Craig because that's her name. Craig. I literally can't even

breathe. I'm obsessed with Craig.

Craig! Craig!

Craig! Craig! We interrupt this broadcast next Tuesday, 7 .30.