Original subtitles

I'm standing there, going to pass out from nerves, wondering what I've got

myself into.

And then I turn around and there she is.

Hi.

The woman whose life I'm going to ruin.

I have very deep -seated self -esteem issues that you are going to exploit

mercilessly.

I seem pretty nice on the surface, but I get really toxic when anyone challenges

my worldview.

And I will internalise that and blame myself and then crumble into a heap.

I hope that's later on in the series. No, it'll probably be, like, episode

if I know me.

Oh, good, good.

Are we ready to get married?

Not really. Absolutely not.

But... I have a really pedestrian job, but I just want to start getting free

things on Instagram.

I've been kicked off every dating app on the planet, so... Do it. Do it, eh?

Yeah. Well, by the fake power vested in me by this reality TV show, I now

pronounce you bottom -tier D -list celebrities.

Yay!

Good evening.

We interrupt this broadcast.

Tonight, celebrities are pushed to their physical and psychological limits by a

very shouty Englishman. This is SAS Australia.

Move it! Spin!

Spin, you muppet!

Spin it!

Yes! Five, four, three, two, one!

Bye -bye, Joey. Bye -bye.

It's all killer, all filler.

You're watching Australia's favourite reality show, Lip Island.

Sparks fly when Picky Nicky meets Mickey the Bricky.

But Picky Nicky also likes Dicky, making it a love triangle.

Tricky! Mickey the Bricky plus bombshell Vicky's hook -up erects a filthy love

square.

Vicky gives Sticky a hickey, giving us a red hot love pentagon.

Things get a bit icky when Flicky, Ticky, Ricky and Steve join in, making

dirtiest love dodecahedron, maybe, that Lip Island has ever seen.

Coming up, it all goes hair shade once again when the Islanders push moral

decency. and my knowledge of geometry to the absolute frickin' limit.

Here at Charles Kingsford Smith Airport, named after famous Australian aviator

Daryl Airport, the weight of this traveler's luggage has raised some

Did you pack this bag yourself, sir?

Yes, I did.

Has it ever been out of your sight?

Maybe for a moment.

Agent Jenkins, come

on, mate. We've spoken about this.

Yeah, you're good.

Come on, mate.

I never get to go anywhere fun.

You weren't going anywhere. I was coming back.

I was going to wherever you live. Get back to working.

Today,

you

have all made an authentic Italian dish loved all around the world.

Spaghetti Bolognese.

Up first, Janelle.

What is this?

Well, I actually ordered my ingredients online, and so I think they substituted

a few items.

So, instead of spaghetti... Baby rusks. Right. And in place of the beef mince,

you have... A 16 -pack of AA batteries.

And onions.

Bleach.

Before you taste, what is a delicious bag bowl without a few generous lashings

of grated dish sponge?

Yum.

Ooh, that's plenty.

Two words, yum.

Just before I die, I can't fault you on the texture.

Are you trying to send me a message from the upside down?

G -E -T, get? Yeah.

T -H -E, get the, yeah?

D -U -C -K -O -U -T, get the duck out. What? We don't have a duck? Well,

what kind of duck?

Donald Duck? Daffy Duck? Like, which duck?

I mean duck.

What?

Sorry, duck.

Cat Fluff Duck.

Oh, this is fascinating.

Do you happen to know what this is?

Well, I was thinking it was a sort of bulb.

Oh, mate, not a bulb.

This is a Mark II grenade.

Oh, right.

Wow. Yeah, you've been World War II primarily.

So what you want to do is... Oh, what a shame. This happened to have the pin in

it just a moment ago. This it?

Yes, this is wonderful.

May I ask, when did you remove that? Oh, around four seconds ago.

You see, when these two are together, the pin and the grenade...

Well, it's worth a lot more.

But if you remove the two, well, not only does the value plummet, but the

grenade will actually... Call us.

What news?

Volantis is under siege.

No goods may leave the city. Their trade is crippled. We are at war.

What do we care for a backwater province like Volantis?

Well, they provide the entire kingdom with ultra -platinum blonde hair dye.

Send the dragon.

Send two.

My roots are showing.

At once.

Why don't you run? Why doesn't anyone run anywhere?

Well, it's been another tough week for our couple.

There have been battles and betrayals with each other and within yourselves.

And now you each have a decision to make. Will you stay or will you leave?

Although it's been an extremely difficult week, I have decided to go in

Which means to stay.

Sure, he's clearly only with me to steal the egg of eternity and bring a new age

of darkness into the forest realm, but I really feel like I can fix him, you

know? And what about you, Grob?

Look.

Grawl would like to crash the elf into dust.

But Grawl also knows he has some growing to do.

I also have decided to die.

Grawl, have you written that in blood?

It was blood, I'm sorry.

That is so you.

Just a bit of fun.

Orc will be orc.

That's nice.

Beautiful, yeah.

Welcome

to

the first tribal council of Australian survivor.

Dopes. Versus idiots.

Now, as I have already explained eight times, I'm going to read the votes.

And remember, I have already explained what voting is.

This one's just blank.

Um, what's a vote?

This one just says leave.

Um, so my marriage to Paul has become, like, super toxic.

This isn't maths.

This isn't maths.

Blank.

Blank.

Heart beating.

This is a picture of a horse, but it's got cow written on it. That's my best

animal.

And this one says, hi, Jeff.

Hi, Jeff.

It's Jonathan.

Oh.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Hello, I'm Hannah, Capcorn, ready for love. I've applied for first dates,

obviously, Farmer Wants a Wife, Bachelor, Bachelorette, Bachelorette in

Paradise, Bachelor in Paradise as well, Math, ready for love.

Really important for me to have a strong connection to family.

Oh, yeah.

Nothing more important than family.

Are you close with your mother?

I'm very close to mine.

I figured.

It's very important to be very close to mother.

Can I get this to go?

Thank you, mother.

It's time to play another traditional game from your youth.

Anyone who loses will be eliminated.

Choose your opponent wisely.

I choose her.

She's drunk. Her tracksuit's all backwards.

You're on your hunk of spunk.

She'll be dead in ten minutes.

The game is Goon of Fortune.

Whoever can drink the most warm cask wine off this hill hoist wins.

Do you think you can handle me?

Yes, I do this every Christmas.

try this one, because that's a nice drive, but this might be a bit sweeter.

I'll pull one out for you, dog.

Can I keep going?

And now, from the archives, it's Play School, 1958.

Oh, hello children, and welcome to Play School.

Today, I'd like to introduce you to our new co -host.

This is Peggy.

Unfortunately, my last co -host, Nancy, got married, so we had to fire her.

I hope you don't have a bow in the wings, Peggy. No, I'm 24 and far too old

get married.

That's right.

Now, Peggy, what time is it on our futuristic rocket clock?

Lunchtime. Perfect.

Well, that's women's work.

So, Peggy, I'm going to go sit in my armchair, smoke my pipe... And enjoy my

newspaper. Good day.

Now, children, a healthy diet is very important.

Sure, we'd all love to eat creamed eels and jellied tuna for every meal. Did

somebody say jellied tuna?

I've got watery mouth now.

Lunch is on its way, Bert.

We'll see that it is.

The Commonwealth Department of Eating recommends an inch of dripping on all

bread, meat, vegetable, fruit and dripping -based meals.

And don't forget a packet of Wizard's Children's Cigarettes.

With only half the nicotine, it's the perfect introduction to a lifetime of

healthy smoking.

But what's this?

It's Dr.

Bert, the dentist.

Yes. Hello.

Now, children, if you want to avoid the drill, make sure that you brush your

teeth at least once a month.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

It's all killer, all filler. You're watching Australia's favourite reality

Lip Island.

Tonight, Death Dinny, with poor ease, reveals a shocking secret.

Oh,

can you even say that on TV?

Paolo, what have you got for us today?

Thyme roasted lamb with seasonal vegetables.

Wonderful. And is that a juice? Yes. Red wine and orange reduction to be added

at the table.

Well, mate, do your thing.

There can never be enough to maybe you're right maybe it's not enough

Here at Notflix, we've run out of comedians to give stand -up specials to.

So we gave one to Mum's friend Sue.

You will never get who I saw at the supermarket on Thursday.

Wednesday. Wednesday.

I'll tell you what, it certainly wasn't Tuesday because, of course, the post

office was closed. And I'll tell you who told me that.

Kelly from Zumbo. Get set for an hour of anecdotes about people you don't know

that don't go anywhere.

Did you see, did I show you pictures of Hattie? Because she has two lovely

babies now.

Two lovely babies, which we were all so very excited about. Did you see her?

Because she did come in. And, of course, we were always absolutely thrilled to

have her, although I will tell you that she does stay a little longer than I

like. Critics have called Mum's friend Sue the kind of woman who takes photos

with her iPad.

And she probably volunteered at the Sydney 2000 Olympics.

Anyway, there's one of the... What is the deal with sausages?

That's the end of that one.

That's just a question.

Mum's friend Sue.

Coming soon to Knott's List.

Australia.

On this show, you will face your biggest fear.

It's actually a really big deal for me to be on this show right now because I

was recently diagnosed with aqua -color muscle lymphobia, which is the fear of

being sprayed in the face with pepper spray while being waist deep in a barrel

full of eels and being shouted at by an angry British man at the same time.

I don't think I should have... This will teach you a lesson.

You know what I'm really terrified of?

Yeah, get a load of that. Is that from your nightmares?

Well, wait till you see this, sir.

Fascinating. It's absolutely fascinating. It is one of the most

pieces that I've ever had the good fortune to see. What actually is the

fascinating thing about it and what makes it most valuable, most valuable

indeed, is that there appears to be a woman trapped within it. A what?

There's a woman trapped within your grandmother's shiny silver square,

She's about six foot tall.

She's quite sharply dressed. She's quite striking. And she's eerily familiar.

And what is most...

Remarkable that she appears to be something of a trickster.

Because if you look closely, Julie, what you'll see is that every move I make,

she copies with unerring accuracy.

I must say, this is a piece of rare and dangerous magic.

Does she not know what a mirror is?

Welcome to the amazing race.

It's not for the faint of heart.

Some of you will break down.

But you also have the chance to win a life -changing amount of money.

And the first destination that you have to get yourself to is...

Canberra.

Alright,

well I'm out. Yeah, that is not worth it.

I thought it was going to be somewhere good like Spain or Japan, so that's

Hey, there's these small restaurants than there used to be.

There's Questacon.

You can cycle around like Burley Griffin.

It's got a water jet, guys.

Guys!

Extraordinary.

Ah, you're smart, trickster lady, but you're not that smart.

The machinery, so good. The working, so fine.

Look at the machinery.

Look at it go.

Look at it. Look at it. Can't see the strings, can't see the wires. You can't

even see the way it works.

Absolutely extraordinary.

Stop it.

I have gathered you all here because, in fact, Lord Fenton's murderer is in this

very room.

Let's examine the facts, shall we? The body was found behind a locked door with

only two keys, one on his person, the other in the butler's pantry.

But the killer was very clever.

All right, I confess.

I murdered Lord Fenton. The act of killing... took place at 5 .06, the very

moment when the steam train rose through, thereby obscuring any noise.

I'm murdered, Lord Fenton. The waiter says he called for soup, which remained

warm and untouched when the body was found.

Are you listening to me?

I killed him. Look!

Good point. There does remain the issue of the missing murder weapon.

You mean this?

This knife that I stabbed him with? Please, Daniel, let Miss Mabel talk.

By my powers of deduction, the only person with the motive, means, and

opportunity was... Me.

It was me.

The captain!

Miss Mabel, you've done it again.

It's enough, Red. Don't hand me.

You're lit. So, a murderer's in here?

You're a lovely young man.

Oh, be quiet, you old ninny. Hello?

You can't ask that, where viewers ask provocative questions to Australians

underrepresented groups, but all the good ones have been done.

Professors of Electrical Engineering.

I just take the seat in the centre of the space there. Just here? So what

got is members of the public have written questions that they felt that

were too inappropriate to ask electrical engineers.

OK, all right. Ooh, very controversial.

Yikes!

OK. Can a remote loop flange circuit be sufficiently nebulated... ..to generate

a flux modulation in a discrete capacitance transistor grid... ..while

disturbing sufficient electron resistance... ..to a high -voltage AC

Well, how much time have you got?

I'm really dying to, like, answer this question. You really want to answer

Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, no -one asked this in the field.

Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. OK.

I don't know.

It's 8 .15pm at Warwick Capper International Airport, and our Border

agents are doing a routine luggage inspection of a passenger from France.

Righto, bag up on the table, thanks.

OK, all right, we're very busy today.

All right, go on then.

All right, unzip, yep.

Where's the bag?

Yeah, opening the bag.

A bit of wind.

Oh, very good.

Very good. Good on you. Thank you. You've got a rope.

Very good. All right, thanks so much. Thank you. Good on you. Oh, now there's

more. More.

More in the bag. What's in the golf club staff? Big stick.

Fishing rod, fishing rod, fishing rod. Fishing rod. Fishing rod, you got it.

Okay, thank you so much. Off you go. Well done.

Off you go. Now there's more.

There's more.

Something a bit of an hamburger or... What are you doing?

No, you can't have fruit. It's a biosecurity hazard.

I'm sorry. You have the right to remain silent.

Good one.

You had a bit of my fruit.

That's part of my mind. I don't actually have any fruit.

Is this clue?

It's here we go. Thank you.

Only truth tellers will proceed. The mystic monk will let you pass when you

reveal your secret.

Reveal my secret? No problem. Here we go.

Oh, well, Tim is not my biological son.

No, it's... It was the late 80s, and your mother and I were in a very open,

romantic situation, and we had a lot of new friends at the time, and, well, a

lot of boundaries were crossed and taboos were broken.

But it was a very erotic time for everyone involved. Let me tell you about

Please don't, don't.

Why didn't that work with the man?

You just need to tell them the secret code on the parchment.

Oh,

that's Mexico.

Here are your tickets.

Oh, terrific.

Rock and roll, here we go, on our way to Mexico. Come on, puns.

Restaurant is a really good place for a first date because I think you can tell

a lot about a person from the way they treat their waiter.

Looking good.

Good to see.

All right, we've got two contestants AWOL. I need their location and I need

yesterday. We got this from CCTV.

It's a bit fuzzy, but it matches the description.

I need my glasses.

Where are my glasses?

Chief. Your glasses are missing. Yes, I know. I need a list of everywhere I've

been in the past two hours. Chief. Yes, needs her glasses. She knows.

Bravo team, I need you to get to my house and ransack absolutely every

room except the second top drawer in my bedroom. Thank you. Chief, your glasses.

Make me look smart. I know that, okay? Now, they're always in the last place I

look, all right? I'm going to need you to get me CCTV on the last place I look.

Get up. Get up. Get up. Computer.

Computer. Computer. She's not a computer.

That's her name. It's Rachel. It's not. It's Rachel.

Now, any more business for the small council? Yes, we have a Sir Kieran, who

a problem with his bins.

Not particularly.

What is it that you seek from the small council?

Oh, it's my bins.

Your bins?

Yeah, that's what I said, isn't it? Right, well, we don't really attend to

type of...

matter. So the problem is, right, my neighbour, that's Deborah, she's been

nicking my bins.

Like, so I've gone to the Gold Cloak and they said it was a council issue, so

now I'm talking to you lot. I just want to get it sorted.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no, we can get around this. Bins is good stuff. This is

really good stuff. So we're talking everything. We're talking general

we're talking recycling, and we're talking Dragon Way. The whole lot. Like,

green bins as well. Oh, what a nightmare.

Well, I gotcha.

I'm actually trying to get DA approval to build a new deck.

Well, approve your deck, we shall.

It's going to be good. It's got like a wood. What's that wood? What's that

hardwood? What's that hardwood? Mahogany? No, it wouldn't be a mahogany

deck. It wouldn't be a mahogany?

I wouldn't have thought.

If I can't see, I can't hunt. And the thing that sets me apart is that I use

both my eyes and my brain.

Stop mucking about.

Now, I need to get back to work. Alpha 1.

Alpha 1?

Where's my headset?

Where is it, mate?

You can't ask that.

Suspected murderer.

Okay, come on in, take a seat. Thank you for coming in.

Oh, no, it's a pleasure to be here. What is this show again?

So it's an episode of You Can't Ask That. The viewers can ask you sort of

question they want. Oh, well...

Happy to help, yeah.

So if you can just read out the question on the card when you're ready.

Did you, Declan John Calfley, of Baronia, Victoria, on the night of April

2017, dispose of the body of Paul S. Clegg in a dumpster behind a menswear

Um, yeah.

Well, it was more of a skip in than anything, but... Thank you. Thank you.

can take it from here.

Hey, g'day, mate.

Oh.

Today's game is tug of war.

Who seems wealthy?

Who are you?

Hello, Cathy from OH &S.

We've met at the Christmas party, I think.

I'm sorry, I'm just here checking boxes, so please carry on. I'm not even here.

Ignore me.

Today's game is tug of war.

Who seems wealthy? Sorry, can I just double check? Has anybody done the

safety module?

Have we all done it? Yes, we've all done the online safety module. If you

haven't, it's on the internet.

I just said we did it. Okay, thank you. Sorry.

Ignore me.

The teams will take one end of the rope each.

And is there a problem, Kathy? Sorry, I'm just... I'm not seeing a lot of

gloves, you know, and I've seen that before. Tug of war, no gloves. What do

get? Rope burn. So, safety first.

Did you know that rope burn accounts for 18 % of all tug of war injuries?

I did not know that. Well, you should know it. Trick question. It's in the

online module.

Got it.

and anyone's fun. I love fun.

Kathy loves fun. You know, I love fun as much as the next person, but I'm up to

my neck and pay the work. Up to my neck! So if we could just... Okay, can we get

some gloves?

Thank you.

In the meantime, I'll finish the rules. If I may, Kathy, I'm not even here.

Kings will tug the end of the rope from platforms right 25 metres in the air.

And the losing team will fall off into their death.

With SAS Australia.

Right, listen up.

Because I'm only going to say this once.

Do

I

make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

Shall we?

Fet fa!

Fetch me.

We're here in Tanya's beautiful backyard because Tanya needs a little bit of

help with her gardening. Now, if you look closely here... Oh, what is that?

Yep, that is a healthy young costa. Not yet sprouted. Now, what's better is when

you've got one, you've usually got more nearby.

Oh, my God, what are they? Now, all that's left to do is put down a little

of fertiliser and a sun shield, come back in a week and check on the

don't understand what is happening.

Oh,

it was just horrible.

Oh, I know it's hard, Mrs Busybody, but I do need you to try and remember what

happened last Tuesday. You never know what detail will crack the case.

I had just stepped outside to collect the mail and I... I... I

see.

Let me see if I have that right. You just stepped outside to collect the mail

and Richard is...

It's been a week, and now we're back here in Tanya's garden, where things are

going swimmingly. Aren't they, Tanya? Someone help me.

Help me, please.

Don't worry. You've got help.

You've got all the help you'll ever need.

You're watching Australia's favourite reality show, Lip Island.

Lip Island, where new boy Jaden with an 8 is entering the villa. What will the

girls make of it?

Impatient people.

After two sell -out seasons at Geelong Sports Club, your mum's friend

Sue goes back to where it all began with another not -flix special.

How are we doing out there tonight?

I can't hear you.

No, I actually, I can't hear you.

This one is completely gone.

You won't want to miss some of these classic rambling.

I'll tell you what, this is, this is, somebody should have a look at this

because that is, that's not safe, is it? Because it just goes up and down.

Pogo stick, isn't it? Critics have called it some of the most awful crowd

I've ever seen.

Now, he's looking after it, isn't he?

Because it was up -ski, down -ski before.

Just plain boring.

And what happened is, of course, the bus, it missed a stop.

Mr. Holst, it actually didn't affect the length of my journey at all. Your mum's

friends soon, round two. A very special event coming soon to NotClick. Good

night. Good night, everybody.

Do I leave this here, or do I take it with me? I'll take it with me.

It's debut season in old -timey England, and all the fair young ladies await a

proposal from one of society's most eligible beauties.

Mother, you know I wish to marry for love. Who is this Duke of Westinghouse,

anyway? Well, he's handsome, he's smooth, and worth a small fortune.

must you put this corset on quite so tightly? Well, you know what they say,

Daphne. If she breathes, he lives.

Now, how's that?

Grace,

beauty, and low -key...

Thofty, you truly are the season of diamonds.

I certainly feel as pressured as one, Mama. How can you make me do this? I

next to nothing about the Duke of... Westinghouse.

I'm lying.

I'm here at the double door.

I know.

How do you do?

Welcome.

to Fridgeton.

That's two votes for Andy and two votes for Steph.

The next vote will be the decider about who stays and who goes home.

Steph, I'm sorry, but the tribe has spoken. Which one of you voted for me?

Which one of you voted for me?

I have the foggiest idea, although I'm sure they had their reasons.

Welcome back to Small Desk, Big Boys. We've got the smallest desk and the

biggest boys.

Let's go around and meet some of these boys.

We've got Buffy.

We've got Rogan.

We've got Spud.

And we've got Big, Big Bongo.

And we've got a woman somewhere.

Where is she?

Welcome back to Pick Which Hand.

I'm here with Julie. She's from Bundaberg, and she's about to pick which

Could it be the left?

It could be.

But it could also be the right.

Oh, um... Julie, I'm going to need an answer.

I'm going to phone a friend.

Please.

We have Irene on the line. Hi, Irene, are you there?

Hi, Julia.

Hi, Irene, I need to pick a hand.

Oh. Oh, I'd just be guessing, Jules.

Five seconds, Irene.

Lift. Oh, no, no, no. No. Right.

Right. Right.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah,

I'll go with Irene and say right.

No. Oh, dear.

Good luck in your endeavours, Julie.

Could I please?

No.

Okay. This is the one. I can feel it. This.

I've got a good feeling.

Are you going to take the hat off? Are you one of those... Hat guys?

You bet. You're looking at a hat guy, baby.

OK. I can deal with that.

What about the glasses?

Can you... Oh, they're transitions lenses. They should sort themselves out

Great.

I'll get the uke out while we wait. Oh, um...

Julie, you've made a risotto, but it's a little bit more risotto.

Yes, Julie, your mushrooms didn't leave mushroom for anything else.

Ironically, the key herb was thyme, but you ran out

with yuck.

Julie, what do you have to say for yourself?

Um...

Did I mention it's my grandma's recipe?

Is she dead?

Well, no.

But she's old. Yeah, she's old.

She's very old.

Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about how old she is.

Take your time.

It's not statistically out of the question that she could die in the next

12 years.

She probably won't.

Because the women in my family do live quite long.

It's just really sad because we're really close. She basically raised me. I

lived with her growing up.

Not because I didn't live with my parents. I'm not an orphan. We just had

really large multi -story house with a lot of bedrooms.

So she lived with us. She had her own wing.

But we hung out every day and so we're close and she taught me to cook risotto.

Her maid taught me to cook risotto.

And I just hope when she does die that this risotto We'll make her proud.

It's really hard in reality TV when everyone you know is alive and well.

You don't get very far.

Well, Julie, this risotto was a war crime, but your sob story might have

you.

We really wanted to do simple food done right.

It's Nesquik and milk.

Susie's biggest new comedy is taking no prisoners.

We've just stopped you tonight for a random breakfast. This is on telly.

Am I on telly right now? Carla, I'm here.

I'm your telly. Well, she can't see you. It's not live.

In tonight's case, we just had a sober moron.

Brand new. We interrupt this broadcast next Tuesday, 7 .30.