Original subtitles

Check it out, Ruby.

I got a welcome cake from the new owner.

Ooh, a station.

Appreciate me. Uh, the cake.

Hey, Ruby, why are you upside down?

Oh, I was hanging a welcome banner for the new boss, and things just kind of

went bad from there.

Aw, a banner.

How cute.

I mean, it's not a cake, but... Hello, employees standing around doing nothing.

I'm Wilson, your new boss.

I'm Milo, your new dedicated employees.

just standing around here, excitedly waiting to greet you.

I meant to be earlier, but my unicycle caught a flat tire. Luckily, I had my

electric pogo stick.

Hi, I'm Ruby.

So nice to meet you.

You got cake everywhere.

New rule, no cake everywhere.

I don't like messy.

The cake was Milo's idea. I got you this welcome banner.

It looked a lot better before Milo's cake got all over it.

Listen, I know I'm your new boss, but I want you both to view me as your friend.

A friend that can fire you.

Just kidding.

Okay. No, I'm not.

Or am I?

That was not a good first impression.

I don't know. He seems kind of funny. And an electric pogo stick?

Not our first impression of him, his first impression of us.

Oh, yeah.

That wasn't so good.

Let's just try not to give him any more reasons to get mad at us.

Why are you brushing that elf's teeth?

Ruby and I took it upon ourselves to clean the entire store.

And I don't want this elf to get cavities.

But why do you care about cleaning now?

This place is always slovenly.

Messy.

Hey, y 'all!

Check it out. I came up with a revolutionary new way to put toppings on

Want olives?

No problem.

Pizza. Do you have pineapples?

Coming right up.

We're trying to clean up in here. Now the place is all slobbery again.

Slovenly. Whatever.

We have a new owner and he doesn't like messy. And I don't need to get in

trouble because of your kind of awesome pizza shooter.

Relax. It's not like he's going to fire you guys.

Fired? Who said anything about fired?

Maybe he'll just fire one of you.

If he asked me, I guess I'd tell him to fire Milo.

Aw, thanks, Ren.

Why would he even ask you?

Why would you say me?

Somebody's insecure.

Well, somebody should be upstairs at their parents' yoga studio instead of

hanging around here all day.

There's literally a zero percent chance of you getting fired.

Probably. You need to show the new boss that you're indispensable.

that I make it a point to read every single comic that comes into the store?

Why, are you supposed to be working?

Well, I also read every comic, but at home, not during work hours.

So you take store merchandise home?

Uh, hi, I'm Darby. I designed the Warp T -shirts, and I just want you to know

that if Milo and Ruby were to lose their job for some reason, I'd still happily

design shirts for you to sell.

Hey, they are beautiful shirts.

Everyone sells shirts.

I want to take things to the next level around here.

Challenge accepted.

I'll see you at the next level. I'll see you at the level after.

The next level. Okay, great.

Because I didn't make my fortune by playing it safe.

You know how I made my fortune?

No idea.

Farts.

Yeah, that's right. I invented AutoToot. The world's only app that allows you to

fartify any song.

No way!

Songs sound so much better when they're farts instead of music.

That's one opinion.

And I thought I liked Old MacDonald before.

I like this guy.

Who are you? Oh, I'm Hurley. I work upstairs at OK Pizza. Best pizza in the

mall. It's the only pizza in the mall.

Want a slice?

No, thank you.

I don't want any food that comes out of pants.

More for me.

Needs a little more sauce.

Maybe not that much.

I changed my mind.

I'm not very fond of you.

I've been here for two hours and it's been mess after mess.

How many more messes do you plan on making today?

We don't usually plan them. They usually just happen.

I don't like messing.

Clear.

That was not a good second impression.

Old MacDonald had a fart.

Sorry. It was stuck in my head.

What are you doing?

I'm supposed to carry this box to the back room, but I want Wilson to see me

it. Oh, look.

The new shipment is here.

Are you going to put it away or just stare at it?

Hey, Wilson, how's this for next level?

I've come up with a whole line of warped products, clothing, and accessories,

starting with this.

A warped fanny pack?

No, it's a superhero utility belt. You can put stuff in it, like handcuffs, a

grappling hook, air freshener.

Like a fanny pack.

No.

Superheroes don't wear fanny bags.

They wear utility belts.

Hey, cool fanny pack.

It's a utility belt.

Excuse me. Are you Milo? I'm Milo.

You must be Todd.

Todd has a Dr. Genesis 37 he's selling.

I convinced him to bring it to us instead of another store.

Oh, we are definitely interested in that.

How much do you want? Well, I know it's very rare, so it's got to be worth a lot

of money.

I'll be the expert judge of that.

Let's see.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Hmm. Uh -huh.

We'll give you $300 for it.

Forget it.

Thanks for wasting my time.

Great negotiating. We could have sold that for thousands and you just let that

guy walk away.

Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. He'll be back in three, two, one.

One and a half.

Okay, okay.

I'll take the 300.

But you guys are getting a very good deal.

Yeah, totally.

This fanny pack is great. Now I can take my homemade guacamole

with me anywhere.

It's a utility belt.

I did it. I made Wilson like me. Look what I got.

This is amazing.

It almost looks real.

And I negotiated a really sweet deal.

Wait, it almost looks what now?

It almost looks real. This is the best fake comic I've ever seen.

Fake? They didn't print comics on that kind of paper before 1986.

Yep, it's a fake comic. I just bought a fake comic for $300.

Why would you pay $300 for a fake comic?

Dude,

you got tricked into buying a fake comic. Yeah, if anyone should get fired,

should definitely be Milo.

a counterfeit. Even I can see that. And I still get fooled by the gotcha nose

trick.

That trick is for babies.

Gotcha nose.

Very funny.

My nose is still there, right?

Oh, this is bad.

If Wilson finds out I bought a fake comic, he'll fire me.

And I finally got him to like me. We were dancing and everything.

You danced? What?

Like a celebratory... Never mind.

Look, we just have to keep Wilson from finding out that Myla messed up. You

to replace the fraudulent comic with an authentic one.

You know how hard it's going to be to find a real one?

Well, until we do, we just need to keep this fake comic away from Wilson and

keep him from selling it.

There's my baby. We'll have the perfect place to display this.

I'm a seller that makes lots of money.

So much for that plan.

I'm fired.

What do you think?

I think it might be better if it was more like this.

This way customers notice it right when they walk in the door.

Or,

what if we put it way over

here?

But nobody can see it there. It's like buried treasure. Like a reward for

customers who really...

ideas that make sense.

We'll keep this over here.

Wilson, are you serious?

No way.

Is that a Dr. Jennifer's 37?

What? Where? Right behind you. I don't know what you're talking about.

Forget it.

be able to keep people from looking at that comic yeah that was a workout you

guys are not gonna believe this but i just got a phone call i believe it

get calls all the time no apparently there's a guy selling fake comics all

town oh no we would never ever never

get fooled especially not milo and especially not a second time not that

was a first time

Well, the first time. Or a second time.

Saved it.

You know, my friend Margo from back home was the victim of fraud once. She

thought she bought an English sheepdog.

Let me guess. It was an Australian shepherd.

No, it was actually a polar bear. It was seven years before she realized.

Hey, Milo, you're not going to believe it, but we found a bunch of Dr. Janice's

37s for sale. And Margo has a pet polar bear.

I don't know what a polar bear has to do with anything, but that comic's really

rare. Isn't it weird that there's so many copies for sale?

Not as weird as having a polar bear in your house for seven years.

Where did it poop?

Where didn't it poop?

Hey, the sellers all have different names, but the same IP address.

Which means they're all the same seller.

It's Todd, the guy that ripped us off.

I know what to do. Let's contact Todd and say we want to buy one.

Why would we want to buy another fake comic?

We're going to set a trap to catch this guy and get our money back.

Oh, yeah, that guy's going down.

I just sent a DM saying I'm interested in buying the comic.

He wrote back. He wrote back. He said,

cool.

He wants to know where to meet.

Well, it can't be here or he'll know something's up. How about the water

park? I love water slides.

How about Jamaica?

Oh, I've always wanted to go to Jamaica.

I just suggested okay pizza tomorrow at three.

He said thumbs up, smiley face!

Yes!

Okay. The surveillance cameras work.

And so do the microphones.

Now, where's Ruby? She's supposed to meet Todd in half an hour. Chill, bro.

Ruby? I don't know who Ruby is.

I'm Jake.

No, it's me.

You look great.

I picked out the outfit. I call it skater chic.

Well, I call it ridiculous.

The whole point of him meeting you and not me is he doesn't know you.

You didn't have to dress up as anything.

You don't think I can be convincing?

Relax, bro.

Listen,

we don't have a lot of time.

Darby and I will be down here watching everything that happens. We're going to

hide this mic and earbuds on you so we can communicate. And Hurley will be up

there in case you need help.

He should be awake by then.

Here's the exciting part. I've rigged a chair with a restraining device to trap

the criminal.

Once we film him handing you the comic book, we'll say the code word,

sauerkraut. I don't like sauerkraut.

How about donuts?

I like donuts.

How about the word circumlocution or grandiloquence?

Does it have to be a code word? How about a code number, like 13 ,983?

Or a code sound, like... We'll go with Donut,

okay?

After you hear us say Donut, you'll hit this button, activating the chair

restraint, and we'll trap the criminal. Then we can turn him into the police and

get our money back.

Got it.

Let's rock, bro.

Stop hitting me.

Testing, testing. Ruby, can you hear us?

No, because I'm not Ruby.

I'm Jake.

Okay, well, obviously you can hear us because you answered.

Jake?

Oh, there's a camera in here?

What? There's a camera? Where's the camera?

Please tell Harley to put the camera down and that there's something in his

teeth.

Oh, that's him.

The eagle has landed.

This guy? Yeah. And don't talk to me. He can hear you.

Bro, are you Jake?

That's right.

I'm just a dude named Jake.

I like playing in the mud and burping.

Okay.

So, you got the goods?

The comic?

Yeah.

Here we go. The fish is on the hook.

This is the best pizza in the mall. I came to try a couple slices of cheese.

Ideally ones that haven't been in your pants.

Now? You have to try it now.

Hey!

Don't I know you?

And where do I know you from?

just something so familiar about you.

Okay, here's your pizza on the house. You can go now. Now, go.

Oh, thanks, Hurley. I almost like you again.

Almost.

Wait, I know where I know you from.

You sold us that comic yesterday.

I, um... Thanks again.

Anytime you have a comic to sell, bring it in.

Right. Sure, I will.

Okay.

Now go.

There's something really familiar about you.

There you are, Wilson. You need to come downstairs quick. It's an emergency.

Oh, no. What is it? What is it? What is it? It's Darby.

Yeah, it's Darby.

I don't know how Hurley knows that, but Darby is trapped under a shelf.

Yup. Trapped under a shelf.

I'm trapped?

Under a what?

Don't worry, Darby. We're here.

You're trapped under... An elf.

Yep.

I'm trapped under an elf.

Milo, I thought you said she was trapped under a shelf.

No, I said elf.

Obviously, elf and shelf sound so similar that people somehow confuse the

This is better than a movie.

Here you go.

Thanks for handing me the comic book.

I now have the comic book.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Ruby,

I'm back.

I've got the comic.

Yeah, no, I know. Can I have my money now, please?

I'm not sure we got it on camera.

Hey, uh, bro to bro.

Can you hand me the comic again?

Should I help give you my money? Sure.

Yeah. Uh, here you go. Here's your Dr.

Genesis 37.

We got it!

Donut! Donut!

We got to sell him a fake comic and you're going to jail!

Wait, what?

I'm getting out of here. You're not going -

Oh, I've always wanted to say that.

You can't stop me.

Darby, do you have anything in your fanny pack that could help us stop him?

I don't have a fanny pack, but I can check my utility belt.

How about some air freshener? Oh, perfect.

we got the store's money back and used it to buy this authentic copy of Dr.

Genesis 37, which I was able to get for cheap from one of my connections.

So you knew that this comic was fake the whole time?

Of course. We were just setting up that whole situation to catch that guy.

Why didn't you tell me what was going on?

We had to keep it a secret to protect you and not compromise the mission.

I am very impressed with you two.

That's some next level stuff.

So you're not going to fire us? Or just Milo?

What? No.

Why would you say that?

Because you said to think of you as someone who could fire us. No, I said to

think of me as a friend.

See, I told you.

Who could also fire you?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go home and feed my Venus flytrap.

If she doesn't eat by four, she gets hangry.

Is that a jetpack?

Yep. I can't remember where I parked my pogo stick.

How fast does it go?

And how high?

Oh, it doesn't actually work.

There's no such thing as a jet pack.

Yet.

Until then, I'm just going to run home and pretend.

Wilson, away!

Interesting guy.

I can't believe this fake, worthless comic caused us so much trouble.

We should get rid of it so it can't cause any more problems.

This is a real one, isn't it?

It was.

Do you have any tape?