Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Sit.

Stop that. Stop that.

Stop that.

Is he all right? Oh, good.

I've got my dog in the dressing room. He's a one -man dog. Only bites me.

Have I got time for more?

I'll say to him, attack, and he has one.

Stop that, stop that, stop that.

Go on, sit, sit down, sit down.

He took a big lump with my knee once. A friend of mine said, did you put

anything on it? I said, no, he liked it as it was.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

My next door neighbour said to me, he said, we've got to get rid of that dog.

said, why?

He said, he keeps chasing people on a bicycle.

I said, well, take his bike away.

Light bulb.

Heavy bulb.

Heavy

bulb.

Here's a little trick I picked up. I don't know who dropped it.

Blue there, white spots.

White there were blue spots.

Inside here...

We have a blue handkerchief dyed white.

And a white handkerchief dyed blue.

And inside here is just a brown empty bag.

So now the spots are inside.

Now what I'm going to do is this.

I put the both handkerchiefs out there like that.

To a zzzz of hazard.

Blue handkerchief, which is now white.

Be pressed, I will.

And here's the white handkerchief, now blue.

And now, I'll put it back inside the bag again.

And now I shall make some spots come on each handkerchief. Spots on each

handkerchief.

I don't know what it means.

I don't. I saw it on the tin side of these ones.

Now, here we have the white handkerchief with white spots.

I do. I put them in there again like that.

Now here's the blue handkerchief.

What happened then? What happened?

Did somebody else come on?

It's the blue handkerchief with white spots.

She'll do the full act and I won't cut anything at all.

And here's the white handkerchief with blue spots.

Wait a minute, there's a spot missing.

There is a spot missing.

As I say in France, good evening.

Tonight, this duck and me are going to show you how to make a duck omelette.

Right, away you go.

That's it. Look at that. Lovely.

See, it was worth all the rehearsals, wasn't it?

I kept telling you, didn't I?

Now, I'm going to break this duck's egg into the bowl.

What do you think happens to the eggs you lay?

You've got to lay them, haven't you?

I mean, what else can you do with them?

All right, all right, don't upset yourself. I'll tell you what I'll do.

next week's recipe instead.

Roast duck.

Roast D -U -C -K.

What about that? A duck that can spell.

All right, now, there's nothing personal in this.

I've got my living to make, haven't I?

Now, if you could be so kind, just step into that baking tin.

Just hop in.

Any time you like.

Just creep in there.

Go ahead.

Now, you can either pluck it up or not.

It all depends whether you like feathers in your gravy.

In you go, then.

Are you still thinking about it? Right, in you go.

Well, why are you thinking about it? I told you what I'd do. I'd repair the

sauce.

Orange sauce with real oranges.

Because you can't have roast duck without orange sauce.

I knew you were going to do that.

See?

I've got some more hair left.

Already done.

See what I mean?

Right, here we go. Now, I'll tell you what we do now. We get the soup.

Now, you add parsley, sage, and a little thyme.

That's for people who like seconds.

You like that, don't you?

Right, now then, and also some wine. See, now, a lot of people like dry wine.

But I prefer a wet one.

Turfs, that's good too, turfs.

Right, now then. And also, there you add the salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper.

Salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper.

a happy mob was there.

The bars and tables were crowded and lots of noise filled the air.

In the middle of all this gaiety, the door banged a little wide, a torn and

tattered tramp walked in.

Happy to hear, folks, he cried.

The crowd just looked at him and laughed and some began to jeer.

But a sailor, standing at the bar, said, Shiver Hoyer, mate, have a beer.

Oh, thank you, son, the tramp replied.

The beer and me are through.

I'll never touch a drop again.

But I'll split a bottle of rum with you.

Then up jumped a baker.

You had to be there.

Said, throw him out, he cried.

He contaminates the air.

That's harsh words, friend, the sailor said.

The baker said, so what?

And Carver said, are you able to be shot?

Are you able to be shot?

I won't be a second.

Oh, yes.

Then, up jumped the soldier. I said, this ain't no time to fight.

The sailor said, you're right.

And the baker said, well, all right.

Then, up jumped a woman.

And stared at the tram. His goodness, his tramsy crab of fright. And her face

went white.

Who's Sam?

A farmer said.

The tram, where's the tram?

Replied. I'm Sammy, cried, and that painted woman is my promised bride.

Lush, don't make me laugh.

No, don't make me laugh.

The truck, the... The farmer said, you cannot wave that horse.

Why not, replied the truck.

We never were divorced.

It's a lie!

The woman shouted.

It's the truth.

The trunk yelled out.

Hold everything.

Yes.

Said the soldier.

And the farmer said, ooh.

You can pat it as a bit. You can pat it.

It's very hard.

I'm going to cut my head off and just pat it or something.

You can cut your head wide open with that.

And the fireman said, I'll kill that pup.

Oh! Ah!

A tough guy, said a pilot.

It was so good.

The cowboy hit the fireman and the fireman hit the floor.

He got up straight away, looked at the woman and said, that was a mug for you

fall. And then he hit her.

gosh, he screamed.

And then the fight was free for all.

In rusted Frenchman.

A little schoolboy.

I don't even know who that is.

Then all of a sudden they heard a policeman's whistle.

They heard a policeman's whistle.

They heard a policeman's whistle.

Isn't that marvellous, eh?

That's all he had to do.

And he's wearing makeup as well.

And the policeman came in and pissed the whole damn bunch.

Come on!

Now, Milton Keynes.

Thank you.

I'm wearing my tears tonight.

Do you like them?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this prick now I'm going to show you is

dangerous.

I could break my neck doing this.

So if I meet with an accident, I'd like to take my applause now.

I'm not going to break my neck for that.

I'm going to have to put you in the saloon, Rabbit.

Hocus pocus, fishpones chokers.

Hocus pocus, fishpones chokers.

Hocus pocus,

fishpones chokers.

It's been in my family for years and years and years.

Please.

What was I talking about?

It's been in my family for years and years and years.

Keep it up.

This could drive me insane.

This was handed down to me by my great -grandfather. A genuine, genuine miracle

stone.

It is.

Genuine. Look, I'll show you. Look at this.

It's written out with a little handkerchief. Watch it very, very

I just place the handkerchief like this.

And then

you

add some mushrooms.

Now, I'll give you a little tip.

So how you can tell the difference between mushrooms and toast.

As I've told Stools, everybody drops dead after dinner.

Now, we've got the soup and we've got the sauce.

So we put the soup on the high guy and the sauce on the low guy.

You still thinking about it?

All right. Well, I told you.

We'll prepare the dessert, which is a pizza prize.

Because they're made of pineapple.

And you add the top of the milk.

Are you going to get me there or not?

You're driving me mad now, I'm telling you that.

But I can get mad.

South Asian flour.

I'll tell you what we'll do now.

We'll go back to the main dish.

Not there.

Roast pork.

It's not roast pork.

It's roast duck.

No, no, everything's ready except you.

Everything is ready except you.

snooze. Go on. Go to sleep, my baby.

Close the big blue eyes.

When you're sweetly dreaming, you'll get a big surprise.

What's the matter with you? I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll have roast chicken instead. Roast chicken.

From his empty top hat here like this, I shall produce an elephant.

Just cover it there like that.

Now, you must admit, it's taken a lot of magic to do this.

Anyway, this one's a little bit small to do this trick.

Sir, a larger one there, please.

What I'm going to do is this.

I'm going to... What am I going to do?

What are you going to do? I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to tap this top hat three times lightly.

We'll just save it.