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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s02e06 Coopers Kitchen

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:41,919 --> 00:00:42,919 Thank you. 2 00:00:43,140 --> 00:00:44,140 Thank you. 3 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:49,120 Sit. 4 00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,860 Stop that. Stop that. 5 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:01,640 Stop that. 6 00:01:04,379 --> 00:01:07,440 Is he all right? Oh, good. 7 00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:11,710 I've got my dog in the dressing room. He's a one -man dog. Only bites me. 8 00:01:16,730 --> 00:01:18,570 Have I got time for more? 9 00:01:27,690 --> 00:01:29,050 I'll say to him, attack, and he has one. 10 00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:34,950 Stop that, stop that, stop that. 11 00:01:36,070 --> 00:01:37,390 Go on, sit, sit down, sit down. 12 00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:42,580 He took a big lump with my knee once. A friend of mine said, did you put 13 00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:44,120 anything on it? I said, no, he liked it as it was. 14 00:01:50,140 --> 00:01:51,880 Oh, dear, oh, dear. 15 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,700 My next door neighbour said to me, he said, we've got to get rid of that dog. 16 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,119 said, why? 17 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,520 He said, he keeps chasing people on a bicycle. 18 00:01:59,140 --> 00:02:00,200 I said, well, take his bike away. 19 00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:16,340 Light bulb. 20 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,400 Heavy bulb. 21 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:22,720 Heavy 22 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:30,480 bulb. 23 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,480 Here's a little trick I picked up. I don't know who dropped it. 24 00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,880 Blue there, white spots. 25 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,280 White there were blue spots. 26 00:02:42,860 --> 00:02:43,940 Inside here... 27 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:46,700 We have a blue handkerchief dyed white. 28 00:02:51,740 --> 00:02:53,380 And a white handkerchief dyed blue. 29 00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:59,100 And inside here is just a brown empty bag. 30 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:00,920 So now the spots are inside. 31 00:03:02,380 --> 00:03:03,620 Now what I'm going to do is this. 32 00:03:07,300 --> 00:03:09,080 I put the both handkerchiefs out there like that. 33 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,960 To a zzzz of hazard. 34 00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:26,660 Blue handkerchief, which is now white. 35 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:36,780 Be pressed, I will. 36 00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:38,600 And here's the white handkerchief, now blue. 37 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:44,460 And now, I'll put it back inside the bag again. 38 00:03:50,380 --> 00:03:53,660 And now I shall make some spots come on each handkerchief. Spots on each 39 00:03:53,660 --> 00:03:54,660 handkerchief. 40 00:04:06,839 --> 00:04:07,839 I don't know what it means. 41 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,800 I don't. I saw it on the tin side of these ones. 42 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,100 Now, here we have the white handkerchief with white spots. 43 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,380 I do. I put them in there again like that. 44 00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:41,740 Now here's the blue handkerchief. 45 00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:48,540 What happened then? What happened? 46 00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:51,820 Did somebody else come on? 47 00:04:55,780 --> 00:04:57,360 It's the blue handkerchief with white spots. 48 00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:10,970 She'll do the full act and I won't cut anything at all. 49 00:05:14,870 --> 00:05:17,890 And here's the white handkerchief with blue spots. 50 00:05:24,750 --> 00:05:26,030 Wait a minute, there's a spot missing. 51 00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,610 There is a spot missing. 52 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,760 As I say in France, good evening. 53 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:03,120 Tonight, this duck and me are going to show you how to make a duck omelette. 54 00:06:06,940 --> 00:06:07,940 Right, away you go. 55 00:06:10,660 --> 00:06:11,720 That's it. Look at that. Lovely. 56 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:16,300 See, it was worth all the rehearsals, wasn't it? 57 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,560 I kept telling you, didn't I? 58 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,040 Now, I'm going to break this duck's egg into the bowl. 59 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,580 What do you think happens to the eggs you lay? 60 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,320 You've got to lay them, haven't you? 61 00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:33,920 I mean, what else can you do with them? 62 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,760 All right, all right, don't upset yourself. I'll tell you what I'll do. 63 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:41,980 next week's recipe instead. 64 00:06:42,580 --> 00:06:43,580 Roast duck. 65 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:49,580 Roast D -U -C -K. 66 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,820 What about that? A duck that can spell. 67 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,380 All right, now, there's nothing personal in this. 68 00:06:57,660 --> 00:06:58,660 I've got my living to make, haven't I? 69 00:06:59,020 --> 00:07:01,880 Now, if you could be so kind, just step into that baking tin. 70 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,260 Just hop in. 71 00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:10,620 Any time you like. 72 00:07:11,540 --> 00:07:12,560 Just creep in there. 73 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,000 Go ahead. 74 00:07:17,460 --> 00:07:19,540 Now, you can either pluck it up or not. 75 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,780 It all depends whether you like feathers in your gravy. 76 00:07:28,870 --> 00:07:29,870 In you go, then. 77 00:07:30,430 --> 00:07:32,090 Are you still thinking about it? Right, in you go. 78 00:07:33,390 --> 00:07:35,370 Well, why are you thinking about it? I told you what I'd do. I'd repair the 79 00:07:35,370 --> 00:07:36,369 sauce. 80 00:07:36,370 --> 00:07:38,130 Orange sauce with real oranges. 81 00:07:38,870 --> 00:07:42,310 Because you can't have roast duck without orange sauce. 82 00:07:48,350 --> 00:07:49,490 I knew you were going to do that. 83 00:07:50,490 --> 00:07:51,490 See? 84 00:07:51,630 --> 00:07:52,630 I've got some more hair left. 85 00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:55,050 Already done. 86 00:07:55,070 --> 00:07:56,070 See what I mean? 87 00:07:56,740 --> 00:08:00,080 Right, here we go. Now, I'll tell you what we do now. We get the soup. 88 00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:08,060 Now, you add parsley, sage, and a little thyme. 89 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,740 That's for people who like seconds. 90 00:08:17,740 --> 00:08:18,740 You like that, don't you? 91 00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:25,540 Right, now then, and also some wine. See, now, a lot of people like dry wine. 92 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:26,880 But I prefer a wet one. 93 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:32,600 Turfs, that's good too, turfs. 94 00:08:34,580 --> 00:08:41,580 Right, now then. And also, there you add the salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper. 95 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:43,840 Salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper. 96 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:00,400 a happy mob was there. 97 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:03,680 The bars and tables were crowded and lots of noise filled the air. 98 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:08,420 In the middle of all this gaiety, the door banged a little wide, a torn and 99 00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:09,720 tattered tramp walked in. 100 00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:12,420 Happy to hear, folks, he cried. 101 00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:17,240 The crowd just looked at him and laughed and some began to jeer. 102 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,800 But a sailor, standing at the bar, said, Shiver Hoyer, mate, have a beer. 103 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,060 Oh, thank you, son, the tramp replied. 104 00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:28,930 The beer and me are through. 105 00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,090 I'll never touch a drop again. 106 00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:33,110 But I'll split a bottle of rum with you. 107 00:09:35,130 --> 00:09:36,270 Then up jumped a baker. 108 00:09:37,070 --> 00:09:38,070 You had to be there. 109 00:09:38,790 --> 00:09:40,330 Said, throw him out, he cried. 110 00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:41,730 He contaminates the air. 111 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,710 That's harsh words, friend, the sailor said. 112 00:09:45,630 --> 00:09:46,970 The baker said, so what? 113 00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:52,010 And Carver said, are you able to be shot? 114 00:09:56,050 --> 00:09:57,150 Are you able to be shot? 115 00:10:16,150 --> 00:10:17,250 I won't be a second. 116 00:10:20,270 --> 00:10:21,270 Oh, yes. 117 00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:25,670 Then, up jumped the soldier. I said, this ain't no time to fight. 118 00:10:27,530 --> 00:10:28,770 The sailor said, you're right. 119 00:10:31,230 --> 00:10:33,050 And the baker said, well, all right. 120 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,390 Then, up jumped a woman. 121 00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:45,970 And stared at the tram. His goodness, his tramsy crab of fright. And her face 122 00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:46,970 went white. 123 00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:48,530 Who's Sam? 124 00:10:48,810 --> 00:10:49,990 A farmer said. 125 00:10:52,870 --> 00:10:54,710 The tram, where's the tram? 126 00:10:56,010 --> 00:11:00,160 Replied. I'm Sammy, cried, and that painted woman is my promised bride. 127 00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,180 Lush, don't make me laugh. 128 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,900 No, don't make me laugh. 129 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:11,160 The truck, the... The farmer said, you cannot wave that horse. 130 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,820 Why not, replied the truck. 131 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,400 We never were divorced. 132 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:22,440 It's a lie! 133 00:11:23,780 --> 00:11:24,920 The woman shouted. 134 00:11:26,010 --> 00:11:27,010 It's the truth. 135 00:11:27,170 --> 00:11:28,370 The trunk yelled out. 136 00:11:29,050 --> 00:11:30,050 Hold everything. 137 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,590 Yes. 138 00:11:32,810 --> 00:11:33,810 Said the soldier. 139 00:11:34,330 --> 00:11:36,250 And the farmer said, ooh. 140 00:11:46,230 --> 00:11:48,090 You can pat it as a bit. You can pat it. 141 00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:50,210 It's very hard. 142 00:11:51,030 --> 00:11:53,050 I'm going to cut my head off and just pat it or something. 143 00:11:54,860 --> 00:11:56,540 You can cut your head wide open with that. 144 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,720 And the fireman said, I'll kill that pup. 145 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,560 Oh! Ah! 146 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,560 A tough guy, said a pilot. 147 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,500 It was so good. 148 00:12:13,260 --> 00:12:18,420 The cowboy hit the fireman and the fireman hit the floor. 149 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,520 He got up straight away, looked at the woman and said, that was a mug for you 150 00:12:22,520 --> 00:12:24,160 fall. And then he hit her. 151 00:12:24,810 --> 00:12:25,810 gosh, he screamed. 152 00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:30,890 And then the fight was free for all. 153 00:12:31,530 --> 00:12:32,570 In rusted Frenchman. 154 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:34,610 A little schoolboy. 155 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:36,630 I don't even know who that is. 156 00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,150 Then all of a sudden they heard a policeman's whistle. 157 00:12:43,090 --> 00:12:44,470 They heard a policeman's whistle. 158 00:12:45,410 --> 00:12:46,770 They heard a policeman's whistle. 159 00:12:48,630 --> 00:12:49,670 Isn't that marvellous, eh? 160 00:12:51,050 --> 00:12:52,090 That's all he had to do. 161 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:55,380 And he's wearing makeup as well. 162 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,480 And the policeman came in and pissed the whole damn bunch. 163 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:04,720 Come on! 164 00:13:38,220 --> 00:13:39,360 Now, Milton Keynes. 165 00:14:12,460 --> 00:14:13,460 Thank you. 166 00:14:45,310 --> 00:14:46,410 I'm wearing my tears tonight. 167 00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,190 Do you like them? 168 00:14:57,690 --> 00:15:02,130 And now, ladies and gentlemen, this prick now I'm going to show you is 169 00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:03,130 dangerous. 170 00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:06,010 I could break my neck doing this. 171 00:15:08,030 --> 00:15:12,710 So if I meet with an accident, I'd like to take my applause now. 172 00:15:22,030 --> 00:15:23,350 I'm not going to break my neck for that. 173 00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:27,590 I'm going to have to put you in the saloon, Rabbit. 174 00:15:29,490 --> 00:15:31,790 Hocus pocus, fishpones chokers. 175 00:15:33,570 --> 00:15:34,650 Hocus pocus, fishpones chokers. 176 00:15:35,650 --> 00:15:37,070 Hocus pocus, 177 00:15:37,890 --> 00:15:42,830 fishpones chokers. 178 00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,330 It's been in my family for years and years and years. 179 00:15:53,770 --> 00:15:54,770 Please. 180 00:16:00,710 --> 00:16:01,850 What was I talking about? 181 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:06,810 It's been in my family for years and years and years. 182 00:16:09,270 --> 00:16:10,270 Keep it up. 183 00:16:15,870 --> 00:16:17,230 This could drive me insane. 184 00:16:19,180 --> 00:16:24,000 This was handed down to me by my great -grandfather. A genuine, genuine miracle 185 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,000 stone. 186 00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:26,340 It is. 187 00:16:26,740 --> 00:16:28,240 Genuine. Look, I'll show you. Look at this. 188 00:16:35,460 --> 00:16:37,860 It's written out with a little handkerchief. Watch it very, very 189 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,440 I just place the handkerchief like this. 190 00:17:06,089 --> 00:17:06,890 And then 191 00:17:06,890 --> 00:17:13,690 you 192 00:17:13,690 --> 00:17:14,690 add some mushrooms. 193 00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:17,930 Now, I'll give you a little tip. 194 00:17:18,510 --> 00:17:21,050 So how you can tell the difference between mushrooms and toast. 195 00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:25,190 As I've told Stools, everybody drops dead after dinner. 196 00:17:28,190 --> 00:17:31,130 Now, we've got the soup and we've got the sauce. 197 00:17:31,670 --> 00:17:35,910 So we put the soup on the high guy and the sauce on the low guy. 198 00:17:42,230 --> 00:17:43,370 You still thinking about it? 199 00:17:43,910 --> 00:17:45,630 All right. Well, I told you. 200 00:17:46,350 --> 00:17:50,110 We'll prepare the dessert, which is a pizza prize. 201 00:17:50,989 --> 00:17:52,590 Because they're made of pineapple. 202 00:17:57,970 --> 00:17:59,850 And you add the top of the milk. 203 00:18:09,350 --> 00:18:11,510 Are you going to get me there or not? 204 00:18:13,470 --> 00:18:15,150 You're driving me mad now, I'm telling you that. 205 00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:17,410 But I can get mad. 206 00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:41,970 South Asian flour. 207 00:18:50,670 --> 00:18:51,730 I'll tell you what we'll do now. 208 00:18:52,350 --> 00:18:54,330 We'll go back to the main dish. 209 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:58,570 Not there. 210 00:18:58,630 --> 00:18:59,630 Roast pork. 211 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:00,790 It's not roast pork. 212 00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:02,350 It's roast duck. 213 00:19:02,910 --> 00:19:04,550 No, no, everything's ready except you. 214 00:19:05,070 --> 00:19:06,630 Everything is ready except you. 215 00:19:33,070 --> 00:19:38,450 snooze. Go on. Go to sleep, my baby. 216 00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:42,390 Close the big blue eyes. 217 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:48,590 When you're sweetly dreaming, you'll get a big surprise. 218 00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,030 What's the matter with you? I'll tell you what we'll do. 219 00:19:55,330 --> 00:19:57,110 We'll have roast chicken instead. Roast chicken. 220 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,420 From his empty top hat here like this, I shall produce an elephant. 221 00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,180 Just cover it there like that. 222 00:20:17,980 --> 00:20:20,040 Now, you must admit, it's taken a lot of magic to do this. 223 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,020 Anyway, this one's a little bit small to do this trick. 224 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,960 Sir, a larger one there, please. 225 00:20:44,450 --> 00:20:45,450 What I'm going to do is this. 226 00:20:50,170 --> 00:20:55,110 I'm going to... What am I going to do? 227 00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:58,470 What are you going to do? I'll tell you what I'm going to do. 228 00:20:59,950 --> 00:21:02,090 I'm going to tap this top hat three times lightly. 229 00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:25,910 We'll just save it. 15950