Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night.

There's a new trolley I'll show you now. It's a very famous... You know what?

It's a great joke.

Now, I must tell you this. I want to hear it myself. Now, listen.

It's about the faith healer.

And he said to this man, he said, how's your brother?

And he said, he's ill.

And the faith healer said, no, no, no.

He only thinks he's ill. He said, no, he's ill.

He looks ill. He looks ill.

He said, no.

He said, I'm telling you, he looks ill. I looked at him the other day. He looks

ill.

So two weeks later, he met him again. He said, how's your brother?

He said, he thinks he's dead.

There's the trick now.

Look at that, I'm leaking.

Here's the trick now with the packed cards.

I shall do this trick in a minute, and after that I shall do pat -a -pat -a

-a -pat -a.

Then a little bit more pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

And then it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

See, now do that trick over there, then after that it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a

-pat -a -pat.

And then, it's all about this big tall man with a little girl, see?

And they're walking along the street like that, and he says, pat -a -pat -a

-a to her, see?

And she goes, oh, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat.

And he goes, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

And the end of it, listen to this.

He goes, ha -ha -ha.

I wish I wasn't doing it.

Don't listen to the end of it.

And he said, See?

And then he said, When you come to the umbrella, it's mine.

It took me 15 years to do this trick.

15 years of self -denial.

And hard work. 50 years. I'm going to spread them all along here like that and

then catch them like that.

All along there like that. That's to catch them like that.

50 years it's taken me to do this.

Oh, my teeth itch.

50 years wasted.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, all I really want to say at

point is that, owing to building reconstruction, I'm afraid I've had to

the Ray Allen School of Ventriloquism.

Now, please, it's only going to be for about six months.

But I must ask those of you at home, my pupils who are watching, will you please

carry on with your lessons, keep practising, because as soon as we're

reopen, I'll notify you. So don't worry. Only for six months. All right?

Thank you.

Ray? What is it?

What's the matter?

That's terrible, closing your skull down, isn't it?

What? Well, I'm right in the middle of your course.

You can't leave me like this.

Like what?

Well, talking with two mouths.

That's right, you tell him, Tom. I did tell him.

Well, I didn't hear.

Well, listen next time.

I was listening.

Oh, shut up.

What an advert for my school.

It was good, wasn't it?

Are you a fully paid -up member? Yes.

It was excellent.

Brilliant! Did you hear that? Yes, I heard that.

You can't see my lips, can you?

No. No, no, your lips are fantastic.

Yes. Actually, Tom, I tell you what, take the weight off your feet. Sit there

minute. All right, yes.

Because your lips are really quite remarkable.

There's only one thing. May I just make a suggestion?

Yes, yes. Your lips are motionless. Shut up, he's not talking. I'm talking to

him.

Yes.

Your lips are motionless. Yes. But you must try and stop your face from moving

either side of them.

That's all.

I think it's an all right liberty.

It's not my fault, is it? You closed your school.

I mean, I was going to make it a part of my act.

You weren't, were you? Yes, I was.

Well, let's face it. Your progress has been a bit slow, hasn't it? I mean,

it took me 12 months to teach you to say, got in the gear for a bottle of

Well, it's not easy, is it?

Am I right? Yes.

Took me... Well, stop ad -libbing. Yeah, stop it.

I wouldn't care, but it took me six months to... Get off!

Oh, leave my... I've got my thumb for you.

Sorry. It took me six months to teach you to say bottle of beer, and that was

without the dummy.

Well, it's all right for you, isn't it? I mean, you've had your appendix out.

What's it got to do with it? I don't know.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll teach you the pièce de résistance of all ventriloquists. Yes.

how to sing a song and drink a bottle of gear at the same time.

Is that right?

Yeah. Do you like that? Yes, all right. All right.

Okay, now make sure the dummy's comfortable.

That's the main thing.

All right. My thumb's getting dead raw in there.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Making the club room.

You can't leave it like that!

Goodness me, come and sit down. You can't leave an inanimate object. Put it

your lap. What do you mean, then? They don't see it like that. No?

These people have got to believe he's real.

The whole point of the thing. You're going to kill the illusion.

Let them see him lying there. Just nothing. No movement.

Oh, all right. All right.

Yes. All right. Yes. Oh, God.

I don't know. Yes, yes. All right. Sorry about that.

There's a guardsman on sentry, you see.

He's on guard duty.

And it's about four o 'clock in the morning. It's very dark.

He's got the rifle there.

And

he's

standing there about four o 'clock in the morning.

Very dark.

And he falls asleep.

Now, that's a crime, isn't it?

I mean, they can put him aside for that.

Straight away.

So he's standing there asleep like that.

Not like that, like that.

Just standing there.

And all of a sudden, the sergeant major comes round with the only officer.

Marshal like that.

And now he's standing right in front of him.

And there he is asleep.

And there's the sergeant major like that.

But all of a sudden, he just opens his eyes just a little bit like that.

Not much, just a little bit like that.

And you can see him standing there, you see.

So he's got to think quick now, hasn't he?

Yeah, otherwise he's got to be inside.

So he stands like that for a few minutes.

And he opens his eyes, he says, Amen.

I'd like to give you a typical impression of a man, an old man about

a holiday.

On a holiday, and he thinks he's about 20.

We all do, don't we?

And he goes down to the beach, to the pool like this.

And he said, the laugh, hello, hello, he says.

Where's all the girls then?

What, they're not here yet?

Oh, dear.

And the other one is about the show -off.

The one on the high board, the diamond board, the very high diamond board, the

show -off. There's always one.

I'd like to do this month's mystery movie.

And I call it a mystery movie because I don't know what I'm going to do.

Until I do it.

Oh, yes, I know what it is.

It's that very old classic, as you see in the films, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

And I play all the three parts.

Now, you know, it's a story of a man that takes a drink and he turns ugly and

nasty.

You know what I mean, Dick?

He's ugly and nasty, but not unusual.

The very nice Dr. Jekyll.

That's nice, isn't it?

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Hello, Mrs.

Blinkistop. How are you today?

Nice, nice, nice, nice.

A little bit nice here, a little bit nice there.

What? You feel a little bit run down. That's because you lack iron.

Now, I want you to go home and eat some nail sandwiches.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

And throw a few nuts and bowls in as well.

I say goodbye, Mrs. Blinkerson. Goodbye, now.

And now to enjoy myself.

I can feel I'm faint.

My hands!

My hands! Where are my hands?

Oh, there they are.

I'm just nervous, that's all.

What is it?

Evil, evil, evil.

Evil. Another patient.

They mustn't see me like this.

I must hide.

I'm telling him to see it through, isn't it?

I've got it!

Ah! Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Wait a minute, I'm changing.

I'm changing.

One more drink.

I'll feel better now.

I'm back to my old self.

The time of Dr.

Jethro.

Jethro.

What's that?

The last patient's gone home?

Why'd you say so?

Why'd you tell me even when... Oh,

yes,

why do you say so?

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Nice, nice.

One drink for the road.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah.

What?

Who's speaking? It's me.

Evil, evil. Dr. Hinkle. Huckle.

No.

Who? I don't know who I am now.

We're going to sing it.

See?

And I'll give you a gloppy key at the same time.

All right? We'll sing My Mother's Eyes together with a gloppy key at the same

time.

One bright and guiding light.

I drink and I sing at the same time.

That's the whole point.

The whole point? I don't like beer.

How about a whiskey? Give me a whiskey. All right.

You all right, son?

Look at me, son.

Whiskey, now, this time, remember that you do the drinking and the singing.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Right, here we go, then.

One bright and guiding light.

What do you think you're doing?

You don't do it like that.

I'm sorry.

You bring a lump to my throat.

Look, Tommy, I'll try and explain it to you. Yes.

You hold the glass like that. You put the glass to your lips. Now you start

drinking while you're singing and they all applaud as soon as the glass is

because they realise what a clever thing you've done.

OK, right, go ahead.

Do you want to go ahead? What?

Do it.

I don't know my mother's eyes.

Oh, I'll do it then.

Could you hold him? He's not in this. Right.

Now, watch this.

Thank you.

Thank you.