Original subtitles

Bye. Bye. Oh,

don't cry.

I'll tell you.

My wife had her face lifted last week.

But it's not high enough. I can still see it.

Plastic tray.

Full glass cup.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What am I shouting at?

this you see i threw this with water once under there look and that one there

and step on there and that one there

it'll

never sell now i put the plastic tray on there like that now the trick is this

Now, these eggs are so fresh, the hens haven't missed them yet.

Now, I'd like some here at random.

Mr. Random.

Would you point at any egg you like? Which egg would you like?

This one.

Why that one?

Why not that one? This one?

All right.

Now, what I'm going to do...

egg to show you that it's genuine.

Now, what I do is this.

I take one tube there, one tube there, put it on there like that, and the other

tube there.

So that's four tubes of four glasses.

And I get four fresh eggs.

Now, I can't break these, otherwise I'll have no trick left.

So we assume they're all right.

I place one there.

One on there.

What I have to do, you see, I've got the water in it to break the fall of the

eggs.

And what I do, I should go like that, see?

Or I may go like that, I don't know.

Thank you.

And the idea... What?

Yes, all right.

I'll do it in a minute.

And the idea, the trick is this. I go like that.

And the tray goes over there.

And the eggs... They're supposed

to go into the glasses.

And I want to know why it hasn't worked.

Just like that.

I'd like to point out that you are a direct line of fire.

If I got one egg in, it'd still be a good trick, wouldn't it?

Yes? It would, wouldn't it?

And I'd like to tell you... I'll give you a little tip.

If one or two of these eggs fly out... If they fly out, see, just catch them

like that.

Not like that, because it was all over.

Bring out your suspects. Right, well, if you'd kindly sit down over here, Miss

Pringle. I shall recognise the filthy beast. I shall know his evil face

anywhere. Yes, I'm sure you will, Miss Pringle.

Cousin, will you bring in the suspects, please?

Thank you.

Now, we've got a very interesting list of suspects here for you, Miss Pringle.

The first one is Harry the Flash.

He hangs around dark alleyways and unlit roadways and such like.

Would you please bring in Harry the Flash?

Here I come.

Come on. Come on.

Hey, don't start me. I don't know.

Come on.

He's got me right in the throat.

I don't know.

Don't start that on me.

Hold that.

Now, you can see, Miss Brindley, he's a very undesirable character, Ian.

He never washes.

Well, then it's certainly not the man.

No. Now, would you please bring in the next suspect, Constable?

No. Bring in Charles St.

John Backwater. What are you going to ask for? Just get off. Get off.

Now, the... What's that? What's that? Get off.

The next character, Miss Brickle, is Charles St.

John Backwater, otherwise known as Charlie the Con.

Now, he frequents resorts like Nice and Cairns, and he relieves widows

of all their loot. Would you, uh, would you please send in Charlie the car?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

He doesn't usually... frequent these parts, so I doubt whether it's him. It

could be him. Yeah, and he's also a wife -beater. Oh, but it's not him. No. Now,

well, please bring in the next suspect, Constable, if you would.

Just get off. Look at this.

Sorry about that.

Now, the next, uh, Constable, uh, the next suspect, he's, um, he's 22, and

Would you care to sit down? Thanks, Constable.

And he's six foot two.

And he's a vagrant.

And he's not ready yet.

And he's not ready for society yet. In other words,

he's a local gypsy character known as Rudolph.

But I doubt whether he's your man, because he's a very nasty bit of work.

That's not the plan.

No. I'd like another look at Charlie the con. Yes.

Yeah, well, would you please bring back Charlie the con? I think he's gone home,

sir. Look in the front.

Get it back. Get it back.

I'm very sorry about this, Miss Pringle.

I think the chief constable will hear about this. I'm sure he will. You see,

can even... Hello, hello.

How do you do? Here I am again.

Well, that's...

Haven't you got any more nice suspects?

Yeah, would you please bring in some more suspects?

There aren't any more suspects. Just get off and get a look at the lost

property, ma 'am. The lost property.

I'm terribly sorry. We're getting a very poor class of suspect here these days.

Evidently. I mean, we are casting our net, you know. We are casting it in

rotting and middle rotting.

So stunning.

Well, it wasn't my fault, Sarge.

I was running on the bike, you see. Yes.

And this lady was in front of me, and a lorry came towards us, and I just waved

it on.

You mean, just like that?

No, not like that. Just like that.

Oh, Moses.

I told her, do you know about we have a change?

It's now my great pleasure to introduce our next artist.

He's the real reason we joined the Common Market.

Who's your

friend? Joey.

Joey? It's an ostrich. Oh, don't say it. He's gone mad.

He thinks I'm weird. Oh, he's gone really mad. Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's gone mad. Calm him down.

What do I do?

Play some music. Music?

Music!

Cut one, two, three. All right?

One.

Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know

Tonight, live from the Glassblowers Hall, Winslow, we give you a match

Arthur Ludgrove, Southern Area Professional Super Champion.

Good evening.

And Terence Cooper, Amateur Champion of the Northeast.

Now, this will be a very exciting match.

The best of three friends.

What sort of an outfit do you call that?

What sort of an outfit do you call that?

My... My plus threes.

They should have been plus fours, but they shrank.

You are Terence Cooper, amateur snooker champion. Nearly right.

No, I'm Thomas Cooper, amateur golf champion.

I see.

Tonight, live, well, there seems to be a bit of a mix -up, but I'm sure we can

sort it out. See, I've got this letter you see.

Invite me.

What snooker?

It's a game with balls and a sort of a stick.

No, that's golf.

Yes, it is similar.

Mr Cooper, will you begin?

Yes,

yes.

Yes, one of those little mix -ups.

billiard table. You're quite right. There's only six holes.

That's why I'd better break first.

Yes, I think perhaps you'd better. Now look, you just do what I do, right? Yes.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

What are you trying to do?

Oh, sorry.

to put some backspin on the cue ball, a screw shot with a little side, round all

the angles, back into bulk, and then snooker you behind the green.

Why not?

What's he talking about?

Your turn.

This is going to be very tricky, this.

No, no, no, no. There's a cue.

Who's in front of me?

is to put the ball into a pocket.

No, no, no. Give me here.

Right, right.

Thank you.

Like this, see?

There we are.

In the pocket.

Then you put all the coloured balls, you see?

Yellow, brown, blue, green, pink and black.

Somebody wants to say I'm colourblind.

You just do the best you can.

Right. Of course, you may need a rest.

What? A rest under the table.

I'm not tired.

What's he talking about?

I can't go on with this guy. He's a maniac.

He doesn't know how to handle a cue. Nothing.

I can't. Watch this. Of course I can. Just watch this.

You think so? Yes.

I'd like to play a couple of songs for you.

How they should be sung. Not like Bing Crosby's Sinatra.

Now, how they should be sung.

With fear.

Oh, yes. Here we are.

What now, my love?

Now that you left me, how can I live for

another day?

What's my dream?