Original subtitles

I don't know why I'm laughing.

I've got a sore head.

Oh, think of my mother.

Oh, look at that.

I've been getting these terrible bad dreams.

I dreamt the other night I was plucking a chicken.

And I woke up next morning and the wife was bored.

Oh, dear.

What a wonderful day it's been, hasn't it?

It's been 70 degrees in the shade.

I was clever, I stayed in the sun.

I did a little bit of sunbathing. I was lying out there today.

A little boy crept across me and he put something all over my back.

He said, this will make you brown.

I said, what is it? He said, gravy.

That's the thing about it.

I feel like I fell off a wedding cake.

When you walk through the storm... Keep your

head up high.

I did that.

And I fell in a puddle.

I played golf the other day.

Got a hole in one. The other sock was perfect.

And I'm standing there with a golf club like that.

I'm standing there like that, see?

And they said, keep your eye on the ball.

Keep your eye on it. That's what they tell you. Keep your eye on the ball.

And I locked up, and somebody pinched a trolley.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you Percy and his performing

from Clapham.

Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Tom! No performing dogs in my crypt.

Oh, well, you see, personally, he owed me some money, you see.

And he couldn't pay me, so he gave me his dog act.

Have you ever seen these dogs before?

No, but I know their names personally.

Well, thank heavens for that. Yes, I know their names. There's Bonzo. He goes

through that tube, see?

Yes. Right through there like that. And there's Prince and Duke. They rub up

there like that. And down there, takes the board, just do it with the mouth. I

haven't done it again. And the other three like that do flips like that.

Terrific. And Henry. Henry. Fantastic.

Yes, what's he doing?

Add that sum together. Get the total. Yes.

And then we skip together.

Good. This I have to see. Can I announce them?

Certainly. Ladies and gentlemen, Percy's performing dog from Clapham.

Who said I knew it was a dog?

I'll do the sub. All right, then.

All right, here we go.

Waiter.

Yes, sir. Any danger of any service?

I'm sorry, but I've just come on duty, sir.

I wonder if you'd like to look at the menu while you order some drinks.

We'll have two gin and tonics, and don't take all night about it.

I know that menu off by heart, you know. I can tell you exactly what's for

starters, what's for main course, and what's for sweets. I don't need to know.

You have what you like. You can have the caviar, you can have the smoked salmon,

you can have the salad and east wide, anything you like.

Oh, you're not going to worry about that here, sir.

April is over. There isn't an hour in the month. Well, it doesn't matter here,

sir, because April follows Ray, Rune, and Realize.

I don't want any funny remarks. Just service.

Yes, sir. I wonder if the madam would like some prawns in aspect.

I'll say what we're going to have. Oh, no, dear, he's only trying to be honest.

You shut it. You're pushing the leftovers on us. I know.

No wonder all the waiters are foreign. English waiters are diabolical. It is

typical of them. They give you no service, and they want a whacking great

the end of a long drink of water like this. All that's going to do anything

me. I eat here regularly. I not only eat here, I eat in every restaurant. Not

only the big ones, the little ones, every one. It's in my job.

these things on the table and you have to throw my wine glass.

Get me another one.

Are those out of the friendly room?

Get it yourself.

Well, mate.

Waiter, waiter.

Luke, I owe you an apology. I was a bit rude earlier on.

You know he didn't mean it.

Shotted, shotted.

You're doing a grand job, lad, and we will have the oysters.

Ah, right, thank you.

There you are!

Where's my wine glass?

You want some wine, sir? Wine? I have some wine. I want my wine glass.

Would you like some oysters, sir? Oysters?

Oysters? Who's talking about oysters? There's no hour in the month. I just

my wine glass. Get me my wine glass, you swine!

Certainly, sir.

The swine will get in your wine glass.

Straight away, sir.

The swine will get in your wine glass.

The swine will get in your wine glass!

Now, look here. As far as I'm concerned, your

reputation as a high -class restaurant is over. I...

I don't know whether you are aware who I am, but you soon will be. Here is my

card. Come on, June.

Come on.

Do you know who that was?

No idea.

That was Sir Parsimony Fry.

The international gourmet.

That's who that was.

Parsimony Fry? Yes.

Well, I didn't know that.

I got all confused, you see.

Because all this is going on is because I thought this was...

The nursery where I had to be nice. And then there was a nursery where I could

be nasty.

You know what I mean? And I got confused.

And I was nasty in both rooms, you see.

Shut up!

You're fired!

Yes. No.

In here.

Now then, once and for all, Cooper, in here you can do what you like.

are the one and only Frank Sinatra.

Look down, look down, that lonesome road before

you travel on.

Make your maker!

Stop.

I'm singing in the rain. Singing in the rain. I'm singing in the rain.

That's nothing to do with it.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to do something serious for you now.

It's a one -man theatre in which I play 400 different people.

But luckily, 398 are not in this scene.

Just him and him.

The scene is 1941.

Something else come on.

The scene is 1941, the prisoner of war camp in the Rhine.

And they're all wearing Rhine coats.

And... The leader of the British is the

officer, Captain... Creepy.

He's one of the real...

Dempsey Creamleys.

And he's face to face with that brutal Cap Combinant.

Hans Neeson and Boomsities.

Captain.

Captain.

Yesterday, there were 200 prisoners.

In the camp.

Today, 10 ,000.

Why is this?

We built our escape on the back of the front.

Silence! Silence!

I lost a leg in Tobruk.

Well, I haven't got it.

Silence!

Silence!

I thought it was me eye.

which stand for... These

initials are the initials of the dreaded

organisation which these initials stand for.

to teach you to have more... More...

To teach you to have... What? Yes, all right.

To teach you to have more respect in the future.

You will put on the blindfold.

I have one last request.

Thank you.

I'm a sharpshooter now.

See the stands with the plates on there? Watch this very closely.

Here we go.

You know the shirt trick?

Not offhand.

Not offhand?

Well, how would it be if I tried the shirt trick on you?

Why not?

All right. I will try the shirt trick on you.

Now, we've got to, uh... We've got to undo a few... He's very suave, isn't he?

Not for long, unless I can get these buttons undone. No, just... There we

What are you trembling for?

Trembling?

Okay? Yes.

There you are.

Couple of buttons undone.

Oh, yes.

What are you doing? Trying to hypnotize me?

What is... There we are, I think.

Oh, my goodness, we're not.

One more.

The suspense is killing me.

Are you watching this, ladies and gentlemen?

do the shirt trick.

Are you prepared to do it?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've done it a long, long time ago. No, no. Do you

want to do it?

Come on. I want you to do it. They want to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, do you want to do it?

No, you don't.

Your fans demand that you do the shirt trick. You don't want to see me do it,

you? Yes, you do.

All we want... You don't.

Why?

All we want is a volunteer from the audience.

What about you, sir?

Henry Cooper.

Henry Cooper. It's Gladys' boy.

Now, Tommy, you've got the chap here. Can I leave you to it?

To do the shirt trick? Yes, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, that popular duo,

Tommy Cooper and Henry Cooper, the ex -heavyweight champion in...

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I come from a long line of boxers. Yeah?

Except my father is a cocker spaniel.

Do you know, I was in the ring much with Cassius Clay.

Go on. No, really, all my life. I was, yes.

And I got him worried.

I did.

He thought he'd kill me. Go on.

And I was like that. Like that.

I just have to do that.

I've got to do the shirt.

You don't know what it is, do you? I don't. Well, I'll show you. Well, could

just be so kind and do your bows there? Look.

I'll do that.

Because you're not trim, you know. No, I'm not trim. I'm one.

Yes, that's right.

Have you done those?

Yeah. Right, I'll just take your tie.

Yeah. It's a good tie, isn't it? Oh, it's very nice.

Shall I do it, mate? Yeah, it's all right, then.

Thank you.

Undo the buttons, will you? Undo the buttons. Yes, that's all right.

There's a ripple coming up, Roy.

Right, right.

Now, I'm going to do... I'm going to do exactly what you've just seen.

I'm going to take your shirt off.

It's an handmade shirt. I'm going to take it off without taking the coat off.

Right? I haven't done this for a long time.

How long?