All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s01e05 The Cooper Horror Show

Thank you. Lovely taste.

Black, brown, orange, pink.

I beg your pardon.

I'd like to say this.

This.

I always wanted to say that. I always
wanted to say that.

How many times have you come on the
stage and said this and get a laugh?

This. It's a funny word, that, isn't it?

That.

I bought myself an airplane hanger.

What do you think?

It's a quick joke.

I must do this.

I want to hear it myself. Now, listen.

Oh, I've got something in my eye. A bit
of black spit there.

A bit of black spit.

I hate flies, don't you?

I hate flies.

As a matter of fact, I've got here a fly
paper.

It's called the Daily Fly.

And this kills flies stone dead.

I put it on the table like that, you
see, just there.

And a fly comes along and naturally
starts to read it.

And while he's breathing, I creep up
behind him.

There's a ball and cup.

And what you have to do is to guess
where the ball is.

I do that.

Is it in my pocket or is it under the
cup?

Oh, yes, that's right.

Under the cup, you're quite right.

I'll do it again.

Is it under the cup or in my pocket?

In the pocket, you're quite right about
it.

Now, where is it now?

On top.

Look at that.

Thank you.

I put

it in my pocket like this.

Take it through. Hold that, sir.

Throw it towards the cap.

a married couple on a holiday in Paris,
and he went to the Alpha Tower.

Now, you know, you can get to the top
either by a lift or by walking the Spire

Staircase.

Now, the husband wants to get the lift
up, but the wife wants to walk up. Get

the idea?

There's pay boxes there, so it goes like
that.

Now, tonight, Tom, we're going to ask
you some questions on behalf of our

viewers and find out, as it were, your
innermost thoughts.

So I'll ask you the first question now,
which says, does Tommy Cooper believe in

metempsychosis?

See, that's funny you ask me that,
because a man asked me that two or three

ago. Yes.

Pardon? But what I'm trying to get at is
this.

Do you think that on Earth, everyone has
a double?

I had a double just before the show.

I don't mean that. I mean, do you mean
that we all have somebody who looks

exactly like us?

No one will look like you, I tell you.

That's nice, isn't it? That really is
nice. I know what you think.

You think that we were all born before.
You think that we were all born before

as someone else.

That I believe.

Right, all right. Well, who were you
before you were Tommy Cooper? Well, I

feeling I was a Viking.

Slave on a galley ship. Really? Well,
what makes you think that? Because my

aches.

And another thing, never mention the
word whip, because you'll get me rowing

straight away. Whip?

You should have done it. You see, you've
got me going now.

Look, how do I stop you? You can't.

You can never stop the galley slaves
now. Once they start, they keep rowing

rowing and rowing. And so they drop.
Look at them. They're all dropping.

all dying like flies.

Well, are you all right? Yeah, I'm all
right. I'm the lucky one.

Why's that?

Well, they forgot to give me a haul.

It certainly was.

It's quite obvious from that story that
you were there in those days. Oh, yes.

But I'd like to see a little evidence if
you have some.

All right. As a matter of fact, I have
it right here, Lord.

Oh, that's... That's a Viking horse. A
genuine Viking horse. Yes. Oh, yes.

Listen.

Doesn't sound much, does it? No.

But five minutes from now, this place
will be full of Vikings.

I just received a letter from Bill
Bailey, and he's not coming home.

I always say, do as you others, but do
it fast.

Now, there's the very famous Venetian
cat.

I was very, very closely.

Do you know what? My wife smokes in bed.

She does. A friend of mine said, well, a
lot of wives smoke in bed.

I said, well, face down.

I was a surprise to my parents.

I was. They put me on their doorstep.
They expected I might have milk.

My wife said to me, do you mind if I
wear my hair in a bun?

I said, I don't care if you wear it or
not for bread.

What's this?

She's always on her diet, my wife.
Always on her diet.

She's on her diet now. Eats nothing but
coconuts and bananas all day long.

Coconuts and bananas.

She hasn't lost any weight. Well, you
want to see her climb trees?

They're getting better. They're getting
better.

You managed a candle.

Hasn't been a wonderful summer.

Do you know, it's amazing what people
do.

Somebody rang my wife and said, do you
know, I saw your husband on the beach

with a blonde on his arm.

And my wife said, what do you expect at
his age on his arm? The back of the

spade?

The very famous Charlie's Lincoln rings.

Un,

deux, trois.

You'll know his name in a minute. I'll
tell him.

I was on the tip of my tongue, isn't I?

Big man, he was just like me.

Didn't have hair on his chest.

Twigs.

Get those elephants off the street.

Nelson.

That's right, isn't it?

Thank you.

Bit of a shopper, thanks.

Camo hair.

It is genuine camo hair.