Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Let's stop. Thank you.

Well, I must say you've had a wonderful audience.

And I'd like to finish now with a little song.

I can always tell what audience is going to be good or bad.

Good night.

Well, pull it, pull it.

I've risen.

I didn't make it alone.

Look, see that glove?

Check it out.

Day 20 to 1.

It's going to be 20 past 4.

He was so late coming in, he had a tiptoe back to the stable.

And the jockey kept hitting him like that with the whip.

Not like that, like that.

Like that.

And the horse said, what are you doing that for?

There's nobody behind us.

a greyhound about a month ago.

A friend of mine said, what are you going to do with it? I said, I'm going

erase it.

He said, by the look of it, I think you've beat it.

I was in Margate last summer for the summer season.

A friend of mine said, you want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism.

So I did and I got it.

The chair was packed, so I went to this big boarding house.

And I knocked on the door of the landlady, put her hand up to the window,

she said, what do you want? I said, I want to stay here. She said, well, stay

here, then shut the window.

And while I was there, I bought one of these skin diving outfits. Let me show

you, like a frogman suit.

Bought the whole thing, you know, clothes, big flippers, tag on the back.

And I had a photograph taken like that and like that.

Well, you never know, do you? You never know.

And I went to the bay and I jumped in, because you're not supposed to dive,

dangerous.

And I jumped in like that.

And I think I turned a little bit all the way down.

And I went down to my 135th finger.

It was lovely, very quiet.

And I'm going along like that.

I've got my instructions here.

and I'll start to do that like that.

And the feet are going like that.

Not in the front, in the back.

And I'm good.

And I don't care now, you know what I mean?

I'm all over the place.

The goggles are getting all misty.

And I'm humming to myself.

and I saw a man walking towards me.

In a sports jacket, grey flannel.

I thought, that's unusual for a Thursday.

So I went towards him and I got right up to him and I took this pad out and I

wrote, what are you doing down here?

Walking about in a sports jacket, grey flannel.

And he took this pad from me and he wrote on there, I'm drowning.

I was cleaning up the attic last week with the wife.

Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs.

But she's good to the kids.

And I found this old violin.

This old violin.

And it's painted, all painted.

So I took him to an expert.

And he said to me, what have you got there? He said, you've got a

And the Rembrandt.

Unfortunately...

Stradivarius

was a terrible painter.

And Redbark made rotten violin.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again to Fez to Fez, in which this week we

probe Tommy's mind on the subject of animals. Does he like animals? Does he

support the movement for the preservation of endangered species?

Does he believe in performing animals? Does he believe in pets, both ordinary

and bizarre?

Does he believe that animals... Excuse me.

If you ask me the questions, I'll just give you the answers.

There's no good ask from the camera. The camera doesn't know, does it?

Look, I'm sorry, Tommy, but, you know, I'm trying to set up the interview.

Yeah, but the camera doesn't know the answer. You don't know the answer, do

No. So why talk to the camera? That's fair, isn't it?

No. Yes, you're quite right.

I'll ask you the first... I mean, how can the camera tell you what the answer

is? I can't tell you. No.

I'll ask you the first viewer's question here, which is, do you like animals?

Do I like animals?

Yeah, well, why animals?

Well, you see, the thing is, I have this rather...

It's a rather funny story that I wanted to tell.

He's laughing. He knows the story.

It's a very good story. I must tell you, you'll like this story. This story is

about an old man, you see.

And he said to his wife, he said, did you know that there's a snail on the

porch? And she said, did you kill it? And he said, no, it got away.

Well, you don't have to finish it now.

Well, actually... No, finish it later. Finish it later.

Actually, that is the finish.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, it's not bad, is it?

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, there it is.

It's good, isn't it? Oh, there it is. Yes.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. I thought you'd like that. What we'd

like to know, Tommy, is do you like animals? What do you think, for example,

about dogs?

Dogs? Yes.

No, I think the snail's funnier.

That is funny, isn't it?

The more I think of it, I don't really... Did it kill it? No, it got

No, the dog's no... Forget the dog, forget the dog.

If you don't... If you cut the old man out, cut him out, cut him out. Oh.

But keep the snail in. Yes, keep the snail in.

You see, you don't really understand what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at

is, what is your attitude towards pets?

I mean, notably cat and dog.

There was this lady, see, this lady, his wife had a cat. Yes.

See? And she cooked a nice big meat pie and gave it to her husband to take to

the office.

Yes.

And... You're thinking about the snail again, aren't you?

Oh, you've got to wait. I know you can't.

I'm like that. Oh,

yes. So, this wife... This wife made this big pie, see?

Came to her husband to take to the office.

And there was a little piece left over.

Oh, I know this one. This is a funny one.

This is a good story.

No, no.

Who's telling the story?

I didn't interrupt you, did I? No, that's fine. I mean, the snail.

Yes, it's fine. That's funny. I must admit, it is.

It's fine.

I mean, the one I'm telling now is semi -jolly. It's all right.

So, she gave this cat some of this pie, you see, and he went out, and he came

back half an hour later.

You know what I mean? He didn't have to. He just thought, I'll come back.

So he came back, and he walked in like that.

Or maybe like that. No, it was like that.

And all his hair was standing up like that, and his eyes were staring like

And all he turned right over on his back, and his legs up there, and his

stiff as a poker.

That's right, that's right. And she thought, she thought, the pie must be

poisonous. And so she thought, her husband's eaten the pie, so I must ring

office. So she rang the office, didn't she? And they put it out on the tenor.

But it was too late because he'd already eaten the pie.

So they had to take him off to the hospital. And he had the oxygen tents

had the stomach pumps and he had the injections.

And all the time his wife's sitting at home and she's getting wide.

She's in a panic. Her bottle's gone.

She thinks to herself... She thinks to herself, what's happened to the old man?

And then suddenly the milkman arrives, doesn't he? And the milkman says, how's

the cat?

And the wife says, how did you know about the cat?

And the milkman said, half an hour ago I knocked him down with a milk cart.

a photograph of that wonderful escapeologist who did he?

He's gone away again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Sorry.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I... I'd like to do something now that's a little

bit dramatic.

In which I do a one -man play with two parts of it.

And I'll show you both Simmer Stainsley on the project at the same time.

Now, I want you to imagine the scene.

It's a prisoner of war camp outside a village called Cisselslush.

Cisselslush.

Cisselslush. Slush and slush.

Berlin.

And the time is 1940, or 20 to 8.

And the leader of the escape committee is Brigadier Fonagoo Smite.

sent for by that brutal, concomitant Fritz von Spada.

So, Brigadier, you're wondering why I sent for you?

Three hundred and seventy prisoners escaped from the camp.

How does you account for this?

You left the front gate open.

Lies, old lies!

They smuggled themselves out in the laundry baskets.

How do you file that out?

You'll never see them again, I'll tell you that.

I know that laundry.

Here is the list.

Two beds, four shirts, and 370 bristles.

And when they are caught, they will be shot.

Oh, no, they won't.

Yes, they will.

Oh, no, they won't. Yes, they will.

Everyone will be shot one by one because...

Don't know.

She was sitting on top of Waterloo Bridge, dangling her feet in the water.

She cocked one eye at me.

And I cocked one eye at her.

And there we stood together, cocking.

And she had most unusual lips.

Both on top.

And long, blonde, wavy hair all down her back.

None on her head.

As she had a very cute little button nose.

Very cute.

I always liked the way it turned up.

Then down.

Then sideways.

But I loved her.

And we had some wonderful, happy times together.

We used to go on the beach.

She gave me a wave.

I've still got her home in the back.

We used to go on the sands.

Play little games together.

She used to bury me into the sand.

And I buried her in the sand.

And one of these days, I'm going to go back and dig her out.

And then she said she was hungry.

So I bought her a stick of rock.

And she bit it.

And she went...

Wasn't quite so loud as that.

It was more... And then she started to cry a bit.

I said, what's the matter, love? She said, I broke my tooth.

I said, don't worry.

You've got one left.

The way she stood up, she had bow legs.

She used to walk like that.

I said to her, why don't you learn to play the cello?

So I said to myself, I'd take her and get some lovely tea for her.

So I got the best set of... false teeth that money can buy.

And they look beautiful.

Beautiful!

And then, after all that, the money

I spent on her... I don't think I'll carry on.

I'll try.

All the money I spent on her, she left!

towards me as he just stood there and laughed at me

laughed at me with my own

I'll change places.

We'll slip it apart and go back again.