All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1992 s01e03 Fez to Fez

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. Let's stop. Thank you.

Well, I must say you've had a wonderful
audience.

And I'd like to finish now with a little
song.

I can always tell what audience is going
to be good or bad.

Good night.

Well, pull it, pull it.

I've risen.

I didn't make it alone.

Look, see that glove?

Check it out.

Day 20 to 1.

It's going to be 20 past 4.

He was so late coming in, he had a
tiptoe back to the stable.

And the jockey kept hitting him like
that with the whip.

Not like that, like that.

Like that.

And the horse said, what are you doing
that for?

There's nobody behind us.

a greyhound about a month ago.

A friend of mine said, what are you
going to do with it? I said, I'm going

erase it.

He said, by the look of it, I think
you've beat it.

I was in Margate last summer for the
summer season.

A friend of mine said, you want to go to
Margate, it's good for rheumatism.

So I did and I got it.

The chair was packed, so I went to this
big boarding house.

And I knocked on the door of the
landlady, put her hand up to the window,

she said, what do you want? I said, I
want to stay here. She said, well, stay

here, then shut the window.

And while I was there, I bought one of
these skin diving outfits. Let me show

you, like a frogman suit.

Bought the whole thing, you know,
clothes, big flippers, tag on the back.

And I had a photograph taken like that
and like that.

Well, you never know, do you? You never
know.

And I went to the bay and I jumped in,
because you're not supposed to dive,

dangerous.

And I jumped in like that.

And I think I turned a little bit all
the way down.

And I went down to my 135th finger.

It was lovely, very quiet.

And I'm going along like that.

I've got my instructions here.

and I'll start to do that like that.

And the feet are going like that.

Not in the front, in the back.

And I'm good.

And I don't care now, you know what I
mean?

I'm all over the place.

The goggles are getting all misty.

And I'm humming to myself.

and I saw a man walking towards me.

In a sports jacket, grey flannel.

I thought, that's unusual for a
Thursday.

So I went towards him and I got right up
to him and I took this pad out and I

wrote, what are you doing down here?

Walking about in a sports jacket, grey
flannel.

And he took this pad from me and he
wrote on there, I'm drowning.

I was cleaning up the attic last week
with the wife.

Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs.

But she's good to the kids.

And I found this old violin.

This old violin.

And it's painted, all painted.

So I took him to an expert.

And he said to me, what have you got
there? He said, you've got a

And the Rembrandt.

Unfortunately...

Stradivarius

was a terrible painter.

And Redbark made rotten violin.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome once again
to Fez to Fez, in which this week we

probe Tommy's mind on the subject of
animals. Does he like animals? Does he

support the movement for the
preservation of endangered species?

Does he believe in performing animals?
Does he believe in pets, both ordinary

and bizarre?

Does he believe that animals... Excuse
me.

If you ask me the questions, I'll just
give you the answers.

There's no good ask from the camera. The
camera doesn't know, does it?

Look, I'm sorry, Tommy, but, you know,
I'm trying to set up the interview.

Yeah, but the camera doesn't know the
answer. You don't know the answer, do

No. So why talk to the camera? That's
fair, isn't it?

No. Yes, you're quite right.

I'll ask you the first... I mean, how
can the camera tell you what the answer

is? I can't tell you. No.

I'll ask you the first viewer's question
here, which is, do you like animals?

Do I like animals?

Yeah, well, why animals?

Well, you see, the thing is, I have this
rather...

It's a rather funny story that I wanted
to tell.

He's laughing. He knows the story.

It's a very good story. I must tell you,
you'll like this story. This story is

about an old man, you see.

And he said to his wife, he said, did
you know that there's a snail on the

porch? And she said, did you kill it?
And he said, no, it got away.

Well, you don't have to finish it now.

Well, actually... No, finish it later.
Finish it later.

Actually, that is the finish.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh,
it's not bad, is it?

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh,
there it is.

It's good, isn't it? Oh, there it is.
Yes.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. I
thought you'd like that. What we'd

like to know, Tommy, is do you like
animals? What do you think, for example,

about dogs?

Dogs? Yes.

No, I think the snail's funnier.

That is funny, isn't it?

The more I think of it, I don't
really... Did it kill it? No, it got

No, the dog's no... Forget the dog,
forget the dog.

If you don't... If you cut the old man
out, cut him out, cut him out. Oh.

But keep the snail in. Yes, keep the
snail in.

You see, you don't really understand
what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at

is, what is your attitude towards pets?

I mean, notably cat and dog.

There was this lady, see, this lady, his
wife had a cat. Yes.

See? And she cooked a nice big meat pie
and gave it to her husband to take to

the office.

Yes.

And... You're thinking about the snail
again, aren't you?

Oh, you've got to wait. I know you
can't.

I'm like that. Oh,

yes. So, this wife... This wife made
this big pie, see?

Came to her husband to take to the
office.

And there was a little piece left over.

Oh, I know this one. This is a funny
one.

This is a good story.

No, no.

Who's telling the story?

I didn't interrupt you, did I? No,
that's fine. I mean, the snail.

Yes, it's fine. That's funny. I must
admit, it is.

It's fine.

I mean, the one I'm telling now is semi
-jolly. It's all right.

So, she gave this cat some of this pie,
you see, and he went out, and he came

back half an hour later.

You know what I mean? He didn't have to.
He just thought, I'll come back.

So he came back, and he walked in like
that.

Or maybe like that. No, it was like
that.

And all his hair was standing up like
that, and his eyes were staring like

And all he turned right over on his
back, and his legs up there, and his

stiff as a poker.

That's right, that's right. And she
thought, she thought, the pie must be

poisonous. And so she thought, her
husband's eaten the pie, so I must ring

office. So she rang the office, didn't
she? And they put it out on the tenor.

But it was too late because he'd already
eaten the pie.

So they had to take him off to the
hospital. And he had the oxygen tents

had the stomach pumps and he had the
injections.

And all the time his wife's sitting at
home and she's getting wide.

She's in a panic. Her bottle's gone.

She thinks to herself... She thinks to
herself, what's happened to the old man?

And then suddenly the milkman arrives,
doesn't he? And the milkman says, how's

the cat?

And the wife says, how did you know
about the cat?

And the milkman said, half an hour ago I
knocked him down with a milk cart.

a photograph of that wonderful
escapeologist who did he?

He's gone away again.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Sorry.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I... I'd
like to do something now that's a little

bit dramatic.

In which I do a one -man play with two
parts of it.

And I'll show you both Simmer Stainsley
on the project at the same time.

Now, I want you to imagine the scene.

It's a prisoner of war camp outside a
village called Cisselslush.

Cisselslush.

Cisselslush. Slush and slush.

Berlin.

And the time is 1940, or 20 to 8.

And the leader of the escape committee
is Brigadier Fonagoo Smite.

sent for by that brutal, concomitant
Fritz von Spada.

So, Brigadier, you're wondering why I
sent for you?

Three hundred and seventy prisoners
escaped from the camp.

How does you account for this?

You left the front gate open.

Lies, old lies!

They smuggled themselves out in the
laundry baskets.

How do you file that out?

You'll never see them again, I'll tell
you that.

I know that laundry.

Here is the list.

Two beds, four shirts, and 370 bristles.

And when they are caught, they will be
shot.

Oh, no, they won't.

Yes, they will.

Oh, no, they won't. Yes, they will.

Everyone will be shot one by one
because...

Don't know.

She was sitting on top of Waterloo
Bridge, dangling her feet in the water.

She cocked one eye at me.

And I cocked one eye at her.

And there we stood together, cocking.

And she had most unusual lips.

Both on top.

And long, blonde, wavy hair all down her
back.

None on her head.

As she had a very cute little button
nose.

Very cute.

I always liked the way it turned up.

Then down.

Then sideways.

But I loved her.

And we had some wonderful, happy times
together.

We used to go on the beach.

She gave me a wave.

I've still got her home in the back.

We used to go on the sands.

Play little games together.

She used to bury me into the sand.

And I buried her in the sand.

And one of these days, I'm going to go
back and dig her out.

And then she said she was hungry.

So I bought her a stick of rock.

And she bit it.

And she went...

Wasn't quite so loud as that.

It was more... And then she started to
cry a bit.

I said, what's the matter, love? She
said, I broke my tooth.

I said, don't worry.

You've got one left.

The way she stood up, she had bow legs.

She used to walk like that.

I said to her, why don't you learn to
play the cello?

So I said to myself, I'd take her and
get some lovely tea for her.

So I got the best set of... false teeth
that money can buy.

And they look beautiful.

Beautiful!

And then, after all that, the money

I spent on her... I don't think I'll
carry on.

I'll try.

All the money I spent on her, she left!

towards me as he just stood there and
laughed at me

laughed at me with my own

I'll change places.

We'll slip it apart and go back again.