Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What a lovely audience.

Well, I must say, you have been a good audience.

And I'd like to close it up, eh?

Oh, dear, I've had a pain here all day.

Look at that.

Oh, isn't it hot?

It's the heat that does it.

It's different every time, isn't it?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I went to see my doctor. I had to. He's ill.

And he said to me, he said, can I help you? I said, yes.

I said, I get these terrible dreams. He said, what's that? I said, I keep

dreaming. These beautiful girls keep coming towards me.

Beautiful girls. I keep pushing them away. They keep coming towards me. I

pushing them away.

He said, what do you want me to do? I said, break my arm.

He said, I want you lying down on the couch.

I said, what for? He said, I want to sweep out.

I said, but seriously, doctor. I said, seriously.

I said, seriously, doctor.

Seriously, doctor. I said, I have broke my arm in several places.

He said, well, you shouldn't go to those places.

barber coming to the front guard. See, he's turning the spit like that and the

flame's getting higher and higher.

Higher and higher.

See? And he's singing. Oh, soul of me.

No music.

Oh, soul of me.

Farewell.

And the flame's getting higher and higher.

And a drunk walks by. He says, your singing's all right, mate. A monkey's on

fire.

.

Yes.

just told me just before the show.

And she said to me, I've got water in a carburettor.

I said, where's the car? She said, in the river.

Oh, excuse me, that reminds me.

One minute, please.

Hello?

Is that the GPO?

Look, I won't complain about my... my phone bills.

They keep going up and up.

But why are they so big?

with a bird on his head.

And the doctor said, what can I do for you?

And the bird said, would you take this man off my feet?

There you go, guys.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you now to meet an old ship...

Be brisk.

I speak to Inspector Smith.

Is that your inspector?

Well, it's me.

You know me, don't you?

Listen, I've got the news you wanted.

I can tell you who the killer is.

The killer's name is... The killer's name

is...

I'll ring him back later. There's too much noise in here.

I think I've done my leg in.

Good evening, Mr Cooper. Good evening.

I believe you have a black belt.

Yes.

And before that, I had a brown belt. And before that, I had a white belt.

And before that?

My trousers were pulled out.

Yes, now, these karate experts seem to care. What are they like?

Marvellous. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Japanese.

All Japanese are. Oh, yes.

And one was about that high.

See?

And... And...

These six men came towards him, six by three foot four they were, and they all

came towards him and attacked him at the same time. And what happened?

They murdered him.

Tell me. No, not yet. No.

Tell me.

It's remarkable, yes.

Now, what would you do if a man came towards you with a gun in his hand?

About 50 miles an hour.

You're right. Now is the time. Now is the time. I believe that you are going

break these four bricks in halves with a single blow of your hand.

That's quite right.

Yes. Quite right.

See, because, look, that there is like solid steel.

Really?

I don't feel any pain.

No pain at all.

Marvellous. This hand is a killer.

No?

Yes, go ahead.

It's the wrong hand. It's this one.

The very famous magic clock.

So hula hacha, I'm a hula hula.

Thank you, Chief.

Yes? Anybody here?

Thank you very much.

for a minute. What I should do, I should go down here like this.

See? Yeah. I should stand here like that.

Right? And you'll be up there. Yeah. And I want you to creep towards me and try

to hit me in the back with that plank of wood.

Are you sure about that? Oh, yes. Because you won't have a chance, you

Because I should stand like that and I should turn around very quickly like

that. Or I may go that way. I don't know.

I may go up.

And I should take the wood and jam it in the eyes like that.

Yes, I'm not... Very good at hitting people. Don't worry. I'll tell you what.

Take your shoes off so I can't hear you coming down and talking.

Up here. Up here? Yes.

Right. Just there like that.

Oh, yes.

Right? See? Now, don't forget, Noah.

Come down any time you like because I've got amazing reflexes.

I mean, can you, um... I'll tell you what, can you cough?

Yeah.

Put your shoes on. Oh.

And this time, when you come down, cough.

Like that.

Yeah, that's it. I mean, you'd better give me a chance. Oh, of course, yes.

I mean, I've got major reflexes.

But you've got to be fair, haven't you? Yes, fair is fair.

Oh, yes, yes.

I do see that.

Right. Right?

Yes. Now, come down, see, as fast, loud as possible.

I'm beginning to enjoy this.

Can you... Can you sing?

Not very well. Any particular song?

Anything you like. I told you to do this.

Here we are.

You've got your shoes on. I want you to come up here and sing a song and come

down very heavy like that.

It's a long way to go.

It's a long way to go.

Yes.

Right? Yes.

I want you to sneak up on me.

Loudly.

All right? Are you ready?

Okay.

That's it.

Surprise, attack, surprise.

Start, baby.

Uh -huh. Where's he gone?

I'll tell you what.

How about wearing a blindfold and bang a big drum?

From the zippy vase or vase, I will now produce a bouquet of flowers.