Original subtitles

Thank you.

Good evening.

Have I got time for more?

I shall now produce from the zephyr cloth four live ducks.

Oh!

Got away again.

Look, see that?

This one does the same look.

Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now.

It's the very famous egg -a -bag trick.

Here's the egg as a bag.

My teeth itch.

I went to the dentist. He said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come

out.

And I think... He looked at me, and I said, I've got to... Turn the page just

there.

See?

And... Up there it was.

So he said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I said, what's that?

Because he spoke to me.

And I said... I'm going to pay it up there. He said, well, I'll tell you

he's going to X -ray it. So you get these little tiny X -rays like that,

small ones like that.

And you put it up there like that, and you hold it up there like that.

And I'm sitting there like that.

And they bring this X -ray machine in, see?

And it went like that.

And it went... Just like that.

And he took it out and he looked at it.

And he said, no wonder it hurts. You've got a finger poked up there.

As I was waiting to go in to see him, the same dentist, and I was sitting

reading the magazines, wasn't it awful about that Titanic?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ha.

I want you to watch me very, very closely.

And if you see any suspicious moves, don't say it.

This egg will vanish in front of your very eyes and you won't have the

clue where it's gone.

On the other hand, I've got four fingers on the thumb.

I'm just glad to see where it's gone, haven't I?

Eh? Where?

Under me arm? No.

Another one? No, look at that there.

This one? No, look at that there.

Hi, how's that?

And you put your hand inside the bag and you bring the egg out with thunderous

applause.

once and it died.

I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out.

I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out.

So, uh... Look at that, I'm leaking.

So... So I went to this doctor and I said, it hurts me when I do that.

He said, well, don't do it.

Last night, I ordered everything in French to surprise everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

And I said to the Chinese waiter, I said, look, this chicken I got here is

He said, well, sure, but it's been dead two weeks.

I said, not only that, I said, I said, I said it twice.

I said, he's got one leg shorter than the other.

He said, what do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?

I said, forget the chicken.

I said, give me a lobster.

So he brought the lobster. I looked at it. I said, just a minute.

I said, just a minute, I said.

I said, he's only got one claw.

He's been in a fight.

I said, well, give me the winner.

or not to be.

That is the question.

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of

fortunes.

I had a bit of bad luck yesterday.

I was pinned for parking.

I said to the officer, I said, well, I'm in a cold sack.

He said, I don't care what kind of car it is, you can't park here.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles.

I always travel by sea.

I never fly. Well, I did once. I flew to America.

And there was a film on board, and I'd already seen it. I walked out halfway

through.

And by opposing end, to die to sleep,

perchance to dream.

I had a funny dream last night.

I was eating a ten -pound marshmallow.

And I woke up this morning, the pillow was gone.

To sleep, and in that sleep, what eluding poetry trips

nimbly from the tongue.

It's a poem.

A little poem entitled, I can't get over a girl like you, so get up and make

this to yourself.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

a Scotsman named Andy. He went into a pub for a shanty.

He blew off the froth, used it as a kilt, as a cloth.

And the barman said, Blimey, that's Andy.

But stop you now, the fair Ophelia.

And there's a girl for you.

Pretty as a picture.

And not a bad frame either.

I mean, she's not like the wife. I'm not saying the wife is ugly. I'm not saying

that. When I was walking down the street the other day with her, a policeman

said to me, Excuse me, sir.

Have you reported that accident?

Take away, ladies and gentlemen, your wonderful audits. And before I go, I

to sing a little song which I wrote on the back of a bus.

Because I didn't have any paper at the time.

Thank you, maestro.

Oh, oh, oh, Ophelia.

I like Cecilia.

Your heart's awake.

And more to me than Cecilia.

And sweet Cecilia.

I've had a day.

Oh, oh, oh, Bedelia.

I think you really are so very sweet.

What a slap up, Melia.

I tell it, Elia, that I could eat. Done.

Oh, please reveal the other.

Enough with me.

Do you have starchy epilia?

That's why I kneel you on bended knee.

Hand at me.

Oh, hand at me.

Please say, you see, I'm not.

Help yourself to a slice.

There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white

tips is to separate the ends from the centre.

I get worse.

Look, it clicks to my hand. Look at that. It can't fall down.

I've got my finger there.

A solid one.

OK.

Well, valid in front of your very eye.

Here's a great joke.

What was it? Oh, yeah.

There was a... In the jungle, see, in the jungle, and there was a hyena.

You know, a hyena.

And he's talking, he's talking to this monkey.

And he said to this monkey, he said, you see that little passage, that little

thing down there, the little narrow... He said, just down there, you see those

big clump of trees and bushes?

And this monkey said, yes.

He said, well, I go home that way every night.

He said, I don't have to.

But, you know, it's a shortcut for me. I go home.

He said, but every time I get to that bunch of trees there, this lion jumps

and throws me all over the place.

He said, I don't know why he picked on me.

All the time he keeps throwing me about, bashing me about.

He said, and then he goes.

He thinks it's funny, you know what I mean?

So...

The monkey said, I know what you mean.

He said, well, I'll tell you what. He said, I'll come over here tonight.

You know, he said, to protect you.

So he said, would you? He said, yes.

So... So they shook hands on it.

Nothing in writing. Just shake it. They shook it.

And they started to walk down towards this clump of trees.

See?

I cut out laughing. I know what's coming next.

And he got down to this clump of trees and he was just going to turn like that.

And this lion jumped up and got this hyena and went, boom, boom, boom.

And this monkey went right up the tree and left him there. Look at him like

that.

And he was like that.

And all of a sudden this lion went, boom, boom, and left this hyena on his

like that.

He may have been like that. No, he's like that.

The monkey came down. I was standing beside him.

And there's hyenas like that.

And he looks up at this monkey. He said, what happened?

He said, I thought you were going to help me.

He said, well, I was.

He said, well, I looked down. He said, you were laughing so much, I thought you

were winning.

So what

So

So I tell you what

Soft -hearted, really.

I am, honestly. I wouldn't harm a fly.

And I never use these fly killers. Never.

I use this.

Instant starch.

Doesn't kill them, but they glide out the window like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I was walking over the other night and a man came in from

a doorway. He said, have you seen a policeman around here? I said, no, he's

stickler.

A lot of people express their feelings through different ways.

Some people express their feelings through a song.

Other people express their feelings through poetry.

But tonight, I will express my feelings by speaking to you through my trumpet.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

You see this leaf?

I saw this... I saw this little leaf on a tree all on its own.

All on its own. It was because its little brother and sisters had been

away with the wind.

So I thought to myself, I'll take that little leaf home.

And I put it in a little flower pot on the windowsill with fresh soil.

And let the sun gleam on it.

So that it would grow into a nice big tree.

All proud.

All on its own.

And then I thought, I'll go to hell with it.

Five hearts, ace of spades, queen of diamonds.

Put the ace of spades down there.

Five and a half down there.

Andy.

Three of the diamonds has completely vanished.

Both sides of the mat, look.

What?

How's that, then?

Mr. Random.

Would you think of any card you like in the pack, sir, but don't tell me.

Think of any card, sir.

No, just think of one, sir.

Every thought of one, sir.

Right, now this is mind over matter.

If you don't mind, I don't matter.

I'll put the cards in there, sir.

I may have seen a duck do that before.

You know, sometimes there's great performers like Al Jolson.

Remember Al Jolson?

He used to sing. I mean,

he didn't have a microphone. No microphones.

None at all.

He used to get on one knee and sing.

Oh, I love it. Oh, I love it.

and say things like, ow, we can't hear you.

And the other great performer, the best of the lot, I think, is still Bing

Crosby.

Don't you?

I'll do it for you.

May I have a spot, please?

I'm over here.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When the bloom of the night

Thank you.

When the blue of the night meets the gold

of the day, someone

make up your mind what it will do with that light you

know

sometimes when you see these men on board ship aircraft carries and they got

they call a Batman see because they bring the planes in like that on the

aircraft carry you see them they guide them in

I'll tell you my impression now of one of these men on his aircraft carries.

Guy on the plane's in and he's had too much to drink.