All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1980 s01e06 October 7, 1980

Look at this!

music ah it makes you want to just let
go yeah

come on baby come on baby let's move it
i

gotta

shake my shoulder

I gotta move my bones.

I gotta keep on moving.

Long as my motor runs.

I can't jump and stomp my feet.

Blame it on the rhythm and the disco
beat.

I get loose, let out my shoes.

I know it's really crowded.

Come on and join us.

Oh, I'm so fed up with people picking on
me.

Oh, my relief.

How's that?

All right?

People do pick on you, don't they? All
the time. And my wife picks on me.

I mean, she said to me, you never take
me out. So I said, all right, get ready.

So she goes upstairs about five, and
about ten o 'clock I get worried.

I hadn't heard from her.

So I go upstairs in the bedroom, and
she's walking about with nothing on but

pair of football boots.

And she said, I've got nothing to wear.

And I said, all right. So I went in the
next night, I said, and she takes hours

to get ready.

Hours.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

And I said, I've got two tickets to see
the King and I.

She said, I won't be ready.

I said, it's all right, it's tomorrow
night.

It's like a fellow, everybody picks on
people. A fellow went into a pub, a

little fellow, about five foot.

I got back to James King.

Okay.

That was good, wasn't it?

I do a lot of impressions.

A lot of them.

I'll do this. It's a quick one before I
do that.

Listen to this. You're the first to hear
this.

Very first.

Hello, Tommy, how are you?

What do you think?

Now, be honest. What do you think?

What? Great.

Thank you.

You don't know who it is, do you?

He's my milkman.

I'll give you another one, another quick
one.

You've heard of that wonderful film star
Gregory Peck?

No, Gregory Peck.

I've had my nose fixed so my teeth don't
work.

Gregory Peck. I'd like to give my
impression now of Gregory Peck's father.

Hello, son.

Do you know, my feet are killing me.

You know, every night when I'm lying in
bed, they get me around the throat like

that.

And they're trying to strangle me.

You can see the toe marks there, if you
look.

And I'm lying in bed one night, and I
was just like that, lying like that,

you do.

And I thought to myself, I don't like
this.

You do, don't you?

So I thought, I'll go to the other side.
So I went over like that.

And I'm like that, and I thought to
myself, I think the other side's better.

So I went back in.

And my wife had just run over here and
put it under the bed.

And then she said to me, the front
door's bolted.

I said, well, I can't get it far, can I?

I'll get it in the morning.

Here's another joke.

Two Chinamen, see?

And they're talking. You'll like this.

Two Chinamen talking to each other. One
says...

Oh, this is funny.

And the other one said...

I

thought you'd

like it.

Now,

these

rings will drop apart.

in front of your very eyes.

And now, a bovage.

They were drawn apart in front of me.

And

this

week's guest, Sheba.

10 ,000 strong in yonder valley, queuing
up at the aunt's valley.

We'll rout them whilst they're at their
ease and quickly bring them to their

knees.

Aye, brave yeoman, strong and true.

Against 10 ,000!

With sword and pike we'll fight their
tanks.

Tanks?

With stealth and speed we'll cut their
flanks.

With bows and arrows we're down their
plains and rush them as their spirit

wanes. Rush them?

But first we plan a subtlety to gain our
chance of victory.

One of you will go down there right into
that lion's lair and against two lords

we'll fight until he finds their king
who he will kill.

He'll stab him twice, then four times
more, and then with hands of blood.

lots of gore.

Here, chop his head off without a
quiver.

Then cut his heart out and then his
liver.

I like liver. I'm very fond of it.

No, I do. I like liver.

I like, I like, I like, I do like liver.

Then chop his toes off one by one.

And then his fingers. Oh, what fun!

Oh,

fun. That's fun. What fun.

And so I seek a volunteer.

A brave young buck, full of cheer.

A man of courage, stout and true.

With two good eyes to see him through.

A yeoman British to the core, ready to
fight in any war.

With a strong right arm.

Clean -cut face.

Which one do I choose?

Deary me.

What say you?

Is it all in me?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, brave of heart.

A last request? A verbal gem?

I surprise you. I belong to them.

He said to the dog, speak, boy, speak.

And the dog said, what shall I say?

Two dogs talking. One said to the other,
he said, have you done the pools this

week?

And the other one said, no, I missed the
post.

I'll give you another one. I like to
give you my impression of it.

A married couple on holiday in Paris,
and they went to the Alfa Tower.

Now, you know, you can get to the top
either by a lift or by walking the Spire

Staircase.

Now, the husband wants to get the lift
up, but the wife wants to walk up. Get

the idea?

So this is it. The pay box is there. So
it goes like that.

Thank you.

Smile. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny
Doyle.

Do you want to hear what everybody says?

Down our street.

Strangers there, they end up dead. Down
our street.

Now the mammy and the daddy and the gang
got loose.

They all went out on the booth.

There were skin and whiskers flying
loose.

Down our street.

A policeman once he hit me dad.

Down our street.

Said me dad there'll be a funeral lad.

Down our street.

They took off the coat of the pipe one
round. And when me dad got off the

ground.

The policeman's nose was all it found.

Down our street.

Down our street.

Down our street. There are married men
and women there, dancing mad in the

midnight air.

There are lots of jawbones broken.
Where?

Down our street.

Our purchase man does a very good trade.

Down our street.

Every booger's bought, but no one's
paid.

Down the street.

And when he tries to collect a few
pounds, he says before he hits the

was built in a graveyard of our own.

Down the street.

The Salvation Band came around last
night.

Down the street.

And they were trying to teach us wrong
from right.

Down the street.

And when the sister began to moan, the
captain spoke in a muffled tone.

He was hit on the head by a big ham
bone.

Down our street, down our street, down
our street. There

are married men and women there, dancing
mad in the midnight air.

There are lots of jawbones broken.
Where?

There are

married

men and

women there, dancing mad in the midnight
air.

There are lots of jawbones broken where?

Down our streets.

Sad verse.

Now the winters there get bloody cold
down our streets.

So we burn the floorboards because we
got no coal down our streets.

And when the larder it get there, they
say the tomcats taste like

hair.

The outstations all walk round in pairs
down our street, down our street,

down our street. There are married men
and women there dancing mad in the

midnight air.

There are lots of jawbones broken where?

very famous trick here.

Every box, you can see right through,
was a place down there like that.

Now, what I'm going to do, I'm going to
produce with the aid of this magic wand.

Magic wand.

It's mystic.

Mystic.

Clever.

Mystic. Get it?

I will produce all wonderful things, all
wonderful things from the deadly box.

I will now tap the table twice.

Right. Now, I get this pack of cards
when I spring into the box like that.

Tap the table again twice.

You don't have to tap back.

Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle.

I love the tradition of the zephyr box.

Without looking into the box. Without
looking.

The four of spades.

Now you give me the four of spades.

That's three -fourths.

I will now produce a cage of parrots.

A cage of parrots. A cage of parrots. A
cage

of parrots. A cage of parrots. A cage of
parrots. A cage of parrots. A cage of

parrots. A cage of parrots. A cage of
parrots. A cage of parrots. A cage of

parrots. A cage of parrots. A cage of
parrots. A cage of parrots.

Two lovely doves.

That's two dozen gloves.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I will
now produce from this empty box a large

plate of grapes.

A large plate of grapes.

Wake up.

A large plate of grapes.

What's that moving about?

Sit. Kneel. Sit. Kneel.

A large...

Hey, the grapes!