All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1980 s01e05 September 30, 1980

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And they named it after her, where the
rhythm moved and swirled.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the star of
our show, Tommy Cooper.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, look at that. Thank you very much.
What a lovely audience. Great.

Oh, don't forget my mother. Don't forget
my mother.

Well, I just received a letter from Bill
Bailey, and he's not coming home.

Ooh, I've been a painter all day.

Look at that.

I'm so bored, isn't I?

No, I'm bored.

Don't look bored.

No, I am.

I'm really bored, I am.

I was bored before the show, I'm bored
now. I get it coming on now and again,

you know, just bored.

I was on the other night, sitting down,
in front of my little budgie guy in a

cage, little budgie.

I thought he would go, tweet, tweet,
tweet, and make me happy.

But he was bored as well.

He just, I looked at him and he went...
I mean,

let's face it, he's got to be bored in a
little cage like that. What's he got?

A little perch here, a little perch
there.

So he's on this one like that.

And he jumps across the other one like
that.

And then back again like that.

All day like that.

Wouldn't you be bored?

Well, I was bored looking at him like
that.

And even when I was a baby, I was bored.

I mean, people used to look at me in the
pram and say, look at that baby, does

he look bored?

And funny enough, when I was a baby, I
was ugly.

I know, it's hard to believe it.

I was just lying in the pram like that.

Bored.

Because I used to come and say, look at
that little baby, bored.

I'd just lie there.

Like that.

Because I was really bored all the time,
you know what I mean?

I mean, unlucky.

As a little kid, I was unlucky.

I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I was in Spain once for a holiday, in
Mallorca.

I was in this bar, and they had, you
know, they all do bullfighting there,

they? I'm in this bar, and all of a
sudden, all along the wall, there's

not buffalo, bull's heads.

Bull, big bull's heads, all over the
wall like that.

And there's one big one in the middle.

They're all big, but they're big.

But big, you know what I mean?

And I said to the fellow behind the bar,
I said,

That's a big ball, isn't it?

He said, I've got a very sad story about
that. I said, I'm sorry to hear that.

And he went like that a little bit.

I said, well, what happened?

He said, well, that ball killed my
brother.

I said, was he a ball fighter?

He said, no, he was in it and it fell on
his head.

the very famous vanishing thought.

In the town of a thigh one Jeremy
Lannigan, he baffled away till he hadn't

pound. His father, he died and made him
a man again, left him a farm and ten

acres of ground.

So he threw a grand party for friends
and relations who didn't look back when

he'd gone to the wall.

Now, if you but listen, I'll make your
eyes glisten with the rows and the

ructions at Lannigan's ball.

Six long months I spent in Dublin, six
long months doing nothing at all, six

long months I spent in Dublin learning
to dance for Lannigan's Ball. I stepped

out, she stepped in again, I stepped out
again, she stepped in again, she

stepped out, I stepped in again learning
to dance for Lannigan's Ball.

There was lashings of punch and wine for
the ladies, potatoes and cakes, there

was bacon and tea, and there were the
Nolans, the Dolans, O 'Grady's, Curt and

the girls and dancing away.

The songs they went round as plenty as
water, from the harp that once sounded

through Tara's old hall, to sweet Nellie
Grey and the Ratcatcher's daughter, all

singing together at Lannigan's Ball.

Six long months they spent in Dublin,
six long months doing nothing at all,

long months they spent in Dublin
learning to dance for Lannigan's Ball. I

stepped out, she stepped in again, I
stepped out again, she stepped in again,

she stepped out, I stepped in again
learning to dance for Lannigan's Ball.

The boys were all merry, the girls were
as hearty, dancing around in couples and

groups. Till an accident happened, young
Terence McCarty, he put his right foot

through Miss Finnerty's hoops.

The poor creature, she fainted and cried
holy murder. She called for her

brothers and gathered them all.

And Carmody swore that he'd go no
further till he'd had satisfaction at

Flanagan's ball.

In the midst of the row, Miss Kerrigan
fainted. Her cheeks, at the same time,

were as red as the rose.

And some of the lads declared she was
painted and took a small drop. Too much,

suppose.

Her sweetheart, Ned Morgan, so powerful
and able, when he saw his fair Colleen

stretched by the wall, he broke the left
leg from under the table and smashed

all the china at Lannigan's ball.

Six long months I spent in Dublin, six
long months doing nothing at all. Six

long months I spent in Dublin, learning
to dance for Lannigan's Ball. I stepped

out, she stepped in again, she stepped
out again, I stepped in again, I stepped

out, she stepped in again, learning to
dance for Lannigan's Ball.

Ah, boys, oh, boys, it's then there was
ructions.

Meself got a punch from Big Phelan
McHugh. But soon I replied to his kind

introduction and kicked up a hell of a
hullabaloo.

Old Casey the Piper was nearly being
strangled. They squeezed up his bellows,

pipes, chanters and all.

And the girls and their ribbons, they
all got entangled. And that put an end

Lannigan's Ball.

Six long months they spent in Dublin.
Six long months they were nothing at

Six long months they spent in Dublin
learning to dance for Lannigan's Ball.

I stepped out, she stepped in again, she
stepped out again. I stepped in again,

I stepped out, she stepped in again.

and learning to dance for Lannigan's
Ball.

I know ladies and gentlemen I like to do
this trick here. I invented this

myself.

It's a vanishing balloon.

But I haven't got it right to perfection
at the moment.

When I do, it'll be the greatest fantasy
trick in the world.

I mean that.

There's just one little small thing that
bothers me.

And when I can overcome that, it'll be
the greatest trick you've ever seen.

one small thing that I can overcome.

And that's the thing that bothers me.

If I can get rid of that bang...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I would like you to imagine that
this here is a shop that sells

everything. And I'm an assistant in this
shop. But I'm not really.

I'm from television.

A new programme, something like Candid
Camera.

Now, up there on the wall is a big
buffalo's head, behind which is a hidden

television camera.

And here, in this tennis racket, is a
hidden microphone.

So we'll just wait now for some
unsuspecting customer.

Oh, wait a minute.

Here comes one now, I think. Hold on.

Good afternoon, sir.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

My wife came in here a couple of days
ago and bought me a pair of white socks.

Oh, yes. But they're too small for me.
Oh, it doesn't matter, sir. Just look at

the buffalo. And I was wondering... I
was wondering if you've got exchanges.

problem. Just look at the buffalo.

So, I was wondering if you had a change
of form because they're too small. No

problem at all. Just look at the
buffalo, sir.

Just look at the buffalo. I'll keep
looking at the buffalo. Don't do that,

please.

Please, not in front of the buffalo. I'm
just... Not in front of the buffalo,

please, sir. What are you going to do to
the buffalo?

Not in front of the buffalo. No, no, no.
Please, not in front of the buffalo.

No, please, sir. Not in front of the
buffalo.

Oh, I won't do it. I don't want to look
at the buffalo. Would you mind speaking

up into this tennis racket, sir?

Have you got to start roaming, man?

No, just... I just want a pair of socks.
Just speak up into this and look at the

buffalo. I'm fed up with that. I'm
talking to the teller. I'll tell you

sir. I just want my socks, Dave. Keep
looking at the buffalo.

Just take this check down to the
basement.

Yeah. All right.

And they'll change the socks for you,
sir. Well, thank you very much. All

thank you.

I've never seen nothing full of my life.
You know, like a shop.

Keep looking at the buffalo and talking
to the teller, mate.

Right.

Now, while he's gone, I'm going to play
a joke on him.

I'm going to eat this piece of garlic.

Oh, dear.

Right. He's coming back now. He's coming
back.

Have you got a receipt, sir?

Yes,

Jim.

Where are you from, sir? London.

Where are you from?

Halifax. What's your first name, sir?

Tommy.

What's yours?

Harry.

You've got a strong name, sir. I'll tell
you that strong name.

I'll tell you what, sir.

I've been having a little joke with you.

I'm not an assistant in this shop at
all.

I'm from television, sir.

Up there, behind that buffalo's head, is
a hidden television camera.

And this tennis racket has got a hidden
microphone in it.

Yes, sir.

Yes.

That's right, sir, yes.

Well, thank you, sir. Hello, hello.

Thank you, sir. You've been a marvellous
sport.

Thank you. You've been marvellous. Thank
you very much.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, Miss Stephanie Lawrence.

Can't stop dancing just because the
music's gone.

Can't stop dancing, no, just because the
band is gone.

Just because the music goes.

Because if you keep on dancing.

because the people

I'd like to give my impression, a quick
impression, of slow -motion tennis.

Slow -motion tennis.

And I'd like to recite for you a little
poem to start off like this.

He was just but a simple old plumber.

who married a lady called Rose.

He met her by chance, and he was quickly
enhanced by the tap on the end of her

nose.

He was but a simple old plumber.

He was but a simple old plumber who
spent

all his life stopping leaks.

Whilst...

Because men in the Benz... What? I said,
no.

But men in the Benz, they go down to
both ends. Not please, is it?

It's not, is it? No.

They go down to both ends.

Whenever he walks now, he squeaks.

old plumber who

died at 103.

Listen to this up.

The pastry, that topped him.

In the oven they popped him.

And they all had pie. Plumber for tea.