Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

Look, look at the eyes, look.

Rolling again.

Got a blind headache.

I have, they say take an aspirin for a headache.

Who wants a headache?

I like to give you an album made very quickly now. I want to do a very quick

impression. The first... Now,

what I thought about doing is... Hey,

my bike's gone. Sorry, my bike.

Hey, my bike's gone.

Yes, it's Cooper's half hour.

to the chat.

be the same.

Now I've had my fun, but there is just one who got me from the start.

Exit Big North from Winnetka.

It needs a big...

I've been the big noise pump with that girl for too long.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the star of our show, Tommy Cooper.

I must say, it gives me a great thrill for you to see me.

I was driving up here tonight in the car, and I came outside the studio, and

said to a policeman, I said, can I park here? He said, no.

I said, what are the other cars doing here?

He said, they didn't ask.

I just had a phone put in my car.

Well, I can't understand. I don't know how they got the phone box in.

Right, now, let me see. There's a little trigger light through there.

52 play cards.

53.

Which I place inside this little container here.

Now the idea, I was showing my wife this drink.

I do know my wife loves cooking.

And she never wastes anything.

I mean, if there's meat left over from the night before, next day there's stew.

And the other night there was some fat left over.

Next day...

We had a bar of soap.

One car would slowly rise up from the pack.

What do you think of a car, sir?

Not as big.

Not as big.

You weren't told to say that, were you?

It'll slowly rise up from the pack.

Comes up to about there.

Come, try it on me, Jess.

Right, that's that, then.

It is written down with a little handkerchief. Watch it very, very

I just place the handkerchief like this.

I don't know why I did that.

And then he's playing into the tin box here.

I know the very famous managing wand in the newspaper.

There's a white tip here and a white tip there.

Now, the reason for the white tips is to separate the ends from the centre.

I get worse.

It clings to my hand. Look at that.

Half all done. Got my finger there.

A solid one.

It will disappear like a flash of lightning in front of your very eyes.

Solid one.

Ladies and gentlemen, Los Riales of Paraguay.

Thank you.

igual que palomas mensajeras de luz saber que tus besos se quedaron en

mi haciendo mis labios

about 80, 85, on a holiday, on a holiday, and he thinks he's about

20.

We all do, don't we?

And he goes down to the beach, to the pool like this.

And he said, he said in a laugh, hello, hello,

he says, where's all the girls then?

What, they're not here yet?

Oh, dear.

And the other one is about the show -off.

The one on the high board, the diving board, the very high diving board, the

show -off. There's always one.

...stated that the average person moves or shifts position some 140 times during

a normal eight -hour sleeping period.

To prove this theory, we have arranged for our volunteer to be filmed during

eight hours of sleep.

This is the result of our experiment.

and gentlemen, Danny Doyle. Come over the hill,

my bonnie Irish girl.

Come over the hills to your darling

That in yonder garden rose There is the

lily of the valley Clear

is the water that flowed from the vine

by Calarney's greenwoods we did stray on the

moon and the stars were a -shining

the moon shone its rays on her

locked -up golden hair she swore she'd be my

love forever

There is the lily of the valley.

Clear is the water that flows from

the boy.

But my love is fairer than

any.

My love, she...

to do something now very dramatic for you.

I'll recite a poem for you.

It was New Year's Eve at Joe's pub.

A happy mob was there.

The bars and tables were crowded and lots of noise filled the air.

In the middle of all this gaiety, the door banged a little wide, a torn and

tattered tramp walked in.

Happy New Year, folks, he cried.

The crowd just looked at him and laughed and some began to jeer.

But a sailor!

Stood at the bar, said, Chivahoy, mate, have a beer.

I'll thank you, son, the tramp replied.

The beer and me are through.

I'll never touch a drop again, but I'll split a bottle of rum with you.

Then up jumped a baker.

You had to be there.

Said, throw him out, he cried.

He contaminates the air.

Those harsh words, friend, the sailor said.

The baker said, so what?

I can't understand.

Are you able to be shot?

Are you able to be shot?

I

won't

be a second.

Hold it.

Then, up jumped a soldier. I said, this ain't no time to fight.

Then he said, you're right.

And the banker said, well, all right.

Then, up jumped a woman.

And stared at the tram. His goodness, his fancy crab of fright.

And her face went white.

Who's Sam?

A farmer said.

The tramp, where's the tramp?

Replied, I'm Sammy Clyde and I paint a woman as my promised bride.

Lutz, don't make me laugh.

No, don't make me laugh.

The tramp, the farmer said, you cannot wait that long.

Why not? Replied the tramp.

We never were divorced.

It's a lie.

The woman shouted.

It's the truth that Trump yelled out.

Hold everything.

Yes.

Said the soldier.

And the farmer said, ooh.

The pad is a bit, the pad.

I cut my head open and just patted myself.

You can cut your head wide open like that.

And the fireman said, I'll kill that pup.

Oh! Ah!

A tough guy, said a pilot.

It was so good.

The cowboy hit the fireman and the fireman hit the floor.

He got up... straight away looked at the woman and said, I was a mug for you to

fall. And then he hit her. My gosh, she screamed.

And then the fight was free for all.

Investor Frenchman.

A little schoolboy.

I don't even know who that is.

Then all of a sudden they heard a policeman's whistle.

They heard a policeman's whistle.

They heard a policeman's whistle.

He didn't marvellous, eh?

That's all he had to do.

And he's wearing make -up as well.

And a policeman came in, a piss -hole damn bunch.

Come on, take it.

Ladies and gentlemen, our surprise guest, Frankie Ball.

Give me the moonlight.

Give me the glow.

I leave the rest to me.

Give me a shady nook by a family room where no

one else can see.

a bench for two where we can really kill I'm out

she's gonna be if there's any

from the Metro for too long.