Original subtitles

Come on.

Come

on.

Come on, he's on down, he's on down, down the road.

Bring your right foot up, bring your left foot down. Come on, let's keep

don't you lose no ground.

Cause the road you walk in might take some time.

You just keep on trapping and you'll feel just fine. Come on, he's on down,

on down, down the road.

Come on, he's on down, he's on down.

We'll be right back.

don't you care

Come on.

gentlemen, it's the star of our show, Tommy Cooper.

You know, I was at Torquay last summer for the summer season. A friend of mine

said, you want to go to Torquay? It's good for rheumatism.

So I did and I got it.

And while I was there, I tried to get in the hotel. It was packed.

So I went to this big boarding house.

And I knocked on the door and then Landy put her head out the window and said,

what do you want? I said, I want to stay here.

She said, well, stay there and shut the window.

And while I was there, I bought one of these frogman outfits.

You've seen them. I bought the whole lot.

All that, big flippers, goggles, big tank on the back.

Everything. I had a photograph taken like that and like that.

Well, you never know, do you?

And I went to the bay and I jumped in, because you're not supposed to dive in,

you see, it's dangerous.

And I jumped in and I went down about 155 feet.

I did. Straight down like that.

I may have turned a little bit.

No, I didn't. I went straight down like that.

Very quiet.

Very quiet.

And I'm going along like that.

I've got the instructions here.

And I get rid of them, and I go like that. I'm showing off a bit, you know

I mean?

And the flippers are going like that.

Not in the front, in the back, you know what I mean?

And I'm going on like that. A bit cocky, I am, really.

And I look ahead like that, and I see a man walking towards me.

In a sports jacket and grey pants.

I thought, that's unusual for a Thursday.

I went towards them very fast, and I don't care.

And I get right up to them, and I take this pad out, and I write on there, what

are you doing down here walking about the sports act in great flannels?

And they take this pad from me, and it writes on there, I'm drowning.

Hang on.

Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now, a little trick I picked up. I

don't know who dropped it.

Did you pick that up?

I'm not afraid of work.

I don't know where I get them from, I don't really.

The very famous egg and bag trick. I was showing my wife this, she loves these

tricks. And my wife has always got on a diet.

Different kinds of diets.

She's got one now, she drinks eight glasses of water a day.

And I lost eight pounds, and she gained 50 gallons.

And she's got another one where she eats bananas and coconuts all day long.

Bananas and coconuts all day long.

She hasn't lost any weight, but you want to see her climb trees.

Egg, bag, bag, egg, bag, egg, egg, bag.

It will now disappear from the bag. The egg there, look, will now disappear.

And you won't have to sleep.

He doesn't know where it is, do you?

Look at that.

Eh?

Where is it? He doesn't know, do you?

On the arm? No.

Other one? No, I don't think so.

This one?

No.

How's that?

Eh?

And he put you on his other peg and he bring the egg out to a thunderous

applause.

It's over.

Empty! Empty!

Empty!

Who

was

talking there?

Let grasses grow and waters flow in the free and easy way.

But give me enough for the fine old stuff that's made near Galway Bay.

Out does the air with another air, and we'd fix both me and you.

As home you're old, you can take a bowl or a bucket of the Mountain Dew.

Gather up the pots and the outing cans, the mash and the corn and the barley and

the bran. Hurrah, like a tittle from the excise man, keep the smoke from rising.

Barney.

At the foot... Sub the hill, there's a neat little still, where the smoke

curtains up the sky.

By the smoke and the smell, you can plainly tell, there's pot sheen brewing

nearby. A policeman all from Downey call, fly go and eat from two.

We'll give them the slib, then we take a sip of the rail, old mountain dew.

Gather up the pots and the oats in cans, the mash and the corn and the barley

and the bran. Hurrah, like a dibble from the excise man, keep the scope from

rising, Barney.

Thank you.

I don't know.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'll show you a wonderful trick now. I will

from this empty paper bag, a live dove.

I don't want to get that down too high.

I'd like to show you a trick now.

What I'm going to do is this.

Water! I don't know.

Water! I must have water.

There it is.

Oh, it's freezing.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, much obliged to you, sir. Thank you, sir.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Hello, Joe?

God. God, say hello to Joe.

Say hello to Joe. Who?

Joe. Say hello to Joe.

Where?

He's up there in that tree.

Go on. Say hello to Joe.

Go on. Say hello to Joe.

All right. Hello.

Say hello.

Say hello to Joe. Hello, Joe.

Is that Joe?

A drink for old time's sake? Oh, sure, Joe.

What, one for my friend? Yeah?

Oh, great. Yeah, have a drink with Joe.

Here. Ah, good old... Cheers, Joe.

Say cheers to Joe.

Go on, say cheers to Joe.

Cheers to Joe. Say cheers to Joe.

Cheers,

Joe.

Cracked in the first place.

Yes, it was. I saw that. It was.

No, it was.

That's how you got there, Joe.

It was cracked. A gun.

It was cracked.

A gun.

Yes. Now you put that gun down, Joe.

Put that gun down, Joe.

Put that gun down, Joe.

He's got a gun. He's got a gun. He's got a gun.

Put it down, Joe.

Put that gun down, Joe.

Put that gun down, Joe.

Now you put that...

Cheers, friends.

Take that! And that! And that!

I shot him with a knife.

Oh, Fred!

Fred! Fred! Where are you, Fred? Oh, there you are.

Fred!

Oh!

Oh!

Sorry, Jeff.

I need you leaving.

Ladies and gentlemen, have a minute.

I'd like to show you this wonderful trick now.

From the empty vase of these, I will now produce a bouquet of flowers.

A bouquet of flowers.

oh oh