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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1980 s01e01 September 2, 1980

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,780 --> 00:00:37,260 Come on. 2 00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:37,660 Come 3 00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:45,520 on. 4 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,360 Come on, he's on down, he's on down, down the road. 5 00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:03,580 Bring your right foot up, bring your left foot down. Come on, let's keep 6 00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,640 don't you lose no ground. 7 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,460 Cause the road you walk in might take some time. 8 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:16,180 You just keep on trapping and you'll feel just fine. Come on, he's on down, 9 00:01:16,180 --> 00:01:17,380 on down, down the road. 10 00:01:18,140 --> 00:01:20,880 Come on, he's on down, he's on down. 11 00:01:40,419 --> 00:01:43,740 We'll be right back. 12 00:01:56,620 --> 00:01:57,620 don't you care 13 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,700 Come on. 14 00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:02,530 gentlemen, it's the star of our show, Tommy Cooper. 15 00:03:08,510 --> 00:03:11,370 You know, I was at Torquay last summer for the summer season. A friend of mine 16 00:03:11,370 --> 00:03:13,650 said, you want to go to Torquay? It's good for rheumatism. 17 00:03:14,510 --> 00:03:15,510 So I did and I got it. 18 00:03:19,430 --> 00:03:21,770 And while I was there, I tried to get in the hotel. It was packed. 19 00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:23,610 So I went to this big boarding house. 20 00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:27,170 And I knocked on the door and then Landy put her head out the window and said, 21 00:03:27,210 --> 00:03:28,450 what do you want? I said, I want to stay here. 22 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:29,940 She said, well, stay there and shut the window. 23 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,220 And while I was there, I bought one of these frogman outfits. 24 00:03:36,540 --> 00:03:37,900 You've seen them. I bought the whole lot. 25 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:42,180 All that, big flippers, goggles, big tank on the back. 26 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,400 Everything. I had a photograph taken like that and like that. 27 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,400 Well, you never know, do you? 28 00:03:50,020 --> 00:03:53,600 And I went to the bay and I jumped in, because you're not supposed to dive in, 29 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:54,640 you see, it's dangerous. 30 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,960 And I jumped in and I went down about 155 feet. 31 00:03:59,660 --> 00:04:01,540 I did. Straight down like that. 32 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,120 I may have turned a little bit. 33 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,940 No, I didn't. I went straight down like that. 34 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,260 Very quiet. 35 00:04:16,459 --> 00:04:19,459 Very quiet. 36 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,860 And I'm going along like that. 37 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:26,500 I've got the instructions here. 38 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:35,540 And I get rid of them, and I go like that. I'm showing off a bit, you know 39 00:04:35,540 --> 00:04:36,540 I mean? 40 00:04:37,060 --> 00:04:38,820 And the flippers are going like that. 41 00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:41,380 Not in the front, in the back, you know what I mean? 42 00:04:43,220 --> 00:04:45,980 And I'm going on like that. A bit cocky, I am, really. 43 00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:49,960 And I look ahead like that, and I see a man walking towards me. 44 00:04:52,540 --> 00:04:54,120 In a sports jacket and grey pants. 45 00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:58,580 I thought, that's unusual for a Thursday. 46 00:05:02,660 --> 00:05:04,800 I went towards them very fast, and I don't care. 47 00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:09,960 And I get right up to them, and I take this pad out, and I write on there, what 48 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,660 are you doing down here walking about the sports act in great flannels? 49 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,500 And they take this pad from me, and it writes on there, I'm drowning. 50 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,160 Hang on. 51 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,060 Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now, a little trick I picked up. I 52 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:31,060 don't know who dropped it. 53 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,200 Did you pick that up? 54 00:05:38,540 --> 00:05:39,540 I'm not afraid of work. 55 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,720 I don't know where I get them from, I don't really. 56 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,160 The very famous egg and bag trick. I was showing my wife this, she loves these 57 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,500 tricks. And my wife has always got on a diet. 58 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:53,920 Different kinds of diets. 59 00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:57,740 She's got one now, she drinks eight glasses of water a day. 60 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:02,620 And I lost eight pounds, and she gained 50 gallons. 61 00:06:06,830 --> 00:06:10,490 And she's got another one where she eats bananas and coconuts all day long. 62 00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:12,530 Bananas and coconuts all day long. 63 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:16,030 She hasn't lost any weight, but you want to see her climb trees. 64 00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,150 Egg, bag, bag, egg, bag, egg, egg, bag. 65 00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:28,550 It will now disappear from the bag. The egg there, look, will now disappear. 66 00:06:29,730 --> 00:06:32,190 And you won't have to sleep. 67 00:06:40,460 --> 00:06:41,740 He doesn't know where it is, do you? 68 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,000 Look at that. 69 00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,060 Eh? 70 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,500 Where is it? He doesn't know, do you? 71 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,360 On the arm? No. 72 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,700 Other one? No, I don't think so. 73 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:54,499 This one? 74 00:06:54,500 --> 00:06:55,500 No. 75 00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:57,060 How's that? 76 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:58,800 Eh? 77 00:07:03,900 --> 00:07:08,160 And he put you on his other peg and he bring the egg out to a thunderous 78 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,160 applause. 79 00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,100 It's over. 80 00:07:47,270 --> 00:07:48,630 Empty! Empty! 81 00:07:49,030 --> 00:07:50,030 Empty! 82 00:07:55,270 --> 00:07:55,950 Who 83 00:07:55,950 --> 00:08:07,790 was 84 00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:08,790 talking there? 85 00:08:45,610 --> 00:08:49,250 Let grasses grow and waters flow in the free and easy way. 86 00:08:49,670 --> 00:08:53,610 But give me enough for the fine old stuff that's made near Galway Bay. 87 00:08:54,090 --> 00:08:57,990 Out does the air with another air, and we'd fix both me and you. 88 00:08:58,410 --> 00:09:02,310 As home you're old, you can take a bowl or a bucket of the Mountain Dew. 89 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:07,010 Gather up the pots and the outing cans, the mash and the corn and the barley and 90 00:09:07,010 --> 00:09:10,790 the bran. Hurrah, like a tittle from the excise man, keep the smoke from rising. 91 00:09:11,110 --> 00:09:12,110 Barney. 92 00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:16,580 At the foot... Sub the hill, there's a neat little still, where the smoke 93 00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:17,660 curtains up the sky. 94 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,420 By the smoke and the smell, you can plainly tell, there's pot sheen brewing 95 00:09:21,420 --> 00:09:26,200 nearby. A policeman all from Downey call, fly go and eat from two. 96 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:30,580 We'll give them the slib, then we take a sip of the rail, old mountain dew. 97 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:35,120 Gather up the pots and the oats in cans, the mash and the corn and the barley 98 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:38,600 and the bran. Hurrah, like a dibble from the excise man, keep the scope from 99 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,940 rising, Barney. 100 00:09:51,070 --> 00:09:53,870 Thank you. 101 00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:15,560 I don't know. 102 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:57,560 Well, ladies and gentlemen, I'll show you a wonderful trick now. I will 103 00:10:57,820 --> 00:11:00,580 from this empty paper bag, a live dove. 104 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:09,340 I don't want to get that down too high. 105 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:11,960 I'd like to show you a trick now. 106 00:11:12,660 --> 00:11:14,400 What I'm going to do is this. 107 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,720 Water! I don't know. 108 00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,640 Water! I must have water. 109 00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:23,620 There it is. 110 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:29,520 Oh, it's freezing. 111 00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:35,640 Oh, thank you, sir. 112 00:11:36,300 --> 00:11:38,540 Oh, much obliged to you, sir. Thank you, sir. 113 00:11:39,020 --> 00:11:40,240 Oh, thank you, sir. 114 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:45,920 Hello, Joe? 115 00:11:47,580 --> 00:11:50,140 God. God, say hello to Joe. 116 00:11:54,830 --> 00:11:55,830 Say hello to Joe. Who? 117 00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:57,430 Joe. Say hello to Joe. 118 00:11:57,870 --> 00:11:58,870 Where? 119 00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:00,830 He's up there in that tree. 120 00:12:05,950 --> 00:12:07,570 Go on. Say hello to Joe. 121 00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,750 Go on. Say hello to Joe. 122 00:12:14,770 --> 00:12:15,890 All right. Hello. 123 00:12:16,370 --> 00:12:17,370 Say hello. 124 00:12:18,510 --> 00:12:20,490 Say hello to Joe. Hello, Joe. 125 00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:23,010 Is that Joe? 126 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:26,300 A drink for old time's sake? Oh, sure, Joe. 127 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,280 What, one for my friend? Yeah? 128 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,380 Oh, great. Yeah, have a drink with Joe. 129 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:35,200 Here. Ah, good old... Cheers, Joe. 130 00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:37,840 Say cheers to Joe. 131 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:42,740 Go on, say cheers to Joe. 132 00:12:43,340 --> 00:12:45,120 Cheers to Joe. Say cheers to Joe. 133 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:46,900 Cheers, 134 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,320 Joe. 135 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,120 Cracked in the first place. 136 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:01,880 Yes, it was. I saw that. It was. 137 00:13:03,660 --> 00:13:04,639 No, it was. 138 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,640 That's how you got there, Joe. 139 00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,380 It was cracked. A gun. 140 00:13:07,740 --> 00:13:08,719 It was cracked. 141 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:09,479 A gun. 142 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,900 Yes. Now you put that gun down, Joe. 143 00:13:12,140 --> 00:13:13,140 Put that gun down, Joe. 144 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,560 Put that gun down, Joe. 145 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,400 He's got a gun. He's got a gun. He's got a gun. 146 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:19,840 Put it down, Joe. 147 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,900 Put that gun down, Joe. 148 00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:25,500 Put that gun down, Joe. 149 00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:26,700 Now you put that... 150 00:15:02,540 --> 00:15:03,540 Cheers, friends. 151 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,420 Take that! And that! And that! 152 00:15:38,540 --> 00:15:39,820 I shot him with a knife. 153 00:15:44,260 --> 00:15:45,360 Oh, Fred! 154 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,720 Fred! Fred! Where are you, Fred? Oh, there you are. 155 00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:52,380 Fred! 156 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:53,520 Oh! 157 00:15:54,780 --> 00:15:55,780 Oh! 158 00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:57,840 Sorry, Jeff. 159 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:53,680 I need you leaving. 160 00:21:29,230 --> 00:21:31,730 Ladies and gentlemen, have a minute. 161 00:23:06,350 --> 00:23:07,710 I'd like to show you this wonderful trick now. 162 00:23:07,910 --> 00:23:12,910 From the empty vase of these, I will now produce a bouquet of flowers. 163 00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:16,870 A bouquet of flowers. 164 00:23:56,439 --> 00:23:59,240 oh oh 11419