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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1978 s01e06 October 16, 1978

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,180 --> 00:00:14,100 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cooper! 2 00:00:15,660 --> 00:00:17,740 Just like that! 3 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:11,470 The polls are not long enough, I'm sorry. 4 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,160 What a lovely audience. 5 00:03:39,240 --> 00:03:41,160 As I do the full act tonight, I won't cut anything. 6 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,020 Ooh, my teeth itch. 7 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,260 I went to the dentist, he said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come 8 00:03:54,260 --> 00:03:55,260 out. 9 00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:02,760 And I was sitting inside, waiting to see the dentist, and I'm reading the 10 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,440 magazines like you do, and... 11 00:04:05,950 --> 00:04:07,550 Wasn't awful about that Titanic 12 00:04:07,550 --> 00:04:16,630 Please 13 00:04:32,810 --> 00:04:35,410 You may say to yourself, why does he keep walking about? 14 00:04:37,990 --> 00:04:41,330 And I'll tell you the reason why, because... What? 15 00:04:43,390 --> 00:04:44,390 What was that? 16 00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:46,970 Yes. 17 00:04:56,250 --> 00:04:57,730 She said something, I don't know why. 18 00:05:02,860 --> 00:05:05,700 So I went to this doctor, I said, it hurts me if I do that. He said, well, 19 00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:06,700 do it. 20 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:19,860 And I said, I said, you've got to listen to this. 21 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,860 I said, I keep dreaming of these beautiful girls keep coming towards me, 22 00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:25,860 pushing them away. 23 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,300 They keep coming towards me, I keep pushing them away. 24 00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:31,220 He said, what do you want me to do? I said, break my arm. 25 00:05:39,150 --> 00:05:40,150 Look at that. 26 00:05:42,490 --> 00:05:44,230 That'll take a lot of folly when I tell you that. 27 00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:49,290 It'll take a lot of folly when I tell you. 28 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:51,430 What? 29 00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:52,830 Yeah, I know. 30 00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:55,090 Is he all right? 31 00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:56,550 Oh, good. 32 00:05:57,010 --> 00:05:58,390 I've got my dog in the dressing room. 33 00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:01,550 He's a one -man dog. Only bites me. 34 00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:09,440 He took a big lump out of my knee once. A friend of mine said, did you put 35 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:10,980 anything on it? I said, no, he left it as it was. 36 00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:23,600 My next door neighbour said to me, you've got to get rid of that dog. I 37 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,640 why? 38 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:26,900 I didn't shout too much, I said. 39 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,120 I said, why? 40 00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:33,040 He said, well, he keeps chasing people on a bicycle. 41 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,400 I said, well, I'll take his bike away. 42 00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:46,730 It makes me laugh. 43 00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,710 It makes me laugh. 44 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:53,770 And I've done it for about 30 years. 45 00:07:02,470 --> 00:07:03,670 He's not the Irishman. 46 00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:06,750 He's an old Irishman, isn't he? 47 00:07:08,530 --> 00:07:13,010 He had a ship, a cargo ship, full of yo -yos. 48 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:18,660 And I hit this rock, and it sank 44 times. 49 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,640 Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Sisters of the Rock. 50 00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:48,910 Chant Chant 51 00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:58,850 Chant 52 00:09:58,850 --> 00:09:59,950 Chant 53 00:09:59,950 --> 00:10:08,170 Chant 54 00:10:08,170 --> 00:10:09,170 Chant 55 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:22,580 Every time I hear Chantant, chantant 56 00:11:07,260 --> 00:11:08,260 An accumulator. 57 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,360 Ten pence. 58 00:11:11,940 --> 00:11:14,640 And it won thousands and thousands of pounds. 59 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,020 And he went to his bookmaker, and his bookmaker said, I'm not a very big 60 00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,020 bookmaker. 61 00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:28,260 He said, I'm not one of the top line bookmakers. 62 00:11:31,060 --> 00:11:32,400 Hello, Eddie. I didn't know you were in. 63 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,740 Didn't know you were in without the ticket. 64 00:11:39,980 --> 00:11:40,980 Oh, good. 65 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,560 What was I talking about? 66 00:11:52,140 --> 00:11:53,560 So, this scorpion... 67 00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:04,850 So this Irishman backed ten pence. 68 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,450 I forgot the bling joke. 69 00:12:12,450 --> 00:12:13,450 What? 70 00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:15,370 Accumulator, yeah. 71 00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:23,150 And he backed his horse for ten pence as accumulator. 72 00:12:23,770 --> 00:12:24,770 Right? 73 00:12:25,150 --> 00:12:28,430 And he went to his bookmaker and his bookmaker said, 74 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:32,100 I'm not a very big bookmaker. 75 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:34,840 I've done that, haven't I? 76 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:37,560 I thought I heard it. 77 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,480 He said, I told you what I've got to do. 78 00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:47,580 He said, I'll pay you £1 ,000 this week, £1 ,000 next week, and we'll go on like 79 00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:48,580 that. 80 00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,440 And his eyes went, no, he said, I'm going to stand for that. 81 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,640 He said, give me my ten pence back. 82 00:13:05,390 --> 00:13:08,530 And now, ladies and gentlemen, my guest star this week 83 00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:13,830 has 84 00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:20,490 got her feet firmly planted on the ladder 85 00:13:20,490 --> 00:13:22,570 of success. 86 00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,290 And apart from that, 87 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:41,500 She's my next -door neighbor ladies and gentlemen Sheila Burnett 88 00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:54,720 The 89 00:13:54,720 --> 00:14:01,600 moment I saw him smile I knew he was 90 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,380 just my style 91 00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:27,320 How can I ignore the boy next door? 92 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,620 I love him more than I can say. 93 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,320 Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me. 94 00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:43,100 And he never sees me glance his way. 95 00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:49,940 And though I'm a hot sore, the boy next door, affection 96 00:14:49,940 --> 00:14:52,240 for me won't display. 97 00:14:53,180 --> 00:14:55,760 I just adore him. 98 00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:48,940 Do you know I've got a splitting headache? 99 00:16:51,660 --> 00:16:52,660 I'll be honest. 100 00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,740 It's just like an arrow in my head. 101 00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:57,520 You thought it was real, didn't you? 102 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:06,760 I did the wrong. 103 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,100 What? Two watches? No, I've got millions of them. Look at that. 104 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,080 That's better, isn't it? 105 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,980 these cards from the tan into their top hat. 106 00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:56,500 Missed. 107 00:19:03,740 --> 00:19:04,740 Missed. 108 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:06,680 If I miss again, 109 00:19:07,450 --> 00:19:08,510 I said, shoot my toe. 110 00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:15,230 Fist. 111 00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:25,450 I know, ladies and gentlemen, a trick I want to show you now, which you've seen 112 00:19:25,450 --> 00:19:26,450 many, many times. 113 00:19:26,830 --> 00:19:28,410 I've sawn a lady in half. 114 00:19:29,470 --> 00:19:31,310 But I'm going to saw myself in half. 115 00:19:34,250 --> 00:19:35,250 Tonight. 116 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:37,020 For the very first time. 117 00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:45,080 Not that way, but down. 118 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:49,920 Down. 119 00:20:08,650 --> 00:20:10,290 I should get inside the cabinet. 120 00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:16,090 I should go inside and saw myself down from top to bottom. 121 00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:19,130 Which has never been done before. 122 00:20:21,650 --> 00:20:22,650 Ever. 123 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:40,880 He hasn't said it yet. 124 00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,020 Inside. 125 00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:47,200 I shall go inside this cabinet. 126 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,360 I'm coming in now. 127 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:01,800 I'm inside. 128 00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:34,770 Thank you. 129 00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:08,930 I tell you what I'd like to do now for me. 130 00:22:10,390 --> 00:22:12,230 We're going to do little songs. 131 00:22:14,810 --> 00:22:15,810 Old and new. 132 00:22:17,150 --> 00:22:18,190 And old and new. 133 00:22:38,670 --> 00:22:39,670 in the spring. 134 00:22:43,450 --> 00:22:44,450 It's only spring. 135 00:22:49,770 --> 00:22:54,490 We'd like to sing for you now for me some old songs and new songs. 136 00:22:57,930 --> 00:23:01,950 And old songs and new songs. 137 00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:08,380 And after that, we may sing some new songs and old songs. 138 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,840 But at the moment, we'll sing some old songs and new songs. 139 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,080 Thank you, Bob. 9127