Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cooper!

Just like that!

The polls are not long enough, I'm sorry.

What a lovely audience.

As I do the full act tonight, I won't cut anything.

Ooh, my teeth itch.

I went to the dentist, he said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come

out.

And I was sitting inside, waiting to see the dentist, and I'm reading the

magazines like you do, and...

Wasn't awful about that Titanic

Please

You may say to yourself, why does he keep walking about?

And I'll tell you the reason why, because... What?

What was that?

Yes.

She said something, I don't know why.

So I went to this doctor, I said, it hurts me if I do that. He said, well,

do it.

And I said, I said, you've got to listen to this.

I said, I keep dreaming of these beautiful girls keep coming towards me,

pushing them away.

They keep coming towards me, I keep pushing them away.

He said, what do you want me to do? I said, break my arm.

Look at that.

That'll take a lot of folly when I tell you that.

It'll take a lot of folly when I tell you.

What?

Yeah, I know.

Is he all right?

Oh, good.

I've got my dog in the dressing room.

He's a one -man dog. Only bites me.

He took a big lump out of my knee once. A friend of mine said, did you put

anything on it? I said, no, he left it as it was.

My next door neighbour said to me, you've got to get rid of that dog. I

why?

I didn't shout too much, I said.

I said, why?

He said, well, he keeps chasing people on a bicycle.

I said, well, I'll take his bike away.

It makes me laugh.

It makes me laugh.

And I've done it for about 30 years.

He's not the Irishman.

He's an old Irishman, isn't he?

He had a ship, a cargo ship, full of yo -yos.

And I hit this rock, and it sank 44 times.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the Sisters of the Rock.

Chant Chant

Chant

Chant

Chant

Chant

Every time I hear Chantant, chantant

An accumulator.

Ten pence.

And it won thousands and thousands of pounds.

And he went to his bookmaker, and his bookmaker said, I'm not a very big

bookmaker.

He said, I'm not one of the top line bookmakers.

Hello, Eddie. I didn't know you were in.

Didn't know you were in without the ticket.

Oh, good.

What was I talking about?

So, this scorpion...

So this Irishman backed ten pence.

I forgot the bling joke.

What?

Accumulator, yeah.

And he backed his horse for ten pence as accumulator.

Right?

And he went to his bookmaker and his bookmaker said,

I'm not a very big bookmaker.

I've done that, haven't I?

I thought I heard it.

He said, I told you what I've got to do.

He said, I'll pay you £1 ,000 this week, £1 ,000 next week, and we'll go on like

that.

And his eyes went, no, he said, I'm going to stand for that.

He said, give me my ten pence back.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, my guest star this week

has

got her feet firmly planted on the ladder

of success.

And apart from that,

She's my next -door neighbor ladies and gentlemen Sheila Burnett

The

moment I saw him smile I knew he was

just my style

How can I ignore the boy next door?

I love him more than I can say.

Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even tease me.

And he never sees me glance his way.

And though I'm a hot sore, the boy next door, affection

for me won't display.

I just adore him.

Do you know I've got a splitting headache?

I'll be honest.

It's just like an arrow in my head.

You thought it was real, didn't you?

I did the wrong.

What? Two watches? No, I've got millions of them. Look at that.

That's better, isn't it?

these cards from the tan into their top hat.

Missed.

Missed.

If I miss again,

I said, shoot my toe.

Fist.

I know, ladies and gentlemen, a trick I want to show you now, which you've seen

many, many times.

I've sawn a lady in half.

But I'm going to saw myself in half.

Tonight.

For the very first time.

Not that way, but down.

Down.

I should get inside the cabinet.

I should go inside and saw myself down from top to bottom.

Which has never been done before.

Ever.

He hasn't said it yet.

Inside.

I shall go inside this cabinet.

I'm coming in now.

I'm inside.

Thank you.

I tell you what I'd like to do now for me.

We're going to do little songs.

Old and new.

And old and new.

in the spring.

It's only spring.

We'd like to sing for you now for me some old songs and new songs.

And old songs and new songs.

And after that, we may sing some new songs and old songs.

But at the moment, we'll sing some old songs and new songs.

Thank you, Bob.