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All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1978 s01e01 September 11, 1978

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,260 Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cooper. 2 00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:17,940 Just like that. 3 00:00:57,529 --> 00:01:02,050 I'm going to produce 2 ,000 ducks. Ducks. 4 00:01:03,370 --> 00:01:04,690 In 20 seconds. 5 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:52,240 thank you 6 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,060 Who are you? I am the manager of this theatre. 7 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,120 Well, you've got a good job. We'll look after it. 8 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:44,440 What do you think you're doing? 9 00:02:44,860 --> 00:02:45,980 I'm producing ducks. 10 00:02:46,460 --> 00:02:48,360 You're producing ducks on my stage? 11 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,520 This is the new London Theatre, not Everdale Farm. 12 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:52,800 Now, get off the bus. 13 00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:10,370 Get the duck expert and get him a punt. I certainly will. 14 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,910 Right. Is there a duck expert here? 15 00:03:13,170 --> 00:03:14,170 Yes, sir. 16 00:03:14,350 --> 00:03:18,610 Well... What are you doing here? 17 00:03:19,110 --> 00:03:20,110 What are you doing? 18 00:03:20,870 --> 00:03:22,370 Well... Right, 19 00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:24,590 get that duck off. 20 00:03:25,270 --> 00:03:28,950 Get that duck... But we don't have the stage clear of ducks in five minutes. 21 00:03:28,990 --> 00:03:30,150 You're out of the sphere of air. 22 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:33,910 Well... Come on. Off, off, off, off. Get off. 23 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:44,160 Thank you. 24 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,160 Listen to that. 25 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:48,260 Thank you. 26 00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:50,700 Ah. 27 00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:53,120 Listen to that. 28 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:54,980 A citizen ovation. 29 00:03:57,920 --> 00:03:59,680 A citizen ovation. 30 00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:01,920 All right. 31 00:04:05,770 --> 00:04:09,630 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce my next guest artist. 32 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:12,210 The five Seagans sisters from Ireland. 33 00:04:12,830 --> 00:04:14,890 And they don't need any introduction. 34 00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:21,570 Because they already know each other. 35 00:04:24,290 --> 00:04:28,410 So here they are now. A nice big welcome to the sisters. 36 00:04:45,020 --> 00:04:48,960 Give me long 37 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:52,560 distance. 38 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:56,260 Long distance. 39 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:02,240 Give me hair. 40 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,060 One, two, three. Oh, operator. 41 00:05:10,030 --> 00:05:11,610 Thank you. 42 00:05:12,190 --> 00:05:13,590 Thank 43 00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:25,170 you. 44 00:05:53,740 --> 00:05:57,360 And every time she dialed it, she always got a call. 45 00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:00,020 Operator. Operator. Information. 46 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:43,380 I'd like to do now for me. 47 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,860 I'd like to show you now a wonderful illusion, a wonderful trick. 48 00:08:06,380 --> 00:08:07,660 The very famous... 49 00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:16,670 The very famous magic kettle. 50 00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:25,570 Now, from this kettle, I shall pour any drink you pour. Any drink you pour. 51 00:08:25,950 --> 00:08:27,070 From this magic kettle. 52 00:08:46,350 --> 00:08:47,350 and start raiding the head. 53 00:08:53,610 --> 00:08:55,310 And he drinks towards the end. 54 00:08:56,390 --> 00:08:58,670 What would you like, sir? 55 00:08:59,290 --> 00:09:00,290 A beer? 56 00:09:00,590 --> 00:09:01,870 Beer? Would you like a beer? 57 00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:03,970 Right, here we are. A pint of beer. 58 00:09:05,890 --> 00:09:07,830 Here we are, sir. 59 00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:09,990 What would you like, sir? A beer? 60 00:09:11,210 --> 00:09:12,210 Would you take that? 61 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,180 Gin and tonic. A gin and tonic. One gin and tonic, please. Right, gin and tonic 62 00:09:17,180 --> 00:09:20,980 coming up. Just taste that. Make sure it's gin and... Whiskey. 63 00:09:21,220 --> 00:09:23,160 Yes, a whiskey. Is it genuine? Is it genuine? 64 00:09:23,380 --> 00:09:24,820 There you are, that lady down there. 65 00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:28,080 A whiskey. A whiskey. Here we are. A scotch whiskey. Scotch whiskey. 66 00:09:28,380 --> 00:09:29,440 One genuine scotch whiskey. 67 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,320 Mmm. 68 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:35,380 Lovely. Could we have a... I'll give you a little Welsh whiskey, darling. 69 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,880 It is Welsh whiskey. Look, it's got a leak in it. 70 00:09:55,820 --> 00:09:57,620 Anything else you want? Yes, I want a packet of crisps. 71 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:03,440 A packet of... Well, before you have the packet of crisps, I'll tell you what I 72 00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,740 want you to do. I want you to go and get changed. 73 00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:08,540 What happened? For this wonderful big trick, wonderful big illusion. 74 00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:09,940 What big illusion? 75 00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:11,880 I'll tell you what it is. 76 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:16,340 This very big illusion is the very famous motorbike trick. Oh, ah. 77 00:10:17,140 --> 00:10:20,040 Very dangerous. Would you go off, please, to get changed? 78 00:10:20,460 --> 00:10:22,860 Yes. For this wonderful big illusion. 79 00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:23,999 Oh, okay. 80 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:25,000 The motorbike. 81 00:10:35,089 --> 00:10:36,410 Who wants the kettle? 82 00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,670 What? Who wants the kettle? Somebody wants the kettle? 83 00:10:40,010 --> 00:10:41,150 Right, alright then. 84 00:10:41,490 --> 00:10:43,490 Who wants this kettle as a souvenir? 85 00:10:52,970 --> 00:10:55,530 I'll take it off. I want the big ones, please. Sorry. Take it off. 86 00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,150 OK. 87 00:10:58,310 --> 00:10:59,189 Come on, then. 88 00:10:59,190 --> 00:11:00,410 We'll get the big one now. 89 00:11:05,930 --> 00:11:06,330 Ladies 90 00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:15,150 and 91 00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:17,750 gentlemen, now, this is where it comes to this wonderful big illusion. 92 00:11:18,770 --> 00:11:24,160 A wonderful big trick where she will drive up, that ramp very slowly. 93 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:26,760 Quietly. 94 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:33,460 And when she gets inside this crate here, the crate will go slowly in the 95 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:40,700 Slowly in the air, and when I tap my hand, she will disappear. 96 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,320 If the wind is in the right direction. 97 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,000 Are you ready? 98 00:11:49,060 --> 00:11:49,959 I'm ready! 99 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,190 Right. The very famous satisfied trick. 100 00:11:54,770 --> 00:11:56,150 In there and disappear. 101 00:11:56,490 --> 00:11:57,490 Right, ready? 102 00:11:58,430 --> 00:12:00,050 He's coming down. Come on then. 103 00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:10,610 Are you ready? 104 00:12:12,810 --> 00:12:14,270 If you're ready, I'll break... 105 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:47,820 Now, this is what they call a talent trail. 106 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:53,000 Because the next gentleman who's going to come on, I have never seen. 107 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,700 But the producer said he was wonderful. 108 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,600 Because they've been searching all over the country. 109 00:12:59,300 --> 00:13:00,300 This producer. 110 00:13:00,940 --> 00:13:02,480 He's producing a show here tonight. 111 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,760 He's a nice fellow. 112 00:13:05,140 --> 00:13:06,620 He nearly bought me a drink once. 113 00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:13,540 But I'd like to now introduce you to this man. 114 00:13:14,730 --> 00:13:17,390 He's a singer and he plays an instrument. 115 00:13:22,770 --> 00:13:26,270 And he's, some people say he's a virtuoso. 116 00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:32,970 But personally, I don't care what he does when he's not on the stage. 117 00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:40,270 But here he is now, I don't know what he's like, lost behind to Bob Blackburn. 118 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:54,580 This is how they'll never stop. Clippity -clop, clippity -clippity, clippity 119 00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,240 -clippity, clippity -clopping along. 120 00:13:58,340 --> 00:13:59,540 You'll train. 121 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:04,180 Clippity -clopping down a mountain chain. 122 00:14:05,020 --> 00:14:09,060 Soon they're going to reach the top. Clippity -clop, clippity -clippity, 123 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,220 clippity -clippity, clippity -clopping along. 124 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,780 There's a plot that's worth a fight for a minor in Corona. 125 00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,820 A guitar for a cowboy way out in Arizona. 126 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:23,040 That's right, the Cali call for pretty Navajo. 127 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,260 Get along. 128 00:14:27,860 --> 00:14:29,520 Get along. 129 00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:32,760 You will see. 130 00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:37,700 Liberty shopping through the wind and the rain. 131 00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:43,190 Seems to tell they'll never die. Clippity cloppity clippity clippity 132 00:14:43,190 --> 00:14:44,810 clippity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 133 00:14:44,810 --> 00:14:44,950 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 134 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:44,950 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 135 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:44,950 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 136 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:45,410 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 137 00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:45,410 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 138 00:14:45,410 --> 00:14:45,810 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 139 00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:51,170 cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity cloppity 140 00:14:51,170 --> 00:14:56,810 cloppity clopp 141 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,340 I'm just a born actor, all right? 142 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:20,320 I want someone here now just to think of any car. What do you think of a car, 143 00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:21,340 sir? 144 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:22,780 Any car you like in the back. 145 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,420 Don't tell me. Let me thought of one, sir. 146 00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:28,200 The gentleman there has just thought of a car. 147 00:15:35,780 --> 00:15:37,120 Put your place in there, sir. 148 00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:16,190 Take your children's cards from that pack, sir. 149 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:19,970 They may have seen a duck do that before. 150 00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:23,850 But be fair. 151 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:44,760 What was your answer? 152 00:18:03,380 --> 00:18:10,320 I'll put three different cards here on 153 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,320 there like that. 154 00:18:34,410 --> 00:18:35,410 different goal, honey. 155 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:39,330 Close the lid like that. 156 00:19:42,470 --> 00:19:44,670 Then you get three cards like this. Look. 157 00:19:52,010 --> 00:19:53,590 Three cards. There's the clubs. 158 00:19:54,330 --> 00:19:55,330 All right. 159 00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:57,510 I turn the ace of clubs over. 160 00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:00,010 I go like that. 161 00:20:01,550 --> 00:20:03,490 And there's the queen there right there. 162 00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:30,360 After the eight. 163 00:21:07,630 --> 00:21:09,750 And I tell you what, I don't know what language it is, do you? 164 00:21:12,050 --> 00:21:13,730 I turn the ace of hearts over. 165 00:21:20,330 --> 00:21:26,950 And I go, one, two, three, and the ace of hearts is gone. 166 00:21:33,310 --> 00:21:35,830 So the ice is fine, I'm gone. 167 00:21:43,790 --> 00:21:44,790 I mean, yeah. 168 00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:08,170 to sing some songs old and new. 169 00:23:09,630 --> 00:23:13,390 Songs which you may have heard before, songs which you may have never heard 170 00:23:13,390 --> 00:23:14,390 before. 171 00:23:14,710 --> 00:23:19,530 And songs which you never heard before will do now because you may have never 172 00:23:19,530 --> 00:23:20,530 heard them before. 173 00:23:23,190 --> 00:23:24,490 I don't want to talk about it. 174 00:23:28,790 --> 00:23:31,230 You must remember this. 175 00:23:32,010 --> 00:23:34,310 A kiss is still a kiss. 176 00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:37,690 That's how... is just as fine. 177 00:23:39,910 --> 00:23:45,370 There are funny little things in life as time goes by. 178 00:23:48,750 --> 00:23:50,990 I went to love and woo. 179 00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,150 They still say I love you. 180 00:23:54,390 --> 00:23:56,730 I bet you can rely. 12708