All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1975 s01e05 November 12, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without
any more ado, let's meet the star of our

show, here to entertain us with so many
minutes of Don't Ask Us Because We Don't

Know, Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

I feel so nervous I may do a trick ride.

Do you want a good laugh?

Here's a good... Do this tomorrow.

Go into an antique shop and say, what's
new?

What's that?

Why don't I get you front and back? Like
that there.

What?

I don't care what you think. I'm staying
in the showroom.

about to get dressed.

I don't know where I've come from.

I don't know where I've come from. I

don't

know where I've come from.

Did I strain my back?

I have. I was playing piggyback with my
little boy and I fell off.

I went horse riding the other day. Big
horse, only in hands. No feet, just

hands.

It looks good when they come out.

What are you doing there?

I'd like to sing for you.

You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

A sigh is just a sigh.

The fun.

I was a girl scout till I was 14. No
more boys, bro.

As time goes by.

Yes.

I shall never forget. the first time I
met her.

She was sitting on top of Waterloo
Bridge, dragging her feet in the water.

And she cocked one eye at me, and I
cocked one eye at her.

And they were stood together, cock
-eyed.

She had lovely long hair all the way
down her back.

Not on her head.

unusual teeth.

Both on top.

And she had a bit of a head on her
shoulders.

It would have looked much better on her
neck.

And then I took her, she had this
protruding teeth.

So I took her to the best dentist in
town.

And I got a wonderful set of teeth for
her.

Cost me a lot of money.

And then she left me.

It frightened me a bit.

And then she left me.

And after about a year, I saw her again.

And she looked at me.

And she laughed.

With my own teeth.

We'll talk with the man himself a little
later on. But right now it's time to

meet the lovely Lindsay DePaul. And I
don't know about you, Lindsay, but I get

tired of cracks about my height, do you?
I certainly get tired about being told

I'm small.

So do I. I worry about it so much I pace
up and down under the bed all night

long. And I wrote a song about it, and
it's called I'm Looking Underneath the

Four Leaves Clover.

Well, why don't we both walk tall over
to the piano? What are you going to do?

Dance on a Saturday night. Right.

Let's go, babe.

Boy, get on your dancing shoes, your
gold satin jacket.

Do you remember when tradesmen used to
deliver goods to your home? Well, it

doesn't seem to happen anymore, does it?
Unless, of course, it's at homes like

this. But even that could stop fairly
soon. After all, they never know what

they're walking into, do they?

Tell me, Doctor, have you examined Mummy
yet?

Well, don't worry, my dear. Dr. Heinrich
is here.

And as a psychiatrist, I must tell you,
your mother is suffering from a mild

case of shock.

You see, she has reverted to living her
life with a young girl. You know, in her

mind, now, she thinks it is 1918.

Oh, gosh, how absolutely frightful.

Tell me, is there nothing at all we can
do? Oh, yeah, yeah.

It is most important that we humor her,
that we share in her fantasies only

for the time being.

Oh!

Excellent, Lady Matilda. And tonight we
will have a little party, huh? Oh, yes.

Singing and dancing.

Will you help Castez bring out the grand
piano? Of course.

You see what I mean?

But do not worry. Leave it to Dr.
Heinrich. But there is no grand piano.

No grand piano? That is a mere detail. I
will explain that to the butler,

Castez.

It's near Coftell.

You mean she wants me to carry that
grand piano on my own?

Hello?

It's plunk in here with the sausages.

And the bristles.

How are you about?

Of course, isn't it hot?

Oh, it's hot.

I will punish him if he pushes me too
hard. Yes, I tried.

Now, don't push on the step. Push me.

You push me.

Now, Lady Matilda said not to push. Now,
I must punish you. Come here. Take

that. I hit you in the face.

Now,

I hit you in the chest.

Now,

I hit you in the glockenspiel.

It was your fault, wasn't it?

I mean, you've got to be honest.

I mean, you were pushing him, weren't
you?

You provoked him.

It was.

Look at the line there. We're bleeding
all over the place.

Stop staring at me with that one big
glassy eye.

Who are you?

And what do you want?

I'm plucking it with a sausage.

And the results. And I'm not paying for
them.

You're not going to leave him here, are
you?

Oh, I think you said... Hello, lady. How
are you?

You said that the man came in pushing
nothing and he spoke to a man and it's

there. Oh, it's...

I'm getting out of here.

Wait. I know that voice.

It isn't... Yes, it's Reggie.

Reggie Fanshawe.

Oh. No, no, no, no. It's Russell with
the plunkets.

Oh, darling.

I didn't know that you'd be home on
leave.

Tell me, Reggie, what's it like at the
front?

Oh, it's the same.

I get to the front.

And they sent me right in the back.

Oh. Well, I won't be introduced to
everybody.

Yeah? The yuckbicker, you know, of
course.

The Mallory.

The Colonel.

I'm sorry, Rick, I've been to church,
but I tell you, what am I talking about?

This is Reggie, my first and only love.

Tell me, Reggie, what happened to
Humphrey?

He's sent his kind regards.

Oh, how can you say that? You know
Humphrey fell in the song.

I know he did.

I knew he got wet, but he got out again.

That's where I'm going now. I want to
get out of here.

I need to leave the arches.

I should read my dreams away.

Reggie, you bought me a present from
Paris.

Oh, you are a darling.

Oh, Reggie, they are lovely.

They must be real.

No, they're beef.

Expensive, but that's what I'm paying
for, you see.

Now, come here, Reggie. I have got a
present for you.

Yes, a fan of clover for the trenches. I
knitted it myself.

Take your tin hat off, Reggie.

Let's see.

Oh, yes, it's Reggie. My God, thank God
you are safe.

Reggie.

Reggie, there is a big party in your
honor tonight.

Reggie. And you shall do your party
piece.

I still have the costume.

What's going on? Well, you see, I am her
psychiatrist. You see, she's going

under to my treatments. It is important
that you humor her.

Oh, I get it now.

In other words, there's no vicar, no
colonel, no piano.

No! Thank goodness for that otter who's
going nuts.

Excuse me, Classy.

I think all you've got to think about is
he's been there for ages.

There we are, Reggie.

There. Your favourite costume.

Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now,

Reggie, play the tune on the piano.

There's no piano here.

Of course there's no piano here. The
piano is there.

Of course, that's silly of me.

There's four of us.

What seems to be the trouble, sir? Well,
I went paying for my sausage and

bristles. Quite. Because they're all
starting to make me mad here.

Really? How much are your sausage and
bristles?

Two pounds.

Two pounds.

Better pay you that then, sir.

Thank you.

What, French francs?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome once again to Fez to Fez, in

this week we probe Tommy's mind on the
subject of animals. Does he like

Does he support the movement for the
preservation of endangered species?

Does he believe in performing animals?

Does he believe in pets, both ordinary
and bizarre?

Does he believe that animals... Excuse
me.

If you ask me the questions, I'll give
you the answers.

There's no good answer to the camera.
The camera doesn't know.

Look, I'm sorry, Tommy, but, you know,
I'm trying to set up the interview.

Yeah, but the camera doesn't know the
answer. You don't know the answer, do

No. So why talk to the camera? That's
fair, isn't it? No. Yes, you're quite

right. I'll ask... I mean, how can the
camera tell you what the answer is? I

can't tell you at all.

No. I'll ask you the first viewer's
question here, which says, do you like

animals?

Do I like animals?

Yeah, well, why animals?

Well, you see, the thing is, I had this
rather...

It's a rather funny story that I wanted
to tell.

He's laughing and he knows the story.

It's a very good story. I must tell you,
you'll like this story. This story is

about an old man, you see.

And he said to his wife, he said, did
you know that there's a snail on the

porch? And she said, did you kill it?
And he said, no, it got away.

Well, you don't have to finish it now.

Well, actually... No, finish it later.
Finish it later.

Actually, that is the finish.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh,
it's not bad, is it?

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh,
that is funny.

It's good, isn't it? Oh, that is.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. I
thought you'd like that. What we'd

like to know, Tommy, is do you like
animals? What do you think, for example,

about dogs?

Dogs? Yes.

No, I think the snail's funnier.

That is funny, isn't it?

The more I think of it, I don't even...
Did it kill it? No, it got away.

No, the dog's no... Forget the dog,
forget the dog.

If you cut the old man out, cut him out,
cut him out.

But keep the snail in.

Yes, keep the snail in.

You see, you don't really understand
what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at

is, what is your attitude towards pets?

I mean, notably cats and dogs.

Well, cats.

Yes. Yeah, well, I've got a story about
a cat. There was this lady, see, this

lady, his wife had a cat. Yes.

See? And she cooked a nice big meat pie
and gave it to her husband to take to

the office.

Yes.

And... You're thinking about the snail
again, aren't you?

I know you can't help it.

I'm like that. Oh,

what was I saying? Oh, yes.

So, this wife made this big pie, see?

Gave it to her husband to take to the
office.

And there was a little piece left over.

Oh, I know this one. This is a funny
one.

This is a good story.

No, no.

Who's telling the story?

I didn't interrupt you, did I? No,
that's quite right. I mean, the snail?

Yes, it's quite right. That's funny. I
must admit, it is quite right.

It's quite right.

I mean, what I'm telling now is semi
-jolly. It's all right.

So... She gave this cat some of this
pie, you see.

And he went out.

Yes. And he came back half an hour
later.

You know what I mean?

He didn't have to. He just thought, I'll
come back.

So he came back and he walked in like
that.

Or maybe like that. No, it was like
that.

And all his hair was standing up like
that. And his eyes were staring like

And all he'd turn right over on his
back, his legs up there, and his tail

as a poker.

That's right, that's right. And she
thought, she thought, the pie must be

poisonous. And so she thought, her
husband's eaten the pie, so I must ring

office. So she rang the office, didn't
she? And they put it out on the tannoy.

But it was too late, because he'd
already eaten the pie.

So they had to take him off to the
hospital. And he had the oxygen tents,

had the stomach pumps, and he had the
injections.

And all the time his wife's sitting at
home and she's getting worried.

She's in a panic. Her bottle's gone.

She thinks to herself... She thinks to
herself, what's happened to the old man?

And then suddenly the milkman arrives,
doesn't he? And the milkman says, how's

the cat?

And the wife says, how did you know
about the cat?

And the milkman said, half an hour ago I
knocked him down with a milk cart.

And the last thing you said, it was
lying there on its tail, on its back,

its tail up.