Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, without any more ado, let's meet the star of our

show, here to entertain us with so many minutes of Don't Ask Us Because We Don't

Know, Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

I feel so nervous I may do a trick ride.

Do you want a good laugh?

Here's a good... Do this tomorrow.

Go into an antique shop and say, what's new?

What's that?

Why don't I get you front and back? Like that there.

What?

I don't care what you think. I'm staying in the showroom.

about to get dressed.

I don't know where I've come from.

I don't know where I've come from. I

don't

know where I've come from.

Did I strain my back?

I have. I was playing piggyback with my little boy and I fell off.

I went horse riding the other day. Big horse, only in hands. No feet, just

hands.

It looks good when they come out.

What are you doing there?

I'd like to sing for you.

You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

A sigh is just a sigh.

The fun.

I was a girl scout till I was 14. No more boys, bro.

As time goes by.

Yes.

I shall never forget. the first time I met her.

She was sitting on top of Waterloo Bridge, dragging her feet in the water.

And she cocked one eye at me, and I cocked one eye at her.

And they were stood together, cock -eyed.

She had lovely long hair all the way down her back.

Not on her head.

unusual teeth.

Both on top.

And she had a bit of a head on her shoulders.

It would have looked much better on her neck.

And then I took her, she had this protruding teeth.

So I took her to the best dentist in town.

And I got a wonderful set of teeth for her.

Cost me a lot of money.

And then she left me.

It frightened me a bit.

And then she left me.

And after about a year, I saw her again.

And she looked at me.

And she laughed.

With my own teeth.

We'll talk with the man himself a little later on. But right now it's time to

meet the lovely Lindsay DePaul. And I don't know about you, Lindsay, but I get

tired of cracks about my height, do you? I certainly get tired about being told

I'm small.

So do I. I worry about it so much I pace up and down under the bed all night

long. And I wrote a song about it, and it's called I'm Looking Underneath the

Four Leaves Clover.

Well, why don't we both walk tall over to the piano? What are you going to do?

Dance on a Saturday night. Right.

Let's go, babe.

Boy, get on your dancing shoes, your gold satin jacket.

Do you remember when tradesmen used to deliver goods to your home? Well, it

doesn't seem to happen anymore, does it? Unless, of course, it's at homes like

this. But even that could stop fairly soon. After all, they never know what

they're walking into, do they?

Tell me, Doctor, have you examined Mummy yet?

Well, don't worry, my dear. Dr. Heinrich is here.

And as a psychiatrist, I must tell you, your mother is suffering from a mild

case of shock.

You see, she has reverted to living her life with a young girl. You know, in her

mind, now, she thinks it is 1918.

Oh, gosh, how absolutely frightful.

Tell me, is there nothing at all we can do? Oh, yeah, yeah.

It is most important that we humor her, that we share in her fantasies only

for the time being.

Oh!

Excellent, Lady Matilda. And tonight we will have a little party, huh? Oh, yes.

Singing and dancing.

Will you help Castez bring out the grand piano? Of course.

You see what I mean?

But do not worry. Leave it to Dr. Heinrich. But there is no grand piano.

No grand piano? That is a mere detail. I will explain that to the butler,

Castez.

It's near Coftell.

You mean she wants me to carry that grand piano on my own?

Hello?

It's plunk in here with the sausages.

And the bristles.

How are you about?

Of course, isn't it hot?

Oh, it's hot.

I will punish him if he pushes me too hard. Yes, I tried.

Now, don't push on the step. Push me.

You push me.

Now, Lady Matilda said not to push. Now, I must punish you. Come here. Take

that. I hit you in the face.

Now,

I hit you in the chest.

Now,

I hit you in the glockenspiel.

It was your fault, wasn't it?

I mean, you've got to be honest.

I mean, you were pushing him, weren't you?

You provoked him.

It was.

Look at the line there. We're bleeding all over the place.

Stop staring at me with that one big glassy eye.

Who are you?

And what do you want?

I'm plucking it with a sausage.

And the results. And I'm not paying for them.

You're not going to leave him here, are you?

Oh, I think you said... Hello, lady. How are you?

You said that the man came in pushing nothing and he spoke to a man and it's

there. Oh, it's...

I'm getting out of here.

Wait. I know that voice.

It isn't... Yes, it's Reggie.

Reggie Fanshawe.

Oh. No, no, no, no. It's Russell with the plunkets.

Oh, darling.

I didn't know that you'd be home on leave.

Tell me, Reggie, what's it like at the front?

Oh, it's the same.

I get to the front.

And they sent me right in the back.

Oh. Well, I won't be introduced to everybody.

Yeah? The yuckbicker, you know, of course.

The Mallory.

The Colonel.

I'm sorry, Rick, I've been to church, but I tell you, what am I talking about?

This is Reggie, my first and only love.

Tell me, Reggie, what happened to Humphrey?

He's sent his kind regards.

Oh, how can you say that? You know Humphrey fell in the song.

I know he did.

I knew he got wet, but he got out again.

That's where I'm going now. I want to get out of here.

I need to leave the arches.

I should read my dreams away.

Reggie, you bought me a present from Paris.

Oh, you are a darling.

Oh, Reggie, they are lovely.

They must be real.

No, they're beef.

Expensive, but that's what I'm paying for, you see.

Now, come here, Reggie. I have got a present for you.

Yes, a fan of clover for the trenches. I knitted it myself.

Take your tin hat off, Reggie.

Let's see.

Oh, yes, it's Reggie. My God, thank God you are safe.

Reggie.

Reggie, there is a big party in your honor tonight.

Reggie. And you shall do your party piece.

I still have the costume.

What's going on? Well, you see, I am her psychiatrist. You see, she's going

under to my treatments. It is important that you humor her.

Oh, I get it now.

In other words, there's no vicar, no colonel, no piano.

No! Thank goodness for that otter who's going nuts.

Excuse me, Classy.

I think all you've got to think about is he's been there for ages.

There we are, Reggie.

There. Your favourite costume.

Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now,

Reggie, play the tune on the piano.

There's no piano here.

Of course there's no piano here. The piano is there.

Of course, that's silly of me.

There's four of us.

What seems to be the trouble, sir? Well, I went paying for my sausage and

bristles. Quite. Because they're all starting to make me mad here.

Really? How much are your sausage and bristles?

Two pounds.

Two pounds.

Better pay you that then, sir.

Thank you.

What, French francs?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome once again to Fez to Fez, in

this week we probe Tommy's mind on the subject of animals. Does he like

Does he support the movement for the preservation of endangered species?

Does he believe in performing animals?

Does he believe in pets, both ordinary and bizarre?

Does he believe that animals... Excuse me.

If you ask me the questions, I'll give you the answers.

There's no good answer to the camera. The camera doesn't know.

Look, I'm sorry, Tommy, but, you know, I'm trying to set up the interview.

Yeah, but the camera doesn't know the answer. You don't know the answer, do

No. So why talk to the camera? That's fair, isn't it? No. Yes, you're quite

right. I'll ask... I mean, how can the camera tell you what the answer is? I

can't tell you at all.

No. I'll ask you the first viewer's question here, which says, do you like

animals?

Do I like animals?

Yeah, well, why animals?

Well, you see, the thing is, I had this rather...

It's a rather funny story that I wanted to tell.

He's laughing and he knows the story.

It's a very good story. I must tell you, you'll like this story. This story is

about an old man, you see.

And he said to his wife, he said, did you know that there's a snail on the

porch? And she said, did you kill it? And he said, no, it got away.

Well, you don't have to finish it now.

Well, actually... No, finish it later. Finish it later.

Actually, that is the finish.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, it's not bad, is it?

Did you kill it? No, it got away. Oh, that is funny.

It's good, isn't it? Oh, that is.

Did you kill it? No, it got away. I thought you'd like that. What we'd

like to know, Tommy, is do you like animals? What do you think, for example,

about dogs?

Dogs? Yes.

No, I think the snail's funnier.

That is funny, isn't it?

The more I think of it, I don't even... Did it kill it? No, it got away.

No, the dog's no... Forget the dog, forget the dog.

If you cut the old man out, cut him out, cut him out.

But keep the snail in.

Yes, keep the snail in.

You see, you don't really understand what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at

is, what is your attitude towards pets?

I mean, notably cats and dogs.

Well, cats.

Yes. Yeah, well, I've got a story about a cat. There was this lady, see, this

lady, his wife had a cat. Yes.

See? And she cooked a nice big meat pie and gave it to her husband to take to

the office.

Yes.

And... You're thinking about the snail again, aren't you?

I know you can't help it.

I'm like that. Oh,

what was I saying? Oh, yes.

So, this wife made this big pie, see?

Gave it to her husband to take to the office.

And there was a little piece left over.

Oh, I know this one. This is a funny one.

This is a good story.

No, no.

Who's telling the story?

I didn't interrupt you, did I? No, that's quite right. I mean, the snail?

Yes, it's quite right. That's funny. I must admit, it is quite right.

It's quite right.

I mean, what I'm telling now is semi -jolly. It's all right.

So... She gave this cat some of this pie, you see.

And he went out.

Yes. And he came back half an hour later.

You know what I mean?

He didn't have to. He just thought, I'll come back.

So he came back and he walked in like that.

Or maybe like that. No, it was like that.

And all his hair was standing up like that. And his eyes were staring like

And all he'd turn right over on his back, his legs up there, and his tail

as a poker.

That's right, that's right. And she thought, she thought, the pie must be

poisonous. And so she thought, her husband's eaten the pie, so I must ring

office. So she rang the office, didn't she? And they put it out on the tannoy.

But it was too late, because he'd already eaten the pie.

So they had to take him off to the hospital. And he had the oxygen tents,

had the stomach pumps, and he had the injections.

And all the time his wife's sitting at home and she's getting worried.

She's in a panic. Her bottle's gone.

She thinks to herself... She thinks to herself, what's happened to the old man?

And then suddenly the milkman arrives, doesn't he? And the milkman says, how's

the cat?

And the wife says, how did you know about the cat?

And the milkman said, half an hour ago I knocked him down with a milk cart.

And the last thing you said, it was lying there on its tail, on its back,

its tail up.