Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper!

And among those appearing in tonight's show are Michael Robbins!

And special guests are Reflection!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet the star of our show. Here he is, Tommy Cooper.

Thank you.

What? Well, you should be under this, shouldn't you?

Oh, dear.

I always say a friend in need is a pest. Get rid of him.

And if at first you don't succeed, forget it.

Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now.

It's a very famous egg bag trick.

Now, this trick starts very slowly, and it gradually peters out.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh,

dear, oh, dear. Price papers ain't your bag trick.

Ditto.

Look, I'm leaking.

I was walking along the street the other day. They all say that, don't they?

I was. I was walking along the street the other day. It was different.

And there was a little fence there, so I said to myself, I'll look over there.

I didn't have to, you know, but I just thought to myself, I will.

So I looked over it like that.

And there was a little chick in there.

A little roll -on in red.

And he didn't notice me for a minute.

He must have sensed I was there.

Because he turned around and he looked at me like that.

And I looked at him.

And he was looking at me like that. And I looked at him.

And then he went... So I... And he went...

And a policeman came along and arrested us.

very, very closely.

They say it will vanish in front of your very eyes and you won't have the

slightest clue where it's gone.

What are we looking at? There's nobody up there. What are we looking at?

out to thunderous applause.

It's not my night, is it?

I once been unlucky. Even when I was a little boy, I was unlucky.

I had a rocket once, and it died.

So, uh, I said to the doctor,

I said it hurts me when I do that.

He said, well, don't do it.

Oh, look at this. Water from India.

Was with a very long hot summer.

We would like some tea.

It's very hot.

It's a large one on century, you see.

It's on guard duty.

And it's about four o 'clock in the morning. It's very dark.

He's got the rifle there.

And

it's

turned in about four o 'clock in the morning.

Very dark.

And he falls asleep.

Now, that's a crime, isn't it?

I mean, they could put him aside for that.

Straight away.

So he's standing there asleep like that.

Not like that, like that.

Just standing there.

And all of a sudden, the sergeant major comes round with the only officer.

Marshal like that.

And now he's standing right in front of him.

And there he is asleep.

There's a slide to measure like that.

But all of a sudden, he just opens his eyes just a little bit like that.

Not much, just a little bit like that.

And he can see I'm standing there, you see.

So he's got to think quick now, hasn't he?

Yeah, otherwise he's got to be inside.

So he stands like that for a few minutes.

And he opens his eyes, he says, Amen.

You may think that you've heard every single story about World War II, but let

me tell you, this is not so. There's one experience that every soldier has

undergone, and that's when he's been asked to fight not the enemy, but in the

camp boxing tournament, and we do mean the camp boxing tournament.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a story of World War II of pure cowardice.

All right, sit down.

What's it like out there, then?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, you must have been in a fight.

I've never seen a face bash to bash about in all my life.

It's dreadful.

I haven't fought yet.

Oh, really?

I'm fighting you.

Have you had the gloves on before?

Yes, when I was ten years old.

You've been fighting since you were ten?

No.

My mother made me wear my boxing gloves so I wouldn't bite my fingernails.

You're going to bash the hell out of me, aren't you?

You're going to shove me up in front of the officers out there, I know.

There's always one.

I mean, I think it's a dead liberty getting two complete strangers to bash

out of each other just to satisfy some bloodthirsty CEO. I'm going to put him

complaint about it.

Really?

I have never boxed before in my life.

I don't want to get hurt.

I mean, can't we work something out?

Fake it?

I'm going to bash the hell out of you.

I don't care.

It

was

a very good idea of yours.

Well, fake it.

All right, then.

How are we going to go about it?

Well, well...

I think we'll start off... We'll start off with a...

Pardon?

Well, they all do that, don't they? You see, they all do that in the boxing

ring. They go... It looks good, doesn't it? And it sounds good. Yeah. It's good.

I think so. It's a good idea.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea. It's a good idea, isn't it? Probably a good

idea.

Is he with you? Come on. Let's try it.

Let's try it. All right. Now we're friends, yes. All right.

Right you are.

What was that?

I've got nothing more to say.

Righty -o. You ready?

You ready?

Should have went to clang then.

by two to one.

God, this is getting us nowhere.

I don't know about that. Oh, God.

I don't know. I think with one foot, I could be lying on the floor.

Well, just try a little tap on your shoulder.

Right, right, right.

Oh.

That wasn't too bad.

Now it's my turn.

No, no, no, no, no. Well, I've got to hit you.

No, we don't have to prove that now.

Because we know we don't have to prove it anymore, do we?

We don't, do we?

You big, clean puff.

What does he mean, clean puff?

Now, look, I have got it.

I have got a hit. you, otherwise I won't know whether I'm going to hurt you when

we cut the actual thing, am I?

Right. Well, all right, then. Well, just a little one, then. Right. Not like you

did to that locker.

No. No, right.

Where do you want it?

It's the only test of pain, isn't it? Oh, right.

How's that?

Very good. I like that very much.

From now on, keep them down there. Down there all the time. I can't hit you down

there while we're fighting.

Well, I can walk around the ring like that, can't I? Don't be so stupid.

I mean, that's hitting below the belt. Well, I won't wear a belt.

That's got nothing to do with it, you stupid great fool.

What are you, a fool?

That hurt me, that did.

Listen.

Do you want to fight?

I want to fight, yes. You want to fight? You want to fight? Yeah, I want to

fight. I want to fight. I want to fight. You want to fight. I want to fight. I

want to fight.

I don't want to fight. I don't want to fight.

Yuck. It's like cream puffs.

Oh, come on. Let's try again. It's having a workout.

Come on.

Come on. On your feet.

On your feet.

Right.

Go for his left eye, Jonesy. Watch out. I don't know. There's blood everywhere.

Now, then, for his guts, you don't like a pack of cards. Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Just a minute. What?

Can I have a quiet word with you? Yes.

Are you sure he's not with you?

Who? Tarzan.

Oh, yes, he's my second.

Well, you should have stuck with the first.

Tell him to keep out of this. Yes, you're quite right. You're quite right.

Cedric, Cedric.

Will you, uh...

We'll finally keep out of this.

We're trying to work out something together here.

Do you really think I could open up his left eye?

Of course you could. He'll go down like a pack of cards.

Ha -ha!

Yes, I really think I could take him. Ha -ha. Come on. Just a minute. Just a

minute.

You're not going to believe him, are you?

I thought you and I had an agreement.

I'll tell Sergeant. I'll tell him you've both been trying to cook up a fake.

You'll get shoved in jankers, you big cream puff.

I'm most awfully sorry I got carried away.

I tell you something, what are we going to do now?

Well, we can't fake it anymore, can we?

He's going to tell the Sergeant otherwise, isn't he?

Right, OK.

All right, over here, sir.

I'll tell you what we're going to do. We're going to get a real package, a

sack of punch.

No, not a pack of... A sucker punch. A sucker punch. A real punch.

Right.

Yes. See, we'll do a real sucker punch. Yes.

And it'll be all over, won't it? You're quite right.

It's worth it for one punch, isn't it? Yes. We'll try the sucker punch.

and welcome once again to Fez to Fez, an intense and searching interview with a

great mind.

Look, before you go on, I'd like to tell you a little joke.

See, I'll say, I'll say, it won't go on, it won't go on, and you say, what won't

go on?

I'm sorry, Tommy, but we do have to press on with the interview.

It will only take five seconds.

Nevertheless, I have a lot of very, very serious questions to ask you tonight. I

want to ask you about your family, your views on marriage, and so on and so

forth. And we haven't got the time. If you want to tell a joke, you save it

next time, right?

I want to get on with the serious questions of this interview.

I could have done the joke five times.

What have you been talking?

Now, the first question is the obvious one. Do you have a family of your own?

Yes. A boy and a girl.

Ah. So naturally, you have a wife.

Look,

if you're going to tell a joke like that, why can't I tell my joke?

Do you believe in the sociological compatibility of marriage as an

in the 20th century?

Look, as I said, it won't go on.

As I say, it won't go on, it won't go on, and he says, what won't go on?

It's all over like a flash. Just like a flash of light. What's your view on the

vexed question of relations within the family unit?

Well... I had a big aunt once.

And she was... What's the word I'm looking for?

An eccentric.

No, no, no.

What country?

Country?

Chile?

Romania?

Chili. That's it. Your great aunt with chili.

No, no, she wasn't. No, no.

Slightly cold, but not chili.

Finland.

Just a minute. I've got to chuckle there.

Well, if it wasn't chili, it could have been Finland or Austria or Brazil.

Brazil, that's it. Brazil.

She was nuts.

What made you think she was nuts?

Once she came back to this earth again, she'd come back as a chicken.

What's so funny? Well, I ate her this morning.

That's it, I've had it.

That's it.

I have... Smile, all right.

That is...

I don't know. I was... I was willing not to do this interview in the first

place. I mean, slaving over the question for hours and hours. Trying to do a bit

of research.

You've got sweat and blood. You come in here. What do you get? A load of

rubbish. I mean, you know.

I mean, I could have done it about half an hour ago. It just won't go on. It

won't go on.

Well, he's just dragging it out. He keeps dragging it out. He keeps talking

me. Oh, no, the rubbish he keeps talking to me about.

I know he's going to say...

No, I've got to say, it won't go on, it won't go on. He said, what won't go on?

That's it.

I mean, if this show doesn't get a lot, they're going to take it off. That's it,

they're going to take it off.

I mean that. It just won't go on, it won't go on. All right, what won't? This

show, I keep telling you, it won't go on.