Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper.

And tonight's guests are Norman Rossington.

Victor Spinetti.

special guest star, Lindsay DePaul.

And now, the star of our show, Tommy Cooper.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

What a lovely audience.

Well, I must say, you have been a good audience.

And I like to close it up, eh?

Oh, I've had a pain here all day.

Look at that.

Oh, isn't it hot?

It's the heat that does it.

It's different every time, isn't it?

Oh dear, oh dear.

Eh?

Oh, what a day I made. I went to see my doctor. I had to, he's ill.

And he said to me, he said, can I help you? I said, yes.

I said, I get these terrible dreams. He said, what's that? I said, I keep

dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me.

Beautiful girls, I keep pushing them away. They keep coming towards me, I

pushing them away.

He said, what do you want me to do? I said, break me up.

He said, I want you lying down on the couch. I said, what for? He said, I want

to sweep out.

I said, seriously, doctor. I said, seriously.

I said, seriously, doctor.

Seriously, doctor. I said, I have broken my arm in several places.

He said, well, you shouldn't go to those places.

Here's a quick joke.

man having a barbecue in the front garden. See, he turned the spit like

and the flames were getting higher and higher.

Higher and higher, see?

And he's singing. Oh, soul of me.

No music.

Oh, soul of me.

Farewell.

And the flames were getting higher and higher.

And a drunk walks by. He says, your singing's all right, mate. A monkey's on

fire.

Thank you.

My wife just told me, just before the show, and she said to me, I've got water

in a carburettor.

I said, where's the car? She said, in the river.

Oh, excuse me, that reminds me, just a minute.

Hello?

Is that the GPO?

Look, I won't complain about my... my phone bills.

They keep going up and up.

But why are they so big?

What?

Because of what?

As a man went into a pub, see?

He got a pint of beer, drank the beer, put the glass on the counter, turned to

the people on the right and said, you're a bunch of idiots.

And he turned to the people on the left and he said, you're a bunch of fools,

and walks out.

Next night he's back, pint, put the glass on the counter, turns to the right

says, you're a bunch of idiots!

And you're a bunch of fools, and he walks out.

There was a man sitting there.

And he said, look, if he comes in tomorrow night, he may not come in, I

know.

Well, you don't know, do you?

Well, he may, he may not.

Well, you can't blame me, can you? I don't care.

I don't want to say it. I don't know the fella. I don't care.

I don't care because he makes a difference to me.

But he came, he came in, got the beer, drank the beer with a clap on the cat

turned the people around. He said, you're a bunch of idiots and you're a

of fools.

And this man said, just a minute, I'm not a fool.

He's what joined the idiots over there.

Thank you.

Hey,

look what you've done to every word that I say.

Well, there's nothing like a few laughs to ease the tension a bit, but some

people take it more scientifically. For example, some psychiatrists say that the

best way to relieve tension is to throw crockery against the wall.

Cooper, the new waiter.

Ah, yes, of course, Cooper.

Do come in through that door, would you?

Yes.

I spoke to you on the telephone this morning. Yes, that's right, sir. I am

head waiter.

Oh, yes.

You know, of course, that the Flamingo is one of the most exclusive restaurants

in the world.

Yes, I know that, sir. Oh, you know that. Well, I'd be very wealthy.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You lost your money?

Uh -huh. Gambling too much? No, I ate here too much.

It was cheaper to eat money.

Yes, yes.

Well, you have had some experience of our standard of service.

Oh, yes, I have, sir.

I don't know how you do it.

We all have our little secrets, you see, Cooper.

Because, you see, no matter how nasty things get out there in the restaurant,

they do get very nasty indeed. People become very rude and overbearing and

demanding. Each and every waiter knows they can come in here and let off steam,

shout, curse, scream, throw little china things up the wall.

And we'd like you to look upon this as your friendly room.

Friendly room? Yes.

Thank you.

You see, no matter how nasty things get out there, you must, Cooper, keep

smiling. Because in here, you can do as you like.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir.

I mean, out there is a nasty room where I have to be nice.

And in here is the nice room where I can be nasty.

Well, yes, roughly speaking, yes. We'd like you to look upon this as your

friendly room. Friendly room. Yes.

Thank you, yes.

You seem a bit over -anxious. I am a bit, yes. A bit nervous, a bit tense? A

little bit, a little bit, yes. Would you like to relieve your tension a bit?

Yes, all right. Of course, well then, have a scream and a throw.

Can I have a throw and a scream?

By all means. All right.

any better.

Marvellous.

Oh, the noodles and all that's done my spine have all loosened up.

Lovely. Yes, of course. Well, have another one. Can I? Oh, of course.

Jack, would you do that all night? Yes, wonderful.

Well, any time you feel like it. Any time you feel like it at all. But

Cooper, and this is very important, in the restaurant, it's always the smile

the whip up.

Please don't keep doing that. Well, yeah, I thought you said it was a

room. Yes, of course. Well, now, Cooper, carry on, Cooper. Thank you, sir. Good

luck, Cooper. And, Cooper, check your smile in the smiling mirror as you go

Oh,

and, Cooper... Cooper...

Waiter.

Yes, sir. Any danger of any service?

I'm sorry, I've just come on duty, sir.

I wonder if you'd like to look at the menu while you order some drinks.

We'll have two gin and tonics and don't take all night about it.

I know that menu off by heart, you know.

I can tell you exactly what's for starters, what's for main course, and

for sweets. I don't need your love. You have what you like. You can have the

caviar, you can have the smoked salmon, you can have the salad, anything you

like.

Oh, you don't have to worry about that here, sir.

April is over. There isn't an hour in the month. Well, it doesn't matter here,

sir, because April follows Ray, Rune and Realisation.

I don't want any funny remarks. Just service.

Yes, sir. I wonder if the madam would like some prawns in aspect.

I'll say what we're going to have. Oh, no, dear. They're only trying to be

helpful. You shut it. They're pushing the leftovers on us. I know.

No wonder all the waiters are foreign. English waiters are diabolical. He is

typical of them. They give you no service, and they want a whacking great

the end of a long drink of water like this. All that together is anything over

me. I eat here regularly. I not only eat here, I eat in every restaurant.

Not only the big ones, the little ones, every one. It's in my job. I eat long

enough.

Well, I'm not afraid of him, or anyone like him, no.

these things on the table and you have to throw my wine glass.

Get me another one.

Are those out of the friendly room?

Get it yourself.

Well, maybe.

Waiter, waiter.

Luke. I owe you an apology. I was a bit rude earlier on. You know he didn't mean

it. Shut it, shut it.

You're doing a grand job, lad, and we will have the oysters.

Right, thank you.

There you are!

Where's my wine glass?

You want some wine, sir? Wine? I have some wine. I want my wine glass.

Would you like some oysters, sir? Oysters?

Oysters? Who's talking about oysters? There's no hour in the month. I just

my wine glass.

Get me my wine glass, you swine.

Certainly, sir.

The swine will get you your wine glass.

Straight away, sir.

Your reputation as a high -class restaurant is over. I don't know whether

are aware who I am, but you soon will be. Here is my card. Come on, you.

You. Come on. Yes.

Come on. Oh.

Do you know who that was?

No, I don't.

That was Sir Parsimony Fry.

The international gourmet.

That's who that was.

Parsimony Fry? Yes.

Well, I didn't know that.

I got all confused, you see.

Because all this is going on is because I thought this was a nasty way to be

nice. And then there was a nice way I could be nasty.

You know what I mean?

And I got confused.

And I was nasty in both rooms, you see.

Shut up!

You're fired!

Yes. No.

In here.

Now then, once and for all, Cooper, in here you can do what you like.

Welcome to Fez to Fez, an in -depth interview with our stars.

Now, tonight, Tom, we're going to ask you some questions on behalf of our

viewers and find out, as it were, your innermost thoughts.

So I'll ask you the first question now, which says, does Tommy Cooper believe in

metempsychosis?

See, that's funny you ask me that, because a man asked me that two or three

ago. Pardon?

But what I'm trying to get at is this. Do you think that on Earth, everyone has

a double?

I had a double just before the show.

No, no, no.

I don't mean that. I mean, do you mean that we all have somebody who looks

exactly like us?

None of us look like you, I tell you.

That's nice, isn't it? That really is nice. I know what you think.

You think that we were all born before. You think that we were all born before

as someone else.

That I believe.

Right, all right. Well, who were you before you were Tommy Cooper? Well, I

feeling I was a Viking slave on a galley ship. Really? Well, what makes you

think that?

Because my back aches.

And another thing, never mention the word whip, because you'll get me rowing

straight away.

Whip? You should have done it. You see, you got me going.

Look, how do I stop you? You can't.

You can never stop the galley slaves now. Once they start, they keep rowing

rowing and rowing until they drop. Look at them. They're all dropping. They're

all dying like flies.

Well, are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm the lucky one. Why, sir?

they forgot to give me a whore.

Land ahoy!

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Well, it was a welcome rest, wasn't it? It certainly was.

It's quite obvious from that story that you were there in those days. Oh, yes.

But I'd like to see a little evidence if you have some.

All right, as a matter of fact, I have it right here, Lord.

Oh, that's... That's a Viking whore, a genuine Viking whore. Yes, oh, yes.

Listen.

Doesn't sound much, does it? No.

But five minutes from now, this place will be full of Vikings.

Well, in that case, I think we'd better say goodnight. I think you're right,

yeah. Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight.