Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Tommy Cooper Hour!

Among his guests tonight are Cool Breeze!

And Nina Martell!

And now...

in person, the punster in the fez, that gaga giant from Chiswick, Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

That's right.

Thank you.

I'd all like to show you now a photograph of that wonderful

Houdini.

He's gone away again.

Tommy Cooper!

Fuck off.

Can't fall down. Got my finger there?

The very famous Indian rope trick.

You may have seen this trick because I'll tell you what happens.

and throws it into the air, and it stands up on its own, and a boy climbs

I will now make that jump from there down to there.

From there down to there. It's a whole, whole horror.

Famous Indian rope trick.

eat no feet.

His wife could eat no lean.

So between the both, you see, they died of starvation.

So I met this man at the airport.

And he said to me, would you like to share a taxi with me? I said, yes.

He said, well, you take the wheels, I'll take the engine.

I'm so fed up with this.

We, Willy Winkle, run through the town, upstairs and downstairs,

in his nightgown.

And you think I'm nuts.

What's next?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king's horses and all the king's men said, I want to hell with it.

The vanishing bouquet of flowers.

It's not my fault, though, right?

It was all right for a long time.

All right, Tom, that's it.

Now it's time for Cool Breeze.

You're certainly right.

Don't mistake me so literally. I'm only trying to introduce your first guest,

the group Cool Breeze. Oh, yes, with hot music.

You close your eyes.

I heard you sigh.

Do it some more. Do it some more. Do it some more.

The story begins with an actress rehearsing her life.

And a word is saying.

Water. Well, get your own water, lovey. I haven't got time.

Harry, do you think we can go through that stagging scene before we leave?

We've got to leave to the studio in a couple of minutes.

I know. We're going to be late, aren't we?

Take it from Dr.

Frankenstein, OK? Right. Right. Now, you're there, aren't you? Mm -hmm.

The perfect one.

What do you mean?

I'm going to marry her to my second generation.

Young and strong like your own. Oh, no!

Oh, no, leave me alone!

Leave me alone! Please!

Will you chill?

Oh, I beg you, please!

Please! I'm sorry, my dear.

Don't die.

The window cleaner. He wanted a bucket of water a minute ago. Seems to have got

one. Look,

we'd better hurry.

Yes, we're going to be late. Bring a script.

Oh, yes.

You know what Damida said to me in the canteen yesterday?

Tell me. Look, she was out with this tour, and yes, we have no pyjamas.

And the leading man, apparently.

He's hidden the body.

But look, he's left a handbag. There may be a clue in there. We'll have a look.

I will.

I saw you drop that. You stay where you are. You're under arrest. What do you

think?

What do you think you're doing? I'll get you for this. What are you talking

about? I saw him strangle it. I saw it. I saw it.

I saw him strangle a lady. Do you know that? In a flat. I was looking through

the window. I saw him strangle a lady.

He could have let that run the through.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Well, it wasn't me. It was him.

I saw him. He's a murderer.

If it's a fight you're looking for, I'll take you on any time you like.

Television London.

That's a clue, isn't it?

Give me some.

You've got your stick through my hand.

Don't worry about that.

Thank you.

And this man got this woman around the throat and started strangling her.

Just got around her throat like that.

Yes, can I help you?

Yes.

Do you know him? Does he work here? Yes, Studio C.

You go straight down there, turn right, turn left, and then straight on, turn

left, turn right. Straight on there? Yes.

Turn there, turn there, and straight on, and turn there, and turn there.

Straight on, turn right, turn... Left, straight on, left, right, right. I've

it. I've got it.

Harry's just told me we've got to keep our eyes out for a tall idiot with a

handbag. He's a robber.

Let me see a mixed one.

Beautiful.

Oh, lovely, isn't that? It all went well, didn't it?

Okay, ready?

Why me?

Why me?

I've tried.

I've cleared all this up. I've got all my buttons and everything's going wrong.

And I know who's to blame.

Let's go.

What did you say?

This is a tape.

What do you mean?

I need a new heart for my second creation.

Young and strong.

to your bridegroom, my dear.

Come on.

Where?

Behold.

It's in a beauty.

This calls for a little celebration.

Pour the drinks.

Where are the drinks? On the table.

On the table.

On the wall.

Where's the wall?

Well, I can't see, can I? Oh,

you're right.

Aha!

Murderer!

That's right, you're a murderer!

Strangler!

Strangler!

I saw him strangle the girl. Girl? What girl? Girl? What girl? You.

Me? What are you doing standing up? What are you doing?

that whenever we meet with a fellow citizen in distress or see a wrong that

should be righted, let us all, one and all, mind our own business.

Pardon me, thou fleeting piece of earth, but I am meek and gentle with these

witches.

Thou art the ruin to the noblest man.

I've spent three months in jail over you.

I know. You're cleaning the windows, aren't you?

No.

Push off.

I am the Grand Gentleman.

I know, ladies and gentlemen, there's a young lady that can appear on this show

any time she likes.

The more time she comes on, the better chance he has of remembering her name.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lena Horne. Lena Martell.

Oh, Martell. I love that. Especially with ice and soda. I love that.

Ladies and gentlemen, no ice, but lots of fizz. Lena Martell.

Till the Lord comes to call me awake.

Well, the morning is bright.

And the lamb is the light.

And the night is as fair as day.

There'll be peace in the valley.

flowers will be blooming in the grass

there will ever be.

In the valley.

And now, welcome once again to another pretty grotesque chapter in the Tommy

Cooper story.

And this time, we're dealing with Tom's school days.

Now, what was life like at Chizzy Grammar, Tom?

Well, it was the happiest time of my life. Ah. Any particular reason?

Yeah, it was a girl's school.

I should have known that. Ah, of course. Lovely.

Now, did you have any particular ambition at school? I mean, was there

you wanted to grow up into? Yes, I wanted to be an actor.

An actor? Yes, I mean, because I look a little bit like Gregory Peck.

A little bit like who?

Well, I mean, I'm a spit image of Gregory Peck.

Well, your image does make me spit from time to time. I must admit that, yes.

I mean, do you know, only this morning I looked in the mirror and I saw Gregory

Peck. Oh, Tom, how can that possibly be?

Well, I... His photograph was stuck on the mirror.

You know, Tom, you're really a bit vain, aren't you? I mean, I notice you always

seem to laugh at your own jokes.

No, I wasn't laughing at my joke.

I was laughing at yours, about the spitting image. That's funny. I like

I think you like that, Tom. It really is funny.

What do you think of it? Did you learn anything at school?

Did I learn anything at school? Yes.

Well, I always say that the sun shines on the lower side of the hill.

Oh, I think that's totally... I mean, that's...

What does that mean exactly?

I don't know, but I always say it. I don't know.

You see, my father was a great philosopher.

Oh, yes.

And he said to me, it doesn't matter if you let love slip through your fingers

or any money slip through your fingers, but when your fingers slip through your

fingers, you're in trouble.

It's semi -jolly, that, isn't it?

You know, I think you're trying to tell me, Tom, that you don't believe in

education.

Well, I wouldn't say... Well, not really. I mean, I knew a teacher once

given this religious instruction. Oh, yeah. And this teacher said to this boy,

who knocked down the walls at Jericho?

And he said, I didn't do it.

And he said, if I knew who did it, I wouldn't tell you.

That's what he said. He said, I wouldn't cross on anybody.

So this teacher was having lunch.

No. And he said to this other teacher, he said, what a funny school this is. He

said, my first day here.

He said, I asked this boy who knocked down the walls of Jericho and he said he

didn't do it.

And he said, if he knew he did it, he wouldn't tell me because he wouldn't

on anybody.

So this teacher said, wasn't he a little fair -haired boy with freckles? He

said, yes.

He said, well, if he said he didn't do it, he didn't do it.

teacher the same teacher he went along to the educational board to see the

officer there and he said to him he said do you know it's a funny school he said

i'm at he said i said to this boy who knocked on the water jericho and he said

laughing i know

what's coming next

And he said, who knocked the door to Jericho? He said it twice.

And he said, I didn't do it.

And he said, if I knew who did it, I wouldn't trust anybody.

See?

So, I was speaking to this other teacher, and this other teacher said,

told this other teacher.

I said, I don't know what I'm talking about now.

I said to this teacher, to this other teacher,

I would talk to this boy, I said.

Who knocked on the walls of Jericho?

See, and he said he didn't do it.

He said, and if he did, he didn't know, he wouldn't tell anybody.

Because he wouldn't tell anybody.

And this Jesus said, what did the fair man tell you?

And he said, yes.

He said, what if he didn't do it?

He said, I believe he didn't do it.

Sir, this education officer now thinks it's disgusting.

He said, well, don't worry about it. He said, I'll set a bricklayer on tomorrow

morning.

Gosh,

I think that's awful, Tom.

I mean, did they ever find out...

Isn't that amazing?

Ah! Oh,

I've been working on that for years. I've got quite a repertoire of tricks

You do?

Would you like me to do another one for you? Yes.

Well, I could saw you in halves into two bits, but maybe one bit's enough.

Do you know the shirt trick?

Not offhand.

Not offhand?

Well, how would it be if I tried the shirt trick on you?

Why not?

All right.

I will try.

Now, we've got to... We've got to undo a few... He's very

suave, isn't he?

Not for long, unless I can get these buttons undone. No, just... There we

What are you trembling for?

Trembling?

What are you sweating for?

Tie off?

Of course.

Okay. Yes.

There you are.

Couple of buttons undone. Oh, yes.

What are you doing? Trying to hypnotize me?

There we are, I think.

Oh, my goodness, we're not.

One more.

The suspense is killing me.

Are you watching this, ladies and gentlemen?

Drum roll!

Wait a minute.

Make it an egg roll.

Are you right?

Ladies and gentlemen!

do the shirt trick.

Are you prepared to do it?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've done it a long, long time ago. No, no.

Do you want to do it?

Come on. I want you to do it. They want to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, do you want to do it?

No, you don't.

Your fans demand that you do the shirt trick. You don't want to see me do it,

you? Yes, you do.

Henry Cooper. Henry Cooper. It's Gladys' boy.

Now, Tommy, you've got the chap here. Can I lead you to it?

To do the shirt trick? Yes, all right. Ladies and gentlemen, that popular duo,

Tommy Cooper and Henry Cooper, the ex -heavyweight champion...

I know your face.

I mean,

I come from a long line of boxers.

Except my father is a Cocker Spaniel.

Do you know, I was in the ring once with Cassius Clay.

Go on. No, really, all my life. I was, yes.

And I got him worried.

I did.

He thought he killed me.

And I was like that.

I'm going to do that.

I'm going to do the... You don't know what it is, do you? I don't. Well, I'll

show you.

Well, could you just be so kind and do your buttons there? Look.

I'll do that.

Because you're not trim, are you? No, I'm not trim. I won't.

Yes, that's right.

Have you done both?

Yeah. Right, I'll just take your tie.

Yeah. It's a good tie, isn't it? Oh, it's very nice.

Shall I do it, mate? Yeah, it's all right, then.

Thank you.

Undo the buttons, will you? Undo the buttons. Yes, that's all right.

There's a ripple coming up, Roy.

Right. Right.

Now, I'm going to do... You saw, I'm going to do exactly what you just see.

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to take your shirt off.

It's an handmade shirt. Yes, I'm going to take it off without taking the coat

off. OK.

Right? Yeah. I haven't done this for a long time.

. .