All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1973 s01e08 Vic Damone - December 25, 1974

Ladies and gentlemen, the Tommy Cooper
Hour.

With his guests tonight, from France,
Audrey Tahone.

Guess who from Chiswick? Your favorite
host and star, Tommy Cooper!

I'll just come back from Manchester.

I want to walk.

Here's a quick impression. Look, quick
impression.

Of an aeroplane that's lost.

about the short -sighted bank robber.

He went to the bank, he says, stick them
up.

Are they up?

Here's a little trick, look.

Six. I saw another magician do this.

This is not my trick.

Six, three, four, one.

Six, three, four, one. Six.

the reason why, because I just went off
with a part in a film.

I have, really.

And it's a very sympathetic part. Very
sympathetic.

It's funny. I've made my nose fix my
teeth on work.

It's a very sympathetic part.

I'll give you a rough idea what it is.

The scene opens like that.

It's a thatch cottage, all made of
thatch.

And there's a lot of violins going.

Be better than that.

And,

uh... Oh, yes.

And the dear old lady sits in the chair
there, armchair there, dear old lady,

dear old man sits in the armchair there.

There's a baby in the cot and a dog on
the mat.

And I have this very sympathetic part.

I creep in through the door and I hit
the old man on top of the head.

He doesn't say much. He just goes, oh.

It wasn't loud.

It was just, oh.

See? Then I stab the lady in the back.

She doesn't like it.

She doesn't like it.

Then I strangle the baby.

Now, this is where the sympathetic part
comes in.

On the way out, I pat the dog.

I was walking along the street the other
day.

They all say that, don't they?

I was walking along the street the other
day, I was looking over a little fence,

and I saw a little chicken there, a
little chicken.

A little Rhode Island Red.

See?

I looked at it, it didn't see me for a
minute.

Then he turned and looked at me like
that.

He had a bit of a stiff neck.

And he went... So I... And he went...

And the policeman came along and
arrested him for using foul language.

Now, here's a little trick I'd like to
do for you now.

Here's a little trick I like to show you
now. All right, eyes down looking.

Eyes of spines.

Eyes of diamonds.

And the ace of hearts.

Wait a minute.

Eyes of diamonds, ace of hearts, that's
it.

And the eyes of...

I want somebody to give me an odd number
between one and four.

Any odd number between one and four?

Three. Right, three it is.

One, a two, a three.

That's three.

That's it. I'll put those three down
there.

Here we got here.

The ice of spades. Ice of spades.

over and I go on the door like that and
I put one guy down there one guy down

there one guy down there and the ice of
spades is gone

You turn the ice at clubs.

That's a terrible class.

Ice at clubs are over like that.

And you go, one, a two, a three, and
it's the ice at clubs.

Disappear negative.

the handkerchief out.

Thank you.

What a lovely audience.

Now, as you all know, this is the trick.

It is the trick.

Now, I'll let you show how it's done,
you see, but I must slow down, but I

do that because I work very, very fast.

I work very, very fast.

As a matter of fact, I belong to the
magic circle.

I belong to the secret six.

It's so secret, I don't even know the
other five.

What was I talking about? Oh, yes.

I like to slow down for you, you see,
but I can't do it because I work very,

very fast.

But I tell you what I do, I'll ask the
producer if he would just play it in

motion relay, like they do on a football
match.

You know, so if you don't know how the
trick is done, at least you know how to

score a goal.

May I have slow motion relay, please?

I'll tell you what I'll do now. What's
that? I'll tell him.

We'll have a little kind of a musical
interlude now, a kind of a signal.

It'll be a change, won't it?

All right, could you bring me on the
piano, please?

I've done that before, but they held it.

That's it. All right, you can go now,
fellas.

Oh, just a minute. I'll tell you what
I'll do. Don't go.

Not yet.

I'll make this piano disappear like I
did before in slow motion, like I did

handkerchief. All right?

I think you better go, fellas, otherwise
I'll make you disappear as well.

All right?

Slow motion. Make the piano disappear
again. Slow motion replay, please.

Place is not the same somehow.

There's a jukebox playing loudly now
that wasn't here then.

Oh, tell me, by the way, does he
still...

That's nice, isn't it? Eh?

Oh, shut up.

Ladies and gentlemen, lots of people
have asked Tommy how he came across

phrases of his, just like that, no, not
like that, like that.

I like that.

But the facts of the matter... That's
enough.

I'm not going to talk about it. You're
not going to... You just have. The facts

of the matter are that the story is so
very painful to Tom that he really can't

talk about it. I'm not going to talk
about it. No, of course not.

because it's the reason why he lost his
very first job as a policeman at his

local station of Lower Rotting -on -the
-Mold.

No, no.

However, although he's not going to talk
about it, he has agreed to show us.

That's right, Tom?

Oh, I'll show you. Yes, I'll show you.
Go on. I'm not going to talk about it.

No, don't talk about it.

No, no.

So over now to Lower Rotting -on -the
-Mold in the year 1948.

Yeah, but I'm not going to talk about
it. Oh, all right. Get on with it. All

right. Yes.

I'm not going to talk about it.

Yes, Miss Pringle?

Yes. In five minutes?

Yes. Well, take your time, Miss Pringle.

Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

Aye, aye, aye.

PC5?

Yes, Sarge?

I've got a job for you.

I've already got a job, Sarge.

What do you mean? The one you gave me
this morning. All those disguises, you

know. Oh, yes, yes. Can't you remember?

You told me to disguise myself.

Yes. See?

And then go into the market.

See? I mingle with all the crowd.
Mingle, I do remember that. But I won't

them know who I am.

See, don't let them know who I am. See?

And then I'll look out for pickpockets.

And not let them know who you are, eh?
No, I won't tell them. You daft apeth,

they'll catch on to you in five seconds.

What's that, Sarge?

Your boots, lad.

Your big converse beetle crushers. They
spot you a mile away.

Oh, well, I'd change them, Sarge. Never
mind about that. Now, I want you to take

part in an identity parade.

In fact, as it's a Saturday.

You are the identity person.

Me, Sarge? Well, why not?

You're the master of disguise, lad.

So you can be all the suspects.

Now, here's the list.

Here we are.

Yes. Right.

What's all this, Sarge? Well, it's this
Miss Pringle. She says she's been

molested by a man.

Oh, not Miss Pringle again. I'm afraid
so. She'll never get molested.

She's got a face like a bag of chisels.
Yeah.

I know she's only looking for us, but
we've got to go through the motions

because, as you know, she's a very good
friend of the chief constables.

Why don't you marry her?

You just go and get your disguises
ready. He's a good lad.

I'll just check up on him. Right you
are.

Where is he? Where is he?

Bring him up. Ah, Miss Springer. There
you are, Sergeant. Right, I'm ready.

Bring out your prospects.

Right, well, if you'd kindly sit down
over here. Thank you very much.

I shall recognise the filthy beast.

I shall know his evil face anywhere.
Yes, I'm sure you will, Miss Pringle.

Cousin, will you bring in the suspects,
please? Thank you.

Now, we've got a very interesting list
of suspects here for you, Miss Pringle.

The first one is Harry the Flash.

He hangs around dark alleyways and unlit
roadways and such like.

Would you please bring in Harry the
Flash?

He's a very undesirable character. He
never washes.

Well, then it's certainly not the man.

No. Now, would you please bring in the
next suspect?

Constable? No one. Bring in Charles St.

John Backwater. What do you think of
that, sir? Just get off. Get off.

Now, the... What's that? What's that?
Get off.

The next character, Miss Pringle, is
Charles St.

John Backwater, otherwise known as...

Charlie the Khan.

Now, he frequents resorts like Nice and
Cannes, and he relieves widows

of all their loot.

Would you, um, would you please send in
Charlie the Khan?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

He doesn't usually frequent these parts,
so I doubt whether it's him.

It could be him. Yeah, and he's also a
wife -beater.

Oh, but it's not him. No. Now, please
bring in the next suspect, constable, if

you would.

Who's that? Just get off. Look at this.
Oh, look at this.

Sorry about that.

Now, the next constable, the next
suspect, he's, um... He's 22, and

he... Would you care to sit down? Thank
you, sir.

And he's, uh... Six foot two.

And he's a vagrant.

And he's not ready yet.

And he's not ready for society yet.

In other words, he's a local gypsy
character known as Rudolph.

But I doubt whether he's your man,
because he's a very nasty bit of work.

In fact, he hates women. He can't stand
a sight of them. A woman -hater? Oh, no,

Sergeant. No, I'm sure that's not... Not
the man.

Not... Not from the way he handled me.

I don't want to see him. Bring in the
next one.

Would you please send back Rudolph?

That's not the man.

I'd like another look at Charlie the
Con. Yes.

Yeah, well, would you please bring back
Charlie the car?

I think he's gone home, sir. Look in the
front.

Get him back. Get him back.

I'm very sorry about this, Miss Pringle.

Oh, I think the chief constable will
hear about this. I'm sure he will. You

we can even... Hello, hello.

How do you do? Here I am again.

But that's not the man.

Haven't you got any more nice suspects?
Yeah, would you please bring in some

more...

Just get off and get some... I'm
terribly sorry. We're getting a very

of suspect here these days.

Evidently. I mean, we are casting our
net, you know. We are casting it in

rotting and middle rotting.

Well, it wasn't my fault, Sarge.

I was running on the bike, you see. Yes.

And this lady was in front of me, and a
lorry came towards us, and I just waved

it on.

You mean, just like that?

No, not like that. Just like that.

He did it again.

Arrest him!

Arrest him! All right, then.

Off to the cells.

What, just like that?

No, not like that. No? Like that.

Golly, hard luck, Tom.

Well, I'm not going to talk about it.
No, let's not start all that again. I

you're going to talk about your next
guest artist, though.

Oh, of course, because I'm very proud
indeed to announce that international

singer from America, Dick Velcro.

Dick Velcro.

That's a spoonerism, Tom.

Of course it is.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, he not
only sings, but he plays a spoon.

A spoonerism doesn't quite mean that,
Tom.

It's when you get the first letters of
the words mixed up. Now, I'll give you

example. I'll say you wanted to say
Greta Garbo, and instead you said

No, that's not a terribly good example.

No, it wasn't, no. Anyway, you didn't
mean Dick Velcro, did you? You meant Vic

Damone. Well, whatever his name is, he's
a Feisneller.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the U .S. of
A., that seedlinger... I'm a nice

fellow. He's a Feisneller.

Yeah, here he is anyway.

Vic Damone!

Time after time, I tell myself that I'm

so lucky to be loving you.

So lucky to be the one you run to see

in the evening when the day is through.

I only know what I know.

The passing years will show.

You've kept my love so young, so new.

And time after time, you'll hear me

say that I'm so lucky.

What I know, the past three years will
show, you've

kept my love so young, so new.

Memories Light the corners of my mind

Misty watercolor

memories

Scattered pictures of the smiles we

left behind.

Smiles we gave to one another for

the way we were.

Can it be that it was all too simple
yet?

Or has time rewritten every line?

If we had the chance to do it all again,
tell

me.

memories may be beautiful and yet

what too painful

to remember we simply

choose to forget

so

laughter.

Well, get them to hang on a minute, will
you?

I don't know where he is.

What?

Have they? Oh, yes, they have.

Well,

hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we are, more or less, back with
part three. I'm afraid I have an apology

make. I don't know where Tom is.

Sorry, I was a bit late. Where have you
been?

I don't want to know. Look, I am sick
and tired of standing out here like a

on the rock. It's embarrassing.

Have you such a fool?

Well, look, I'm through. I've had it. I
don't want any more.

That's the end. What have you got to say
to that?

What have I got to say to that?

What? I'll tell you what I've got to say
to that. What?

When you're smiling, when you're
smiling, the whole world's smiling too.

When you're laughing, keep on laughing,
and the whole world laughs with you.

But when you're crying, at the drop of a
hat, stop your crying.

Not like that, just like that. But when
you're smiling, when you're smiling,

smiling... What's the matter?

Don't overdo it. Just enough for the
next act.

I thought there might be something in
the next tour of No, No, Nanette. All

right, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we are with, from France, Andre
Tahone.

Pew -pew -pew -pew -pew -pew -pew.
Peppa!

Will you dance with me? Of course. What?

The tango. The tango. I love it.

Okay, darling.

The tango.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to
another north -eating chapter in the

story of Tommy Cooper.

But I'm afraid they've just brought our
coffee, so will you excuse us while we

pour a cup?

Coffee, Tom? Oh, thank you.

Yes.

I see that your grandfather, Hector
Cooper, incurred an enormous debt

after he was dead.

Well, it was buried in a hide suit.

Could you pass the sugar, please? Oh,
yes, sir.

There we are. Thank you. Thank you very
much.

What's the matter?

I've forgotten to stir it.

There's not real sugar, you know. You
can't get it.

want to know in your autobiography,
Thomas, how you came to take up

Now, how did that happen?

Well, I've done magic ever since I was a
little boy. Oh, yeah? At a very early

age. Mm -hmm.

I mean... I mean, all the great
magicians are dead. Who? Genie's dead.

Godin's dead.

Gandhi's dead.

I don't feel so good myself.

So I went and saw this conjurer, you
see, at this theatre. And he was

Terrible, terrible.

Yes? See?

Yes.

Well, go on.

I forgot what I was talking about.

Terrible conjurer. Oh, yes, yes. He was
so, so, so.

And so, so, so.

So, so, so.

What's the word I'm trying to think of?

Terrible. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, I was watching this conjurer.

And I said to myself, because I was the
only one there at the time.

I said to myself, I looked at him, I
said, oh, he's terrible. And I thought,

like to be like him, terrible.

And then, guess what happened then?

I've got no idea.

You haven't? No.

Well, what did happen?

Well, I don't know, I thought you'd
guess.

Oh, I know, he got me on the stage.

Oh, you mean he asked you up to help
with the trick?

Ah, you did guess it, after all. Yes.

You know, you just wasted five minutes.

Can I have some more sugar? Have we got
some more sugar there? No.

And so we hastily conclude this doleful
farrago, ladies and gentlemen, by

recapturing for you Tommy Cooper's
entrance into the world of Ledger

Take it away, Ledge.

The fellow on the bus got very annoyed.

Tell me, stop me if you've heard it.
Stop.

I don't care whether you've heard it.
They haven't heard it.

All right, then.

You've heard it.

They haven't heard it.

I'm not annoyed.

I'm not annoyed. No, all right, you're
not annoyed.

This fellow was very annoyed.

Sitting on the bus, the fellow kept
staring at him.

He said, what are you staring at? He
said, if it wasn't for that moustache,

you'd look exactly like my wife.

The fellow said, but I haven't got a
moustache.

And the other fellow said, no, but my
wife has.

that didn't know the difference between
margarine and putty. Do you know what

happened? All his windows fell out. All
his windows... No, I'm not annoyed.

No, you're not annoyed.

Did he fall off again?

I... No, I... Leave it alone!

All right, I'm not going to... Leave
things alone, then. All right.

All right.

Do my paper chairing trick.

All right.

Now then, this trick, ladies and
gentlemen, I've performed in every

the world.

In front of kings, queens, lords and
ladies.

14 times at Buckingham Palace.

24 times at the Houses of Parliament.

And you take the four corners off first.

Making sure that each and every corner
is exactly the same as it was before.

You fold the paper in half.

You tear another little piece out of the
middle.

And when you've done so, you fold it
back again.

And in doing this, you add put one whole
right bang in the centre.

And this is called...

Leave things alone!

I didn't do anything at all.

I would like to say that this gentleman
has never met or seen me before.

You've never seen me before, have you?
Yes.

Where? Golden Spring, 1932.

Golden Spring, 1932.

We've got a comedian amongst us.

My, do things have changed a lot since
then?

Your tricks haven't.

Do the paper tear. No, I know it. No, I
know it. Right, stand still.

Leave things alone!

Jacob's Lad, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, he put things down.

When he's finished, he goes 45 feet in
the air.

A seal climbs to the top.

Balance is on his nose.

Right. My Chinese cabinet.

Yes? I want you to have a look at this.

Make sure there's no trapdoors.

No way out, except in the front.

Just look at that.

Just go in and have a look.

That's enough.

And get my assistant, Olga, who will
come on on your notice.

My beautiful assistant, Olga, got her
hands tied behind her back.

Would you examine her? No, sir.

Where's he gone now?

Where's he gone?

Don't worry.

We'll do it ourselves. Hold on. Go into
the cabinet, darling.

Excellent.

Smile.

With my Chinese wand and a few Chinese
magic words, you will notice... I'm not

doing it. Hurry, hurry.

Presto, she has disappeared from my
Chinese cabinet.

but she's not trying to ease.

Go into the dressing room and lie down
now.

Go. Right. I'm not annoyed.

All right, now don't be annoyed. It's my
last trick.

I'm not annoyed. I'm not annoyed.

My last trick. Yes.

With one piece of silk handkerchief.

My disappearing ball trick.

Now, just hold it still.

Very, very careful.

I pinched the handkerchief over the top
of the ball like so.

Could I have a roll?

Pick the ball up, that's you.