Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the Tommy Cooper Hour.

With his guest tonight, Christine Sparkle.

Topo Jijo.

Your star and host, that genial monster, Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night.

There's a little trolley I'll show you now. It's a very famous... You know

It's a quick joke.

Now, I must tell you this. I want to hear it myself. Now, listen.

It's about the faith healer.

And he said to this man, he said, how's your brother?

And he said, he's ill.

And the faith healer said, no, no, no.

He only thinks he's ill. He said, no, he's ill.

He looks ill. He looks ill.

He said, no.

He said, I'm telling you, he looks ill. I looked at him the other day. He looks

ill.

So two weeks later, he met him again. He said, how's your brother?

He said, he thinks he's dead.

Look at that, I'm leaking.

It's just been done with the packed cards.

I shall do this trick in a minute, and after that I shall do pat -a -pat -a

-a -pat -a.

Then a little bit more pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

And then it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

See, I'll do that trick over there, and after that it's pat -a -pat -a -pat -a

-pat -a.

And then it's all about this big talk now with the little girl, see?

And they walk along the street like that.

And he said, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a to her.

And she goes, oh, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

And he goes, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

And the end of it, listen to this.

I wish I wasn't doing it.

Now listen to the end of it.

And he said, pat -a -pat -a -pat -a -pat -a.

See?

And then he said, when you come to the umbrella, it's mine.

It's taken me 15 years to do this trick.

15 years of self -denial.

And hard work. 15 years. I'm going to spread them all along here like that,

then catch them like that.

All along there like that. And I shall catch them like that.

15 years it's taken me to do this.

Oh, my teeth ache.

15 years wasted.

I'll tell you what I like to do now, to show how versatile I am. I like to do

this month's mystery movie.

And I call it a mystery movie because I don't know what I'm going to do.

Until I do it.

Oh, yes, I know what it is.

It's that very old classic, as you've seen in films, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

And I play all the three parts.

Now, you know it's the story of a man that takes a drink and he turns ugly and

nasty.

You know what I mean, Dick?

He's ugly and nasty, but not unusual.

Right.

The first, the very nice Dr Jekyll.

That's nice, isn't it?

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Hello, Mrs.

Blinkensop. How are you today?

Nice, nice, nice, nice.

A little bit nice here, a little bit nice there.

What? You feel a little bit run down? That's because you lack iron.

Now, why don't you go home and eat some nail sandwiches?

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

And throw a few nuts and bolts in as well.

I said goodbye, Mrs. Blakers. Goodbye, now.

And now to enjoy myself.

Not enough sugar in there.

I'll put some love to sugar.

Ah!

I can feel I'm changing.

Ah!

My hands!

My hands! Where are my hands?

Oh, there they are.

What is it?

Evil, evil, evil.

Evil. Another patient.

They mustn't see me like this.

I can't even see through it, is it?

I've got it.

Wait

a

minute, I'm changing.

I'm changing.

One more drink.

I feel better now.

Back to my old self, the trying Dr.

Jekyll.

What?

What's that?

The last patient's gone home?

Why do you say so?

Why don't you tell me?

Who am I now?

Oh, yes, why do you say so?

Nice, nice, nice, nice, nice.

Nice, nice.

One drink for the road.

What?

Who's speaking? It's me.

Evil, evil, Dr. Haskell. Haskell, no.

Would you like to announce your first guest?

No! Of course.

Shall we not?

What a nasty thing to do.

Evil, evil, evil. What a nice man he is. He was.

Evil, evil, evil.

I was waiting by the door.

I was waiting all alone.

Maybe by myself I didn't wait to wonder about you.

The dark and dreary night seems like nothing.

Won't you please understand?

Won't you please understand?

My name is Johnny Check.

I ain't got the cash on me.

I just tune up here just a little.

So here we go now.

Well, the hibberly, hibberly, give my leg in.

And a mitzy, mitzy, holly.

And an itsy, mitzy, bitzy, hoolay.

I'd rather.

I've sung that song all over the world.

I've sang it to the shepherds.

In Tibet.

The Chinese coolies.

In China.

Because there's a lot of Chinese out there.

And the Arabs in the desert.

I always got the same response.

They threw bricks at me.

And now here's a little protest number.

There ain't no hot water in my dressing room.

And now, here's a little song I want you all to join in the chorus.

The plasma on the spider's knee.

It was raining down with great degree.

Better watch your daughter with your teeth in water.

All together now.

Tell me what I do, I'll give you the course.

Whoever he may be, he may be.

You got the idea, folks?

I'll just do it once more, folks.

All right, here we go then.

Whoever he may be, he may be.

That's it.

The sun sets in the west.

Not the north or south, but west.

Whoever he may be, he may be.

The moon is pulling round.

It's never square, I've found.

Whoever he may be, he may be.

If I've seen this anymore...

It's going to be a bore.

Whoever he may be.

I think this song is bad.

I'm going to tell our dad.

Whoever he may be.

Yes, it's TVTTT, folks.

Tommy Cooper, top ten time.

And we bring you the pick of discs from the fab 50s. Swingin' 60s. And the

strike -ridden 70s. And even some from the 80s. Including the fabulational.

Smash from the 1950s. Six weeks, top of the hip parade.

Mike's arms, come outside.

two, three.

Little doll, we've been dancing all night long.

Little doll, I've got a feeling something's wrong.

What do you mean?

It ain't right to wanna keep on dancing.

Oh, I don't know. I like it.

You're quite right. Because it leaves no time for romancing.

Come outside.

Come outside.

There's a lovely moon out there.

Or three moons.

Just a tick. Tom, Tom, hold on.

I thought you'd gone for a minute. No, you see, all this come -outside

we really need a girl for that, don't you think? A girl?

Yes, well, it's ridiculous for me to ask you to come outside. Everybody knows

you wouldn't go.

You would, though, wouldn't you?

You'd do anything for money. You will.

Tell me, I'm sorry, but I agree with Alan.

All right, well, why don't you go outside together?

Now, look, can we have a girl or not?

Well, where can we find one?

Well, then one of us will have to dress up to pretend to be one.

That's a good idea. I like that. I like that. That's good. That's a good idea.

That is good. Yes.

Oh, no.

No. I can't do it. I'm a guest.

Don't be silly. I've got a moustache.

One of the others will have to do it. Oh, one of the others.

Anyone could do it.

That's fair, isn't it? Anyone at all.

I don't care who it is. I mean, we can choose them later.

Can't we? Yes, fair enough. Doesn't make any difference, really. Yeah. Not at

all. The important thing is, though, whoever does it has got to have a nice

figure. Yes. You know what I mean?

Really lovely figure. Yes.

So that it's believable.

So that we can really enjoy the beauty and ecstasy.

Oh, yeah.

Now I feel I can really recite this and it means something.

Something pretty repulsive, but something.

So, I'll tell you what. Yeah?

We can decide later who dresses up, right? Of course!

We don't have to do it now, do we? No!

Later on we'll do it, right?

Yeah! Right, let's go.

Little doll.

It's been ages since we kissed.

Little doll.

Think of all the fun we've missed.

It ain't right to want to keep on dancing.

There won't be any time left for romancing.

Careful. Come outside.

What for?

While we've got time, To spare?

What's the rush?

There's a lovely moon.

Out there?

Yeah, well, I'd rather twist, I think.

for one quick look at the moon. All right. While we've got time for a bit of

slap and tickle, eh?

I'll slap and tickle you in a minute.

Don't be like that.

Hey, Whatty. What's the matter?

Oh, yes, I'm shaved.

I'm shaved.

Father Christmas.

Christine Sparkle!

Pardon?

Christine Sparkle!

Well, I hope she does.

What happened to Father Christmas?

Does he love me?

That's where it is.

Is it anything?

Oh, no, that's just his charm. His warm embrace.

Oh, no, that's just his arm. If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his

kiss. That's where it is.

There you go, there. That's it.

Oh, that's lovely.

That's lovely.

Now, let me see what's going this week.

Ah.

A conductor wanted.

That's not bad. I could do that.

Easy.

Come along, please. Everybody inside.

That's it.

Come inside.

Plenty of room on top.

Come along. All quickly inside on top. Plenty of room on top, now. Plenty of

room on top.

What? Well, I don't know. It's a single decker.

Nobody told me.

Right, hold tight, please.

Ding, ding, ding. Hold it, Bert. There's a fellow running for the bus.

He's ten yards away.

He's five yards.

Ding, go, Bert.

I'll be at the end, Doctor.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, what?

I don't know.

Who is that?

That means nice and slow.

When I do that, it's quick.

But when I do that and that, it'll take a nose. I don't know what I'm doing.

Hello.

is what made Sir Adrian Bolt.

For some inscrutable reason, ladies and gentlemen, it's been left to me to

announce Tom's next guest, so this time at least we'll get it right.

So here he is, Lord Alan and Ray Charles.

Oh, it's much the same, isn't it? Well, all right.

Ray Alan and Lord Charles, perfectionists.

What are you going to do?

Really?

What is it?

It didn't ring.

I'm sorry.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

That wasn't you.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Is that what you're going to do?

I'm going to give them demonstration in the art of individualism.

What are you going to do? Well, first of all, I'm going to start off by doing

drinking and talking simultaneously at

the same time.

Well, hang on a minute, because Tommy Cooper tried that, and it can go wrong,

you know what I mean?

How dare you compare me...

With that silly arse.

When I do it, it's a total genius, dear boy. All right, let's see you do it.

Where's the drink?

Let's have a drink here on this instant.

It'll shake and make the nation sit up and take notice as well.

Yes, by... By Jove.

By Jove, I say, look how you are.

The monocle's steaming up again, dammit.

What the hell's that? They didn't send us, did they?

No. Is that what the producer chap said?

Yes, it is.

Damn troublemaker, knew it.

The moment I laid eyes on him, I knew it. Could always tell. Yellow shirt,

-toed sandals is the sure sign.

Well, you could take it away and tell the...

I'm not taking it away. Don't take it away.

I'm going to have it if you don't want it.

You're not going to drink that, are you?

Yes.

Do you know what it is?

Yes.

It's milk.

I know.

Go away, my dear. This is not going to be nice to watch.

Do you realise where that comes from?

Yes. Cows. I know.

Filthy animals.

Don't care what they tread in.

Ladies and gentlemen, I wouldn't watch this if I were you, because there's one

thing about anyone drinking milk, and that is, when they finish, you always

that terrible, nasty white ring around the end.

God is generous.

Would you mind putting that away? That's a revolting sight.

Turn the tummy over.

I'll put it under there. Thank you.

Now, that's nice, isn't it? That's ruined.

What the hell am I going to do? I'll have to go straight into the big finish.

The big finish?

Yes. What's that?

Wait a minute.

Yes? It's damn good.

Is it?

Get the suitcase up there and be careful.

This one?

Yes. Be careful.

Careful,

careful, careful.

He's in there, you know.

Who? The dolly.

He's not in there, is he? Yeah, you'll hear him in there. You'll hear him in

there.

Get me out.

You'll hear him. You'll hear him.

You'll hear him again.

Get me out. Yeah.

Open the lid. Open the lid. Let's have a look. Open the lid, Kevin.

What?

You can't see the people because you've got to go to bye -byes. I don't want to

go to guy -guys.

He doesn't want to go to the guy -guys.

I mean bye -byes. I know this.

Is that it? Just a minute. He's damn funny. Listen to this.

Tell me, Johnny, how's your sister keeping?

She's in hospital, sir.

In hospital.

I know.

What's wrong with her? She swallowed a 50 -pence piece.

Really? 50 -pence piece, eh?

And how is she now?

No change.

That's marvellous.

Do you think, do you ever, you know, get involved?

I mean, really think that that is real, that thing?

That what?

Well, the dummy or doll or whatever you call it.

Whatever I call it? Yes.

How dare you?

You've upset him now.

You're upset, aren't you, Johnny?

Yes, Cogner. Yes.

Never mind. I'll sing for you like that, won't you? Yes, Cogner. All right. Dry

your eyes, then. Here we go.

Little man, stop crying.

And welcome back to part three. And now meet Tom's special guest, Topo Shijo.

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here I am, all set to perform

the cleverest conjuring trick in the world for you.

Bless you.

Nothing deceitful.

No trickery.

Here we are. In a moment, you are going to see how with just a wave of the

hand, I make a daisy appear under this hat.

it again because maybe it wasn't very clear.

A lovely big daisy.

A big daisy.

Got it?

Anyone who hasn't understood, put their hand up.

Just to make sure we do understand.

The daisy, the flower, you pulled.

of when you say, he loves me, he loves me not.

Is that clear now?

You know the flower with lots of white petals and a yellow butt in

the middle?

Oh, fine.

Excuse me, just a moment.

Music, please.

Daisy, Daisy. Daisy, Daisy. Daisy, Daisy.

I capisco.

Oh, do you understand?

I'm just coming.

Here we are.

Here we are.

Everyone ready?

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Alan.

Have I earned a good night's kiss?

Yes, you have, Toppo. Thank you, Alan.

Thank you.

Yes, well, now this seems to be a classic example of what is known as

with egg on your face.

But unfortunately, in a show like this with so many quick changes, it does

sometimes happen. I mean, look at poor old Tom. He's busy as a bee in a bottle

all night.

Stands here in front of this camera going...

Like that. Dashes over there behind the screen, does a quick change back here in

front of the cameras.

Back behind the screen. You know, in the last show, he finally went behind the

screen, did... There, came back in front of the cameras and ripped all his

clothes off.

But it's too much to hope he's going to do that again tonight.

Now, one of our guests has a special announcement, so it's probably a good

to make it now. Are you there, Ray? Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, that marvellous ventriloquist, Ray Allen.

Thank you, Ben.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, all I really want to say at

point is that, owing to building reconstruction, I'm afraid I've had to

the Ray Allen School of Ventriloquism.

Now, please, it's only going to be for about six months. But I must ask those

you at home, my pupils who are watching, will you please carry on with your

lessons, keep practising, because as soon as we're ready to reopen, I'll

you. So don't worry. Only for six months.

All right?

Thank you.

What is it?

What's the matter?

That's terrible closing your skull down, isn't it?

What? Well, I'm right in the middle of your course.

You can't leave me like this.

Like what?

Well, talk with two mouths.

That's right, you tell him, Tom. I did tell him.

Well, I didn't hear.

Well, listen next time.

I was listening.

Oh, shut up.

What an advert for my school.

It was good, wasn't it?

Are you a fully paid up member? Yes.

It was excellent.

Brilliant! Did you hear that? Yes, I heard that.

You can't see my lips move, can you?

No. Your lips are fantastic.

Actually, Tom, take the weight off your feet. Sit there a minute.

Because your lips are really quite remarkable.

There's only one thing. May I just make a suggestion?

Yes, yes.

Your lips are motionless.

Shut up, he's not talking. I'm talking to him.

Yes?

Your lips are motionless, but you must try and stop your face from moving

side of them.

That's all.

I think it's an all right liberty.

It's not my fault, is it? You closed it at school.

I mean, I was going to make it a part of my act.

You weren't, were you? Yes, I was.

Well, let's face it, your progress has been a bit slow, hasn't it? I mean,

it took me 12 months to teach you to say, gottle a gear for bottle of beer.

Well, it's not easy, is it?

Am I right? Yes.

Just a quick ad lib. Took me... Well, stop ad libbing. Yeah, stop.

I wouldn't care, but it took me six months to... Get off!

Oh, leave my feet. I've got my thumb for you.

Sorry. No, no, just... Stop.

It took me six months to teach you to say bottle of beer, and that was without

the dummy.

Yeah. Well, it's all right for you, isn't it? I mean, you've had your

out.

What's it got to do with it? I don't know.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll teach you the pièce de résistance of all ventriloquism. Yes.

How to sing a song and drink a bottle of beer at the same time.

Is that right? Yeah.

Do you like that? Yes, all right.

All right?

Okay, now make sure the dummy's comfortable.

That's the main thing.

All right.

My thumb's getting dead raw in there.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Making them comfortable.

You can't leave it like that.

Goodness me, come and sit down. You can't leave an inanimate object. Put it

your lap. What do you mean, then? They don't see it like that. No?

These people have got to believe he's real.

Let them see him lying there. Just nothing. No movement.

Oh, all right. All right.

Yes. All right. Yes. Oh, God.

I don't know that. Yes, yes. All right. Sorry about that. All right.

Where's my head?

I don't know where it is. Well, it was here a minute ago.

Oh, there it is. Come on. Get this off.

Get this off.

What are

we

going to do? What we've got to try and do is to find

a song for you to sing with him. Now, what about...

What about that monogamous nunga?

I know.

It was recently. It was on the hit parade.

It's called Itching Cossagall.

You can do that.

I don't know that. Do you know it? No, he doesn't know it.

What about the gee song?

How does that go?

You know. Oh, what a glorious thing to gee. You've grown up healthy.

I can't do that song. Why?

Well, it's Garth Gatsby's song.

What is it? Garth Gatsby's song.

It doesn't really matter what song you

sing, does it? All right.

So, I mean, pick any song you like, you know. All right, well, how about My

Mother's Eyes?

That's nice.

Can we do that? My Mother's Eyes?

He says, OK, we'll do My Mother's Eyes. He likes that. Yes. All right. Now,

there we are.

Right, tell you what we're going to do. We're going to see my mother's eyes.

We're going to sing it.

See?

And I'll give you a got my gear at the same time.

All right? We'll sing my mother's eyes together with a got my gear at the same

time.

One bright and guiding light.

There.

doesn't drink it, you drink it.

Well, how can I drink it and sing at the same time?

That's the whole point.

The whole point? I don't like beer. Have a bit of whisky. Give me a whisky. All

right. You all right, son?

Look at me, son.

Whisky, now this time, remember that you do the drinking and the singing.

Oh, I see. Okay.

Right, here we go, then.

One bright and guiding light.

What

do

you think you're doing?

You don't do it like that.

I'm sorry.

You bring a lump to my throat.

Look, Tommy, I'll try and explain it to you. Yes?

You hold the glass like that. You put the glass to your lips. Now, you start

drinking while you're singing, and they all applaud as soon as the glass is

empty because they realise what a clever thing you've done.

OK, right, go ahead.

Go on, go ahead. What? Do it.

I don't know my mother's eyes.

All right, then.

Could you hold him? He's not in this. Right.

Now, watch this.

Thank you.

Thank you. Hold on.