Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tommy Cooper Hour, with his guests

the new vaudeville band, Mark and McNeil,

Lindsay DePaul,

and Topo Jesus.

And now, here he is himself, our star host,

Thank you. Lovely taste.

Black, brown, orange, pink.

Many times he'd come on the stage and say, this will get a laugh.

This is a funny word, that, isn't it?

That.

But no one told me.

They can be fun to if you only see.

There's such a lot of beauty you can live for.

You only need someone to open up your eyes.

And you'll open up nothing before.

I see a star.

A brand new star.

It's right.

Twinkling your eyes I see a frame

A happy frame

I see a song, a brand new song.

It's right between your eyes.

I see a face, a happy face.

Would you like to buy a camera?

Why? You mean this one?

Why do you want to sell it?

Well, you see, I met this American in Oxford Street. Do you know him?

And he said to me, if you could sell 601 cameras, you could have one free.

One free what?

I don't know. I hope it's not a camera.

I've got four already.

Yes, well, I don't want a camera either. I've got three. Well, I'll tell you

what. I would have a photograph taken together.

Just for a snapshot. Photograph? All right.

Where should we stand? Over here? All right. Back.

I'd better adjust it.

Keep

smiling.

Do you realize I've got a quick change here?

What is the time switch?

How long till you get a tea?

About six days.

I'll just adjust it, all right? All right. Just adjust. All right.

That's fine.

Okay. All right.

Here we go.

Keep smiling.

a little adjustment.

I am not mad.

Look, I know more about cameras. Just get out of the way. All right. I'll tell

you what.

I'll take a photograph of you.

That's right. Stand back there. Yes.

And let's have a bit of composition on this.

I see you holding a great big cuddly teddy bear.

Where did you get a teddy bear?

The place that followed us.

That's it. Now, I'll count one, two.

Say one, two, three, go. Kiss the teddy bear on the cheek.

Okay?

One, two, three, go.

That was the wrong cheek.

Now put it down.

Yes, it's G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G

-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E

-E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G

-G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E -G -E

-E -G -E

-G

-E -

Shake it up, baby.

Twist and shout.

Twist and shout.

Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Looks so good.

You've got me going now.

Just like I knew I would.

Tom, and they've already been on.

Lindsay DePaul's next.

Oh. We've got three lovely singers for you.

Lindsay DePaul.

Only one singer, Tom.

Just one. Only one. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, Lindsay DePaul couldn't

turn up.

So how about a nice big welcome now to Dee.

I'm alone with you And I look in your eyes

It's no surprise You've ever

played for me I only want to be Alone

with you

Please won't you let it be

numbers may come

Please won't you let it be alone with you,

alone with you, alone.

Situation vacant.

Nuclear... wanted.

I'll take that.

Oi! Yes?

Look at you.

Hansel...

You see to such a depth of... You can't even say it. Shut up!

Don't forget all that.

One job after another, you're thrown away.

Take the job last week. A covered garden.

Well, I was there.

I was there.

Ready to put the baskets on my head.

But there wasn't a single basket there.

But you made them all look a...

Ask her in the end, did you?

What a mess.

Oh,

boy!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to meet a very lovable puppet, Top Dog.

Top Dog? Oh, I'd do that.

Well,

I'm no fool. I could do that. Ladies and gentlemen, Topo Zizio.

Alan.

Alan!

Yes, Topo Zizio.

Alan, will you help me, please?

Well, of course. What do you want me to do?

Will you hold this for me, please? This? Yes.

Thank you.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to walk the tightrope.

Just like the circus.

Here we go.

Alan. Yes?

Hey, are you holding the rope tight?

Yes, I've got it. Don't worry.

Okay, okay.

Hey,

Alan. Yeah? Hey, tie the rope around your finger just

to make sure.

Well, there we go. No.

Oh, you heard Topper. Oh, no.

That is the trick.

To fall so you don't get hurt.

Ah, Alan, I have another trick.

I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me. I've got to go and introduce the next

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Alan.

Look, look.

This is very, very heavy.

Yes, I can see that. It takes great strength.

I fooled you, didn't I?

You thought it was really very, very heavy.

I want to talk to you very seriously. Now, why do you try and do all these

dangerous circus tricks? What's the reason for that?

Well, the director said, you are so good.

And me, to appear in Tommy Cooper's show, I must be very good,

too. Must I?

Well, you are very good, Topo.

Perhaps, perhaps the matter is you are so tall.

Oh. How high are you?

Six feet two.

Six feet two?

Mm -hmm.

Of course.

What have I said?

I'm only seven inches and enough.

When you are small, you always lose.

See?

Won't you know what am I tell you?

You can't just leave me, walk out on the audience like this.

What do you believe? That it's nice to me going around making

fiascos? And the fault is yours because you are tall.

What do you believe? That it's nice to me in emotional...

Calm down.

Now, come on. Now, be friends again. Be friends.

Sure.

We are friends.

Alan.

Alan. Yes.

Can I ask you something?

Yes, of course you can.

Alan, before I'm going,

And now ladies and gentlemen we come to the Tommy Cooper story

the definitive autobiography of the famous entertainer.

And here he is in person, Mr.

Thomas Cooper.

finding it a little difficult to piece together all the evidence.

Now, is it entirely true that you were particularly attached to a duck called

Evangeline, Major Paul?

Yes, yes, that's true. I'm glad to hear that.

What's that?

What was that?

That's just part of my past. I used to do that when I was a kid.

Oh, really?

Would you like a quick yo -yo?

No, thank you. I broke myself with the habit.

A yo.

No, no.

No. Oh.

Oh. Now, let's get back to the story, if we can. Mm -hmm. What about your

romantic life?

Well, I was too tall, wasn't I?

Oh, were you?

Yeah, I was too tall.

Yes.

One more time? No, please.

Yeah, I was too tall, you see. Well, I was too tall. Oh.

And so... What did you do?

I'll tell you. Go on.

I went to see the doctor.

nose, it doesn't make sense.

Doctor, I want to lose height.

Weight? No, I don't want weight. I want to lose height. Oh, don't be silly.

Nobody can lose height.

Oh,

it's ridiculous. You can't lose height. Nobody can lose height.

Well, I thought you could be a painkiller.

And tap me on the head lightly every day.

Do you want it privately or on the national health?

Private.

In that case, it's all I want to meet you with. Yes.

Good. Walk down the front of the table.

Just bend your head a little.

Relax.

And brace yourself.

Of course it worked. I'm not a fool, am I?

I mean, boy, just look at that. Look at that. Oh, yes.

Remarkable. But it didn't happen with the girls, you see, so I gave them the

treatment. Oh.

Now, I suppose while you were so tall and they couldn't see your face

distinctly, you stood rather a better chance.

That's funny.

Keep it in when we do the show. Keep it in.

Now, tell me, who was really your first girlfriend?

Well, um, I met her on board ship. Oh, yes. Yes, I was, yes. And, uh, I

to her. Mm -hmm. See?

And, uh, I was on, it was a fancy dress, it was, um, a carnival night. Oh, yes.

And it was a fancy dress.

Mm -hmm. And I was a fairy.

Fancy.

Your daughter's hanging by a thread, you know that, don't you?

It's a joke, isn't it?

Candy, candy.

Just once.

No, no, please, please.

And she was a clown.

It's just a ship's romance.

But there's something I've been going to ask you now for the last two weeks.

You are Maureen, aren't you?

No, I'm Valerie.

Well, you see, what I was going to do, I thought of settling down, you see.

And, uh... What happened to Maureen, then?

Well, I don't know, Maureen. I'm Valerie.

Oh, well, you do.

Not on day.

I think it's much quieter out there.

Yes, moment.

I'll lead the way.

card. Yeah. Any card you like. Yes. Right, look at it. Yes. Chair in half.

Yes. Quickly then. Chair in half.

Yes. Chair it again. Yes.

Chair it once again.

Yes. Yes. Right, throw it in the air. Yes. Happy New Year.

Thank you.

Watch it very closely.

In tonight's program, we've created a twist and start with a people's

competition. It was, in fact, composed by Bert Russell and Phil Mitt.

We apologize to the copyright owners for this effort.