Original subtitles

Good morning.

Be brisk.

How did I ever do this?

Next time I read a small print.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you.

Ah, walkies, walkies.

Sit. Stop that, stop that.

Stop that, stop that.

Is he all right? Oh, good.

I've got my dog in the dressing room. He's a one -man dog. Oh, he bites me.

Have I got time for more?

I'll say to him, attack, and he has one.

Stop that, stop that, stop that.

Go on, sit, sit on it, sit on it.

He took a big lump with one knee once, and a friend of mine said, did you put

anything on it? I said, no, he liked it as it was.

Dear, oh dear.

My next door neighbour said to me, he said, you've got to get rid of that dog.

said, why?

He said, he keeps chasing people on a bicycle.

I said, well, take his bike away.

Light bulb!

Heavy bulb.

I picked up. I don't know who dropped it.

Blue there, white spots.

White there were blue spots.

Inside here, we have a blue handkerchief dyed white.

And a white handkerchief dyed blue.

And inside here, there's just a brown empty bag.

So now the spots are inside.

Now, what I'm going to do is this.

I put the both handkerchiefs out there like that.

Zuzo aloha.

Zuzo aloha.

Now, here's the blue handkerchief, which is now white.

inside the bag again.

And now I shall make some spots come on each handkerchief. Spots on each

handkerchief.

I

don't

know what it means.

I thought I'd turn aside these ones.

My handkerchief were white spots.

And here's the blue handkerchief with blue spots.

You don't believe me, do you?

All right, I'll tell you what I'd do. I'd put them in there again like that.

Now, here's the blue handkerchief.

somebody else come on.

It's the blue magazine for white spots.

Thank you.

Well,

a lovely audience.

I won't cut anything at all.

And here's the white...

There's a spot missing.

There is a spot missing. Come on, spot.

Spot.

Come on, spot. Where are you, spot?

There he is. Hello.

Here we go.

Last week, I went to a travel agency to see about my holidays.

And there was a big poster of Mallorca.

So I thought, I want to go there. So he pinned me to the wall.

I went by jumbo jet.

The pilot was an elephant.

And I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always.

Because you never hear a plane backing into a mountain.

And when I got to the hotel in Mallorca, they

gave me the red carpet treatment.

They did. I thought it was very nice of them.

And they said, the beds are not ready, so you've got to sleep on the red

And I got to the room, and there was no ceiling to the room. So I rang out to

the manager. I said, there's no ceiling to my room.

He said, that's all right. He said, the man up over here doesn't walk about

much.

And when I got back, when I got back... I'm bleating. And when I got

back...

When I got back from the holiday, I parked the car in the drive, took the

luggage out of the back seat, and helped my wife down from the roof rack.

And there was 2 ,000 milk bowls on the doorstep.

And I said to the milkman, I said, I've been away on a holiday.

He said, thank goodness for that. He said, I was beginning to think you

like the stuff.

Because my wife, she always leaves her taps running when we go away.

Because she's got a theory that it drowns burglars.

And the cellar was about seven foot high of water. Seven foot.

I was so surprised I nearly fell off her shoulders.

And it started to rise. The first floor, second floor, third floor.

Which I couldn't understand. We live in a bungalow.

There's a little trick I'd like to show you now.

From an empty top hat here like this, I can produce an elephant.

Just cover it there like that.

Now, you must admit, it's taken a lot of magic to do this.

Anyway, this one is a little bit small to do this trick.

So, a larger one there, please.

to do i'll tell you what i'm going to do i'm going to tap this top act three

times lightly

I'll wait from you. No words can tell us that it makes me kiss you.

See and dance.

Do it over again.

Watch for the man.

I'll never fail.

If you don't get a letter, then you know.

Yeah,

watch for the mail.

I never bail.

If you don't get a letter, then you know I'm in jail.

Tootsie, tootsie, don't cry.

Tootsie, tootsie, goodbye.

Okay.

I left my heart in

San Francisco.

Thank you.

Splendid, my man. Thank you.

Right, changing rooms at the location, you know. You didn't have to travel in

costume.

Young lady, I like to work my way into the roles I portray.

Here. I knew that actor.

Let me see now. What's his name?

Maswell Beamish.

No, no, no, that's not it.

Anyway, never mind.

Hey, I saw you on the telly the other night. Really?

In one of them old films. Yeah.

God, it was awful.

Studio car waiting for you at the other end.

Have a lovely trip.

Must that.

Thank you, my dear.

Oh, I just made it.

I thought I was going to miss it.

her face? Ah, no.

So?

That is the face of it.

Do you take anything for it?

I know who you are.

Really? I suppose you want my autograph.

Certainly not.

I thought you were dead.

resting for a little while.

South America?

Well, if you must know, for some years I was a bingo caller at Cleethorpes.

Somebody's got to go there.

So that's where you've been hiding, is it?

You know, it's incredible.

You don't look over 80.

Thank you.

You've had your hair done, haven't you? It's been dyed, hasn't it? Well, it's

the little tint, you know, to hide the grey.

It's lifted, right?

Well, is that... Sir, must we pursue this conversation?

Sorry, sorry.

That's Randy Ethel.

Who?

Randy Ethel.

I heard you the first time. All right.

In 1940, you fronted the life out of her.

Are you some sort of newspaper critic?

Yes, gentlemen.

In fact, maybe Peter Swines doesn't know who it is.

Yeah, of course I do.

And I mean, he's not that bad an actor.

No, I think he's not.

What,

actor? Mudswell Beamish. Look, I'm sorry about this, sir. I'll go in the game

club. Yes, sir.

Is it true?

Yes.

Could I have your order back, Mr Beamish? Get away!

is an actor, Muswell Beamish.

Muswell Beamish?

Absolute terrible actor.

Should be shot.

You never know who you're going to meet on the train these days, do you?

And now, I'd like to introduce the winner of the 1973 Eurovision Song

Contest.

And in her honor, I shall make the introduction in French.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, Anne -Marie David.

What now?

Love!

Silver Patrol, a group of teen young boy scouts, off for a day in the country to

learn woodcraft.

Led by their dedicated, enthusiastic scout master.

They'll follow him anywhere, because he knows where he's going.

It is easy to get lost in the woods, so the experienced scout blazes his trail

by cutting a notch in the tree as he goes along.

Of course, there should be taken not to cut the knot too deeply.

Pinching a tent is no problem for the expert.

It is, however, most important to pitch on firm, solid ground.

We have set up camp.

The next thing is to look for water.

with tadpole for nature study.

The scoutmaster tickets his troop to recognize our feathered friends.

The common wood.

Back to the base to start a roaring campfire.

It must be kept well away from anything inflammable, such as the tent.

Quickly, Captain.

Water to put out the fire.

Or any of the scoutmaster.

A makeshift pressure cooker can be made from two tin cans sealed with clay.

But personally, I wouldn't recommend it.

I

think

we all agree it's fun to be a scout.

I'd like to do something dramatic for you.

I'd like to do a one -man theatre.

There should have been a one -man and a one -woman theatre, but she never turned

up.

Because she did want to play the part of the sailor.

So I should do both parts.

This side is Sally.

The very shy...

Innocent young maiden.

You've got to use your imagination.

On the other side, a sailor.

Tall, virile, incredibly handsome.

You've got to use your imagination.

Now, I want you to picture the scene.

It's a tumble down cottage in 1898.

It's a very long street.

And next door at 1897... ..lives this wicked

squire who wants to pull down Sally's Cottage...

..to build a multi

-storey cowshed.

Oh, Jack, you've come back after all these years away at sea.

I'm not that up for a start, am I not?

it's he who'll come back to me.

Oh, Jack, Jack.

Is it really you, Jack?

No, my name's Fred.

What?

What doesn't matter as long as you come back to me?

As long as you come back to me.

Sub, sub, sub, sub, sub.

Sub. Sub, sub. Oh, Jack.

Fred.

Jack, will you hold me... Will you hold me fast?

I'm holding you fast as I can.

Now, what about this wicked squire?

Well, he will throw me out into the snow with my two -year -old child.

Well, don't you worry, Sally.

After four years away, see, I've saved a lot of money, and I shall...

Two years old.

What are we, four?

Nine? How

did

it happen?

Well, you wrote very passionate letters.

Yes, you're quite right. I did, didn't I?

with his squire.

He's to blame.

With his curly black hair and his little thin moustache and that hooked nose.

Don't worry about the squire.

Look at your little boy.

You're quite right, Sally.

Look at him lying there.

Beautiful in his cot.

With his curly black hair and that little thin moustache.

Reminds me of somebody.

My mother.

My mother?

Yes, your mother. And not only that, the squire.

Sally, I'm going to leave you, Sally.

Oh, no, Fred, no.

Yes, I must.

Fred, can't we start all over again?

Well, all right, if you must.

We'll start all over again.

this to my next guest for selling a million copies of the latest records.

Pardon?

What's that?

Oh, half a million.

You shouldn't be brisk about this.

Oh, sorry.

Half a million records.

Half a million.

Ladies and gentlemen, design.

Sometimes some things turn out how you need them.

But then again, sometimes you can't see them.

So then you should remember, the sun don't always shine.

There was a tailor who made them throw it out.

It's hair, Moe.

There's Moe hair inside out.

Shot silk.

I shot it myself.

The tech is not a bad fit, but the trousers are a bit tight on the armpits.

Do you know, every time I'm feeling down in the dumps, I always get myself a new

suit.

Because they're cheaper down there.

to a tailor to get a new suit, just to see how it's coming along.

Coming along?

Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

My name's Mr. Fitting. I come here for a cooper.

Oh, no, sir. No, no. The other way around.

Oh, all right.

Yes,

Mr Cooper.

You're here for your fitting, yes? Yes. I thought so. Just one moment.

Ah, here we are.

Large pinhead.

Little wobbly chops.

The suit, sir, the suit. It's a pinhead. Oh, I see. I see, of course, yes.

Shall we slip into the jacket?

Shall both of us get in it?

All right.

Hold that.

Now, me, sir. Thank you very much.

Now,

here we go.

Now, gently, gently, gently.

Please, sir.

After all, sir does appear to have rather fat shoulders.

How can it have fat shoulders?

It's only tat.

Well, that's tat. What do you like within your room?

Would you care to look into the mirror?

Certainly.

I've vanished!

I've disappeared!

Oh! Am I overdoing this? The other side.

I've vanished! The other side. Oh, the other side, sir.

Not bad as me, isn't it? Very nice.

But I thought the buttons would come with the price of the suit.

Sir, this is only a first fitting.

You get your buttons.

All right, spare buttons?

In case I lose one. Well, of course. Oh, good.

Because the last suit I had made, I had spare buttons and I lost a buttonhole.

Look, sir, would you mind lifting your left arm?

A little higher.

Now put your right arm out.

Bend it.

Drop your left shoulder.

I wish you'd fit me like a suit.

Yes, perhaps you are right. Relax for a moment, sir.

I'll just bring the fitter. Right.

It was a terrible night in the desert.

They were putting the cameras to bed.

One camera sat with his legs crossed, scratching the back of his head.

make you laugh a bit, innit?

Eh?

Look, I'm in rather a hurry, my good man. Do you have any blue material?

Any what?

Blue material.

Well, I don't use it as a rule.

But I tell you what, I did hear on the other day, funny enough, it was about

this big tall Scotsman and he met this little tiny woman and she said... That

looks rather interesting up there.

Oh, you've heard it?

This? Fear that.

It's half nylon and half wool. Really?

A sheet we fed on old plastic buckets.

It's made you laugh a bit, hasn't it?

Yes, that's very good.

Yes? Yes.

I'll have a suit in this.

Really? Yes.

Well, fancy air.

Well, aren't you going to take down my name and address?

Yes, all right.

Oh, I don't think so, no.

Uh... Charlie Farnsbarn.

37 Lesby Avenue.

She's Chiswick W4.

Who's he?

I don't know, I just made it up.

Okay, just tell me one of your suits.

Surely not. It wouldn't fit you.

Excuse me, Mr Cooper?

No, no, that's Charlie Farnsworth. I'm Mr Cooper.

Could I be of assistance to you?

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

It's not one of mine, is it?

No, it's not. No, of course not. I've been on holiday.

Sir, we'll soon get this right for you.

What are you doing?

Alterations, sir. This jacket makes, sir, look as if he's got fat shoulders.

What, again?

Oh, dear. They should never have let it get into this state before they checked

the measurements.

Well, as you mentioned, this sleeve seems a bit longer, shorter than this

Shorter, yes.

Yes, never mind. We'll soon fix that for you, sir.

It's a bit shorter now, isn't it?

Oh, my God. Look at those lapels.

How's the other sleeve?

Great.

Perhaps, but not to the expert eye.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Look at those pockets.

Just a minute. Just before we go any further, there's something I've got to

you. I know, I know, I know.

It's the back seam, isn't it? Shoddy.

Shoddy! All had to be done again.

Mr. Hillbeam, a word.

Just a minute. I haven't finished.

Have a look at these trousers.

Oh, good Lord. Just a minute.

If you want to buy one of my suits, you get it, there's one cheap.

Now, this leg, come on.

Mr Pilgrim!

What is it?

Hmm?

Red sails in the sunset.

What is it?

I couldn't help it. It's not my fault. I'll pay you the money for the suit.

I've got any pockets to put it in, have I?

Anyway, I'm all going to get home.

Well, look, there is one thing we can't do, sir. If you'll just step into the

queue before the door opens.

The cabinet may need your help.

I feel like a little more nervous.

How are we going to get the oven?

Thank you.

Ah, what a lovely audience you are.

Do you know, I should never forget the time when I was in Hong Kong. It's true,

this regard about suits.

And you know this, that in Hong Kong they make a suit.

Boy, in 24 hours.

Even quicker than that.

It can.

And I had this suit made. It was a blue one, and it was like that, and I had it

all made like that.

And I went back, and I started looking like that.

I said to the wife, what do you think of this?

She said, not bad, not bad at all.

I said, 24 hours, that's all.

She said, what's the hump on the back?

I said, there's a tailor still working on it.