All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1973 s01e03 Anita Harris - January 2, 1974

On a clear day, I look around you and
see who

you are.

On a clear day, I look around you and

see who you are. On

a clear day,

I look around you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

That sucked. Thank you.

Well, I must say you've had a wonderful
audience.

And I'd like to finish now with a little
song.

I can always tell if an audience is
going to be good or bad.

Good night.

Well,

pull it, pull it.

Rose, I've risen.

I didn't work it at all.

Look, see that glove?

Second hand.

I backed a horse today, 20 to 1.

He'd be 20 past 4.

He was so late coming in, he had a
tiptoe back to the stable.

And the jockey kept hitting him like
that with a whip.

Not like that, like that.

Like that.

And the horse said, what are you doing
that for?

There's nobody behind us.

I bought a greyhound of it a month ago.

I said, what are you going to do with
it? I said, I'm going to erase it.

He said, by the look of it, I think
you've beat it.

Do you know my feet are killing me?

They are every night when I'm lying in
bed. They get me round the throat like

that, trying to sleep.

Doesn't my voice sound a bit hoarse?

It is slightly, isn't it?

I lost it completely in there. The one I
got now, I borrowed.

For the show tonight.

And I went to the doctor. He said to me,
open your mouth. So I went like that.

And he looked down, he said, a little
raw.

So I went...

So...

I went to this doctor.

Look at that, I'm leaving.

I went to this doctor and I said, it
hurts me when I do that.

He said, well, don't do it.

I was in Margate last summer for the
summer season.

A friend of mine said, you want to go to
Margate, it's good for rheumatism.

So I did and I got it.

And I tried to get to the hotel, it was
packed, so I went to this big boarding

house.

and I knocked on the door of the
landlady, put her head out the window,

said, what do you want? I said, I want
to stay here. She said, well, stay here,

then shut the window.

And while I was there, I bought one of
these skin -diving outfits. Let me show

you, like a frogman suit.

Bought the whole thing, you know,
goggles, big flippers, tag on the back,

had a photograph taken like that and
like that.

Well, you never know, do you? You never
know.

And I went to the bay and I jumped in
because you're not supposed to dive and

it's dangerous.

And I jumped in like that.

And I think I turned a little bit all
the way down.

And I went down to about 150 feet.

It was lovely, very quiet.

And I'm going along like that.

I've got my instructions here.

and I start to do that like that.

And the feet are going like that.

Not in the front, in the back.

And I'm going... And I don't care now,
you know what I mean?

I'm all over the place.

The goggles are getting all misty and
everything.

And I'm humming to myself.

and I saw a man walking towards me.

In a sports jacket, grey flannel.

I thought, that's unusual for a
Thursday.

So I went towards him and I got right up
to him and I took this pad out and I

wrote, what are you doing down here?

Walking about in a sports jacket, grey
flannel.

And he took this pad from me and he
wrote on there, I'm drowning.

I was cleaning up the attic last week
with the wife.

Filthy, dirty, covered in cobwebs.

But she's good to the kids.

And I found this old violin.

This old violin.

And this painting, oil painting.

So I took him to an expert.

And he said to me, what you've got
there, you've got a Stradivarius and a

Rembrandt.

Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a
terrible painter.

And Redbub made rotten violins.

It's the paper straight down the bottom
of the glass.

Sorry, too many problems.

Too many problems.

They have now changed places.

We'll strip them apart and let them go
back again.

It's quarter to three, and there's no
one in the place

except you and me.

So why don't you push off?

Bonasera, Senorita, Bonasera.

Bonasera! It is time to say goodnight to
Napoli. Napoli!

And it's hard for us to whisper,
Bonasera.

Bonasera! That old moon goes to
Mediterranean Sea.

In the morning, Senorita, we'll go
walking.

Where the mountains and the sand come in
society.

I'll buy a wedding ring.

But in the meantime, let me tell you
that I love you.

Kiss me.

Thank you very much.

Now I'd like to talk to you about
friendship.

I think a friend in need is a pest. Get
rid of him.

I mean, really, where would Marx be
without Spencer?

Or Freeman without Hardy and Willis?

They would have discovered the South
Pole, wouldn't they?

They would have discovered the South
Pole, wouldn't they?

But you know, I can count the number of
friends on one hand. Personal friends.

You can't be so stubborn.

I met one last night and he invited me
home to dinner.

hours ago.

Well, he hasn't arrived home yet.

No, we're due to leave for the theatre
in ten minutes.

Oh, really?

Thank you.

At last!

Oh, hello, my love.

What are you all dressed up for? I
brought a friend home for dinner. Come

Tommy.

How do you do?

You're taking me to the theatre.

I am?

Oh,

I thought that was on Wednesday.

It's Wednesday.

Oh, she's got an answer for everything.

Look, I do want to bash you. I think I'd
better go. No, no, no, no, don't go,

don't go.

I'm not really hungry.

I had a peanut in the pub.

No, no, don't go. We're about to have a
dreadful row because I brought you home.

That's what I thought. For dinner.

I'm not cooking for your drunken
friends.

She's not cooking for your drunken
friends.

Don't let her frighten you. She can
smell fear.

Yeah, I'd better go. No, no, no, don't
go.

I've got to go home. I've got to dig the
gong.

But it's dark outside.

I've got to loom the spade.

Sit down, have a seat.

And have a little drink.

Before dinner.

What about the theatre? I've been
looking forward to it for months.

What a lovely room.

Don't you try and ingratiate yourself
with me.

No, you're right. It's a horrible room.

It is locked, my precious. And it's pain
-locked.

I don't need a drink, thanks. Thank you
very much.

I'll get you a drink.

The sherry.

I'm sorry about that. I met him in the
pub.

Well, I stepped on his hands as he was
leaving.

Now, don't blame you. It's not your
fault he brings home his ghastly, boring

friends.

You're very kind.

I cloned it. There you are. Get that
down here.

Aren't you going to have one? Oh, no, I
can't stand cheap opportunity cooking

sherry. No?

What about the theatre?

When you... And you have provided my
good friend with... Sit down. Sit down.

Whose child is it?

When you have provided my good friend
with dinner, then and only then will I

discuss the matter.

Right. Look, I must go. I'm not hungry.
I just swallowed a goldfish.

Delicious.

Stay there. I know what you're thinking.
You think you're in the way here, don't

you? Well, the thought did flip through
my mind.

It's a matter of principle, you see,
Tommy. I mean, you can't say I am being

inconsiderately arbitrarily
obstreperous. You couldn't say that,

No, I couldn't say that.

I'd better go.

I've got to get up early in the morning
and bite the postman.

Bite the postman?

Yeah, but the dog's not well, you see.

Oh, no, you don't. He wants you to have
dinner, and dinner you shall have.

Just know I like it. Stone cold.

It's vegetables.

Virgin peas.

Oh, delicious.

They're not hard.

Oh, it doesn't matter. I'll suck one.

Oh, lovely.

Yum, yum, yum.

Pea lolly.

You think he won't eat that and you'll
have won a moral victory. Well, you're

wrong. Because he's going to eat every
little...

Just a minute. I...

I don't... I don't... I can't eat that.

Why not?

She gave me a fish knife.

Doesn't bother us, does it, honey?

No? No.

We're going to eat every little bit,
aren't you?

And when you've finished, she'll look
sick.

Really sick.

It's quite tasty.

Good man.

I could eat another mouthful, honestly.

A dessert?

Cold tapioca pudding.

You haven't got any cheese, have you?

I'd rather have cheese.

the mask and spare it.

Oh!

Now you have gone too far.

See this clock, Tommy? Her mother gave
it to us.

You brute.

Look at the time. I've got to really go.

Don't you touch that painting!

You can play at this, you know. Okay,
right. I've really got to go.

You must do it again sometime.

That's no way to behave, is it? Come
here. Come closer.

You're going to marry him for better or
for worse.

Right?

You're going to give and take.

Milk of human kindness.

Understanding, sympathy.

And that old -fashioned word, love.

Picture a man and woman, hand in hand,
walking up the rocky path of love.

Sharing and caring for each other.

And the candle, the lit candle, that
grabs the...

That lights up this drag world.

That's how it should be.

He is right, you know.

Yes, darling.

That's better.

I'm starving. Can I stay for supper?

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to
introduce you now to one of my favorite

singers. It's Dusty...

It's Anita Harris.

What

are

you doing?

west of your life I have only one
request

of your life that you spend

begin in a

I don't know about you, but I've
received a lot of letters from people to

what they think of the show.

I had one from our barber, who saw the
last show, I did, and he said, I dare

to come in for a shave.

And I received a letter from Bill
Bailey, and he's not coming home.

I got a letter the other morning, it was
a brown envelope with OHMS on it.

So, well, I didn't know anyone called
OMS.

So I steamed it open.

My teeth itch.

And I steamed it open.

I steamed it open twice.

And it was from my tax inspector.

One of those clean, hard -working,
upstanding swines that take all the

from you.

And he wanted to see me.

So I went to see him.

Send in Mr Cooper, please.

Good morning.

All those traffic waters are dreadful.

I've just been towed away.

And a funny thing, I didn't have the car
with me.

You're a comedian, aren't you, Mr
Cooper?

Yes, I guess.

It's down on your income tax form,
otherwise I wouldn't have.

All right, all right.

Now then, Marmaduke Marmalade... Yes,
pardon?

Marmaduke Marmalade is down on this form
as being resident at your address.

Yes. We're hoping you can help us,
because he hasn't paid any income tax in

years. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Say hello to the gentleman. Hello,
hello, hello.

Um, I can take it.

That this is Mr.

Marmonet... Sir, will you just... I
thought you'd get me on with your back.

up.

Is this Mr. Marmonet?

Yes.

Mr. Cooper, he's... he's wooden.

That's why you wouldn't pay his tax.

I do magic tricks as well.

Yes, yes.

But, but, but, but... How did he get
into our files?

Ah, well... Look, look... Funny I do
that, see, because... It's what you call

really trying to get all glue, you see.

And quite... We're going to do all the
talking.

I think it might be a little easier if
you spoke for him.

Well, I was doing it, didn't I?

The fact is... Would you please

be careful? This is government property.

The fact is that Mr Marmalade... Call
him Marmaduke. He likes that.

Mr Marmaduke has been processed through
our computer as a human being.

Help Mr Bessie. Go on.

And as far as the computer is concerned,
has evaded tax... Has evaded tax for

ten years.

A serious offence. He could be locked
up.

Oh, he doesn't mind that. He spends most
of his time locked up.

A silly mistake has been made and the
common sense thing to do is to forget

about it.

But this is a government office and
common sense doesn't come into it.

The formalities must be completed.

Now, take this form.

There we are.

Now, read it carefully.

Read it carefully and fill it in.

You can't read.

You've gone upside down, you idiot.

You can fill it in for him.

How can I? I've got my hand up his back,
haven't I?

Give it to me.

Now then, will you please answer... Will
you please answer the following

question? Yes.

And to make it more difficult, I shall
drink a glass of water at the same time.

Would you hand me the water?

Now then, fool... Hand me the water.

I don't understand a word.

Well, I just... I just spent my drink in
a glass of water. It's not easy, is it?

Marmalade.

Marmalade.

Now, Texas.

Male, I suppose.

Well, he was a little bit dedicated,
really.

Well, he was.

Until the woodworm got at him.

Well, I suppose I'd better leave it
open.

Oh, I won't do that.

That's why the woman got in.

Fuck me!

Ah, next question.

Any children?

Three.

Three children?

Yes, I have.

No, no, no, not you, him.

Don't you discuss it, he's only 12.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise this.

Next of kin is the oak tree at the
bottom of the garden.

He's not a close family, but he comes
from a branch of it.

Thank you.

Put that denim of tea down.

It's a secret, I know.

Do you mind? That was my tea. I haven't
finished it. I'm sorry. He thought it

was tea oil.

Now, one last formality. Could...

Mr Marmalade signed the form?

Of course.

Could I borrow a pen, please?

Could you borrow a pen?

A pen? A pen, yes.

It's a terrible speller.

It was his greatest downfall.

He went to school. His mother wanted him
to be a school desk.

But he didn't lay legs for it.

I don't think I need to lay you any
further.

Mr. Gabbard.

Do you mind?

You naughty boy!

Take your man's pain into the case you
go!

Load up the case!

Armaduke doesn't have to pay tax.

Of course he doesn't. Good eye.

Good eye.

Oh, look at that. Ten years.

Ten years.

Slaving over a hot pen.

Ten years.

Oh, very good, brother.

Ah, but the I before the E, except after
C.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to do something that was a little bit

dramatic.

In which I do a one -man play with two
parts of it.

And I'll show you both simultaneously on
positive at the same time.

Now, I want you to imagine the scene.

It's a prisoner of war camp outside a
village called Cisselslush.

Cisselslush.

Cisselslush. Slush, slush, slush.

Berlin.

And the time is 1940, or 20 to 8.

And the leader of the escape committee
is Brigadier von der Gussmann.

he's been sent for by that brutal cop
cabinet, Fritz von Schweiner.

So, Brigadier, you're wondering if I
sent for you?

370 prisoners escaped from the camp.

How does you account for this?

You left the front gate open.

Lies, old lies!

They smuggled themselves out in the
laundry baskets.

How do you file that out?

You'll never see them again, I'll tell
you that.

I know that laundry.

Here is the list.

Two vests, four shirts, and 370
frizzles.

And when they are caught, they will be
shot.

Oh, no, they won't.

Yes, they will.

Oh, no, they won't. Yes, they will.

Everyone will be shot one by one
because...

One half of me digs an escape tunnel,
and the other half's chasing me up it.

And the third half rescues me from
myself.

And while you're working it out, it's
design.

We'll see you next time.

Do you like food? I do. I eat nothing
else.

I had a meal last night. I ordered
everything in French.

Surprised everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

And I said to this Chinese waiter, I
said, this chicken is cold.

He said, well, it should be. It's been
dead two weeks.

I said, not only that. I said it twice.

I said, you've got one leg shorter than
the other.

He said, what do you want to do? Eat it
or dance with it?

forget the chicken.

He said, give me a lobster.

I looked at him, I said, just a minute,
he's only got one claw.

He's been in a fight.

I said, well, give me the winner.

Either this Chinese restaurant or he's
got a Scottish chef and he has one of

sweet and sour haggis.

What I don't like is the chopsticks.

I mean, you eat one.

Two hours later, you feel like another
one.

But what makes a meal for me is the
friendly, kind, and efficient waiter.

Come with me.

On second thought, it's this way.

Ah, child.

Yes, I think we'll have the... Fish

and chips twice.

Which one do you like, sir?

Oh, I think I'll... Yes, I'll have that
one. Sure, sir.

What, that one?

Yes. Not Fred.

Fred? He's been here for years since we
opened, kind of Fred.

He's my little fishy friend.

Don't be ridiculous, man. He's here to
be eaten.

Shh, he heard that.

I know all his moods.

Look at him swooping about there.

Oh, that was slow.

I thought he was a trout.

Oh, it's jokes now, is it?

I'm feeling brute.

Look in there.

Fred. Come on, Fred.

Choo -choo, choo -choo, choo -choo, choo
-choo.

Choo -choo, choo -choo.

You're not having it.

I want the menagerie.

Oh, that's different.

If you don't get me that truck, I can
personally see to it that you're fired.

Oh, well, it was him who made us
different. You should have told me that

first place.

Fred!

Come on, Fred. Look what I've got for
you, Fred.

Come for a walkie, Fred.

Thank you, Fred.

How about egg on toast?

Oh, and tartar sauce.

It is like tartar sauce.

I'll take him to the chef.

I think I'd rather have the steak.

Oh, there's a poor... Yes, do you know,
I think we'll both have the steak

instead. Steak?

And not trout?

I must say, you've had a wonderful
audience.

Come the same time tomorrow and you miss
the show.

I went horse riding the other day.

This cowboy hat reminded me.

You know when you go riding, you go with
the horse like that. You're supposed to

go up and down like that, aren't you?

Up and down.

Up and down.

I went up, and when I came down, the
horse had gone.