All language subtitles for Tommy Cooper 1973 s01e02 Sacha Distel - Christmas - December 25, 1973

Bye. Bye. Oh,

don't cry.

All right.

I've got to get that in there.

My little boy loves this, and I love
kids. Went to school with them.

My boy came towards me the other day,
and he walked slowly

towards me, but... Oh, it's wonderful.

He's only 15.

He'll be 16 soon, no one let him.

Oh, dear.

I joined a golf club last week.

Keep coming apart.

I don't know what it means.

I still want to do some of these ones.

Ho, ho, ho.

On the wrist.

What? I've got two watches.

I've got millions of them.

Now, tell me what I'm going to do now.
What's that? I'll tell you.

My wife had her face lifted last week.

But it's not high enough. I can still
see it.

Plastic tray.

Full glass tumbler.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. What
am I shouting at?

Now, what I do is this, you see.

I fill this with water.

One tumbler there, look.

And that one there.

And that one there.

And that one there.

And it never sell.

Now, I put the plastic tray on there
like that. Now, the trick is this.

I have six fresh eggs.

Now, these eggs are so fresh, the hens
haven't missed them yet.

I'd like some here at random.

Mr. Random.

Would you point at any egg you liked?
Which egg would you like?

This one.

Why that one?

Why not that one? This one?

All right.

Now, what I'm going to do, look, I'll
break the egg to show you that it's

genuine.

I take one tube there, one tube there,
put it on there like that, and the other

tube there.

So that's four tubes of four glasses.

And I get four fresh eggs.

Now, I can't break these, otherwise I'll
have no trick left.

So we assume they're all right.

I place one there.

Now, the trick is this.

What I have to do, you see, I've got the
water to break the fall of the eggs.

And what I do, I should go like that,
see?

Or I may go like that, I don't know.

And the tray goes over there.

And the eggs... They're supposed

to go into the glasses.

And I want to know why it hasn't worked.

Just like that.

I'd like to point out that you are a
direct line of fire.

If I got one egg in, it'd still be a
good trick, wouldn't it?

Yes? It would, wouldn't it?

And I'd like to tell you... I'll give
you a little tip.

If one or two of these eggs fly out...
If they fly out, see, just test them

that.

What is the clock?

So hold on, I'm behind of a word.

Why would we ever change?

We should get off.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'd like to
sue for you now, if I may.

Would you like that?

Yes. Yes? Yes.

Right, thank you.

You must remember this.

A kiss is still a kiss.

A cry is just a cry.

My voice was trained in Venice.

I'll go back there one day and get it.

As time goes by Moonlight loves songs He
usually had a date

Heart full of passion Jealousy and hate
Woman needs man But

man must have his mate On that you can
rely Yes.

I shall never forget the first time I
met her.

She was sitting on top of Waterloo
Bridge, digging her feet in the water.

And she cocked one eye at me, and I
cocked one eye at her.

And there we stood together, cock -eyed.

She had lovely wavy hair all down her
back.

Both on top.

And she had protruding teeth.

Right through her upper lip.

And I said to her, I'll take you to a
dentist.

So I took her to a dentist.

And I got her a best set of teeth.

That money can buy.

And then she left me.

Just like that.

She laughed at me with my own teeth.

a car to borrow a white handkerchief. A
white handkerchief?

Yes? Anybody here?

Yes, sir.

Wonderful sport. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

I'll give you one later on, all right?

Thank you.

Here we go now to the last trick.

I want you all to count one, two, three,
all right?

One.

Needs no introduction, so I won't give
her any.

Ladies and gentlemen, here she is,
Clodagh Rogers.

We'll be right back.

and cozy always.

We'll travel up together like two birds
of a feather should be.

Let's take the road before us and sing a
story or two.

Come on, it's lovely weather for a
sleigh ride together with you.

I'm dreaming.

of a white Christmas just like the ones

I used to know where the

treetops glisten and children listen

to hear sleigh bells in the snow

May your days be merry and bright,

and may all your senses

be...

Children, listen to hear those sleigh
bells

in the snow.

All right, all right, sir.

I'll see to this, Jarvis. Hang on to
this, will you?

Now, my good fellow, I have to be a ten
-pound note, I'm afraid. I'm nothing

smaller. Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Just a minute.

That face.

Well, I can't help it.

A child.

A small baby boy. So many years ago.

I have an old locket here.

In it is a photograph.

Oh, my God, no.

Tell me, were you left on the steps as
at Swiffin's Orphanage?

Many, many years ago, a foundling child,
cast out, never knowing who your father

was. Yes, yes, yes, I was.

And so was I.

But I don't go around begging.

Good evening. Tonight, live from the
Glassblowers Hall, Wimslow, we give you

match between Arthur Ludgrove, Southern
Area Professional Super Champion.

Good evening.

And Terence Cooper, Amateur Champion of
the Northeast.

Now, this will be a very exciting match.

The best of three friends.

What sort of an outfit do you call that?

What sort of an outfit do you call that?

My... My plus threes.

They should have been plus fours, but
they shrank.

You are Terence Cooper, amateur snooker
champion. Nearly right. No, I'm Thomas

Cooper, amateur golf champion.

I see.

Tonight, live?

Well, there seems to be a bit of a mix
-up, but I'm sure we can sort it out.

See, I've got this letter you see.

Invite me.

What's snooker?

It's a game with balls and a sort of a
stick.

No, that's golf.

Yes, yes, it is similar.

Could I have the mic, please?

Peter, Peter, love, excuse me.

I don't think we can go on.

We've got to go on. This is a live show.
And get that blasted boom out of shot.

We are going on.

Mr Cooper, will you begin?

Yes, yes.

It's just one of those little mix -ups
of problems.

I'm sure we'll have a very interesting
contest.

It's just one of those things.

Four!

Mr. Cooper, you can't play golf on a
billiard table.

You're quite right. There's only six
holes.

Get aside, Richard. Break first.

Yes, I think perhaps you're better.

Now, look.

You just do what I do. Right? Yes.

Do you mind?

Thank you.

What are you trying to do?

Oh, sorry.

To put some backspin on the cue ball, a
screw shot with a little side, round all

the angles, back into bulk, and then
snooker you behind the green.

Why not?

What's he talking about?

Your turn.

This is going to be very tricky, this.

No, no, no.

There's a cue.

Who's in front of me?

is to put the ball into a pocket.

Oh, no, no. Give me here.

Right, right.

Thank you.

Like this, see?

There we are.

In the pocket.

Right. Then you put all the coloured
balls, you see?

Yellow, brown, blue, green, pink and
black.

Somebody wants to say I'm colourblind.

Just do the best you can.

Right. Of course, you may need a rest.

What? A rest under the table.

I'm not tired.

What's he talking about?

I can't go on with this guy. He's a
maniac.

He doesn't know how to handle a cue.
Nothing.

I can't. Watch this. Of course I can.
Just watch this.

Don't breathe.

Oh, very good.

It's not easy.

Just a minute.

Let's tackle.

You think so? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, good news.

Mr. Joe Davis, world snooker champion,
is in the hall.

to step in and finish the match.

Mr Joe David.

It's now my great pleasure to introduce
our next artist.

He's the real reason we joined the
Common Market.

What do I do? Play some music. Music!

Music!

When this old world gets me down, when
there's no love to be

found, I close my eyes. And soon I find
I'm in a playground

in my mind where the children laugh,
where the

children play, and we sing a song

all day.

My name is Michael. I've got a nickel.

I've got a nickel shiny in you.

I'm going to buy.

All kinds of candy.

That's what I'm gonna do.

My name is Michael.

I've got a Nika. I've got a Nika shiny
and new.

I'm gonna buy me all kinds of candy.

That's what I'm gonna do.

All the wonders that I find in a
playground in my

mind.

In a world that used to be, close your
eyes and follow me.

Where the children laugh and the
children play.

And they sing a song all day.

My girl, it seems when we get married,
we're gonna have a baby

or two.

We're gonna let them visit their
grandma, that's what we're gonna do.

My girl will see me when we get married,
we're gonna have a baby

or two.

We're gonna let them visit their
grandma, that's what we're gonna do.

In a playground in my mind.

One, two, three.

Out on the edge of beyond, far away, out
in the blue.

Over the end of the world, there's a
land that's too blue.

Wish on the moon that night Though the
frost was cruel When a poor man came in

sight Gathering winter pure

Bishopette, ladies and gentlemen.

The sunshine of my life That's what

I'll always be around

You are the apple of my

eye Forever you stay in

my heart

I loved you for a million years.

But if I thought our love was ending,

I'd find myself drowning in my own
tears.

sign of my life and that's why I'll
always

be around you are

the apple of my eye and forever

you stay in my heart

you must have

Because you came to my rescue.

And I know that this must be heaven.

I put so much love.

time.

As they say in France, good evening.

Now, tonight, this duck and me are going
to show you how to make a duck

omelette.

Right, away you go.

That's it. Look at that. Lovely.

See, it was worth all the rehearsals,
wasn't it?

I kept telling you, didn't I?

Now, I'm going to break this duck's egg
into the bowl.

What do you think happens to the eggs
you lay?

We've got to lay them, haven't you?

I mean, what else can you do with them?

All right, all right, don't upset
yourself. I'll tell you what I do. I do

week's recipe instead.

Roast duck.

Roast D -U -C -K.

What about that? A duck that can spell.

All right, now, there's nothing personal
in this. But I've got my living to

make, haven't I?

Now, if you could be so kind, just step
into that baking tin.

Just hop in.

Any time you like.

Just creep in there.

Go ahead.

Now, you can either pluck a duck or not.

It all depends whether you like feathers
in your gravy.

In you go, then.

Are you still thinking about it? Right,
in you go.

Well, why are you thinking about it?
I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll prepare

the sauce.

Orange sauce with real oranges.

Because you can't have roast duck
without orange sauce.

I knew you were going to do that.

See?

I've got some more hair left.

Already done.

See what I mean?

Right, here we go. Now, I'll tell you
what we do now. You get the soup.

Now, you add parsley, sage, and a little
thyme.

That's for people who like seconds.

You like that, don't you?

Right, now then, and also some wine.
See, now, a lot of people like dry wine.

But I prefer a wet one.

Turps, that's good too, turps.

Right, now then. And also, there you add
the salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper.

Salt, mustard, vinegar and pepper.

Add some mushrooms.

Now, I'll give you a little tip so how
you can tell the difference between

mushrooms and toadstools.

As a toadstool, everybody drops dead
after dinner.

Now, we've got the soup and we've got
the sauce.

So we put the soup on the high guy and
the sauce on the low guy.

You still thinking about it?

Well, I told you.

Who prepared the dessert?

Which is a peach surprise.

Because they made a pineapple.

And you add the top of the pineapple.

But I could get mad, I tell you, I could
get mad.

I'm mad, I'm mad.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Right? And then you add some caster
sugar.

Caster.

And then some flour.

Self -raising flour.

Everything's ready except you.

Everything is ready except you.

Go to sleep, my baby.

Close those big blue eyes.

When you're sweetly dreaming, you'll get
a big surprise.

What's the matter with you? I'll tell
you what we'll do.

We'll have roast chicken instead. Roast
chicken.

Pink Wenceslas last looked out on a
feast of Stephen when the snow

laid round about.

Deep and crisp and even.

Brightly shone the moon at night over
Crossbow School when a poor man came

in sight gathering winds of dew.