Original subtitles

A fella goes to the psychiatrist.

He says, Doctor, he says, I keep thinking I'm a tin of biscuits.

And today, I feel dry and flaky.

The doctor says, say no more.

Say no more. You're crackless.

This fella went to the doctor, sir.

And he walked in like that.

I could have been like that, but I think I was like that.

And he walked in, sir.

And he said, Doctor, he said, I think I'm going to die.

I thought, don't be stupid.

Lift your 80.

I'm up 80 now.

He said, here, I want to tell you.

Thank you very much.

Just like that. Just like that.

There's a fella with a glass eye, and he gets on a bus.

Just like that.

And all of a sudden, he takes his glass eye out and starts bouncing it up and

down. Just like that. Up and down. Up and down.

The conductor walks over to him. He said, here.

He said, what do you keep doing that for?

He said, well, I want to see if there's any seats upstairs.

I was standing at this corner. La, la.

No, it was la.

And I just crawled out.

Sure. I just crawled out. La, la.

I was la, la. And the crawled out was la, la.

And there was this woman. She was standing la, la.

And she said, excuse me, but what about your crawled out? Why don't you take it

to the zoo? I said, I took him there. He didn't like that, so I'm taking up the

pictures.

Right, right.

You four, absolutely lovely. Super -duper. You're all in.

Sorry, dear, you won't do at all. Try the BBC.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Have I got time for more?

As for our production of Zephyr Cloth, four live ducks.

I've got to wait again.

Look, see that?

This one does the same look.

Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now.

It's a very famous egg -a -bag trick.

Here's the egg as a bag.

My teeth itch.

I went to the dentist. He said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come

out.

And I said... He looked at me, and I said, I've got to...

Terrell paid just up there.

See?

Up there it was.

So he said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I said, what's that?

Because he spoke to me.

And I said, I'm going to pay it up there. He said, well, I'll tell you

I'll x -ray it. So you get these little tiny x -rays like that, a little small

one like that.

And you put it up there like that. You hold it up there like that.

And I'm sitting there like that.

And they bring this x -ray machine in, see?

And it went... Just

like that.

And he took it out and he looked at it and he said, no wonder it hurts. You've

got a finger poked up there.

Ain't very baggy.

I thought I was waiting to go.

The same dentist.

And I was sitting reading the magazines.

Wasn't it awful about that Titanic?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ha,

ha, ha, ha.

very, very closely.

And if you see any suspicious moves, don't say anything.

This egg will vanish in front of your very eyes so you won't have the

clue where it's gone.

On the other hand, I've got four fingers in the thumb.

Oh, dear.

I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out.

I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out.

So, uh... Look at that, I'm naked.

So... So I went to this doctor, and I said, it hurts me when I do that.

He said, well, don't do it.

Last night I ordered everything in French to surprise everybody.

It was a Chinese restaurant.

And I said to this Chinese waiter, I said, look, this chicken I got here is

cold. He said, well, sure, but it's been dead two weeks.

I said, not only that, I said, I said, I said it twice.

I said, he's got one leg shorter than the other.

He said, what do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?

I said, give me a lobster.

So he brought the lobster. I looked at it. I said, just a minute.

I said, just a minute, I said.

I said, you've only got one claw.

He's been in a fight.

I said, well, give me the winner.

I said an ovation.

And I said... Oh, God, something in my eye.

It's my finger.

So I said to this child... What happened then?

So I said... I said to this childish waiter, I said, excuse me, and he said,

yeah.

Look at that, impressions as well.

I said, tell me something. I said... are there any Chinese Jews?

He said, I don't know.

So he went and he came back and he said, no,

there's only apple juice, pineapple juice.

So I said,

so I said to the Chinese way to be on the counter.

See? I said, excuse me. And he said, yeah.

Could have been the same one.

Well, he could have walked around, couldn't he?

I said, have you got frog's legs?

And he said, yes.

I said, well, hot with a kind of get me a cheese sandwich.

My boy said to me today, he said, what do you call a gorilla?

that's got a banana on each ear.

And I said, what do you call a gorilla that's got a banana on each ear?

He said, anything you like, he can't hear you.

The very famous Belgian one.

There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white

tips is to separate the ends from the centre.

There's a hyena.

You know, a hyena.

And he's talking to this monkey.

And he said to this monkey, he said, you see that little passage, that little

thing down there, the little narrow... He said, just down there, you see those

big clump of trees and bushes?

And this monkey said, yes.

He said, well, I go home that way every night.

He said, I don't have to.

But, you know, it's a shortcut for me. I go home.

He said, well, every time I get to that bunch of trees there...

He said, this lion jumps out and throws me all over the place.

He said, I don't know why he picked on me.

All the time he keeps throwing me about, bashing me about.

He said, and then he goes.

He thinks it's funny, you know what I mean?

So, the monkey said, I know what you mean.

He said, well, I'll tell you what. He said, I'll come over here tonight, you

know, to protect you.

So he said, would you? He said, yes.

So... So they shook hands on it.

Nothing in writing. Just shake it. They shook it.

And he started to walk down towards the clump of trees.

See?

I cut out laughing. I know what's coming next.

And he got down to this clump of trees, and he was just going to turn like that,

and this lion jumped up and got this hyena and went, whoa!

Boom!

And this monkey went right up the tree and left him there. Look at him, right

there.

And he was like that.

And all of a sudden, this lion went, boom, boom, and left this lion on his

like that.

He may have been like that. No, he's like that.

And then this monkey came down and was standing beside him.

And this lion was like that.

And he looks up at this monkey and he said,

He said, I thought you were going to help me.

He said, well, I was, he said, but when I looked down, he said, you were

laughing so much, I thought you were winning.

You know,

I'm very soft -hearted, really.

I am, honestly. I wouldn't harm a fly.

And I never use these fly killers, never.

I use this.

Instant starch.

It doesn't kill them, but they glide out the window like that.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I was walking over the other night and a man came out from a doorway. He said,

have you seen a policeman around here? I said, no, he's a stigma.

people express their feelings through different ways.

Some people express their feelings through a song.

Other people express their feelings through poetry.

But tonight, I will express my feelings by speaking to you through my trumpet.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

You see this leaf?

I saw this... I saw this little leaf on a tree all on its own.

All on its own. It was because its little brother and sisters had been

away with the wind.

So I thought to myself, I'll take that little leaf home.

And I put it in a little flower pot on the windowsill with fresh soil.

And let the sun gleam on it.

So that it would grow into a nice big tree.

All proud.

All on his own.

And then I thought, I want to hell with it.

Five hearts, ace of spades, queen of diamonds.

Put the ace of spades down there.

Five of hearts down there.

Andy.

Three of diamonds has completely vanished.

Both sides of the mat, look.

Mr. Random.

Would you think of any card you like in the pack, sir, but don't tell me.

Think of any card, sir.

No, just think of one, sir.

Have you thought of one, sir?

Right, now this is mind over matter.

If you don't mind, I don't matter.

I'll put the cards in there, sir.

Especially for you And with these simple words I

say

Today is so rare.

Love such as yours.

to Livingstone, I presume?

No.

It gives me great pleasure to name the ship The Sheik of...

Livingstone, I presume?

Yes.

Well, look, they can't read your prescription down at the chemist.

Excuse me.

Are you Albert Smith, 49 Billabong Avenue, Melbourne, Australia?

Yeah, that's right, copper.

Well, your tea's ready.

Good evening.

Tonight, we're fortunate to have with us in the studio a notable expert on

karate, judo, kung fu, and jujitsu.

the only holder of the black belt in all four fighting arts.

I'd like that.

I haven't finished introducing you yet. Just get off, get off.

And the winner of the gold medal for heavyweight origami at the last

Mr. Thomas Cooper.

Yes.

I'd like that.

I think I've done my leg in.

Good evening, Mr. Cooper. Good evening.

Now, I believe you have a black belt.

Yes.

And before that, I had a brown belt. And before that, I had a white belt.

And before that?

My trousers were folded.

You're also, I believe, one of the few people actually to fight in Japan

Oh, yes.

Only once.

Oh. Yes, only once.

Because they fight down there on a big, big mat.

And I came out, and I touched my forehead on the floor.

Yes, of course, the traditional courtesy of Japan.

No, I tripped over the net.

No? No, not yet. No, later.

And then, I'll talk about my dressing gown.

All the crowd shouted, Hayata, Hayata, Uesamata. Oh, yes.

Which is roughly translated means, you've got no shorts on.

And how did the fight go?

How did it go?

Yes. Well, as a matter of fact, no?

No, no, later, later.

Well, I started off, you see, with a long -arm knuckle blow, like that. Yes.

In Japanese, it's called the ida. Oh. And then I followed up with the elbow

Yes. See, which is called the nutter. Mm -hmm.

Yes.

And all the crowd was screaming, is that nutter? Is that nutter?

Yes, now, these karate experts in Japan, what are they like?

Marvelous. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Japanese.

All Japanese are. Oh, yes.

And one was about that high. See?

And... About that.

About that.

And... These six men came towards him.

Six. About seven foot tall, they were.

And they all came towards him and attacked him at the same time.

And what happened?

They murdered him.

Tell me... No.

Not yet.

No.

Tell me.

Now, what would you do if a man came towards you with a gun in his hand?

About 50 miles an hour.

You're right. Now is the time. Now is the time. I believe that you are going

break these four bricks in halves with a single blow of your hand.

That's quite right.

Yes. Quite right.

Because, poor, that there is like a solid steel.

Yes.

I don't feel any pain.

No pain at all. Marvellous.

This hand is a killer.

No.

Yes, go ahead.

What's the matter?

It's the wrong hand. It's this one.

Well,

don't worry too much as long as we can go on with the other demonstration.

Is that it? Yes, with the water.

Oh, yes, yes, of course. I like to show you that, because I like to show my

amazing reflexes and how quickly I move, you know.

If you could... Why don't you hold the wood for a minute? What I should

do, I should go down here like this, see?

Yes. I should stand here like that, right? And you'll be up there, and I

you to creep towards me and try to hit me in the back with that plank of wood.

Are you sure about that? Oh, yes, because you won't have a chance, you

Because I shall stand like that.

I shall turn around very quickly like that.

Or I may go that way. I don't know.

I may go up.

I'll see it. And I shall take the wood and jam it in the eyes like that.

Yes, I'm not very good at hitting people.

Don't worry. I'll tell you what. Take your shoes off so I can't hear you

down the door.

Up here. Up here? Yeah.

Right? Just there like that.

Oh, yes.

Right? See? Now, don't forget, Noah, come down any time you like, because

got amazing reflexes.

How was that?

That was a bit quick.

I tell you what, can you cough?

Yes.

Put your shoes on.

Oh.

And this time, when you come down, cough.

Like that.

Yes. I mean, you'd better give me a chance. Oh, of course, yes.

I mean, I've got amazing reflexes.

But you'd better be fair. Yes, fair's fair. Oh, yes. Yes, I do.

I do see that.

Right. Right.

Yes. Then come down, say, as puff, loud as possible.

I'm beginning to enjoy this.

Can you... Can you sing?

Not very well. Any particular song?

Anything you like.

I'll tell you what to do this time. Look, steer me on. Yes. You've got your

shoes on? Yes. I want you to come up here.

See, and sing a song and come down very heavy like that. Ah, see. It's a long

way to temporary.

It's a long way to go.

Yes.

Right? Yes.

See, I want you to sneak up on me loudly.

All right, ready? Are you ready? Okay.

That's it.

Surprise, attack, surprise.

I'll tell you what.

How about wearing a blindfold and bang a big drum?

I think we'd better go on with the next item.

What is the next item?

There's two boys, one girl.

and two guitars.

Please welcome their arrival, six legs in perfect harmony, the Springfield

Revival.

She comes upon the scene. They always stare like a statue made of stone.

And when they realize that what's before your eyes, the other girl.

monkey on a limb.

He wonders why the people go to so much trouble to try to be like

him. He doesn't understand that it's the lady's hand that makes a heart

feel so sublime.

And before too long, he starts to sing this song and maybe gets in the tongue

girl.

All right.

And when you get up close to the lady with the charm.

But from miles away, you can see her grave.

To the beat of a Cuban song, to find her calm.

Oh, down in the Caribbean, inside a dream you see.

And when you get up close to the lady with the charm.

Why not? Because you look lovely just where you are.

Great white goddess, she who must be obeyed. She who must be obeyed?

You can't park here, love.

That's another fine mess you've got me into, Stanley.

Good boy.

I'd like to do something serious for you now.

It's a one -man theatre in which I play 400 different people.

But luckily, 398 are not in this scene.

Just him and him.

The scene is 1941.

So there's someone.

It's 1941, a prisoner of war camp in the Rhine.

And they're all wearing Rhine coats.

And... The leader of the British is the officer,

Captain... Creamtee.

He's one of the real Dempster Creamtees.

And he's face to face with that brutal camp commandant.

Hands, knees and bumps it is.

Captain.

Captain.

Yesterday, there were 200 prisoners in the camp.

Today,

We built our escape tunnel back to front.

Silence!

Silence!

as they should, which...

To have more... More... To teach you to

have... What? Yes, all right.

To teach you to have more respect in the future.

You will put on the blindfold.

Have you one last request?

Yes, could I have a cigarette?

Ladies and gentlemen, meet my special guest, John.

Rivers belong where they can ramble Eagles

belong where they can fly I've got to be

where my spirit can run

Thank you.

Never for something small.

But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all.

So don't ask where I'm going.

Just kiss me when I'm gone.

And far away you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn.

Morning glow.

Morning glow.

Seems to glimmer.

Your cloak monsieur.

Your hat monsieur.

Your cane monsieur.

Your gloves monsieur.

Ten million francs. Wait.

That's impossible, monsieur.

There are limits.

Well, monsieur, anything.

Seventeen.

Your cloak, monsieur.

Your hat, monsieur.

Your cane, monsieur. Your blood, monsieur.

I play when I want, look rich at the end of the show, and I want something big

to get off of.