Original subtitles

Sorry I was so long.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank

you.

There we are.

One coin,

two coins, three coins.

Three quarters and a pound.

I won't do that.

And I'd like to show you a photograph now of the famous escapologist Houdini.

Look at that, he's got away again.

Oh, dear.

An old boy picked his book up in the street, you see, and he took it home and

his mother said, what have you got there?

He said, well, I found this. Look, he said, it's full of post -orders and

cheques. Look at that.

Post -orders and cheques.

She said, let me have a look. So she opened the book. She said, what are you

talking about? He said, let us see the alphabet.

He said, no, it's full of post -orders and cheques, I'm telling you. Look at

that. No, let us see the alphabet. I'm telling you, look at that. Let us see

alphabet. So the father said, let me have a look. So he said, how many more

these books are you going to buy? Look.

He said, just play notebooks.

He said, no, Dad, it's full of postcards and checks. I'm just telling you. She

said, don't take the notes, the letters of the alphabet, like that.

So little Mary came in, saw the book, opened it, and played a few bars of the

Blue Daniel.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

See, and the father couldn't say anything at all like that, look.

Turned up over there like that, exactly the same.

Letters of the alphabet.

So little Fred came in and said, just the book I want, he said. From my stamp

holder.

Crossword puzzles.

See, he said, how are you going to do that? All the letters at the alphabet,

like that.

Mary came in, just the book I want, he said. Look, from my stamps. Look at

Clever, isn't it?

The father couldn't see a thing like that. He'd go and fly like that all the

time.

Here's a pack of cards. I'd like someone here to think of any card in the pack.

Cheeky Clubs. Cheeky Clubs, right. Come on.

Did it very well, then.

Now, watch.

Inside here is a snake.

Now, this snake, I'm going to throw this pack of cards inside here like that.

And that snake, you pick the chosen card up in his mouth like that.

Looks wonderful. Comes up just like that.

Hit the cards in there.

Rise.

Here's a drink now on the candle.

Last night after rehearsals, I went to the pub just for a drink, you know, I'm

bit thirsty.

I was in there having a drink and there was no one in there, quiet, except one

man sitting in the corner.

So I just looked at him like that.

It wasn't... Right, right, I just went like that, you know.

Just like that.

And he was crying.

It was a bit sad.

Crying he was.

So I went over to him and said, what's the matter?

He said, I'm lonely.

I'm lonely.

I said, well, come on, cheer yourself up. I said, you don't have to be lonely.

said, are there worse people in the world than you?

Cheer up now. Look at the bright side.

I said, come on, have a drink. What are you going to have?

He said, a double brandy and a can of dry.

I said, no wonder you're bleak and lonely.

Here's a trick, darling, with a candle. I just like the candle here like that.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Thank you. Very nice.

Very nice.

See, now, the idea of the trick is this.

I'll just go to...

I

should go like that, you see, and then... Who

are you?

I'm the fireman. Well, go to blazes.

The moment I saw that fire in our lovely studio, I thought to myself, Doreen?

Is your name Doreen? Yeah.

There was a mix -up in the maternity hospital, you see.

Poor Alf Bloggs.

Who's Alf Bloggs? The girl next door.

Awful. Awful, yeah. You don't seem to realise, a lot of people don't realise,

it's not, no, no, I'm sorry, it's no laughing matter, don't realise the

of fire.

No, a lot of people don't. Oh, but I wouldn't say that.

No, I wouldn't say that, because a friend of mine found out.

He rushed out of the house and he shouted, Fire! Fire!

What happened?

Somebody shot him.

Oh, it's a bit sad, that, isn't it? It is a bit sad. Yeah.

Got a laugh, though, didn't it? Got a laugh?

That's his maybe, but, I mean, there is still this question of the hazard of

fire. Now, for example, do you have a guard in front of you of all?

I did have.

But I got no good. Why?

Well, I kept tripping over his rifle.

Listen, would you excuse me now, because I'm in the middle of a show.

What show are you watching?

I'm not watching any show. I'm doing the show.

Oh, I see. If you don't mind, please. Thank you very much. Well, there's no

to be like that. I've just got to go on with the trip. There's no need to be

like that. We've all got our little jobs to do, you know. Our little niche.

We're all our little cogs in the world of television.

I don't think there's any need to brush past like that.

I didn't brush. I just walked past. No, you brushed. There's no brushing about

it. I just walked in like that. I went like that and I creaked in. You tended

brush. You tended to brush, but never mind, anyway. Is this all the stuff?

well, if you don't mind, I want to do this trick. Is this what you do? Yeah,

this is my turn. Yes, I do this, yes.

No, don't touch. Don't touch.

Well, tell me what card I got if you're good at this.

Well, I can't now because I'm doing this trick. You see, I'm doing this trick

and the candle goes up. That'll be all right later.

Very good trick. It goes up in the air like that. It turns out. Well, tell me

what card I got now.

Well, all right, we'll just put it in the box then. Just put it in the box,

Have we done that?

I've done that. Right, now, I'll close the lid.

Now, do you know what I'll do? Look, I'm going to wave over that, I'll make it

disappear from there.

I don't want to do this, I want to do that. But I'll just wave over there like

that, right?

And here we add some vegetables, look.

Right? A swede, a potato and an onion.

The car will disappear from there and make its way into one of those

Right?

Yes. Why don't you sit down, sit down.

You don't mind if I sit down here?

No.

Open the box.

Gone, isn't it?

Gone. Look at that.

Now, what vegetable would you like?

I'll have it in the onion.

In the onion. In the onion. Right.

Your card will appear in the centre.

Right?

Of this onion.

You know the name of the card, don't you?

Yes, I know the name.

It's got a pear inside it.

What's your card? A black one?

It was...

You've been here by now.

Come in.

Ah.

Hello, girls.

Everybody gave me strip poker.

And now, once again, it's interview time. And in our studio this evening,

very privileged to have with us the founder of modern nursing.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Miss Florence Nightingale.

That's your lamp, is it? Oh, very good.

Let me cigar. My doctor gave me this. Really?

Two for ten and six.

Really? I think I've got the 6 .21.

Now, call me Sir Florence Nightingale. Sir Florence Nightingale?

Yes. Why? Well, I'm a night nurse.

Tell me, where were you born, Miss Nightingale? I'm very pleased you asked

that. Good.

Because I was a great surprise to my parents. Really? Oh, yes. They found me

the doorstep.

Really? Oh, they were surprised.

Yes. They expected a bottle of milk.

And you came from a medical family, didn't you? Oh, yes. My father was a

doctor. Really? Yes.

But he had to give it up. Why?

Because he couldn't reach the operating table.

And your first job as a nurse was with a famous Harley Street surgeon. And then

one day in 1840, this man dismissed you.

Now, why did he do that?

Well, because I borrowed his instruments.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, he's a light and fried.

Then, of course, you went to the Crimea. I believe the cold out there was

intense. Oh, it was terrible. There was much colder outside.

What were the soldiers suffering from?

What were they suffering from? Well, pneumonia, flu, and zook. What zook?

Nothing. What zook were you?

Of course, you were admired greatly by all the soldiers.

your soldier patients ever ask you... Did none of your soldier patients ever

you to marry him?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

One patient asked me, but I refused him.

While I was giving him an aspirin. And how did he take it? In a small glass of

water, like that.

I mean, how did he react when you spurned him? Oh, awful.

Awful. Awful.

He shot himself.

Really? Yes. Right in the matter, chum.

What's the matter, chum?

Nothing. What's the matter with you?

Was malnutrition as serious in the Crimea as one reads about it? Oh, no,

We had a lot of Chinese food. Chinese food.

We had chop suey, chow mein, and snoo and chew.

Snoo... What's snoo and chew?

Nothing. What's snoo with you?

Snoo with you.

Snoo. Could you tell me, Miss Nightingale, where did you study

Where did you study nursing? Ah, where did I study nursing? Well, I won't tell

you, but I'll show you.

What place is that?

Edinburgh.

And of course, you had to study for a long time,

didn't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes, we studied. I mean, it took two years to be

nurse. Really? Oh, real hard, yes. Two years to be a nurse.

And it took four years to be a sister.

Four hard years to be a sister. That's what it takes.

It takes eight years to be a matron.

And it takes 15 years to get these bleating gloves on.

Put that

custard down, miss. You're under arrest.

Have with a soldier to desert.

In this way to travel, more and more British tourists are visiting foreign

countries. But language need never be a barrier when men of different

nationalities meet together in an atmosphere of hospitality and good

No.

Silence in court. Silence in court. Everyone on their feet, please, for that

merry man about law, the beak of the week, Jolly Justice Cooper.

Blankety -blank, blankety -blank, bother, flippin' heck.

Me lad, what on earth are you doing? I'm straying in the jury.

I think we should proceed smartly to our first case, my lord.

Quite right.

Have you got a chair?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Right, call in the accused.

I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I'm innocent.

I plead the unwritten law. And what's that?

How should I know? It hasn't been written yet.

Cause you tickle me, yes.

Fine.

Prisoner and adult.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, even

though it may incriminate you?

Yeah. To it.

About Mudge, is it not true that at the early age of eight you were arrested and

convicted for breaking and entering a jewellery store?

Yes, my love, but don't blame me, because my mum and dad couldn't afford

me a pair of glasses.

A pair of glasses? glasses. What's that got to do with it? Well, I couldn't see

the copper coming, could I? However, this time I'm definitely innocent.

Absolutely. A lot of lies.

I have here Exhibit B.

Here's Exhibit B.

That's real evidence for you. Now, do you know what I'm going to do?

No, no, don't. Don't. Don't send me to the clink. Silence!

Judge Cooper will now pronounce sentence.

Bravo!

And where do you propose to send this young scoundrel, Milad?

Holloway. Milad, I object.

Holloway is a... Holloway is a woman's prison. You can't send this man to

Holloway. You mind your own business.

Goodbye, all. I'm off to Holloway.

I'm... Call it off.

Call Monsieur Pierre.

Call Monsieur Pierre. Call Monsieur Pierre.

He just said a joke.

Monsieur Pierre.

Oui, monsieur.

No, sir.

No, sir.

Are you a hairdresser in the Mayfair? Oh, my way.

Yes?

Well, give us a paddle, will you?

And give it a short baton size.

What's next?

Well, surely you'll know, my lad.

It's the case of... Oh, yes, yes, I know, yes, yes. Don't tell me, I know,

I know.

It's Ricks versus McTavish. That's right.

That's it.

Rex versus McTavish.

That's right, isn't it? Yes, that's right. Yes, that's right.

Rex versus McTavish.

McTavish.

This is Rex.

Well, I would like to call the accused Jock McTavish.

Well, so you should. That's his name.

I'll call him myself.

Jock, you're on.

All right then, stop pushing, stop pushing.

I'd like to say here and now that I don't recognise this coat.

And why not?

Well, you've had it painted since the last time I was here.

Who are you?

Very well, thank you. Who are you?

I've just told my brother.

Are you Jock McTavish?

Yes, from 22 Slow Street, Glasgow.

That is correct.

Are you saying he played cards on the night of the murder?

That's right.

With friends?

That's correct.

You said three friends, didn't you? I did not.

Your name is Mac Tavish, isn't it? That is correct.

And it was three friends?

It was not.

You were playing cards with us?

Cards? In Chiswick?

No.

Hadzi who poisoned her husband.

Oh, bring her in. I'll put her in jail for life. For life.

Here is a letter written by Bonnie DeBeer in which she cold -bloodedly

her intention to murder her husband.

Exhibit A.

I'll read it.

By Bonnie DeBeer.

This is real evidence. It is. Is this the only evidence?

That is the only evidence.

Good. Case dismissed.

Well, it's almost time to end another day in Jolly Judge Cooper's court.

But before we go, here's Justice Cooper to sentence his last accused of the day.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

There's 22 years in the scrubs for you.

Poetic justice.

All together!