Original subtitles

Excuse me. Have you got sixpence for the phones?

Thank you.

It's Tommy Cooper!

I beg your pardon. Did you see a short, fat ball to the guy wearing a light gray

jacket, dark blue trousers, blue shirt, and a blue striped tie?

No, I haven't.

I'm lost.

Here's a trick now with some teacher papers. One red and one black.

Roll it into a ball like that.

Excuse me, Buttingen. I'm Brown from The Sun.

Really?

Well, you look dead white to me.

Do you mind if he takes a picture?

Certainly not. Wonderful. Certainly.

You got a piece of rope? Piece of rope, pair of swizzers. I mean, swizzers.

You cut

the rope in half, there's one, two. Two pieces of rope, I place them in the

right hand. I squeeze.

And now we have one long, single piece of rope.

I'm a liar.

What are you looking for? My wristwatch.

Where do you lose it? Out in the cloakroom.

Well, what are you looking here for?

There's more light here.

A pack of cards.

I did this very, very closely.

This will take me 15 long years to do this trick. 15 long years.

I shall spread them like that all the way along there.

Like that. And I shall catch them like that.

It looks good.

Fifteen years to take me through this.

All the way on there, like that.

Or it may go that way, I don't know.

I cut up laughing, I know what's coming next.

Fifteen years wasted.

Two handkerchiefs knotted together like that. Empty bag.

Right?

I placed a lot of handkerchiefs there like that.

And a gold.

Oh,

isn't it wonderful to be among all these beautiful trees in this orchard?

They're so... Look at that lovely big apple tree and that juicy red apple.

What's he talking about, apple tree?

My next trick is impossible.

It was

Christmas

Day in the cow shed.

The weather was bitter and cold.

and all the cows were frozen. Well, at least I have been told.

But the farmer wasn't worried, and without a single word, he took out his

blow lamp and began to thaw a herd.

I beg your pardon.

You're not supposed to be on yet. It was Christmas Day.

It was Christmas Day by the gas work, and Hank... them, Digby Trent.

Darling, darling, marry me.

I can't, I said.

It's lent.

It was Christmas Day in the butcher's.

And the lady said, good day.

I want some chops.

But make them lean.

And the butcher said, which way?

What are you doing here, Nora?

Congratulations on the big fight, Henry.

It's just a thing in the workhouse.

Not a pudding waltzing fight.

You ask me what I'm doing here upon your show tonight.

I'm here because of hunger, Tom.

I'm here because I need a crust of bread.

I've got eight kids.

And an agent, too, to feed.

Oh, don't show me pity, Tom, I pray.

But I have got my pride.

Just give me walk to take away the anguish here inside.

My children's faces looking up. Their little voices speak.

Dear mother, as a special...

And now, another great trick.

Would you help me, darling?

Thank you.

Would you sit down there, please? Yep.

Would you help me?

He said, good evening.

What are you doing here? I come to give you a lesson in judo and karate.

Not here, in my dressing room. Oh, this is not your dressing room?

No, it's an orchard.

Boxing, yes.

Because I come from a long line of boxers. Really?

Except my father, he's a cocker spaniel.

I used to box, I used to stand like that. Not for long.

Anyway,

what do you know about judo? Oh, I got black belt.

Well, I wear yellow socks, but I don't tell people.

No, but supposing you're attacked by a big, strong man.

What do you do?

I'll fight him off with the strength of ten men. Oh, how do you do that?

No, but supposing ten men attacked you, what would you do?

About 50 miles an hour.

Do you know, I used to know a Japanese expert, judo and karate, only that high,

and he took on ten men all at once, and they were about eight foot high, all at

once, he took them on. What happened?

They murdered him.

Now I give you a demonstration of karate.

from here, a large bowl.

It's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we have with us that

romantic rebel from Sherwood Forest.

Ladies and gentlemen, the legendary Robin Hood.

Robin Hood.

I'm going to watch this.

Oh, Robin Hood.

Oh, I've got to spit in there.

Place it down.

It's a great pleasure to have you in the studio this evening, and there are many

interesting questions I'd like to ask you. What

was

that? The golden arrow.

I must say, I was rather surprised to see you dressed all in pink. Shouldn't

have been in Lincoln green?

Well, I should really. I should, but I've got two reasons why. Oh, yeah?

First, I'm coloured by it. I see. And the second? The second, well, it helps

camouflage. I see. You know, to blend in with the trees. No, but the trees are

green. Not mine. I painted them pink.

Why did you paint them pink? To match the clothes.

Of all your merry men, tell us, who was your favourite?

Will Purple.

No, no, no. Surely you mean Will Scarlet.

Told you I was kind of blind.

Now... What on earth's that?

I mean, staff problems.

Now, Robin, there's another question I'd like to ask you. Yeah, go ahead.

It's very important. Yes, Peter.

Now, I'm going to be frank.

Yes, Frank.

Even my little sister didn't like them. Who was your sister? Little Red Riding

Hood.

You must have had a great food problem living in the forest. I understand you

and your merry men were poachers. Oh, yes, except Tuck. He was a friar.

And after you'd been a year in the forest, you and your merry men raided

Sheriff of Nottingham and stole £1 ,000 from him in silver.

Yeah, well, I thought the change would do me good.

But what would you say... What would you say was the most memorable moment of

your life? Well, when I shot an apple from my son's head. No, no, no, that was

William Tell. All right, well, I shot William Tell from my son's head.

Has anything else happened to you that's made you particularly proud?

Yes, when they did a TV series of me with that star, you know, Richard

No, no, no, you mean Richard Green.

I told you, I'm colourblind. No, colourblind.

Now...

What was Maid Marian's reaction when you told her you'd become an outlaw? Oh,

she was amazed.

Was she? Yes, she didn't know whether she was on her head or her heels. How

could you tell?

Well, she had her socks pulled over her ears.

What attracted you to Maid Marian, first of all? Well, it was the cute little

way she used to toss her head up in the air and catch it on the way down.

And why did you and Marian never wed?

We weren't the marrying kind.

Now, I wonder, sir, if you'd give us a demonstration of your remarkable prowess

as an archer.

Prowess? Certainly.

Sir, see that bow there? Yes, yes.

I'll carry on.

I've hit a target 200 yards away.

With that arrow?

Yes, because it's 200 yards long.

And, sir, what exactly is that?

Ah, yes, I see it.

It doesn't sound much, does it? No, it doesn't, no.

About two minutes from now, this place will be full of Vikings.

Well, thank you very much for coming along, Robert. You pesky, ornery,

signwinder. I'm taking you to jail.

Just a minute. Who's this?

The Sheriff of Nottingham.

Thank you, and good night, Robert Holmes.

Thank you.

Isn't that a trick now? You may not see. Look, two pieces of paper like that.

And roll them to hand like that.

Oh, Julie.

Michelle, you.

I thought they, uh, sank the Titanic.

When you stop making with the fat jokes, Tommy, it's me. I'm happy to tell you

I've lost six stone.

Really? Yep. That's enough to make another Ronnie Corbett.

Anyway, how do you lose so much weight?

Willpower. I gave up breakfast.

Really? When? This morning.

And I must say, you look marvellous. Well, well, Tommy, you look sensational.

And you look really handsome.

So are you.

Who said we couldn't act?

Listen, kid in the side, I want to tell you, it's a lot of fun to be with you.

And even though I, you know, I don't care if I get paid or not, I'm here as a

friend. Ah, that's nice.

Very nice. Very nice.

Because you're not getting paid.

So long, stranger.

No, just a minute, sir.

Listen, Tommy, it just so happens that I have a very nice orchestration here all

written out. You and I are going to sing it together.

It's a little duet. You sing wherever it's marked, Tommy. Okay, Bob.

The night is young, the skies are clear, and if you want to go walking, dear,

it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de -lovely.

I understand the reason why you're sentimental, well, so am I. It's

it's delicious, it's de -lovely.

You can't tell at a glance what a swell night this is for romance. You can hear

dear mother nature murmuring low.

Let self -goat hope please be sweet, my chickadee. When I kiss you, just say to

me, it's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable, it's delirious, it's

dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe, it's delightful.

Tissue paper.

Look at that, strong oil.

Oh.