Original subtitles

I'm sorry, sir. I think you need a size larger.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank you very much. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening. Good evening.

Good evening.

From this empty cloth, I will now produce four live ducks.

Oh! They got away again.

See this magic wand?

This was given to me by the Magic Circle.

Presented to me by the Magic... I belong to the Magic Circle. I just joined the

Secret Six.

I have. It's so secret, I don't even know the other five.

There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white

tips is to separate the ends from the centre.

It was given to me by the Magic Circle.

£500.

You couldn't get another one like this in the world. Impossible.

And it was given to me.

Special wood.

Really.

Look at the grey in that wood. Look at it.

Clock. Empty.

The idea of the trick is this. I'm going to make the clock disappear from there

and reappear in here.

I

don't

know what I'm talking about.

It's disappeared from there and makes its way into here.

Yes, it's there.

That's where you can go back again.

Look at that, then.

Thank you.

Here's a quick joke.

There's a man having a barbecue in the front garden, see?

And he's got the spit there like that, and he's turning it like that, you see?

Like that.

And the flames are getting higher and higher.

And he's singing.

Not bad, is it?

And the flame's getting higher and higher, see?

I'll sell them, if I will, goodbye.

And a drunk walks by, and he said, your signal's all right, but your monkey's on

fire.

Now, um, this is, um, Little Studio 4, through which

most of the minor shows are transmitted. Now, as you can see, we've got cameras.

and lights, and an audience, and a complete control box over there, and

floor, liner, et cetera, and scenery. Now, any questions, George? Excuse me.

What is significance of a red light on camera?

Well, a red light on a camera directly facing you means...

Look at that, I struck oil.

Do you know I had a funny dream last night? I was eating a ten pound

marshmallow.

And I woke up this morning, the pillow was gone.

There's a man, you see, this man, this bloke, had a big nose, you know.

He did.

It was something like that, it was.

As a matter of fact, it was bigger than that. It was really much bigger. It was

more like that.

And his wife said to him, Fred.

And he didn't say anything. He was just like that.

And she said, Fred.

And he didn't answer because his name was Jim.

And she said, Jim.

She said, what?

why don't you go to the doctors, you know, and see something, get something

about that nose?

She said, because, you know, it's a big nose, isn't it?

No, it was, and it was a big nose. It was like that.

So he said, all right. So he went to the doctor, see, and the doctor said,

what's the trouble? He says, it's my nose.

And the doctor said, well, I can see it's your nose.

He said, you said it wasn't your nose.

He said, possession, there's nine points of the law.

If it's stuck to your face, it's yours.

He said, anyway, who would want a big thing like that?

And it was big. It was like that.

And he

said, what do you mean?

He said, well, he said, I want you to make it smaller for me, you see.

So he climbed up on the ladder, this daughter, and he said, my goodness, he

said, what a big nose.

And it was big. It was like that.

And he said, I want it smaller, you see.

I want it smaller.

He said, well, it'll cost you 500 guineas.

So this man said, 500 guineas?

Scratching his nose, he said, that's a lot of money.

He said, I'll tell you what to do. He said, the doctor said, go to the vet.

There's a vet on the road.

And he only charged you 30 bob.

That's all.

So he went down and saw this vet. The vet said, come in.

He said, yes, all right. He said, I'll give you a new nose. I'll give you a new

one. Light it on the table.

I'll parade the table.

But he was a bit nearsighted. See, he was nearsighted.

So instead of giving him a nose, he gave him an elephant's trunk.

And when he woke up, he was like that.

And he walked about a bit to get used to it. Like that.

And he said to his wife, he said, be honest.

Be honest.

What do you think of it? What do you think?

And she said, stand over there a bit. So he went over there.

And she said, I like it.

I really like it.

So they went to the cinema to celebrate.

And they're in there watching the film. And he's like that with his trunk, see?

And he starts to sniff.

He's like that.

And his wife couldn't stand it any longer. She said, stop that sniffing.

He said, who's sniffing?

He said, I'm picking up peanuts.

Ah, that's it.

Now, comrade, I am going to show you various articles connected intimately

the secret mission you are about to embark on.

I want you to look at them very carefully, photograph them indelibly in

memory, and then destroy them. You understand?

Good, comrade.

Here is the type of passport that your contacts will be carrying.

Look at it very carefully.

Photograph each page indelibly on your memory.

Good, comrade. Now destroy it.

Are you mad?

No lights.

They are watching our every move.

Destroy it.

Destroy it.

Destroy it.

Here is the plan of the secret airfield that

you have to attack.

Not the position of machine gun posts and security points.

Look at it very carefully.

Photograph it indelibly in your memory.

The X -15 rocket.

Ready?

Photograph each memory cell in your mind.

the X -15 rocket.

Not the box!

The rocket.

It was designed by Dr. Sigmund Freud.

It is one of the most effective rockets that has ever been sent into upper

atmosphere.

Look at it carefully.

Photograph it.

every piece of information?

Now you have inwardly digested every piece of information.

One last instruction, comrade.

Repeat.

And now it's interview time. And in our studio this evening, we have with us the

young pretender himself, Prince Charles Edward Stuart.

Welcome, Your Majesty.

Get on, boy, get on.

Welcome, sir. Well, thank you, you're new.

Thank you, you're new.

It's nice to be here, the new.

We have a little chat, the new.

Have you quite finished?

Yes.

That's the end of the news.

history books. You last visited London in 1754.

Yes, I did. Yes.

I packed all my things and I came on a motorbike.

Motorbikes weren't invented then.

Yeah, I was wondering why they stared.

And I thought, it's because of my kilt. What about the kilt? Well, I wasn't

wearing one.

Now, after your defeat at Culloden, your army was in flight and you lost a lot

of men, didn't you? Yes, well, we crossed the Forth Bridge. But that

built. Well, I've just told you, we lost a lot of men.

And you and your second -in -command escaped into the highlands when,

unfortunately, he was caught by the Sassamax.

Very painful. Very painful.

How did you manage to avoid... Sir.

I'm a bit lopsided here.

Sir, how did you manage to avoid capture?

Oh, well, I had a good hiding place. A very good hiding place. My father used

take me there. What for? For a good hiding.

1745 must have been a very remarkable year for you.

Unforgettable. Absolutely unforgettable.

Well, tell us about it.

What?

About 1745.

It was a very memorable year for you. What happened then? Well, you were

from the English.

Who? The English.

Oh, yes!

Yes, you were hiding. Yes, yes. Of course I was, yes.

As a matter of fact, I was in this cave.

Really? And all the walls were dripping.

Remarkable. Well, it's very seldom you see a cave made of dripping.

Well, I was there and I saw this spider spinning a web. That was Robert the

Bruce. Oh, right, Robert the Bruce was spinning a web.

To be absolutely frank, sir, your ludicrously ill -conceived campaigns are

without parallel in the whole history of warfare.

You don't mind me saying that? No, no, no. I mean, I don't think there can ever

have been a really worse general than you. Now, you're not angry at me for

saying that. Why should I get angry? Say what you like.

To think that you could come down to England with your rabble of Scottish

Highlanders and beat the whole British Army.

Now, you're not angry. No, no, I ain't angry. Just give me a hint.

No, no, why should I be angry? What are you doing? Why should I be angry?

Why should I be angry?

Go on, get it. Now, pass the test. I'm taking it. Go on, get it. Get it there.

Ever since William Caxton in the 15th century, man has benefited greatly from

Caxton's great accomplishment.

making accessible to everyone the wonder of the printed word.

Excuse me.

I want something to read on holiday. Can you recommend a nice long book?

Certainly.

All right.

Have you got any maps?

Certainly, sir. What sort of map?

The map of the library.

I can't find my way out.

Excuse me, have you got part two on advanced judo?

Paper, paper, read all about it.

Read all about it.

Big robbery, read all about it.

Excuse me, have you got a book on the moon rocket?

Certainly, otherwise you'll never get a seat.

Good morning.

I wonder if you could recommend a good novel. Certainly. The one I'm reading.

Once you pick it up, you won't be able to put it down.

See? Look at that.

Uh, Miss Latour?

Yes?

Oh, well, this is the editor of the Sunday Globe.

Yes?

Well, your true confession story is much too sexy for our paper.

Oh.

Then you send it back.

Registered. No.

I'll bring it back.

Personally.

I'd like a book.

Certainly, sir. Any particular book? I think it's called Under the Bridge by

Dick and Harry.

Under the... That's the Unabridged Dictionary!

Wonderful. Send him in.

Come in, Longfellow.

And now our outside broadcast cameras take you to the romantic Middle East.

On behalf of...

On behalf of...

On

behalf

of...

On behalf of Madge's government, I present my credentials.

On behalf of

Madge's government, I present my credentials for the negotiation of the

treaty between Sheikh El Sheikh and Great Britain. Before we begin the

negotiations, it is the custom of our country, the Sheikhdom of Mook Mook, to

drink a welcoming glass in welcome.

Now, the question I would like to ask you is this. Before we ask the question,

it is the custom of our country, the shakedom of Mok Mok, to drink to our

and glorious friendship and to your great and beautiful queen, Queen

Queen Victoria.

Victoria.

And not forget in Prince Albert.

Now, the question... The question I'd like

to ask you is this. Before we ask the questions, it is customary in our

to drink first to our beautiful, underprivileged country, the shakedom of

Muck.

Now, the question I'd like to ask you.

Before we drink, before we ask... What is this?

Oh. This is Zumballa.

Zumballa. Zumballa.

Zumballa. Zumballa.

Zumballa. I heard you, I heard you, I heard you.

Zumballa. All right, all right.

Zumballa. All right, all right, all right, all right. You got me at it now.

What's it made of?

What is it made of?

I don't mind the frogs. I like that.

Now we drink to our shit.

Long may...

may shake.

Now, the question I'd like to ask you is this. Before we have the questions, we

drink again.

We drink to our ancestors, to our great and glorious ancestors,

and to the union in paradise.

You've got a lot of camels.

Excellent deal.

to this question.