Original subtitles

Excuse me, old chap. Would you run me to the station?

Certainly, sir.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the show.

And I've been asked to tell you that this is going to be a good, clean family

show.

So if you're having a good, clean family, out.

So now I'd like to get the show off to a flying stop.

Here's a little trick here. Watch very, very closely.

It's a pack of cards here like that. Look.

I take the cellophane off like that, you see.

Like that.

I take the cart out of the pack.

This trip starts very slowly.

Then it gradually peters out.

I slipped. I didn't know I was going to do that. I slipped.

I slipped.

It's a brand new pack. I take one cart from the pack like that.

I tear it in half. I tear it in a quarter.

I tear it in...

Lots of pieces.

I'll throw it down there.

Now, I'll tell you what I've done.

I've just ruined a new pack of cars.

Oh, thank you very much.

As a matter of fact, I don't feel myself tonight. I don't really.

And I hope you notice the improvement.

I've been feeling rough all day.

I have. This morning, I was lying in bed.

I was lying like that.

I could have been like that. No, I was like that. I was like that.

And I felt awful.

I really did.

I thought I passed away and nobody told me.

And I started to read the paper like you do and I looked on the obituary column.

I did.

And I read the whole list. And when I saw my name wasn't there, I got up.

Did you hear that joke about the near -sighted bank robber?

He went into the bank and he said, stick them up.

Are they up?

There's a man that had a cat, see, and he got knocked over by a steamroller.

And he didn't say a word.

He just stood there with a long puss.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now, I'll tell you what I've got in here as a prediction. I've done this a

couple of times before.

There's a picture in here. Now, I want just one person to shout out a name of a

film star.

Now, a film star.

Rin Tin Tin.

A name of a film star.

Who?

Gregory Peck.

Right, here we are.

Gregory Peck, here we are. And here's Gregory Peck when he was three months

The other night somebody said, Sammy Julia Davis.

Look at that.

I'm having the nose fixed and my teeth don't work.

No, somebody shouted out, Sammy Julia Davis.

Or Davis Julia.

I was ready for them.

Thank you.

I'm not going to drag things out tonight. I mean that.

I'm going to go through the act very fast.

Because I'm sick of it.

Dice, box, box, dice, dice, box, box, dice.

Box, dice, dice, box, box, dice, dice, box.

To hollow out to who am I? I was.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And make his way back inside here.

the doctor to be from there and make his way over there thank

you

thank you very much do you know last summer i

was up in scarborough for the summer season and my wife and i and my wife

down to the beach with a topless bathing suit

She did, and the lifeguard said, good morning, sir.

I brought her a brand new car last week, and she rang me up. She said, there's

water in the carburettor. I said, where's the car? She said, in the river.

And she went to have her face lifted.

She did.

And they said it couldn't be done.

So for £10, they lowered her body.

Here's another one you may not like. Listen to this.

What did the shepherd say when his old dog died after being with him for 20

years?

He said, Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I am sad.

Well, you wouldn't expect him to say anything funny, would you, when his dog

died, right?

When I was in Scarborough, when I was up there in Scarborough, I went to a

Chinese restaurant last night.

And I said, there's a Chinese waiter. I said, look, there's chicken I've got

here. It's cold.

He said, well, it should be. He's been dead two weeks.

I said, can I ask you something? He said, yes, yes, yes.

I said, tell me, are there any Chinese Jews?

He said, I don't know. I'll go and find out.

So he went and he came back. He said, no, there's only apple juice, pineapple

juice and orange juice.

Chinese waiter behind the counter, see?

I said, excuse me. He said, yes.

It could have been the same one, really, couldn't it?

I never thought he could have gone round.

I never thought of that.

Of course he... I hope he didn't, because I'd ticked him twice there.

I said, excuse me.

I said, no, I... Oh, I said that, yes.

Have you got frogs legs?

He said, yes.

I said, well, hop on to the counter and get me a cheese sandwich.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

I want a job.

What's your trade?

Crime.

I'm a crook.

Fingers figging.

On robbery of speciality.

Two guns, no waiting.

What about qualifications?

Yes. I have here a degree from the Chiswick University.

There isn't a university at Chiswick.

There is if you're a forger.

Very good, very good.

Well, you know, this is a very bad time of year, I'm afraid, for crime.

The best I can offer you is just one burglary. It's a local job, 1045

84 Kings Avenue.

It's quite a small window, but it's an opening, isn't it?

Now, I don't like working nights, you see. I've got a bad chest.

And another thing. What's that?

I live at 84 Kings Avenue.

Well, I mean, if you're going to be choosy, that's just what's wrong with

fellas. You want a job, you come here, we offer you one, and then you turn it

down. Well, that's all there is. You just take it or leave it. Well, there's

nothing else.

Hand over the dough money.

It's nice to be working again.

Tommy Cooper as King Arthur.

The last Excalibur.

Let go. Go on, let go.

Let go, you fool. Let go.

Let go, go on, let go.

Now it's interview time, and in our studio this evening we have that great

general, that intrepid soldier and statesman, the Duke of Wellington.

Wellington's. It's a funny joke of my time.

Of course, sir, your most stunning success was the Battle of Waterloo.

No doubt your memories of that opening charge are very vivid, Your Grace.

Can you remember who was the first to fall?

Yes, me. I took over as first.

But it wasn't long after that, was it, that you caught Napoleon's platoons in a

pincer movement?

Correct.

And he was never the same after that.

I understand you first made your name in India.

Yes, that's true.

And there's something else that will surprise you. Oh, really? What's that?

Boo!

Yes,

indeed.

It was in 1808, wasn't it, that you were sent to Portugal, where you won the

Battle of...

Yes, yes.

As a matter of fact, I was right in there where the battle was thickest. I

And what were you doing? Looking for where it was thinnest.

Is it true that after the Battle of Vignero, you personally ran up the Union

Jack? No, no, no. I was too tired. I walked up.

Is it true that in 1809, you were wounded at the Battle of Talavera?

Yes.

I was very brave in that battle. I see. Because the French threw everything at

us. I see. And I just stuck up my tongue.

And where were you wounded?

In the tongue.

To return to your most formidable opponent, what do you consider to be

Napoleon's greatest asset?

Josephine.

Well, let me rephrase that question.

As a soldier, what do you think made Napoleon the man he was?

Josephine.

Of course, the history books tell us that after the Battle of Waterloo, the

threw no less than three banquets in your honour.

Quite correct. One in my honour, one in my face, and I ducked a third one.

Well, now, to sum up, Your Grace... Pardon?

Your Grace.

For what we're about to receive.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was getting a little bit peckish.

I see.

To sum up, I believe you have brought with you a souvenir of your most famous

victory, in fact, of the Battle of Waterloo. Yes, I did. Something, in

actually used at Waterloo. Yes, I've got it right here.

This is it.

The train in number six platform is the 645 that says Andrew.

Tommy Cooper as Sherlock Holmes.

Hello.

This is Dr. Watson, faithful friend and companion to Sherlock Holmes, master

detective and criminologist extraordinary.

What's that?

You've been arrested for beating up six policemen and throwing a keg of beer

through the pub window.

Don't worry, we'll take the case.

Goodbye, Mother.

Ah, you must be Dr. Watson, faithful friend and companion to Sherlock Holmes.

No, we've done that bit.

I'm afraid Sherlock isn't Holmes at the moment.

He's out buying some new disguises. Would you care to be seated?

No, no, no, I'd rather stand behind that screen.

What?

surprise you, Watson. Good heavens, Holmes, what an amazing disguise.

You fooled me completely.

I know, I know. You know the old newspaper man on the corner? Yes. I

completely, too. What do you mean?

We're engaged.

Anything happen since I've been away? Yes. A man came through that door,

staggered over to the fireplace, and fell like a stone to the carpet.

Who was it? Me. I was drunk.

Watson. Yes, Holmes? Sherlock does the funniest.

A bit of deduction, Watson. There's someone at the door.

Amazing, Holmes.

Mr. Holmes, I need your assistance.

Too late. I've spent it.

What can we do for you, my dear? I need protection.

You've come to the right place. I need someone to talk to. You've come to the

right place. It could be very dangerous.

Try next door.

You seem very upset, my dear.

Why don't you sit down and have a cup of tea? Oh, thank you.

I like a nice cup of tea. In the morning, I like a nice cup of tea with

And a quarter past eleven, well, my idea of heaven is... All right, all right,

all right.

Very good, isn't it?

I hate him.

Shall I be mother? Yes.

It's a bit messy, but I'm on my own.

What can we do for you, my dear?

It's about my father's will. He had a stipulation inserted in his bequest.

Oh, dear, dear.

Poor devil.

And then, only last week, my father was knocked down by a cab.

Handsome? Yes, Blue Eyes?

Quiet.

Go on, my dear.

We found him there, lying in the street.

Unconscious? Yes, Drewby Draws.

If I die before I'm 21, my Uncle Hugo gets all my father's money. This

someone put broken glass in my cornflakes. Broken glass in your

us more.

She can't. It's a cereal.

Who could be doing this? Can you help me? Don't worry, my dear. We'll help

You will?

ever thank you.

What a way to be struck off the register.

A dicky bird.

I beg your pardon?

A dicky bird. Why did you say that?

Because I haven't said a dicky bird for ages.

Don't worry, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll follow you in disguise.

Have you seen our disguises? I know.

What? Yes.

I don't understand.

Well, he was me and I was him.

Brilliant.

I think my Uncle Hugo may have followed me here. He, too, is a master of

disguise.

Holmes, a piece of deduction.

They're coming at the door.

I should have said that, didn't I?

Thank you very much. Would you mind sitting in the audience?

Holmes! There's a killer at the door. Do something.

I am what?

Shake it like a league.

Mr. Holmes, we must do something.

Holmes, somebody must go out there and face that killer. You're quite right.

Don't be long.

Holmes, how can you be such an unspeakable coward?

Practice.

glass. Oh, here it is.

My, that's amazing.

What? Well, it makes everything larger, though, when you do that.

What does it say?

It says... Yeah.

I'll decode it.

So, Mr. Sherlock Holmes, so -called master detective, let us see if you can

solve this one.

P .S. Please return the knife. It's part of a set.

Who did this to you, my dear? Who was it? Tell us. Who was it? Who stabbed

Answer me.

Will you answer me?

How can she? She's dead. That's no excuse for rudeness.

He's quite right. He's quite right.

Why doesn't this cause for a little bit of concentration?

Ah, the very thing, Holmes.

You're Stradivarius.

That's right. He looks like a violin.

What do you expect for 15 nicker, Jack Benny?

Good night, Holmes.

And you too, Johnson.

Very funny.

The killer's trying to break into the room.

Right, we'll have to barricade the door. He's out of the desk.

It's no good, Holmes. It's too heavy. Right, we'll take out the drawers.

I don't know why we're bothering. There's nobody else in the sketch.

See if the bedroom window is properly barred. Right you are, Watson.

Good old Watson, dear friend.

Fightful friend.

Never again.

And now to work.

Well, I got that case wrapped up.

Mr Sherlock Holmes, we meet at last.

You go chatter it at your service and don't try and call for Dr Watson.

Why? I'm playing both parts.

You're getting too many laughs.

You swine. I say that to your face.

You're guilty of murder.

Murder is an ugly word.

It's an ugly face.

Look behind you.

He's doing the laugh now. He's doing the laugh.

Put the face on.

What? Look behind you. Oh, you can't fool me with that, Holmes. That's a very

old trick.

Is it really?

If that's an old trick, what do you think of this one?

Look at this here.

Box. Empty box.

Yes.

I'll place and sell the box like that.

I'll close the box.

That's very good.

Is it? Yes.

Yes? Yes.

Right. Whose turn is it? Yours.

Show me another trick.

Show you another trick? Yes.

Oh, I'll show you another trick. All right.

I'm going to borrow it. Yes.

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

Can I borrow a gun? Ah, there we are. Oh, thank you. Oh, you swine.

You've triumphed again.

You dirty sticking rat.

You sticking rat.

Did I...

I got it all worked out.

Yes, I have.

And I'm never wrong.

You murdered a brother, you killed the lady, the girl for money.

And I'm never wrong.

But I'm not even dead.

I told you I'm never wrong.

You're not even human, sir, but you won't take me alive.

the body's walking out that is the case of the disappearance

So don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, to look in next week.

Get off!

Look again next week now to the spine -chilling story in which I come face -to

-face with the Who's terrifying hound of the basketball.

So here he is now, the Who's terrifying hound of the basketball.