Original subtitles

Mr. 850 in the game.

It's Pummy Cooper.

Thank

you.

Thank you. Stop. Thank you.

Stop. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Stop. Thank you.

Not too much noise.

You wait to produce it.

He's a strange man, that producer. I mean that.

Yesterday, he stabbed me. I lit a cigarette.

It was in my mouth.

It was very, very close.

What?

What do you mean, come off? I said, come on.

I don't know why I did that.

There's no reason.

You like the suit? New suit.

Like the way it goes in.

Goes into the game next week.

I showed my wife. This was made in 24 hours.

Really, 24 hours. For the show.

I went to my wife. I said, how do you like it? She said, lovely.

I went like that. She said, what's the hump on the back?

I said, that's the tailor. He's still working on it.

Do you think I'm too handsome for my height?

It's the sailor.

Went into a barber shop, and he said to the barber, how much is the crew cut?

He said, four and six. He said, come here, fellas.

Oh! Look at that!

Thank you.

Do you feel great tonight? I really do.

Because yesterday I went fox hunting.

Foxhound, I've never been before.

It's marvellous. Over the hills, the valleys, the fences.

Marvellous, for miles and miles and miles.

I've got a game next week.

I've got to take a horse moving next time.

Here's a little trick I picked up. I don't know who dropped it.

Oh, there you go. Like that.

Here's a little trick now.

Glass of milk in there, mother.

Look. Eh?

Look at that.

And now,

I should make it go back here.

That's it.

Thank you.

Testing, testing. One, two, three.

Oh, God.

Doctor here.

Yes?

You say your husband was taking a bath.

I'm very pleased to hear it, yes.

What? And the boiler exploded?

Yes, it does sound very serious. Just a moment. Look, where's your husband now?

16 Brown Hills Road.

And 17 Brown Hills Road.

And 18 Brown Hills.

Yes, fine. Well, I'll be over as soon as I finish this morning's surgery. Fine,

goodbye.

Poor fellow, all over the place.

Hello? Send the next one in, please. Thank you.

How do you do? I don't think we've seen you here before, have we? No, no. All

right, are you?

What can I do for you?

Well, see, you've got to help me, Doctor, because I do feel run down. Oh,

really? Really?

Any idea why?

Yes, because I was run down, look.

Yes.

Tell me, did you get his number?

No, but I recognise that laugh anyway.

Just a moment, sir. Look, I am very busy now. What do you want?

Well, you see, I come for a check -up. Yes.

Because I've gone away for two weeks, and I want to be fit, you see. I see, I

see, yes.

And since this accident, when I got run down, I can't straighten up. Not at all?

No, I'm like that all the time. That's dreadful. Would you care to sit down?

you sit down? Well, I can't. All right, well, you may just remain standing then.

Yes, just a second.

It's not right, is it, walking about like this? No, no.

No, no.

No, I feel... I mean, a lot of people can, you know. Most concerned, yes.

I'll take a few details, if I may.

May I have your name?

No, thanks. I'm already married.

What is your name?

Oh, Thomas G. Cooper. Thomas G. What is the G for?

Gladys.

Gladys.

Yes. Date of birth?

8th, 9th, 10th of March.

The what?

Well, I was a very long baby, you see.

Six foot four. Well, I was, but not now. No, six foot four.

Yes, I understand.

About five foot three now. Yes, thank you. Well, I'll put them both down and

we'll do a sort of a permutation later on.

Right. Right.

Weight?

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

No, no, no. No, I mean... No, never mind. Look, just a second.

We have a professional.

Comedian. Really? I never thought so.

Age? 28.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Very good, yes.

Whom shall we notify in case of your death?

F. Fadshaw Chiswick. Fine. Who is he?

Undertaker.

Would you mind if we change the subject? Would you mind?

No, tell me, do you smoke and drink?

Oh, yes. You do? But not both at the same time.

Otherwise, I get the cigars all soggy, you see.

Yes, of course. This bandage on your hand now, how did you hurt that?

I didn't. I hurt my nose.

Then why didn't you put the bandage on your nose?

Well, I tried, but I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe.

I was like that all the time.

Yes, I'm sure. Well, how did you sustain this nasal injury?

Well, I was picking a daisy. Well, how could you hurt yourself picking a daisy?

Well, the daisy was on the ground, see, and I was on top of a roof.

I'm sure I'm going to regret this.

What were you doing on the roof?

Well, I was drilling holes.

I'm going to regret this as well.

Why were you drilling holes in the roof?

Well, because the roof was leaking. Yes. See, but not in the right places. What

do you mean?

Yes? What do you mean, the right places?

Well, because I couldn't get... The rain couldn't come into the bucket.

Yes.

Well,

I think we'd... You could fix my teeth as well, couldn't you?

Just examine. Now, how long have you been in this position?

Well, I've been ever since the accident. Since the accident, yes. I think you're

very likely to get another one, too. Just a moment. Now, I'll just have a

at you. I think I know what the trouble is. Really? Just undo the coat. Yes. All

the way down. Yes. Yes, it's a very acute case of, well, cravatius

niggerbockeritis.

What's that?

It means you've got your tie caught in your zip.

There we are. Oh, that's better.

The series which helps young people decide what they want to do with their

lives. And this week we say, so you want to be a salesman.

Yes? Good morning, sir. My card.

Thomas G. Cooper, England's top salesman.

Do you want to buy a top?

Oh, good morning.

I'm collecting for the Prisoner's Aid Society.

Oh, just a minute.

If it's the doorbell salesman again, tell him we don't want any.

Excuse me, I've only got a shilling. What have you got for that?

I've got the perfect thing.

A drink on a stick.

Good morning, sir. Do you want to buy a brush?

Good morning, sir. Do you want to buy a brush?

Good morning, sir. Do you want to buy a brush?

Good morning, sir.

I'm sure you're going to be very happy with this washing machine, madam. It's a

lovely model. And don't forget our special after -sales service.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

Before I buy, can I hear the horn?

Certainly, sir.

Once again, please.

Isn't that a rather unusual noise for a car?

Not really.

It's a rover.

interview time and in our studio this evening we're very proud to have with us

the greatest playwright of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, it's William

Shakespeare.

A little bit rough, a little bit rough.

Were you clever as a child? Oh, very clever, yes, very clever.

The whole of the encyclopedia.

Really? Nobody believed me. Why not? I couldn't talk.

And, of course, you became a great playwright. Perhaps that luck had

to do with this. Were you always lucky? No, no. I was very unlucky when I was a

child. Really? Very unlucky.

Once, I was given a rocking horse, and it died.

Have you got a favourite among your plays? Yes, I have two favourites. Oh,

are they?

Romeo and Juliet.

Of course, you were an actor as well as a playwright, weren't you? Oh, yes.

Yes, yes. I was in Othello.

Othello? Yes.

You know, that wonderful speech.

To be or not to be, that is the question.

No, I'm sorry. That's from Hamlet.

Oh, is it?

No wonder I didn't get an answer.

Come fly with me.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

What was the first night you enjoyed most?

The first night?

Well, when I was in the Roman play. Oh, yes.

Titus Andronicus?

Well, I had a few. No, dear.

At the age of 21, I see you were outlawed for poaching. What was it,

pheasants, hare?

That was my best play, hare.

You never wrote hare.

I certainly did.

And also The Sound of Music.

What about Rodgers and Hammerstein?

I wrote that as well.

One thing I would like to know, sir. Why have you got three pairs of glasses?

Ah, well, that's for short sight. Yes.

And that's for long sight.

What's the other pair for?

To find the other two pairs.

and sonnets, and what is your favourite piece?

Anne Hathaway.

Ah, yes, Anne Hathaway. In 1582, you married Anne Hathaway and had three

children, didn't you? Yes, one of each.

Really?

How did you first meet Anne Hathaway?

Well, she was outside a shop, picking her teeth. Oh, I see.

And when she picked them, she went in and bought them.

Before you go, there's one thing I would like to know. If you had your life to

live all over again, would you still be a writer?

Oh, certainly, certainly.

Because the pen is mightier than the sword. I say, do you really believe

Of course. Here's the sword, then. Yes, yes, yes.

That is the pen.

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

I'm a sea dog.

And it's terrible being a sea dog.

No trees.

My name's Silver.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha.

Captain Smollett. Hi -ho, Silver.

How are you this morning, John? Nice to see you. Thank you. Lovely to see you,

sir. I'll give you a little brush down here. Thank you very much.

Oh, shut up. Thank you very much indeed, Paddy. Thank you very much indeed.

I think I can safely say, since we're 40 days out, that we are not, in fact, on

a pleasure cruise to Southend.

No, we're on a quest for buried treasure.

We're setting course for Santa Cruz.

You don't believe in Santa Cruz at your age, do you?

Well, as I was saying, this treasure was buried.

I didn't know it died.

Will you be quiet, Silver? This treasure was buried on Papalaka, Papalaka,

Ronnie on the Island. Do you know it? Of course I know it. When I was there, I

drew a map of the place.

I know it like the back of my...

Here, look.

That's splendid, Peter. Thanks very much.

Now, it's my belief that the treasure is about here.

That's a bit near the knuckle, isn't it?

Now, this is to the strictest confidence that I've just heard that the crew have

been conspiring.

Well, it is very hot.

And I've also heard that the ringleader's a big fellow with one leg

on his right shoulder.

Have you any idea who that might be?

No idea, sir, no idea.

I'll ask him. Have you any idea?

No, I haven't, sir. Now, what's that?

Only the ship's hairdresser.

No, not yet. Get off, get off. Ah, ah, this is my bit. Ah, what's that over

there? The city of Madras.

No, it isn't. No, no, I think it's the Isle of Elba. Oh, what a silly old

I am. I don't know Madras from Elba.

Ah, this is the life.

I've been deterred.

Dr.

Livesey. Yes, yes. I've got to see you. Why, Silver, why?

It's my back, sir. Oh.

Pain's in my back. Have you done anything for it?

No, why should I? He's never done anything for me.

You can't have any more of that. You're quite right.

Now, what's that over there?

Is it the land?

I'll have a look.

Ah, now it's my turn.

I'm going to take over the ship.

Stick him up! Oh, whatever, sorry.

Stick him up!

Not so fast, Silver.

Well, I did it as slow as I could.

I know why you're outnumbered. All hands on deck.

They've dropped the anchor.

I'm not surprised. It's been hanging over the side the whole time.

Lovely, lovely.

There. What do you think you're doing? I'm clapping in an iron.

I like it.

Time's running out.

They've taken... Sunbells have gone. Have they?

Yes.

Just one thing. What's that?

I don't know how a dog shoots. All right, then, I tell you. Here's the map.

This here is the map of Billy Bones' treasure, which was buried by Billy

himself. If you steal this treasure, beware the ghost of Billy Bones, the

of...

What could he do?