Original subtitles

It's Tommy Cooper!

very much, ladies and gentlemen.

You've all no doubt seen that wonderful trick I've shown a lady in half.

You have?

What the hell with it?

I shall never forget the last time I did that. I can see it now. The lights, the

applause, the costumes, the blood.

Just before the show, the producer said to me, he said, how are you tonight?

I said, well, I'm feeling a little bit funny.

He said, well, get out there before it wears off.

I went to the local cinema the last night and I saw the slimy, one -eyed,

-man monster.

He's been a manager of their phrases.

Do you know, last week, because we got a load of this, last week, an insurance

man came up to me, you see, and he said to me, I said, I've got plenty of

insurance. He said, no, he said, just listen first.

See? He said, are you listening? I said, yes, I am.

So, no, I was.

And I looked at him, I looked at him like that, I looked him square in the

yeah, square eyes, and I said to him, he said, look, you pay tuppence a week for

50 years, that's all, and when you get to 90, you get £100.

He said, I know it's not much, but it's a starting line.

You know, we've been rehearsing the shows, which you know, and a couple of

nights ago I was leaving late, see, and I was going home, I had two bags with

me, and I'm just... Grips, grips.

And, well, you know, a policeman can stop you after midnight, can't they?

They're allowed to do that.

Am I right?

There are, aren't they?

So this policeman stopped me, and he said, what have you got in that grip

A bit harsh, he was.

I said, in there, I've got sugar from a tea.

He said, what have you got in that one?

I said, I've got sugar from a coffee.

And he took his little truncheon out, he went, boom!

He said, there's a lump of your purple.

What

happened

then? What happened?

Now, you get this ball here.

Good evening.

You get this ball here like this, you see.

Anything I can do for you?

Possibly, yes. My name is Winterbottom.

That's a bit chilly for you.

But don't mind me, Mr Cooper. Carry on. Oh, thank you.

I'm just doing a trick with a ball, you know.

Just throw it there like that, you see. Push it in the hand there like that.

Boop. Just appears there. Go in your pocket.

And then it is there like that, look.

One, two, three balls there like that. Now watch this very, very closely.

Here we go. I want you to pay a lot of attention to this because later on I

shall ask questions.

I've placed one ball in my pocket, like that.

One ball in the hand and one in the pocket. Everybody's in the hand.

Now look, we'll start again. Three balls there like that.

And two, look. One, two, three. Everybody's in the hand, quick.

Two, no, one. How's that?

Look,

who are you?

I'm a censor.

My card.

Well, there's nothing on it.

Naturally, it's been censored.

Saves me a fortune in printing costs.

Oh, I see.

Ada Spade, or Rana Spade, does anything I say, come down.

Oh, thank you.

I say, what are you doing here?

Well, it's my job to see that nothing offensive creeps into the show.

Well, no -one's watching. Why don't you creep back out again?

Tell me, Mr Cooper, have you read the ITA rule book?

No, but I saw the film with Doris Day and Bazarath.

Bone. Got a bone stuck up my throat.

Very amusing.

The rule I'm referring to is one which says that no offensive material must be

used in television shows.

Those glasses, for instance, those ought to go.

Why? Well, glasses suggest drinking.

Drinking suggests alcohol.

And alcohol suggests alcoholism.

I think we'd better get rid of those.

Family show, Mr Cooper.

Carry on, please.

Thank you.

Right, for my next trick, before I start, I'd like to show you there's

up my sleeve.

See?

There is nothing up my sleeve.

Here's a trick with the packed cards.

Just a moment, Mr Cooper.

Not the cards, please.

Why not?

Well, cards suggest gambling, and that's one of the evils of our society. No,

I'd better get rid of those.

It's a family show, remember?

A bunch of flowers, a pair of scissors, watch very closely now. Stop, stop.

Now, watch better now. What are you doing?

Well, just a bunch of flowers. Just a bunch of flowers?

Just a bunch of flowers?

And you're going to destroy them by cutting their heads off with scissors?

Well, it's only a trick.

I mean, I'll go woof all of that, and they'll appear back on there again. Oh,

murderer.

Here's a gun. Now, watch very closely. Stop!

No guns. No, no. Guns definitely out. That incites violence.

No, I can't take any more.

That's all I can take from you. What? I've had enough. Right. Okay, thank you

very much.

What are you doing?

I've just had enough. What do you mean? Hey! Oh, no!

Oh, stop!

Oh, Duke! Put me down!

What's happened, mister?

Who are those people? Well, that was my wife and kids.

They always come to the studio.

It's a family show, remember?

Other people's jobs.

Welcome to Other People's Jobs, the informative television feature which

young people to decide what they want to do with their lives.

And this week we suggest some exciting sports you can choose from, as we say,

you want to be a sportsman.

I'd like to see the all -in wrestling.

Five shins?

Yes, certainly. Thank you very much.

And now for the winner of the championship,

the man who...

23 rounds, had thrown the most powerful right hook in the history of fighting.

Rocky Figgins!

Oh,

what's this for?

Oh, good luck.

One, two, three, four, five.

Just a minute.

I'll do the counting.

Get a doctor.

I feel great.

Never been so fit in all my life.

All right, Cooper, you're on.

How are you feeling, Tom? Great, really great.

All right, nice and loose. Ready?

Look at my opponent over there.

Just look at him.

His little short legs and flat head.

That's the two.

That woman told me you're doing great. Lost six or seven rounds. He hasn't laid

a glove on you.

No? Well, keep your eye on the referee.

Somebody's hitting me.

take you to a bridge somewhere in London.

Quick, quick, there's a man in the river.

A man in the river? Yes.

Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

Who said that? He did.

Who did? The man in the river. I tell you, there's a man in the river.

You're right, there is a man in the river. Now, somebody ought to jump in

save him.

Do you know, I've just got to say that myself.

Somebody should jump in there and save him. Yeah, well, I would, but I can't

swim. You can't swim? No.

Well, it's easy. Look, just do this, look. Put your hands like that first.

can't. Just try.

Just try. Do that, and then do that. Now turn. I'll never learn. You will. Just

try. Like that. Turn, and like that. That's it. Hold.

Go on. There, there.

That's it. Oh, no. Lovely.

Go on, like that. Now kick your leg like that as well.

Help!

He's coming. He's coming.

a born swimmer. Not so difficult, is it?

Now, keep going. Now, get on the ledge.

I'm coming with you.

There you go.

Now, jump in.

Oh, no, no.

Oh,

I forgot to tell you. When you're doing that, breathe in and out like that.

Almost to get out. Oh, you're out.

He's out.

Oh, good.

It's all right. He's out.

He jumped in to save you, you know.

No, he's in trouble.

Can you swim?

No, of course I can't swim.

Well, no, it's easy. They just do that and that.

Kick your leg like that at the same time.

See, like that.

Oh, you're out now? Yes. Oh, look at the time. I must be going.

Here, hang on a minute.

Can you swim?

I'm a swimming instructor.

Well, why didn't you jump in the river?

It was my day off.

In our studio this evening, we're very proud and privileged to have with us...

England's greatest naval hero, Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson.

I got the patch over the good eye again.

Oh, good evening. Good evening.

First of all, may I ask you a question? What do you regard as the most palpable

consequence of your victory at Trafalgar? Was it A, the total

Bonaparte's rapacious annexations, or B, the resounding validation of British

nautical preeminence?

Yes.

Yes what?

You can ask me a question.

Yes. On the other hand... Yes?

I've got four fingers and a thumb.

Let me ask you about the Battle of Trafalgar.

Oh! That was my famous victory.

You took the words out of my mouth.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were friends with him.

Although at Trafalgar you were outnumbered 33 to 27, you still managed

Now, what do you put that down to?

Expenses.

During the Trafalgar engagement, how did you manage to divert the French and

Spanish warships? Ah, well, I had something up my sleeve.

You could have fooled me.

It's just a joke you see about your sleeve.

There's no arm in it.

Do

you

know what I like about you? No, what? Nothing.

It was during the Trafalgar engagement that you sent off your most famous

message. England expects every man this day to do his duty.

No, I didn't say that. No, what did you say?

I said... Boat 24 coming a half an hour's up.

And, uh, looking back on Trafalgar, looking back on Trafalgar, what would

have done if you'd been in Napoleon's shoes?

Limp.

Now,

earlier in your career, I believe you went to the West Indies, and while

I understand you came down with a very rare tropical disease.

Yes, Joe Blaine's.

1993, you first met Lady Hamilton.

That's right. And do you know what she said to me? No.

Correct.

Please.

Please, please, please.

No, no, no. That's what I said.

Please stop messing about.

That's what her husband said.

Finally, Lord Horatio, I wonder if you have any advice for any young viewers

may be watching and may be considering taking up a naval career.

Certainly.

Boys, I think there's no greater life than the sea. To feel the salt spray

coming over you and the deck heaving under your feet and the waves going up

down, getting higher and higher, and you're going up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Up and down.

Great discoveries of our time.

Tonight we salute the greatest force ever harnessed by man, electricity.

Good morning, madam. I come to read to me, sir. Oh, yes, you know where it is.

Yes, thank you.

Now, once upon a time...

Well, sir, madam, have you

decided which fridge you prefer?

Well, we like the larger one really, but before deciding definitely, I think

we'd like to sleep on it. Of course, naturally.

Excuse me, could you show me how this electric cooker works?

Oh, it's not electric, madam.

It works on North Sea gas.

Look, I'll show you.

Good morning, madam. I'm from the electricity board. I believe you made a

over your last bill. Yes, that's right.

Well, if there's any trouble, they always send me along to settle it.

Oh, God.

Can you take recorder, Tommy? Yes.

Great.

I'll play it for you.

Dear Mum, I'm fine. Love, Tommy.

I'll play it back for you.

Show the brightness down a bit, will you?

What are you doing, love?

Oh, it's all right, love. I'm just wiring up your mum's Christmas present.

Oh, you haven't put the light out.

Well, it's your turn.

No, it isn't. Now, go on, put the light out.

Well, all right, then.

Good morning, madam.

I've come to look at your meter. Oh, there it is.

Oh, thank you.

What's that electricity meter for?

I'm from the gas board.

At last, at last, now for my experiment.

Today I'm going to show them that they were wrong when they laughed at me at

university because I said that man had two natures, one good and one evil, and

that there must be some way of releasing the evil.

They laughed at Gladstone, but he went ahead and invented the bag.

They laughed at Wellington when he invented the boot.

They even laughed at Jock.

This potion will make me bigger.

More powerful.

More evil.

Have

you

ever had one of those days when nothing seemed to go right?

I don't understand.

quiz. A little quiz.

What popular game is this?

Greetings, salutations, and may your poppadoms never perish.

Well, did you get it?

Hide and seek.

I'm a new man now. I don't look.

I look in the mirror.

That's the wrong mirror.

I've got no head.

Oh, it's the wrong way around.

Mirror, mirror in the hand.

Who's the is in the land.

Well, that's a silly question.

Oh, it's hot in here.

That's my fiancée. She mustn't see me like this.

beyond the forbidden bounds where no man has dared to venture. How could I

forget? No, no, no, no.

Today, I have made the greatest discovery since Madame Curie discovered

and since Michael Miles invented tedium.

I'll show you, Alice.

Oh.

Now, in a moment, you shall see.

I didn't write it.

But I came to see the doctor.

Well, I'm his assistant, Mr Hyde.

Are you a qualified doctor?

Of course I'm qualified.

I go to six hospitals a week.

I'm a very sick doctor.

I'll examine you. Oh, please do, doctor.

Because every time I do this, it hurts.

Well, don't do it.

Cough. Cough.

And again.

Got a nasty cough there.

into the covers and you get green stamps.

What sort of medicine will I get?

I've just told you, green stamps.

But what good will they do my spots?

Well, you can cover them all over with green stamps.

But what happens when I'm covered all over in green stamps?

Well, then I hand you in for a frying pan.

Take this out for breakfast.

What is it?

Lunch. Oh.

Right, next.

Come on, get on with it, you great fool.

All right, all right, all right.

Right, it's Jekyll's turn now.

Where's the lotion?

Where's the recipe?

Get on with it.

What have

I done? What have I done?

This vile liquid courses through my every vein.

Oh, that this too -too -solid flesh would melt.

Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

My life is done.

My race is run, so told the ghostly bell.

My end is nigh.

Yet ere I die, I cry.

Oh, flipping hell.

But you're supposed to be my alter ego, my other self. How can we both be here

at the same time?

Well, if I wasn't here, how could we do the song?

After you.

I'm Dr.

Jenkins.

You've been welcomed to the show. And I've reached a brand new low.

Absolutely, Dr. Jeff.

Positively.

Yeah.