Original subtitles

Burn! March!

Aim!

Fire!

It's Tommy Cooper!

Thank you.

Oh, I feel good tonight.

I could crush a grape.

There's a man rings up the pub about four o 'clock in the morning.

And he said to the owner, he said, and the owner said, ring me up four o 'clock

in the morning.

He said, well, what time do you open?

He said, you can't get in here until 12 o 'clock.

He said, I don't want to get in, I want to get out.

Here's a little trick now.

Before we start, really start.

It's a tip for all gardeners.

Ladies, when you do the dishes, do you wish your hands were soft as your face?

Well, do the dishes with your face.

I cut up laughing. I've just my time.

Oh, dear.

Here's a little trick now. Watch very, very closely.

My uncle, he's 64, and he's got to marry a young girl, 19.

And this doctor said to him, that could be fatal.

So my uncle said, well, she dies, she dies.

I just put that in, I wasn't going to do that.

Here's a little trick now, watch me very closely. Look, the red haggard is there

like that.

And you go like that, there.

And you go, oop, place it inside the hair like that. Here we are, there like

that.

Say the magic word to myself, because it's a bad word.

Isn't he like that? Look at that.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And make his way into the tin here.

Aye!

Here's a quick joke.

There's about two bookmakers, see?

And they go to the cinema.

He said, I don't know anything about gambling, really.

I don't know anything about it. I don't gamble. You know what I mean?

Well, I did last week, for the first time.

And I lost 500 pounds.

But that's nothing to do with it, is it? I mean, it's... I want to tell this

joke. You know what I mean?

I don't... No more. I mean, this has nothing to do with it.

I mean, I just don't gamble, you know what I mean?

Never forget that. It's nothing to do with the show, is it? Nothing to do with

the show at all.

So these two bookmakers, you see, went to the cinema, see?

I don't gamble, I told you.

The one I bet was 20 to 1. He came in 20 past 4.

He was so late coming in, he tiptoed back to the stables.

on the stretch, and the jockey started hitting them with a whip. Like that.

And the horse said to him, he said, what are you hitting me for? There's nobody

behind us.

What was I talking about? Oh, yeah.

So these two bookmakers went and saw that film, Ben -Hur.

I've seen it. I like Ben, didn't like her.

So I saw this, and they went, they saw this film, Ben -Hur, you see, and it

to the charity race, you know, the white horse and the black horse.

And one said to the, he said, I tell you what, he said, I bet the white horse

wins. He said, you're on. So they bet £50 down each, right?

And the white horse won.

So this other fellow said, did you have a secret tip about that?

He said, no.

He said, well, how do you know who's going to win?

He said, well, at one last week at the Odeon.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do now, if I may. I'd like to do some acting for

you.

A bit of character acting.

Because I've got acting in my blood, really. Because many years ago, a

actor bit me.

Look at this, look.

Impressions. I'm not going to tell you who I'm impressing.

But you'll know straight away when I've done it.

And after that, I shall tell you.

You wouldn't think it was me, would you?

Here we go, then. Right.

Here we are, then. Right. Here we are. Look.

Ice of clubs.

Ice of diamonds.

Ice of spades. And the ice of ox.

Three different cards there, me old cock sparrow.

I've got three different cards on there.

Three different cards on these ice of diamonds.

Three... different cards on the ice of space and three different cards on the

ice of arts.

Now I shall be here to give you one odd number between one and four.

Five.

Any odd number

between one and four?

Three. One,

two, three.

Here's the ice of spades, three different cards.

And I place in this empty envelope in there.

You all right?

Now, look.

That's what I've done.

What have I done? That's right. Ice of spades, three different cards.

Now, here's the ice of hearts, three different cards.

Ice of hearts.

I turn the Ice of Arts over.

I go, woof, woof, like that.

And there's one, two, three, and the Ice of Arts, gone.

Take it.

Ice of Diamonds, three different cards there like that. I turn the Ice of

Diamonds...

Turn

the Ice of Diamonds over. I go, woof.

It's one, two, three, and the Ice of Diamonds is gone.

Thank you. One more.

Ice of Clums, three different cards.

I put the Ice of Clums there like that.

I turn the Ice of Clums over.

I go, woof, woof.

One more, woof, like that.

And it's the three of diamonds, three hearts, seven hearts, and the Ice of

Diamonds gone.

They make their way back.

What's wrong with Mr. Bronson?

He's got German measles. The symptoms aren't at all similar. What on earth

you say it's German measles?

Well, listen for yourself.

Seems to be the trouble, Mrs Pierce.

Oh, I'm ever so worried about my bald Billy Doctor.

I think he might be a bit backward.

There, bring him in.

This one thing's changing.

Dr. Miles, have you sterilized the instrument?

Yes, Dr. Crawford.

Right, well, let's get started, shall we? Right.

Good news, Mr. Cooper, the doctor says you can go

home. Go home?

When? Right away.

Great.

Thanks, fellas.

My feet were killing me.

Well, Doctor?

Well, Mr Jenkins, I'm afraid I'm going to have to be rather brutal.

Do you mind?

No, Doctor.

I want you to breathe deeply.

So you're the one that's been ringing my wife.

I recommend an operation.

Oh. Could I have a second opinion, Doctor?

Yes. What do you think?

Hello? Yes, a flying doctor here.

OK, I'll be right over.

Your next patient is here, Doctor. When will you be able to see him?

Well, the minute he walks in, I've got marvellous eyesight.

Doctor, I'm in terrible shape.

I can see that.

Well, you've got to help me.

Well, what seems to be the trouble?

I love to cry at weddings how I love to cry at weddings. I walk into a chapel

and get happily hysterical. The ushers and attendants, the family dependent.

I see them and I start to sniff. Have you an extra handkerchief? And all

the service while the bride and groom look nervous.

Tears of joy are streaming down my...

It's tough for a loudmouth mug like me, who all the time bellows like a bull, to

make with the words about a couple to be, when what you think is an empty

is full.

And when a couple says, I do, I die.

For now you...

I see them and I start to

sniff. Have you an extra handkerchief? And all through the service, while the

bride and groom look nervous, I drink champagne and think we'd had a line.

I love to cry.

Well,

I have a bullet with your name on it.

I

tell

you, Bubbles, this is going to be the crime of the year.

Me and the boys break into the vault of the first national bank, and then when

we get... Wait a minute, Dabby. The first nationals got walls five feet

solid steel doors, and burglar alarms all over the place. How you gonna get

They always leave the key under the mat.

How I ask you, Bubbles, what can go wrong?

Just one thing. I heard that Tommy Gunn Cooper's in town.

Cooper? In that case, I'm blowing out of here. You're always blowing out of

here. I know. I'm forever blowing, Bubbles.

Wait a minute, don't answer that. It might be a trap.

How do you know?

We ain't got no phone.

You've got to get out of here. All right, I'm coming in. You're getting too

laughs. It's Cooper.

One move and you'll get it. Why the phone arrow?

I'd only wake the kids next door.

All right.

Who put the finger on me?

Who was it now?

You're listening to me, see? Because I'm the big shot around here. You

understand?

What I say, go, see.

You got that?

Another impression now. Louis Armstrong.

I said don't get in the way there.

Louis Armstrong.

Oh, that's shocking.

Pretty old TV.

How do you show them?

Pretty white.

Tell me, what was it like being in jail?

Dreadful. Well, you only had visitors between two and five.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, I didn't know anybody that young.

Tell me, how did you manage to break out?

Well, I saw my way out with this file.

Why is that file so big?

There's a cake inside it.

You know, Tommy, you've been away a long time, and it's only right that I should

fill you in on a situation. You see, I'm coming up in a while. I'm now public

enemy number two.

Who's number one? Me, Marta.

I'm really living it up. No kidding. Look at this.

Chocolate's made especially for me with my own favorite flavors.

Try one.

Right.

Now, this one.

What is it?

Smoked salmon.

Watch, my friends. I'll tell you what. You have one of my cigars. How's that?

Oh, thank you.

Smoke that.

What kind is it? Corona, Corona.

No, you mean a Corona, Corona.

No, you smoke it. See, it comes for you in the morning.

According to proceedings, it behooves me to invite you to participate in a

forthcoming bank job. The First National Bank.

Four million dollars in gold is being delivered there today.

Well, where does all that gold come from?

Zsa Zsa Gabor melted down all her old wedding rings.

Let's get this straight. You're going to dash into the bank, right? You shoot

the clerk, shoot the guard,

right? Get all the money, put it in the bag, come running out into the waiting

car, and I'm sitting in the car, and I'm taking all the risk.

Now, wait a minuet.

I go into the bank.

Yeah? Shoot the clerk, grab the money, shoot the guard, put the money in a bag,

bring it out to you while all you're doing is sitting in a car and you're

all the risks?

Yes. Well, I can't drive.

There's three reasons. Well, look, when we get into the joint, into the bank,

there's only one thing that you... My...

My people panic.

It's Fred Pirelli. What happened?

It was Winnie Pinero!

He shot at me, but I managed to get here. I crawled through the railway

across the bridge, over the main highway, up the fire escape, and through

window. So Wingy Panero shot you?

No, he missed. It was the trip that killed me.

He's dead.

Poor code, Fred.

Wait a minute.

What's that in his hand?

Thank you.

To whom it may consign.

Tommy Cooper is really in the pay of the FBI?

Stimmer!

In the name of the law. What law?

My brother -in -law. It's his gun.

What are you going to do to me now?

I'm taking you in on a homicide charge.

And don't try to bribe me.

Who mentioned bribery? I did. It was somebody who had to break the ice.

No, no, you listen to me, Tommy.

You can't do this to me, your old pal, Stubby Paradino. You can't send me back

to the pen. I don't want to go back to the pen. You can't send me back to the

pen, because if you do, they'll put me in my old cell, and I can't stand it!

not? The wallpaper clashes with my eyes.

It's no good. I'm sitting away for a long stretch, up and down the river. Up

down the river? It's a two -way stretch.

All right, and another thing. I've got... Life is Jet the Boner, Jerry.

Nice white bubbles.

Not bubbles.

I'm here on behalf of Scotland Yard. I am, in fact, but perhaps this will help.

Oh, that's a wonderful disguise, Inspector Barlow.

One move and I'll shoot.

You ain't gonna shoot me. You know why?

You're yellow.

What do you know? I'm colorblind.

putting on weight, but this is silly.

What are you complaining for? I've lost a lot of weight, Tommy. I'm built like a

Greek god.

You're built like a Greek restaurant. Get off.

I don't want to get off. I'm nice and comfortable here. I like it. Stay where

you are.

I'm not going anywhere.

The big boss is coming.

What, bigger than him? The big boss.

The big boss.

Well, who is the big boss?

interview time, and in our studio this evening we have that remarkable French

artist, Monsieur Toulouse -Lautrec.

Mini Cooper.

Well, good evening, Mr. Lautrec, and welcome to London. Is this your first

to England?

No.

No, I came many years ago. I was a jockey here.

Oh, really? Where was that?

At the White City dog track.

Did you have any other early jobs?

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

I was a pickpocket.

I wasn't very good. Oh, why was that? I couldn't reach the pocket.

Then I got a job in a dairy. Oh, what at?

Condensed milkman.

Were you the only artist in... All right.

Were you the... Were you the only artist in your family?

No, I wasn't.

No, my uncle was an artist, but he got arrested for using a nude model.

But artists have always used nude models. Not pavement artists.

What was the most difficult period of your life? Oh, I've got those happy

Happy feet, happy feet. Pardon?

What was the most difficult period of your life? Well, I was starving in a

garret, and I had to sublet my other bathroom.

You were starving and yet you had another bathroom. Oh, yes. Well, that's

they called me. To lose the track.

Thank you.

Of course, you must have... Yes?

You... You must have met Van Gogh, the man who painted all those wonderful

paintings with one ear.

Oh, yes. I told him that he should use a paintbrush.

He was a genius. Oh, how... Absolutely a genius.

I mean, I was there when he cut off his hair, you know. Really? Oh, yes.

Cut it right off.

And I said to him, I said, you're a genius.

And he said, eh?

Being so short must be a terrible disadvantage.

Look at that, look.

Look! You can't do that!

Well, I was always small.

You really were. Oh, yes. I could only have one meter at a time.

Can I ask you something?

Yes, go on. Where are all the small girls?

I believe we brought some paintings with you.

Oh, yes, I have. They're not all mine. They're my mate's.

Here's one from money.

Ah, are you sure that's a money? It's just a lot of old cables and horses and

things like that.

Well, that was his speciality. You know the old saying, money for old rope.

Here's another one.

This is Napoleon's retreat from Waterloo.

But that's just a blank canvas.

He had a very fast horse.

Give me the sunshine.

Now, I know what this one is. This is a horse painted by Sir Alfred Munnings.

That's a very valuable painting.

Very valuable.

Here's another one. Oh, what's that?

That's Sir Alfred Munnings painted by a horse.

Ah, now that looks interesting.

What do you call that one?

This one, look.

Yes, what do you call that? A reclining figure.

And his one now is quite a nice one.

What do you call that? That's a shelf portrait.

And this one I'm very proud of. This one here.

This is Fifi in a bath.

Fifi in the bath? But that's just a locked door.

Well, that's the nearest I could get.

Oh, dear. I've got to get up. My mom needs to kill me.

Huh?