Original subtitles

The Sheik of Araby, 4 .30.

It's Tommy Cooper!

Ha ha ha!

I'm awfully sorry about the delay, ladies and gentlemen.

Unfortunately, all the lights have gone out backstage and we've all had to get

dressed in the dark.

But we'll be all ready in just a moment.

Yes, right. Ladies and gentlemen, we're ready to start now. So here he is. It's

Tommy Cooper!

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, we had a little bit of a bother up there.

I'm used to dressing in the dark.

I'm used to it. What?

The bow tie. I thought I wasn't that tall.

Is it raining? What is it?

Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Sykes.

Somebody's... The lights are gone. Somebody's pitched my jacket.

I just said that. Somebody's taken mine.

Two jackets?

Yes. That's not right. That's not right, is it, Mr. Rees? No. Two jackets in one

night? That's not good, is it? It's not right.

I mean, I don't mind a pair of braces or a sock.

I mean, that's dressers' perks.

Yes. I saw that.

Yes. But I don't... Excuse me, Mr.

Sykes. Just a suggestion.

Yes, Mr. Rees. It might not work, but just a suggestion. Why don't you change

jackets?

But, you know, we're these waiting in salt.

Go on.

We're not the same size, aren't we? Not with me, with him.

Oh, with him? Right.

All right. I don't mind.

I'll change jacket and I'll tell you what I'll do. Yes. I'll get on the

Get on the blower. I'll get on the police to West End Central. Yes. Well,

not the Waverleys?

No, you'll get a better class of policemen up at West End.

You know? Really? I'll get on the blower now, shall I? Right you are. Get on the

blower. Can you manage? I can manage, yes. Right. I can manage.

Right?

Oh, that's better, isn't it?

Here's a little trick now with Charlie's Lincoln ring.

My father used to do this trick.

Big man, my father. Didn't have hair on his chest.

Twigs.

Thank you Thank you very much Why don't you sit in the audience

Now to get them apart, I saw you do a little shake like this, and they drop

apart, they probably aren't very hard.

when he threw a camera shot the other day, and I said to this man, he was

down behind the counter, right down he was, I said, have you got any for

hiccups?

See?

He's right there. I said, have you got any for hiccups?

And he got up, kind of like that, and he ran across the face with a towel.

I said, what did he do that for?

He said, you haven't got hiccups now, have you?

I said, I never had them. It's when my wife opened the car.

You should have come to make -up before the show. Well, I've been to make -up.

Oh, have you? Yeah. It doesn't look good, does it?

I don't know. I bet I already had it done, you see.

Cooper. And now we take a look at a man whose versatility is unsurpassed, a man

who has done literally everything, and share just a few of the many lives of

Tommy Cooper.

I've told you, never ring me at work.

I say, how much longer are you going to be?

Come in now, sir.

Here we are, sir.

Well, what's this?

Well, you tell me you wanted a brown jersey.

Tonight we deal with liquor, as seen through the eyes of a variety of people.

Well, now, barman, I'd like something long and cool.

Right, sir.

Whiskey, sir?

I'm getting soaked.

Chateau Robespierre, 1937, sir. I think you'll find it's an impertinent little

wine.

Very important.

Barman, could you put a head on this, please?

Certainly, sir.

Miss, can you change this?

This beer's flat.

Look at that look.

That's my beer.

What are you talking about? That's my beer. Put it down.

I've just bought it. Put that beer down.

It must be. That's my beer.

Coins from there.

Oops, sorry.

Too many bottles.

Here's the glass, here's the bottle.

I just covered it like that there.

Covered it here like that. Covered the glass there.

Oops.

Too many bottles.

Here's the bottle, here's the glass.

The bottle will now change place with the glass.

I've now changed places.

The most difficult part is make them go back again.

Here's the bottle, here's the glass.

Oh, too many bottles.

Here's the glass, here's the bottle, here's the glass.

Boom!

Solid plank of wood.

Did you hear that joke about the karate expert that joined the army?

The first day he saluted, he killed himself.

Thank you.

Now, the idea of the trick is this. Three swords.

One, two, three.

As I hit the tide, may I sit in a moment?

Pick her up and place her on the three swords.

Like that.

As I take two swords away, I shall be suspended in mid -air on one sword.

As I now hit the tide.

A lot of doctors say that hypnotism is from the mind. Well, it's not. It's from

the hips.

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.

Your eyes are getting heavier.

And your back aches.

Your eyelids are getting heavier and heavier.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

Fullback.

On the floor.

On the floor.

Other thanks.

Right.

Wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I'm glad we found our jackets.

Yes.

When he wouldn't To

hold

a whole job

this evening, we're very proud to have with us a famous biblical character.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Noah!

Good evening, sir. Ah, good evening.

Now... Yes.

Now, sir, about your famous ark. You built it yourself, I understand. Oh,

did, yes. Out of wood.

Gopher wood? No, I just sent the wife over.

And what was her name?

Joan. Joan? Yes. Well, you've heard of Joan of Arc?

But she was made of Orleans.

Yeah, I don't know what she was made of. I don't know what she was made of.

Well, she was very big, I tell you that.

Enormous. That's why every time she went on the ark, the ark went... Just like

that.

That's why they called it the ark. I see.

But to get back to the subject, I suppose the next thing you did was to

her. Oh, yes. Yes, I cracked a bottle over her.

And she floated down the river.

And the ark stayed where it was.

I'm sure you were really very fond of your wife. Oh, yes, she was an angel.

she? Oh, yes, an archangel.

Very useful around here. Oh, very useful. Yes, she's a man of all the

Well, what sort of lights did you have on the ark?

Ark lights.

Tell me, sir, why did you build the ark?

I think they're still alive.

Why did you build the ark? I thought I'd have something saving for a rainy day.

I see. And where did you get all the wood for it?

Well, I...

A very large tree. I cut down this very large tree. Oh, I see. And my parents

never forgave me. Why?

Well, they were living in it.

Did you fell all the rest of the trees as well? No, no. My son, he felled 500.

Felled 500 trees?

He's a lovely fellow.

Yes.

So which part of the ark did you build first?

The front.

Front? Bow.

Yes, I built the front, then the middle, then the front. No, no, no, then the

back. After all, you couldn't have had two front ends for the ark. Oh, yes, we

did. Yeah, well, I forgot to unfold the plans, you see.

What were the first animals you found to take with you on your voyage? Two

squirrels over a tree.

Squirrels? What were they doing? Nothing.

Because you must have known some fascinating people in your time. For

Goliath. Oh, yes.

He was a horrible lofty.

And then there was Jonah.

Yeah, call him Fish Face.

And then there was that really frightening man who slew a thousand men

single hand. It's Samson. What did you call him?

Sir.

Now, sir, about taking wives along on the voyage, did you draw lots? Yes, and

had mine.

What sort of a man was Lot?

Very strange man. Was he? Oh, very strange. Yes, he used to feed the

Was there nothing strange about feeding the monkeys?

To the lions.

Very old joke.

Well, I'm a very old man.

Tell me, is it true that when you went on board the Ark, all you had on you

the clothes on your back?

That's right. And I was very cold in the front, I tell you that.

And what was the most unforgettable moment on the voyage?

Well, when I looked behind, I saw something following us. My goodness,

it? The pier.

I've forgotten to cast off.

And on what did you feed your animals?

Corn, wheat and goochum.

Gookin? What's gookin? Nothing. What's gookin with you?

Of course, being on the water so long must have made some of your animals very

disturbed. Oh, yes, and very nervous.

Really? I mean, the cat swallowed a ball of wool. Well, what happened? She had

mittens.

And what did the animals do? What did they do to keep from getting bored?

Well, the duck and the drake used to dance together.

A duck and a drake dancing together? Yes, you know, slow, slow, quack, quack,

slow.

Of course, with all those animals on board, it must have been very noisy at

times. Oh, yes, yes, very noisy. The lions used the roar, the dogs barked.

did the mice squeak? Only when they were squoken to.

Tell me, sir, tell me, where did the animals sleep?

Pardon? Where did the animals sleep? Well, they all slept on the upper deck.

see. Except Griller. Oh, yes. George the Griller. George, he was eight feet tall

and had an arm span of six feet. Where did he sleep?

Anywhere he wanted.

Who are your favourites, sir? The dogs.

I see. Yes, there's one thing I will say for dogs. And what's that?

And how did you, sir? This is an interesting question.

How did you personally while away the time when you were on the ark?

Well, I used to teach a rover, you know, how to sit up and beg. Oh, that is

interesting. And how long did that take? About 40 days, 40 nights.

Very clever rover, very clever.

40 days and nights? Well, that's not very clever.

Just to sit up and beg.

What, for a goldfish?

I believe you've brought along some animals with you this evening. May we

them? Oh, that's the monkeys.

Oh, yes. Oh, well, it's feeding time. Would you help me to feed them? Yes, I

will.

Here you are. There's one bag for you.

Here they are, look. All jumping about.

Up there, look.

Hey!

Thank you.